Episode 36: The One in Gilroy | November 2, 2008; 12:34 PM

Welcome! The scripts are going to start from November 2, 2008, rather than from the beginning of the show. You can find the episodes that have already been produced on our YouTube channel here and here. Please note that this series is not meant to make a lot of sense, nor is it suitable for people under age 18. With that in mind, please enjoy reading!

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1.    TITLE

The One in Gilroy

2.    SETTING

Gilroy, CA

Sunday, November 2, 2008

12:34 PM

3.    ORION

Pet, 

4.    EPIPHANY zaps Orion

5.    ORION

—my sister had in her possession the clan book, Exodiac Memorium. 

6.    EPIPHANY

[Suddenly, pretentious book titles!]

7.    MARIE

Is a clan book like a splat book?

8.    SERLEINA

... I'm going to assume yes. That's stupid, and the Enzeru Clan should feel stupid.

9.    EVRYN

Wait, I thought it was the Exodica Memoriam?

10. SERLEINA

Yeah, the name changes depending on what the writers want it to say.

11. MARIE

The original was never consistent, so we're being true to that... in the way that an abridged series is true to the source material.

12. DREPANON

That explains A LOT.

13. EVRYN

Hey Meta, what's up?

14. DREPANON

HOW DARE?!

15. EVRYN

I DARE, DREPANON!

16. MARIE

He asked how, not who!

17. DREPANON

You'd know that if you read the—

18. REIYA

Does it make a difference?

19. ORION

Yeah, does it MATTER?

20. MARIE

Onion, shut up. Reiya, no it doesn't.

21. VAAN

VREIYA! VELLO, VREIYA! MY VAVORITE CHARACTER!

22. EVRYN

VAAN/REIYA OTP!

23. REIYA

NOTP!

24. SIGYN

DAN/HALEY OTP! OTP! OTP!

25.

enter AKUMA

26. AKUMA

Diiiiid somebody call for toilet paper?

27. DREPANON

No, Akuma, go back to your dungeon.

28. AKUMA

Awwww.

29.

exit AKUMA

30. ORION

Realizing it might have something to help her, I opened it and began translating it.

31. EPIPHANY

[Onion, what happened to you not being able to read?]

32. ORION

Like my best friend's dad, it comes and goes.

33. REIYA

TMI!

34. SIGYN

Not when you see how hot his best friend's dad is.

35. SERLEINA

FOR *ONE EPISODE*, CAN YOU JUST NOT?

36. DREPANON

I second that.

37. REIYA

I third that.

38. EVRYN

No-one cares, Vreiya.

39. VAAN

VOW DARE YOU! I CARE.

40. EVRYN

... Apparently sparklepyres care. I stand corrected.

41. MARIE

It might be possible on my birthday. We're not sure, though.

42. SIGYN

*whinily* Maaarrrrrffffff.

43. SERLEINA

no u.

44. ORION

I came across something—

45. MARIE

Oh no, TMI.

46. DREPANON

What did she say now?

47. REIYA

ONION said something.

48. DREPANON

Oh, sorry. Force of habit.

49. EPIPHANY

[Perhaps it is you who should be reading the subtitles.]

50. ORION

—that should probably have been better left hidden.

51. EPIPHANY

[And now you're going to tell us!]

52. EVRYN

You're going to glue the pages together at that rate, you know?

53. ORION

It seems I have found proof that your beloved Maheone actually brought several black tiger cubs to this realm as a gift and made it so that our parents were able to conceive not only her, but another child as well.

54. EVRYN

Didn't you say Aksuema was your sister?

55. ORION

Our younger brother.

56. MARIE

So that makes a total of three.

57. REIYA

Akuma's your younger brother?

58. ILLYBRIUS

Um, no? What?

59. ORION

I have the whole thing translated—

60. EPIPHANY

[I thought you just started, Mr. Schroedinger's Literate.]

61. ORION

It's actually pronounced "Sri-vaka", and I just finish really fast.

62. MARIE

T. M. I.

63. ORION

—however, I am not sure I should allow you to read it.

64. EVRYN

Despite how Illybrius acts, he's a big boy. He can make those decisions for himself.

65. EPIPHANY

[Agency? What's agency?]

66. EVRYN

Something on which the Corri Sues like to poop.

67. ORION

It might be best for all parties involved. 

68. EVRYN

Wait, that's what you said when you lied about your name in the pilot!

69. EPIPHANY

[Speaking of the pilot, I think it'd be best for all parties involved if the Demon Mafia confiscated Onion's kneecaps.]

70. EVRYN

I'll put a good word in.

71. ORION

By the way, I brought her out of stasis at the end of the day. 

72. EPIPHANY

[Her? I'd have thought the demon mafia would be a "they".]

[Why did you have the demon mafia in stasis?]

73. EVRYN

Perhaps he's simply referring to the mafia donna? In which case, he probably put her in stasis so she wouldn't remove his kneecaps.

74. SERLEINA

WAIT, BUT ISN'T THAT—

75. EVRYN

You know, it occurs to me that he's probably talking about Akuma.

76. ORION

She hasn't moved since I did. 

77. EPIPHANY

[Then are you sure you didn't just fuck up the counterspell?]

78. MARIE

Onion, that is manifestly untrue! We saw her earlier this very episode!

79. DREPANON

Lunch break.

80. MARIE

Oh, okay.

81. ORION

All she does is sit on the bed and stare down at the floor. 

82. SIGYN

Oh my gods, she's Bella Swan.

83. EVRYN

You would know!

84. ORION

I have had one of my other pets—

85. EPIPHANY zaps Orion

86. MARIE

Since when do you have those, Onion?

87. ORION

—offer her food, yet she doesn't eat.

88. EPIPHANY

[You're not helping your case here.]

89. ORION

I ...must admit, I am beginning to fear for her health. 

90. EPIPHANY

[Okay, yeah, that's definitely Akuma he's talking about.]

91. EVRYN

Told you.

92. ORION

I cannot get close to her to see if she is with child or not. 

93. REIYA

That sounds like a personal problem.

94. EPIPHANY

[Suddenly, non-consensual pregnancy testing!]

[Have you considered just asking]

[Oh, right, you can't, because she's not talking, because you fucked up the anti-stasis counterspell.]

[GOOD JOB, ONION.]

[A+ ruining everything through your deliberate incompetence.]

95. EVRYN

Also, nobody ever "just asks" anyone anything on this show. Well, Team Falcon's characters do, but then Team Corri's characters just derail them.

96. ORION

Every time I do, a defensive barrier comes up and her mind seems to be totally blank.

97. EPIPHANY

[> Implying Akuma's mind isn't always totally blank.]

98. ORION

It seems that this time, I have finally found a way to defeat her, and yet now, I wish it wasn't so. 

99. SIGYN

Is it too early to—

100.        OVD

WE ARE NOT MAKING THAT JOKE.

101.        SIGYN, cheerfully

I'll wear you down, it's only a matter of time.

102.        TOKIOMI

You'll get used to that.

103.        DREPANON

Joyful.

104.        EVRYN

Oh, bullshit. You've been waffling about whether or not you want to defeat Akuma from the start.

105.        EPIPHANY

[Also, why haven't you killed her yet?]

[Oh, right, there's supposed to be some bullshit prophecy about something, something, blah blah blah, Akuma being in constant danger of miscarriage, but THIS TIME something bad will happen that's unspecified.]

106.        AHRRY

AND AN ARSENAL OF GUMMY BEARS!

107.        EPIPHANY

[Honestly, at the apparent frequency of Enzeru miscarriage, why don't they just lay a bunch of eggs? That seems a lot more likely to result in successful reproduction.]

108.        SERLEINA, with a baseball bat

WANNA BET?

109.        MARIE

At least she's not holding the frying pan. I was honestly expecting the frying pan.

110.        SERLEINA

No way, you think I want to be demon wolf fruit salad?

111.        MARIE

... Fair point.

112.        EVRYN

NO! I LIKE THEM *NOT* BEING ABLE TO SUCCESSFULLY REPRODUCE, THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

113.        SERLEINA

~Hey it's okay, it's okay, you're welcome~

114.        OVD

Serleina!

115.        EPIPHANY

[Oh. Good point. I hate the drama, though.]

116.        MELFINA ENZERU

Be glad we aren't the Enjel clan.

117.        EVRYN

The fuck is the difference?

118.        MELFINA ENZERU

... The Enjels are 9001x worse than the Enzeru clan. And the Enzeru clan is the one that's dying out.

119.        OVD

I smell potential, and MONEY!

120.        EVRYN

See what you did, Ezra? You gave him ideas.

121.        MELFINA

I'm not Ezra anymore, actually. I got re-hired as Melfina.

122.        EVRYN

From Outlaw Star?

123.        MELFINA

No, of the Enzeru Clan.

124.        EVRYN

I thought Akuma was the last remaining Enzeru? 

125.        MELFINA

You're a bit too thinky for my liking, dearie.

126.        ORION

My only hope is that we can fix this damage that we unknowingly caused. 

127.        MARIE

You're claiming ignorance?

128.        EVRYN

To be fair, it's Onion.

129.        ROSEMARY

There is a considerable amount of evidence that proves you are not human.

130.        EVRYN

No, duh. I've only said he's a Priapic demon, like, a billion times.

131.        ROSEMARY

He is a mean robot. I would like to kick him in the can.

132.        ORION

Till then, Pet. 

133.        EPIPHANY zaps Orion

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