1. TITLE
We Lived in Italy, part 2
2. 11/04/2008 | 8.00 PM
3.
AKUMA
Any idea why he would come here with
the tigers? And if so, why give them to my clan?
4.
ILLYBRIUS
a)
I
do not know.
b)
I
know that he had been away from Celestia for a year or so.
5.
ROSEMARY
Don’t believe everything you read.
6.
EVRYN
That's actually good advice on this
show.
7.
ILLYBRIUS
a)
He
left when he was 16 and came back when he was 17.
b)
Of
course, time passes differently in other realms.
c)
That
could quite possibly be what he had been doing.
d)
He
was our lord of animals, and he loved unique creatures, hence why crossbreeds
were under his special protection.
8.
AKUMA
Yes, but if it really was him, why
stay with my people for ten years? Why bring the tigers to my clan?
9.
EVRYN
I think you asked that already.
10.
EPIPHANY
[Yes,
but he hasn't given the answer she wants yet.]
11.
SIGYN
Dude, he's not a Magic 8-Ball.
12.
AKUMA
shakes Illybrius
13.
AKUMA
ARE YOU SURE?
14.
SIGYN
Quite certain, Cave Cow!
15.
REIYA
I thought YOU were the Cave Cow?
16.
DREPANON,
offstage
Both of those crazy bitches are cave
cows!
17.
AKUMA
ARF! I mean MOO! I mean-- wait, no!
HEE-HAW!
18.
AHRRY
Step off my lines, cow!
19.
REIYA
Aren't you supposed to feel sorry for
the cave cows, though?
20.
AHRRY
Not if one of them is Akuma and the
other one keeps talking during the movie!
21.
AKUMA
Whaaat? Of COURSE you're supposed to
feel sorry for me! PITY MEEEE! WAAAHHHH!!!
22.
REIYA
Get back to me when you've turned
yellow from only eating mushrooms underground and never seeing the sun.
23.
AKUMA
God, Lee, I have so many questions
and no one to answer them. I feel like I’m being dragged along in a current and can’t get out.
24.
EPIPHANY
[Did
she just acknowledge Corri's railroading?]
25.
EVRYN
I think she's just angsting.
26.
EPIPHANY
[Oh.
I have a hard time telling, sometimes.]
27.
ILLYBRIUS
Ten years. So time does pass
differently in your realm. Much more slowly, it seems.
28.
AKUMA
Well, actually my book says ten, but it’s going by the Enzeru calendar. So it
was closer to about a hundred human years. We Enzerus age differently.
29.
EPIPHANY
Pfffft!
30.
REIYA
Wait, wait, are you saying Enzerus
are so Diffint that they age differently from the rest of Remirum?!
31.
EPIPHANY
[Ageing
differently is one thing, but it sounds more like they're out of temporal synch
with their planet.]
32.
AKUMA
Remirum isn't a PLANET, it's a REALM!
WUHHH.
33.
EPIPHANY
[DOES
IT ORBIT A STAR]
34.
AKUMA
IT ORBITS THE ENZERU CLAN! OF WHICH I
AM THE LAST REMAINING MEMBER! SO IT OBVIOUSLY ORBITS MEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! I AM THE
STAR!
35.
DREPANON,
offstage
OVD, what's that over there?
36.
OVD
Where?!
37. THE FICUS
moves a bit to the right.
38.
a)
SIGYN
Arigato, Otou-sama!
38b. SIGYN *shoots!*
39.
AKUMA
OWWWWIIIIIIIEEEEEEEE!!! THAT
HUUUURRRRT!
40.
SIGYN
Damn it, who keeps replacing my mistletoe
arrows with holly?!
41.
AKUMA
I'M MELLLLTIIIINNNGGG,
MELLLLTIIIINGGG, OHHHHH, WHAT A WORRRRLLLLLDDDD!
42. There is
now an unsightly Akuma puddle on the ground.
43.
OVD
Damn it, Audience 1!
44.
SIGYN
Hey, it's not my fault the Sue-killing
arrows kill her. She should reconsider being such a Sue.
45.
EPIPHANY
[More
importantly, OVD, why didn't you warn me about the subject matter for this
episode?]
46.
OVD
It didn't occur to me that Akuma would try to pass off the
Enzerus as quite that Diffint.
47.
EPIPHANY
[I'm
invoking the "Pain and Suffering" clause of my contract.]
[Pay
up.]
48. MONEY
shoots out of the Ficus and is quickly collected by Epi's chair.
49.
OVD
Now I have to rez Akuma. This sucks.
50. AKUMA is
rez'd.
51.
OVD
I'm losing so much money today.
d
52.
ILLYBRIUS
I did hear him, one day before he
left, talking about an “unusual feline” he’d created using
genetically-engineered cats and scratch eggs.
53.
ROSEMARY
Fine, if that’s how you want this to be.
54.
EPIPHANY
[I
know. I wish he hadn't played along, too.]
55.
EVRYN
Sadly, Illybrius isn’t the type to just play along with
anything. I say it’s sad because it means Maheone must have actually talked to him about
these things. Or someone
who looked and acted just similar enough—
56.
OVD
Evryn! What have I told you about spoilers?
57.
EVRYN
You’re against them?
58.
ILLYBRIUS
He had been musing about traveling,
sharing them with other worlds.
59. CUE MUSIC: A Whole New World
60.
ROSEMARY
Did you enjoy it?
61.
SIGYN
No, I rarely enjoy Oregano’s singing.
62.
DREPANON,
offstage
Not that yours is much better. I
would know. I had to listen to it for TWO DAYS.
63.
ILLYBRIUS
a)
I
remember particularly because he was helping me design a sword, and on the hilt
was a winged tiger, such as you’ve described as your own form.
b)
Ruby,
onyx, and platinum.
c)
It
was an interesting piece of work.
d)
I
gave it to Maheone, and I assume he had it before he left.
64.
AKUMA
I achieved that form only after I
bonded with the eldest tiger.
65.
EPIPHANY
[.
. . She had sex with a tiger?]
66.
EVRYN
Yes, and they orgasmed simultaneously.
67.
EPIPHANY
[Ewwwww.]
68.
ILLYBRIUS
I see. No, literally. I saw it. There
was fanart in the Exodicus Membiliam or whatever it's called. Torin may have
many faults, but he is quite an artist! Still, Maheone's intentions were as
mysterious to me as they are to you. You might search the Temple for weapon
designs. I asked him for help above all others because we were such good
friends.
69.
AKUMA
Lee… What would he gain from bonding me
to the eldest tiger to give me that form?
70.
EPIPHANY
[He
ASKED her to have sex with a tiger?]
71.
EVRYN
Yeah, sure, "asked". Let's
go with that.
72.
EPIPHANY
[So,
not just Rape As Backstory, but Tiger Rape As Backstory.]
[I'd
almost give Corri points for creativity if I didn't have the creeping feeling
this is all based on her sexual fantasies.]
73.
EVRYN
Creativity? Ha! Who HASN'T boffed a
tiger or two in their day?
74.
EPIPHANY
[.
. . I haven't?]
75.
OVD
It depends on the context, for me.
76.
EPIPHANY
[Oh!
You guys mean non-literal tigers, right?]
77.
OVD
Of course!
78.
EVRYN
Of course not!
79.
SIGYN
I used to have a stuffed tiger and when I
was twelve—
80.
DREPANON,
off-stage
Please stop talking.
81.
SIGYN
...
82.
TOKIOMI
Yes, Drepanon. It really is THAT simple.
83.
AKUMA
It was after that happened that he
left. I was four so I don’t remember much about it but still… it makes no sense.
84.
EPIPHANY
[She
was FOUR, and her dad drew pornographic FAN-ART of it?!]
85.
DREPANON,
off-stage
Mercifully, you have not yet seen
what Corri claimed I did to Meta when he was younger.
86.
LENA
I don’t even want to know.
87.
EPIPHANY
[So
what you're saying is that that fancy book of theirs is illegal to possess in
the United States?]
88.
DREPANON,
off-stage
Wait for it...
89.
EPIPHANY
[What
the FUCK, Corri? A four-year-old, and a TIGER.]
90.
ILLYBRIUS
He would create an unusual creature.
My pride was in the weapons I created. His was in the creatures he created. It
does not make sense to me, either, as he is not known to favor tigers. He likes
wolverines, wolves, and frogs.
91.
AKUMA
What if I was just another creation
for him?
92.
EVRYN
THAT'S your takeaway?! No trauma over
being forced to mate with a tiger when you were four years old?! Really?
REALLY?!
93.
AKUMA
What if I was just another experiment
that he created for somebody?
94.
EPIPHANY
[Go
to therapy to get over your existential angst?]
95.
EVRYN
Better yet, just bloody well get over
it on your own. At least you have a purpose in life.
96.
ILLYBRIUS
Did you speak with him at all? Miss
Akuma, I’m certain he has
a reason behind what he did. He has a reason for everything. However, with him
incarnated on Earth in the form of the Néve boy, I cannot get any answers.
97.
AKUMA
I just had a thought but… nie. Never mind. It… makes no sense.
98.
EPIPHANY
[You're
right. It makes NO SENSE.]
[I'm
also very concerned regarding my earlier statement about Corri's sexual
fantasies.]
99.
DREPANON,
offstage
They get SO much worse.
100. ILLYBRIUS
Please, do tell, MISS AKUMA, not
anyone else who may or may not be in this scene right now. I am as confused as
you are. Perhaps we might sort this out together.
101. AKUMA
You said the sword was made first?
102. ILLYBRIUS
It was DESIGNED first. I did not
get around to making it until he had been gone for six moons.
103. AKUMA
Still, he knew the design. Maybe he—now
please don’t quote me on
this; I need to do more reading first—maybe he wanted to give you something a
little more real to help with it. Goddesses, I am not liking where my
mind is going with this.
104. EPIPHANY
[Me
neither, and I have a bad feeling this is going to come up later.]
105. ILLYBRIUS
It’s a possibility, but I can design well enough from
paper.
106. EPIPHANY
[But
that would be the simple solution. You know Corri hates those.]
107. EVRYN
Akuma, you realise that you're
whining about something most women would kill to do, right? To be born a model
or muse?
108. ILLYBRIUS
a) Miss Akuma, I am sorry, but if you
two were to meet on the street, he would not know you because of the form HE
now inhabits.
b) I do not think he will return to
Celestia after his body dies.
109. ROSEMARY
Nuclear war?
110. EPIPHANY looks at Evryn
[Spoilers,
re: Nuclear war?]
111. OVD
Don't confirm or deny that.
112. EVRYN
I take the... er... 42. That's the
answer to everything, right?
113. ILLYBRIUS
He may choose to move on.
114. ROSEMARY
Who is that?
115. ILLYBRIUS
I do not know.
116. ROSEMARY points to Akuma
There’s a mean robot there.
117. EPIPHANY
[Aksuema's
not cool enough to be a robot.]
118.
ILLYBRIUS
I—I—I miss
him so much sometimes, and I despise not being able to ask him anything!
119. ROSEMARY
Sorry. I wish I could help.
120. SIGYN
Have you tried Whitepaging him and
sending him a politely-worded letter, like I do with people on Facebook when
they're mean to me?
121. DREPANON, offstage, quietly
Holy shit.
122. SIGYN
What? It's public record!
123. ILLYBRIUS
Cinnamon is finally on speaking terms
with him, but that will not help!
124. ROSEMARY
Can you give me a recipe for cinnamon
buns?
125. EPIPHANY
[I
could ask my Nene for hers. They smell really good.]
126. MARIE
Stop taunting me. I used to love
those things, before I developed an allergy.
127.
OTHERS howl with laughter.
128. MARIE
Hush your shuts!
129. REIYA
Would you prefer we go back to
talking about the bestiality paedophilia thing?
130. MARIE
Okay you know what never mind, keep
talking about this. Keep dragging me about my food allergies. Please.
131. REIYA
Oh. Now I don't want to do that
anymore.
132. EVRYN
Yeah, me neither.
133. SIGYN
Right, it's just so much less fun when
you have permission.
134.
EVERYONE ELSE
...
135. SIGYN
I meant taunting!
136. TOKIOMI
No, she didn't.
137.
TOKIOMI shudders slightly.
138. ILLYBRIUS
“Hello, do you happen to remember
making a winged tiger in your past life?”
139. ROSEMARY
Yes, we have been communicating for
the last 10 minutes.
140. AKUMA
Lee, I think I was meant to be a
gift, but he wasn’t able to come back in time for me.
141. ILLYBRIUS
He… disappeared again shortly after his 18th birthday. He
may have gone back, but been unable to find you.
142. AKUMA
Because of the attack. But I just
want to know who I was meant for, then.
143. ILLYBRIUS
Hold on a moment, please. The conduit
may be able to tell you.
144.
enter CIN and MINESWEEPER
145. CIN
Akuma, you’re SURE that’s him? His fur’s the same color?
146. AKUMA
YES!
147. EPIPHANY
[Did
you cross-check a swatch of it to make sure it's the right tint of brown?]
148. EVRYN
She's going from a photo of Maheone's
hair, so, possibly close enough.
149. CIN
Good, that’ll simple things up. I’m going to check with Miney, but I
think I know the answer.
150. ROSEMARY
That’s not very nice. So you are in outer
space?
151. EPIPHANY
[We
wish we were in outer space, Rosemary.]
152. ROSEMARY
That would be nice, away from these
r00d bots.
153. CIN
And I’m right. You were meant as a gift for
Lee-bee, which, actually, should have been obvious.
154. EPIPHANY
[Does
that mean we can wrap her in festive paper, tie it in place with ribbon, and
leave her under a pine tree somewhere?]
155. OVD
Yes, as long as that "somewhere" is accessible by
Bill the Camera Guy.
156. EPIPHANY
[.
. . I'll talk to a gal I know.]
157. ROSEMARY
I know.
158. EVRYN
Even Rosemary knows you know
everyone!
159. CIN
According to this, he really liked
the idea of a pretty black-and-red tiger, and he scoured Minx AND Earth for
platinum for the wings.
160. ROSEMARY
You really are human, aren’t you?
161. CIN
DUDE. NOT COOL.
162. ROSEMARY
Never mind. You are the rudest of
bots.
163. CIN
*fart noise*
164. ROSEMARY
THE RUDEST OF BOTS.
165. CIN
a) So, Maheone went off and found a way
to make said pretty winged tiger and left it up to fate that you and Lee’d meet.
b) Oh yeah, and the sword’s balanced on Maheone’s old bedpost.
166. EVRYN
So Illybrius can bring people back
there and make notches in it, or what?
167. ROSEMARY
What colour is your hair?
168. EVRYN
It's pink, you daffy bot.
169. CIN
Lee’s right about him having gone back to
try to find you, but he couldn’t. He didn’t see any tigers matching your description at all, so he went
home after a fortnight or so Drakoste time.
170. ILLYBRIUS
Well then, is that all?
171. CIN
Yeah. I’ll let you know if something comes
up.
172. AKUMA
Suddenly.
173. ILLYBRIUS
Hmm?
174. AKUMA
All I was, all I am, is nothing more
than a gift.
175. SERLEINA
DESPITE
ALL MY RAGE I AM STILL JUST A RAT IN A
DESPITE
ALL MY RAGE I AM STILL JUST A RAT IN A
DESPITE
ALL MY RAGE I AM STILL JUST A RAT IN A CAAAAAGE!
176. EPIPHANY
[Well,
you could choose to not let the unfortunate circumstances of your early
childhood completely define you because there's more to you than that, but you
never make choices and there's not actually all that much to you.]
[You
just exist to generate feelings of worry and pity in others so Corri can bask
in the anxiety she's causing them.]
177. CIN
Don’t feel bad. So was Enon.
178. EVRYN
Unfortunately, Illybrius didn’t keep the receipt.
179. DREPANON, offstage
I know the feeling; neither did Meta.
180. SIGYN
Mean!
181. AKUMA
An experiment.
182. EPIPHANY
[Hey,
don't knock experiments.]
[.
. . I was a result of my parents experimenting, too.]
183. CIN
He was just an experiment too, a
present for Larlia. Why is that so terrible?
184. MINESWEEPER
Miss Enzeru, you were not “just” anything.
185. ROSEMARY
I was asking whether you know what
dota is.
186. EPIPHANY
[Defense
of the Ancients is an action RTS mod for Warcraft III: Reign of Chaos.]
[My
cousin Jirou wouldn't shut up about it for months.]
187. OVD
Epiphany, it's 2008.
188. EPIPHANY
[*My
cousin Jirou will not shut up about it for months once it is made. In the
future.]
189. MINESWEEPER
a) You were one of the Blessed, one of Maheone’s specially protected.
b) Though he did not possess divination,
he must have known that you would be greatly honored in your future.
190. ROSEMARY
My moon computers do all the
calculations for me.
191. EPIPHANY
[I
wish I had moon computers.]
192. ROSEMARY
They calculate using Moon Logic
Computations.
193. EVRYN
How does that work, exactly?
194. ROSEMARY
They run everything everyone says
through Translation Party, so the show I am watching is vastly different from
the show presented in the script. I can show you sometime, if you like.
195. EVRYN
Awesome! What's this show called,
then?
196. ROSEMARY
Akumu's Castle: A Reign of Terror.
197. EVRYN
Dude, that sounds badass!
198. ROSEMARY
It is very interesting.
199. MINESWEEPER
He must have planned for you to take
his place as melyma.
200. ROSEMARY
Nobody’s ever drawn blood from me, and
nobody ever will!
201. EPIPHANY
[You've
gone your whole life without ever needing a blood test?]
202. EVRYN smirks
I think I found my new donor.
203.
MINESWEEPER
It would
explain why he didn’t wish to be Drakoste any longer. He Incarnated, but he made it clear
that he would not return after “visiting” Earth. Do you remember his parting words, Lord Illybrius?
204. ILLYBRIUS
Alye dolanthe hare, koganis caliere.
Vierdertine arche.
205. MINESWEEPER
“Though I roam away, there will be a
comrade to take my place. I have considered all things, always.”
206. ILLYBRIUS
Clokensang Douven. Nijtcaela melymae,
quenonai-cloken. Illyvium mirare.
207. MINESWEEPER
“The time for bloodshed will have
passed. There will be a shortage of melymae, but for fewer than a thousand
years. The equilibrium will be restored later.”
208. ILLYBRIUS
Doni ka pelloky.
209. MINESWEEPER
“I will not prove false.”
210. ILLYBRIUS
That is all I can remember, though I
feel certain there was more.
211. CIN
Obviously he knew SOMETHING. He knew
what he was doing and he knew a damn sight more than we do.
212. ROSEMARY
You said you’d never been in love.
213. CIN
Look, it’s inconclusive. Also, dude, my fiancé watches this!
214. ROSEMARY
Would you like to dance?
215. CIN starts to dance the Caleb
a) Yes, thank you for asking.
Miney and I think you were probably meant to be one of the melymae, but
even if you’re not the one
he meant, you were still blessed by him in a way.
b) I don’t remember enough about my own damn
culture to know WHAT way, so that’s probably really empty—
216. EVRYN
Yes, welcome to America, where all
semblance of culture flies right out the window.
217. CIN
--but you ARE somebody.
218. ROSEMARY
We were talking about you, saying you
didn’t have any
friends.
219. EVRYN
Yes, that too.
220. CIN
You are special.
221. ROSEMARY
I know I am.
222. CIN
You were chosen for something, even
if none of us can honestly say we know what.
223. EVRYN
I don’t think the snowflake needs to be
convinced that it’s really all that sparkly and special.
224. EPIPHANY
[This
exposition is actually pretty dry.]
[Could
we move on to something more snarkable?]
225. AKUMA
Who… what am I?
226. EPIPHANY
[You
are a weeaboo.]
227. ILLYBRIUS
You are Akuma.
228. EVRYN
Akuma the Weeaboo.
229. CIN
You’re Akuma Torina Enzeru, our current
Meliara of Animals and Fertility, and Illybrius’s bondmate, though that hasn’t been consummated yet.
230. AKUMA
Am I really?
231. EPIPHANY
[No.
You're actually a random homeless chick we picked up off the street and your
memories to the contrary have all been artificially implanted.]
232. SIGYN
No, that's MY plotline. Pay attention.
233. OVD
No, it isn't.
234. SIGYN
Hey, if they get to dick around, I
should, too!
235. EVRYN
I thought that was what Meta was for.
236. DREPANON, offstage
I TAKE OFFENSE TO THAT.
237. EVRYN
You're right. He was a mistake with
no real purpose to fulfill.
238. DREPANON, offstage
...
239. EVRYN
Sorry, can't hear you over the
ellipsis. Did you say, "Oh, go on then, Evryn, you were entirely correct
the first time," or did you say, "Don't talk about my son that
way!" or did you say, "Don't say that in front of people where they
can hear me, I have a reputation to uphold"?
240. SERLEINA
MMM,
WHAT'CHA SAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYYYY
241. OVD
SPOILERS, SERLEINA!
242.
CIN head-desks
243. CIN
a) Oh yeah, and Lee, you forgot a few words.
b) What he said IN FULL—Miney got the translation right, but you forgot some of
what he’d said in
Drakoste.
c) He said “Alye dolanthe
haré, koganis caliere. Vierdertine arche, ahn cuier. Clokensang mirare douven.
Mira-quenonai-cloken, nijtcaela melymae. Illyvium kogan mirare. Doni ka
pelloky. Maliri ka Illy-briucce: Este dragostea vestii mele.”
244. DRAKE
She is right. Akuma, I mean.
245. CIN
About what?
246. ILLYBRIUS
Cinnamon, you are lying! He did not
say that!
247. CIN
Yes he did. I have the archive right
fucking here, and it’s been checked by Miney so there’s no mistake.
No comments:
Post a Comment
Please share your thoughts....