1. TITLE
Caught in a Badfic
2. November 5, 2008 | 6:00 PM
SETTING
Orion's Room
3.
ILLYBRIUS
Bonjour.
4.
EPIPHANY,
smiling
[Bonjour!]
5.
AKUMA
Still lonely, Lee?
6.
ILLYBRIUS
Better now. Epiphany's here.
7.
AKUMA
Ah. How are things?
8.
ILLYBRIUS
a) Very confused. I have translations of
the book.
b) However, while there is no doubt in
my mind that the maharus mentioned is indeed Maheone, some things he has said
are quite uncharacteristic.
c)
He'd
not have bonded with anybody, for instance, preferring to be single so that he
could come and go as work required.
d) I have not read much of it— only what
Cinnamon highlighted, and that was very little.
9.
AKUMA
Drake is trying to find a way around
certain laws.
10. EVRYN
Wow, way to not acknowledge anything
Illybrius just said.
11. ILLYBRIUS
Loopholes?
12. AKUMA
Yeah.
13. ILLYBRIUS
Oh mon dieu.
14. EVRYN
Wouldn't that be yourself?
15. EPIPHANY
[You'd
think.]
16. AKUMA
We actually think we found a good one
and Drake went with Kibby to bring him home for you.
17. ILLYBRIUS
I will be most happy if both Orion
and Drake make it out of this mess alive.
18. AKUMA
That's why Kibby went. If Drake can't
get him off, they are going to use Kibby to break out.
19. ILLYBRIUS
I'm speechless.
20. EVRYN
Show, don't tell.
21. AKUMA
It was my plan. I would have gone
"to by" my energy is what's keeping his bond with you intact.
22. EVRYN
Sorry, what?
23. AKUMA
... I would have gone too, but my
energy is what's keeping his bond with you intact.
24. EVRYN
That's better.
25. ILLYBRIUS
Cinnamon said she felt something
happen with one of the bonds earlier, before she convinced Usagi to let the
Minesweeper restore my memory.
26. AKUMA
Well, when Corri told me, I quickly
"redirecting" any of my extra energy to protecting it.
27. EVRYN
Redirecting?
28. AKUMA
Redirected. Sorry.
29. ILLYBRIUS
How are you recovering?
30. AKUMA
Slow right now.
31. EVRYN
We can tell.
32. AKUMA
I wanted to make sure that can't hurt
either you or him. And... I remember Impare.
33. ILLYBRIUS
As do I. The trouble is that much of
what Maheone said, his speech, his mannerisms as told in the Exodus Marvel,
seem so uncharacteristic of him.
34. EVRYN
Like a bad fanfic?
35. ILLYBRIUS
Exactly like a bad fanfic.
36. AKUMA
He told me once that here, no one
"expect" him to be perfect so he had no expectation to live up to.
37. EVRYN
That isn't really a good handwave,
though.
38. AKUMA
He always took care of me.
39. EPIPHANY
[What about the thing with the tiger?!]
[pedobear-tiger.jpg]
40. AKUMA
He was the one person who I was never
afraid of disappointing.
41. CINNAMON
You're damn lucky, then. Lee, exactly
how dramatically has his personality changed since he Incarnated? Just so I
know.
42. ILLYBRIUS
a) Nowhere near as dramatically as it is
told here.
b) It could well have been somebody
else.
c)
I'd
almost think it the mutt if it didn't say "silver eyes".
d) However, there are several things
that... It could be nobody else, yet there are also several things for which it
could not possibly be him.
43. EPIPHANY
[So
like a bad fanfic.]
44. ILLYBRIUS
Yes! Exactly like a bad fanfic!
45. EPIPHANY
[
Is it possible that the mysterious plot book is cursed to always sound like bad
fanfic?]
46. CIN
Wait, my mysterious plot book or
Akuma's?
47. EVRYN
THE ONE THAT'S ACTUALLY FANFIC, YOU
STUPID—
48. CIN
Oh. Right. Probably!
49. EPIPHANY
[That
explains why the Enjerus think that rape is a solution to everything.]
50. SIGYN raises hand.
51. TOKIOMI and DREPANON
No.
52. SIGYN
*laughs* Right. Like that’ll stop me.
53. SIGYN ponies up
54. AKUMA
He taught me how to change. That is
why I remember him so well.
55. MARIE
I mean, my mom taught me how to
change my clothes, but that wasn't very memorable.
56. AKUMA
He would stay with me on Wraith's
Hallow. The only one that would stay.
57. CIN
Then—but—
58. ILLYBRIUS
Cinnamon, please do not bother trying
to shield your thoughts.
59. CIN
"What I did the other
night." That doesn't make sense— he was most definitely in Celestia in all
of August.
60. AKUMA
He always came back in the summer,
but that time was different.
61. CIN
You're right. On the one hand, it
explains a lot, but on the other, it raises a lot of questions. Damn it. I wish
I could ask him about this but OBVIOUSLY I CAN'T! Rrgh.
62. AKUMA
Gomen-nasi.
63. ILLYBRIUS
Not your fau— Cinnamon, what is this?
64. CIN
Um, a center for ants?
65. ILLYBRIUS
No...
66. AKUMA
Svix?
67. ILLYBRIUS
Not true! No, no way!
68. AKUMA
I had Corri send me what she had. The
first were right in translation, but the last one was in old Dridaerian. I will
translate that myself. I'm sure she screwed somethig up.
69. CIN
a) Uh, the first two were the ones with
which we were having problems. Because, let me see.
b) Maheone would never get married, he
was generally cheerful and not an emo mess, he was in Celestia for all of
August and thus could not have visited you unless he'd created a clone to stay
in Celestia in his place, but it's not really in him to do something so
deceptive.
c)
Healing
was a power shared by all the mahari and meliarae, so he'd not have been
infringing upon anything.
d) His grammar in life was somewhat
better than it is in these accounts.
70. REIYA
Also, he's not a fucking rapist.
71. EVRYN
Don't you just hate it when the
original author pokes holes in your badfic?
72. AKUMA
Look, I will go through the book
myself. I can channel it better because it knows me. I will find the truth.
73. CIN
Thank you. My god, this is a headache
trying to go through. Y'all don't shy away from the run-on sentence, no
offense.
74. EVRYN
FULL OFFENSE, FULL STOP.
75. ILLYBRIUS
My name, being the literal Drakoste
for "paradise in Hell", can't possibly be so rare! There's another
one bearing my name somewhere.
76. AKUMA
I had never heard "you"
name before I met you anywhere. 5,000 years is a long time.
77. EPIPHANY
*fart noise*
78. CIN
I've never heard
"Illybrius" until recently— like, a year ago recently, or maybe two
years if that note you left for my sister counts.
79. EVRYN
She's talking about her younger
sister Sera.
80. SIGYN
I like Sera. Unfortunately, she kind of
hates Meta, so…
81. CIN
Dammit all to hell, I need to take
another look at the Tainted Age officials. Um, Akuma, have you ever heard the
name "Exalis"?
82. AKUMA
Exalis... Xikligar... Once, I think.
Why?
83. CIN
Huh. Do you remember the context? I'm
going through the archive and Exalis, Snapdragon's late husband, is mentioned.
84. AKUMA
Yes. Hang on. I think... I'll be
right back.
85.
FADE OUT,
FADE IN
86. AKUMA
"The" was an outsider that
came to our village once by that name. He begged "up" to open a
portal to anywhere. So we did. We opened a portal and he went through.
87. CIN
Oh boy. Because this account, while
it doesn't say much of him, doesn't paint the prettiest picture.
88. AKUMA
He paid us in Vilgve. We don't ask
questions then.
89. EVRYN
Yeah, I wouldn't either, if he paid
me in currency that sounded that incredibly evil.
90. OVD
RACIST.
91. EVRYN
How so?
92. OVD
I don't know. Lena left her soapbox in my office. I wanted
to see what it felt like.
93. CIN
Well, thanks then, because if it
weren't for him, I guess Larlia wouldn't exist and then neither would I.
94. AKUMA
Like I said, with what we were paid,
we would have opened a path to Hell if he asked.
95. EVRYN
That's not actually what you said.
You only said you don't ask questions when paid in "Vilgve", whatever
bloody currency that is.
96. EPIPHANY
[What
are Vilgve?]
97. EVRYN
Some kind of currency, I guess.
98. SERLEINA
THE
BONES OF CHILDREN! I mean, if I had to guess.
99. CIN
HEY! OH MY GOD, HEY! "At the
feast of Maheone, the maharus's 19th birthday, Maheone was ill. He requested
that the contest be held off till next year." Good grief, April, the first
of April. Was he— did he visit then?
100.
AKUMA
Most of the time...
101.
EVRYN
No, she meant that specific April.
102.
AKUMA
Hang on. I hate the calendars you
people use.
103.
LENA
"YOU PEOPLE" IS RACIST!
104.
CIN
Diamond.
105.
AKUMA
That is demon. We go by something
different.
106.
EPIPHANY
[Because
you're Enjerus?]
107.
SIGYN
No-one pointed it out in Lucky, but
gemstones as birthstones wasn't standardized until 1912, if memory serves.
108.
CIN
Alright, but may I point out this:
"Maheone held the drunken maharus somewhat stiffly, and didn't surrender
to sleep until he was sure that Illybrius was quiescent."
109.
EVRYN
That's an excerpt from Falcon-canon,
mind you.
110.
CIN
It says he was asleep. It says that
clearly. "Maheone [...] didn't surrender to sleep until he was sure that
Illybrius was quiescent."
111.
AKUMA
Look, I just started reading over
that page.
112.
EVRYN
Maybe you should learn your canon
before attempting fanfic?
113.
AKUMA
Yami and Hikari are both helping, as
strange as that sounds.
114.
CIN
Doesn't sound strange.
115.
EPIPHANY
[
It DOES sound strange. Why do you need your weeaboo goddesses to help you write
your badfic?]
116.
CIN
Want to get to the bottom of this.
Don't care about appearances.
117.
AKUMA
Okay, they "says"
"the" the Esoteric Mellifluence is made to do one "this"
and one thing only. "Recond" the past in its truest sense.
118.
EVRYN
Would you redo that, please?
119.
AKUMA
... Okay, they say the Extraneous
Mentoring is made to do one thing and one thing only: Record the past in its
truest sense.
120.
EVRYN
Much better, thank you.
121.
EPIPHANY
[
It's bullshit.]
122.
EVRYN
Yes, but the line was read better.
123.
CIN
Yeah, that's what I'm trying to do,
too. That's my job.
124.
AKUMA
It means that anything written down
"if" this book is nothing more or less than the truth.
125.
EVRYN
Nope, sorry, that doesn't make your
badfic canon.
126.
OVD
Evryn, everything is canon.
127.
EVRYN
There you are! I was wondering when
you were gonna start piping up.
128.
AKUMA
I can even prove it right now. I am
going to write, "I plan to marry Bastion" and see "what does
okay"?
129.
CIN
Uh, ok.
130.
SIGYN
I would be cautious about saying
something like that to Bastion's fiancée, but it's your funeral.
131.
AKUMA
Well, I won't be doing that kind of
test ever again.
132.
CIN
What happened?
133.
AKUMA
Well, I have several fourth degree
burns now "beca-sue" of what I tried to write.
134.
EVRYN
No, you don't.
135.
EPIPHANY
[Do you even know what a fourth-degree burn is?]
[Also,
you've been set on fire repeatedly on this very show and been just fine. Are
you sure you didn't set yourself on fire with your sparkly special new fire
powers that you have now courtesy of your liaisons with Illybrius?]
136.
CIN
Alright, but I still think Maheone's
behavior while visiting you was incredibly uncharacteristic.
137.
EPIPHANY
[
It's like it wasn't him!]
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