1. TITLE
Caught
in a Badfic 2: The Book of Godmode Retcon
2.
11/05/2008, 7:00 PM
SETTING
Orion's
room
3. AKUMA
Impare told me once he felt free here. But he "al-os"
would tell me something else that I can't remember.
4. CIN
"The next morning, Illybrius woke up in his own bed. There
was a carafe of water and a note that said, 'Never going to happen.'"
5. AKUMA
I don't know what to tell you, okay?
6. EVRYN
You could admit that it was a shitty badfic, apologise, and go
revise it so that it makes more sense with canon.
7. AKUMA
I translated the book and gave it out to people not of my clan.
There are reasons I was not supposed to do this, and this is just one of the
reasons.
8. REIYA
"You calling me out on my bullshit was one of the reasons,
waaahhh"
9. AKUMA
Cibne droght girld ne vah.
10. CIN
Well then, maybe somebody DID tamper with the original Drakoste
archives.
11. EVRYN
No! Don't let her gaslight you out of your own canon!
12. AKUMA
I am re-translating the full pages from Corri. I need a few more
minutes.
13. REIYA
"While she re-drafts it."
14. CIN
S'cool.
15. AKUMA
Okay. I'm done.
16. EVRYN
That was NOT a few more minutes.
17. OVD
What do the time stamps say, Evryn?
18. EVRYN
7:03: Akuma: "I am re-translating the full pages from
Corri. I need a few more minutes."
7:04: Cinnamon: "S'cool."
7:04: Akuma: "Okay. I'm done."
19. OVD
Well, damn.
20. AKUMA
Now what question did you have for that? I think I can answer
them as best I can really quick for you.
21. ILLYBRIUS
How could he have... if he'd been asleep?
22. EVRYN
Also, just how long after the Day of Everlast was he supposed to
receive, uh, you? Because it's been like 6 or 7 thousand years. That is some
really slow and shitty postal service. You should file a complaint.
23. AKUMA
Okay, if I am reading it right, Impare fell asleep for a short
time when he "sid" he felt something that woke him, but he doesn't
say what. And as for that, time passes differently. When I told you I died at
thirteen, I wasn't lying. I did die at that age according to our years.
24. EVRYN
Wait, I thought you were nineteen?
25. REIYA
The character "Akumanox" on the RP forums is 19.
26. EVRYN
EWWWW!
27. AKUMA
In truth, I was about in my late fifties in human years, give or
take. So when I say 5,000 years, I mean of my years.
28. EPIPHANY
["MY planet circles around MY sun SEVERAL TIMES A
WEEK!"]
29. JEPH
[SUE-per
high speeds, if you will.]
30. CIN
"Maheone held the drunken maharus somewhat stiffly, *and
didn't surrender to sleep until he was sure that Illybrius was
quiescent.*" Sometime after he fell asleep, I guess he'd woken up, but
that's not shown in my archive.
31. EVRYN
Because, protip, it didn't fucking happen. Now, Audience, I'm
not trying to discourage any of YOU from writing fanfic. Far from it. We love
receiving alternate interpretations of this show and its characters. But
please, please, PLEASE do the fucking research first, and if someone calls you
on writing people out-of-character, don't do a bullshit handwave. …Unless it’s
crackfic. Crackfic is always valid.
32. EPIPHANY
[ It's really awfully convenient that he allegedly removed
all evidence of the act so that it's indistinguishable between whether it
happened or not, as far as Illybrius's memory goes, especially since he used a
Special Undetectable Handwave Memory Wipe Spell® .]
33. AKUMA
a) I know the day Impare showed up after the time he was
supposed to leave, he was so upset.
b) I felt "him" pain and quit my flying lesson to find
him. I "tired" to ease his pain, but... "I" was like it
never seemed to end.
34. OVD
STOP. Redo the last two sentences.
35. AKUMA
... Oh. I felt his pain and quit my flying lesson to find him. I
tried to ease his pain, but it was like it never seemed to end.
36. OVD
Better.
37. CIN
Obviously, I can't doubt the verity of what's in here.
38. EVRYN
Doubt it. DOUBT IT HARD.
39. CIN
I guess I'll have to look into the accounts again and see if I
skipped over anything in my own translations. Ugh. I'm working from letters and
witness frikkin accounts.
40. EVRYN
Yeah, imagine how the poor bastards who had to piece together
the Bible felt.
41. CIN
Also, aww, you were cute as a kid.
42. AKUMA
Please don't ever say that again.
43. EVRYN
Why not? Most people think kids are cute.
44. EPIPHANY
[ I agree with Akuma, because Kid!Akuma only showed up to
get raped by a tiger and then gifted into slavery.]
45. EVRYN
Point.
46. CIN
I wasn't gonna. I just had to point it out the once.
47. TOKIOMI
ALSO.
Why the fuck did Skye keep referring to her as his "angel"? They're
all angels. Skye, Dante, Torin, Akuma, presumably Akuma's mother, and the entire
rest of their species are angels.
48. AKUMA
Well, if he blocked Lee's memory and then his own, I doubt you
would find much. And as for Lee ending up in his "ow" bed at the end
of the translation, it says that he redressed him and moved him someplace safe.
49. EVRYN
His ow bed?
50. AKUMA
His own bed.
51. EVRYN
Thank you.
52. CIN
a) But you're working from the Expelliarmus Monolith and I'm
working from letters and diaries and stuff.
b) And yeah, okay, but with a note that said, "Never going
to happen"?
c) And what about the days later when Lee snuck into his bed and
woke up in his own with the other notes?
d) And what about that last time, when Maheone—
e) *sharp sigh* You get the idea.
53. AKUMA
It was his way of making sure he didn't do it "ag-i-an".
54. OVD
Redo that last word.
55. AKUMA
Again.
56. OVD
Better.
57. AKUMA
He says he was afraid that if given the chance, he would do it
again. He was trying to push him away to protect him.
58. EVRYN
That is some weaksauce reasoning, even for a thirteen-year-old.
59. CIN
"This isn't funny, Illybrius. Cut it out"? Well, I
can't doubt that he has a habit of running away from problems. He's just like
my ex.
60. EVRYN
I get a feeling we'll be hearing that phrase quite a lot on this
show.
61. SIGYN
What
makes you say that?
62. TOKIOMI
oh
come ON.
63. ILLYBRIUS
I would have loved for—
64. CIN
One more question. Neferbelii said that Illybrius was born
without the ability to cry properly. His body never produced enough tears. Why
then?
65. ILLYBRIUS
Transfusion.
66. CIN
Whuh?
67. EVRYN
I don't think you're using that word correctly.
68. AKUMA
Yeah. The Corri messed up that part.
69. EVRYN
The Corri messed up every bloody part.
70. ILLYBRIUS
Transfusion. When we were seventeen or so, we transfused.
71. EPIPHANY
[That explains nothing, makes no sense, and only raises
more questions.]
72. AKUMA
It said that he was crying blood but ran out of tears and fell
asleep again.
73. EPIPHANY
[ I don't think that's called falling asleep.]
[ I think that's called exsanguination.]
74. DÉSMODA
Can confirm.
75. AKUMA
It was after that, that Impare moved him. Lee... I need a big
favor.
76. CIN
If he'd cried blood, he wouldn't have run out till he died.
77. EPIPHANY
[CALLED IT]
78. AKUMA
It could mean he was far too tired to keep crying.
79. EVRYN
No, because that's stupid. I mean, it's all stupid, but yours is
stupider, so there.
80. CIN
Ach, metaphors.
81. AKUMA
Yup. DEFINITELY NOT BACKPEDALING, NO SIR!
82. ILLYBRIUS
Very well, this favor.
83. AKUMA
Fully open the bond with me. I want to look for something. Lee,
are you ready?
84. ILLYBRIUS
What is it for which you search?
85. AKUMA
Enzeru magic.
86. REIYA
"Which I could probably create myself if you let me in and
falsify my search results!"
87. AKUMA
Do you mind?
88. EVRYN
Er, yes? That's terrible! You should feel terrible!
89. ILLYBRIUS
I doubt you'll find it, but try.
90. AKUMA
Thank you. It will feel strange, but don't fight what you feel,
okay?
91. SERLEINA
THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID!
92. REIYA
More like, "Don't fight what *I make* you feel."
93. SIGYN
THAT'S
DEFINITELY WHAT SHE SAID!
94. ILLYBRIUS
Very well.
95. AKUMA
Aggkk hibjur sakler orajfle qiek akwje mqepa appemg
96. CIN
Gesundheit.
97. AKUMA
Lee... I found it. Whoops, didn't realize I said the spell out
loud.
98. SERLEINA
HOW CAN YOU NOT NOTICE THAT?! YOU SOUNDED LIKE YOU WERE
DYING! AGAIN! REPENT! REPENT FOR YOUR SINS AGAINST OUR EARS!
99. AKUMA
I found what I was looking for, but can't do anything about it.
100. CIN
~ Early one morning just as the sun was rising
I heard a fair maid sing in the valley below
Oh, don't deceive me, oh never leave me
How could you use a poor maiden so?~
101. AKUMA
Lee?
102. CIN
~ Here now I wander alone as I wonder
Why did you leave me to sigh and complain?
I ask of the roses, 'Why should I be forsaken?'
Why must I here in sorrow remain?~
103. AKUMA
Gomen-nasi, kibito.
104. EVRYN poses
Tree?
105. CIN
~ Through yonder grove by the spring that was running
There you and I had so merrily played
Kissing and courting, and gently sporting
Oh, my innocent heart you've betrayed.~
106. SIGYN AND CIN
~ Soon you will meet with another pretty maiden
Some pretty maiden, you'll court her for a while
Thus ever ranging, turning and changing
Always seeking for a girl that is new
Thus sung the maiden, her sorrows bewailing
Thus sung the maiden in the valley below~
107. CIN
~Oh, don't deceive me
Oh, never leave me
How could you use a poor maiden so?~
108. AKUMA
I wish...
109. SIGYN, DREPANON
NO THANK YOU.
110. DREPANON
STOP THAT.
111. SIGYN
Make
me.
112. MARIE
Both of you hush down with your metafiction.
113. CORRI
WHAT? META ISN'T FICTION! HE'S TOTALLY A REAL DEMON, YOU GUYS—
114.
(static screen, Doki Doki music)
115. CORRI
What am I doing here? I'm not scheduled to record today?
116. OVD
Go home, Corri. You're drunk.
117. CORRI
Oh...
118. sadquit CORRI
119. MARIE
I better go make sure she takes a cab.
120. stagequit MARIE
121. CIN
Uh, he's a little loopy right now. Also, that was just a song.
No reference to life.
122. AKUMA
No, but I feel his pain.
123. SERLEINA
ARE YOU SUFFERING? I WANT YOUR SUFFERING, I WANT TO SEE
YOUR *PAIN!*
124. AKUMA
...
125. SERLEINA
What, Cinnamon and Audience 1 can
burst into song at random, but not me?
126. AKUMA
Oh, is that what that was?
127. SERLEINA
That's a good question.
128. SERLEINA picks Akuma up and hurls her out
the window.
129. OVD
Dammit!
130. OUTSIDE
131. THE FICUS KNOWN AS OVD
I hate it when you do that.
132. SERLEINA
Tough shit.
133. EPIPHANY
[Couldn't we just wait for her to get back up the stairs?]
134. FICUS
We are 13 floors up, and she makes an
increasingly more jarring Akuma noise with every step up the stairs. I wanted
to spare the rest of the building. They already think the studio is haunted.
135. AKUMA
Meanies.
136. CIN
He'll be... He's a survivor, yeah? I guess he just misses Orion.
137. AKUMA
I'm going.
138. EPIPHANY, Santa Claus scowl
[BUT WE JUST FUCKING GOT HERE.]
139. ILLYBRIUS
Noooooo. No, stay, please stay. My aching quads!
140. SERLEINA
AS MY UNCLE USED TO SAY, SUCK IT UP AND WALK IT OFF!
NOBODY LIKES A QUITTER! SMILERS WEAR A CROWN AND LOSERS WEAR A FROWN!
141. AKUMA
I have to bring him back.
142. ILLYBRIUS
He can't be back on his own?
143. SERLEINA
HOLD ON I'LL JUST GO HURL HIM OVER—
144. EPIPHANY
[wHAT'S AUTONOMY]
[ Is that something you eat?]
145. SERLEINA
RUUUUUDE.
146. EPIPHANY
[You're the one who plays my background music!]
147. SERLEINA
What background—
148.
(Doki Doki music plays)
149.
THE STUDIO
150. EPIPHANY
[We're back SUDDENLY.]
151. AKUMA
I don't know, but right now you need him, so I was going to get
him for you. You are what's important.
152. EPIPHANY
[Who are you and what did you do with Akuma? Akuma NEVER
takes initiative.]
153. AKUMA
I don't know, strange things happen when people PITCH YOU OUT OF
THIRTEENTH-STORY WINDOWS, COMPLETELY WITHOUT PROVOCATION!
154. SERLEINA
I like her better this way.
155. EPIPHANY
[ I do too. It's just weird.]
156. ILLYBRIUS
Stay, please.
157. AKUMA
But you are in pain.
158. ILLYBRIUS
I do not think he would cause less pain.
159. enter ORION
160. ORION
Lee.
161. ORION hugs Illybrius tightly.
162. ORION
I don't know
What words I can say
The wind has a way
To talk to me
Flowers speak a "sli-let" lullaby.
163. EVRYN
A what?
164. ORION
DON'T IMPUGN MY POETRY, MORTAL!
165. EPIPHANY
[ I'm immortal and I will impugn your "poetry"
as much as I want.]
166. ORION
Well if you think you're so smart then go right ahead, but you
should know that I learned to write poetry from my friend Meta.
167. CIN
That explains it.
168. EPIPHANY
[Meta Falcon?]
[He's such a pissant writer that a literal ant made of
piss could compose better poetry than his.]
169. CIN
I mean, who do you think wrote the opening theme for November?
170. ILLYBRIUS
Maheone, though dominant, was never brutal. He wasn't the type
to enjoy rough sex.
171. EVRYN
...erm... Look, sometimes people's personalities out in the
world are non-indicative of what they enjoy in bed. I'm not saying that's the
case for Maheone, but I do think that's something to keep in mind for the
audience.
172. TOKIOMI
As
an Audience member, I endorse this.
173. SERLEINA
HELL YEAH, HE DOES!
174. ORION
I pray for advice
I'm ready.
175. ILLYBRIUS
Does not compute.
176. ORION
She can't hear you right now, Kio.
177. CIN
*makes cricket noises*
178. ILLYBRIUS
Orion?
179. ORION
Yes. Would you prefer I leave?
180. EPIPHANY
[Yes.]
181. ILLYBRIUS
No, no please! J'adore—
182a. ORION
She... Akuma loves you very much.
182b. EVRYN takes a shot
182c. ORION
Enough that she brought me here for you. What's wrong?
183. ILLYBRIUS
Nothing. Everything.
184. EVRYN
Corri's crapping all over Team Falcon's history books with her badfic,
and he’s tired of all these motherfucking guilt trips on this motherfucking
plane.
185. ORION
Tell me. I don't know how long she can keep me here.
186. EVRYN
What the fuck?
187. ILLYBRIUS
I cannot. I cannot say anything more. Usagi thinks you are only
pretending to care for me, and though I know how prone he is to petty jealousy,
I believe him.
188. ORION
I understand. "As" just so you know. My sentence will
"my" carried out in a few hours.
189. EVRYN
Jeez, you're as bad at words as Akuma is.
190. OVD
I agree. Please redo your last two
sentences, but as one sentence.
191. ORION
... And just so you know, my sentence will be carried out in a
few hours.
192. OVD
Better.
193. ORION
I wanted to thank you.
194. ILLYBRIUS
NO! NO! PLEASE! I CANNOT LOSE YOU!
195. ORION
You don't need me. Not really.
196. SIGYN
This
is starting to get painful. And I don’t just mean Illybrius’s singing. Not that
I’m one to talk, but still.
197. EPIPHANY
[This is stupid.]
198. EVRYN
Painfully stupid.
199. ILLYBRIUS
I love you.
200. EVRYN takes a shot.
201. ILLYBRIUS
I shouldn't say it, I shouldn't feel it! I don't want to live
without you!
202. ORION
You'll be fine. You have Usagi and Akuma.
203. LENA
a) dum-da-da-DUM! It's time for your Irregularly Scheduled
Poly-Inclusive Soapboxing, brought to you by me, Lena Farkas.
b) Firstly, implying that a person who is poly should be
"fine" without one partner just because he has two others trivializes
all of his relationships and the level of commitment and attachment he feels to
each person involved.
c) Secondly, it minimizes the partners as people and implies that
people are replaceable, which is just bad precedent no matter how you
lean.
d) Thirdly, as a partner, if Orion truly believes he doesn't
mean as much to Illybrius as Usagi and Akuma, Orion shouldn't be in a
relationship with them at all.
e) Fourthly, if Orion is only saying that to be manipulative, he
shouldn't be in a relationship with ANYBODY at all.
f) Fifthly, for relationships in general, you should never tell
any of your partners how they should feel about any of their other partners.
204. EVRYN
Wow, Lena, I do believe that's the most you've ever said in one
take.
205. LENA
Did I miss anything?
206. MARIE
No, that was pretty insightful.
207. ILLYBRIUS
Don't! You're doing the same goddamn thing Usagi always does! I
won't! There's something about you. It calls to me. You seem familiar somehow!
208. ORION
I know. But please. It was fun. Cherish the memories. And yes.
You knew me once. Before I became a demon.
209. EVRYN
That's news to me!
210. ORION
But I must go.
211. ILLYBRIUS
No! I LOVE YOU!
212. EVRYN takes a shot.
213. ILLYBRIUS
DOES THAT—
214. ORION
IT DOES MEAN SOMETHING! It means that I must... You are making
this hard on me, Illybrius.
215. SIGYN
HE'S
making this hard on YOU?! You're the one up and abandoning him, you lowlife
piece of shit!
216. ILLYBRIUS
I didn't mean to love you. In fact, at first I avoided it. But I
am not willing to live without you.
217. EVRYN
Two weeks. You've known him for two weeks. Is the dick really
that bomb?
218. SIGYN
You'd
be surprised.
219. ORION
So you are willing to leave Akuma behind?
220. LENA
Using one partner against another partner is ALSO bad poly
behavior!
221. ORION
Even after what... Never mind. It doesn't matter.
222. ILLYBRIUS
It does! It matters.
223. ORION
What matters is that Akuma was made for you.
224. EVRYN
OF ALL THE GUILT-TRIPPING BULLSHIT!
225. ORION
Be with her. Love her.
226. LENA
Implying that Illybrius can magically transfer all of his love
for Orion over to Akuma is also bad poly behavior!
227. SIGYN
Are
you going to point things like this out every time?
228. LENA
When they occur to me, yes.
229. SIGYN
...
Oh. Well, okay. It's... educational.
230. ILLYBRIUS
I never asked for her! While I do care for her— it's different.
You are the one that I love, Orion!
231. AKUMA
Love him, Lee. Never let him go.
232. EVRYN
On the one hand, I kind of wish Corri would make up her mind,
but on the other hand, the longer Illybrius keeps Orion talking, the more
likely it is Orion will miss his stupid execution-ex-machina deadline.
233. REIYA
Yeah, but he's being such an emotionally manipulative jackass.
Do we really want him to?
234. EVRYN
I don't want to hear Illybrius emo about ~losing~ him and then
deal with Akuma emo about Illybrius being too busy mourning his dead boyfriend
of two weeks to pay attention to her.
235. ILLYBRIUS
I love both of you very much.
236. EVRYN takes a shot.
237. ILLYBRIUS
But I— if either of you dies— NO! HE CAN'T DIE!
238. ORION
NO! FUCK! She can't!
239. EPIPHANY
[Let me guess: Akuma is going to martyr herself so she can
out-martyr Onion and punch Illybrius in the emotional guts even harder.]
240. ILLYBRIUS
PLEASE, THERE MUST— THERE HAS TO BE SOMETHING! WHAT'S GOING ON?
241. ORION
DAMN her soul to Hell and back for this! She's trying to lock me
out of my body.
242. EVRYN
LOL WOT?!
243. ILLYBRIUS
What? What will that accomplish?
244. ORION
She doesn't want me to go back to face my sentence.
245. ILLYBRIUS
NEITHER DO I!
246. CIN
I agree with Illybrius on this one.
247. ORION
So you would let her die in my place like she is trying to do?
248. EVRYN
I sense a Corri tantrum!
249. EPIPHANY
[ I CALLED IT!]
250. ILLYBRIUS
I do not want EITHER of you to die!
251. CIN
Hey! Any chance one of you could stay and we make a clone form
of one of your bodies?
252. ORION
THEN FUCK IT ALL! I HELPED MAHEONE MAKE HER! YOU CAN CONTROL
HER! SHE WAS YOUR GIFT FOR YOUR DAY OF EVERLAST!
253. EVRYN
Yep! Corri Tantrum! A remarkably un-subtle one.
254. ORION
MAKE HER STOP!
255. OVD
I can't. This is what I hired her
for.
256. EVRYN
It's my job. I'm Commentary!
257. EPIPHANY
[Someone remind Corri that people aren't objects!]
258.
(Brrring, brrring!)
259. EPIPHANY
...
260. SERLEINA
TEXT MESSAGE!
To Epiphany, from the Pot. Why the
fuck am I getting everyone's text messages?!
261. EPIPHANY
[ I, for one, blocked the Pot's number. They wouldn't stop
calling me.]
262. SERLEINA
You accidentally a word there. They
wouldn't stop calling you OUT.
263. CORRI
I KNOW THAT FEEL!
264. OVD
Corri, what the fuck are you doing
back here?
265. CORRI
I CAME TO THROW TANTRUMS AND CHEW BUBBLE GUM, BUT *FUCKING
DREPANON* CLEANED OUT CRAFT SERVICES! AGAIN!
266. DREPANON blows a big giant bubble of no
regrets.
267. CORRI throws herself on the floor and
starts kicking and screaming.
(possibly film this live-action, for the lulz)
268. OVD
Are you quite done yet?
269. CORRI
Yeah, I'm good. See you. I need to go buy more gum.
270. stagequit CORRI
271. ILLYBRIUS
Akuma, don't die. You either, Orion. What about Cinnamon's
suggestion of having one of you inhabit a clone form?
272. ORION
Hang on. Illybrius, say, "I accept your gift in its 'tur-est'
form. I will protect it and cherish it, for it came from your love for
me."
273. EVRYN
No. Illybrius, do NOT say that, because that is no way to talk
about another person.
274. OVD
Onion, were you paying attention?
275. ORION
Why would I do a thing like that?
276. OVD
Because tantrum is over. Stop trying
to write Illybrius's lines.
277. ILLYBRIUS
Scuse me, I think I'm semi-capable of writing my own lines. I am
a demigod, after all.
278. CIN
Oh my g— The one thing Oleander is actually good for! Hey, you
guys, hold up a minute. She can make a clone so perfect, even THEY wouldn't be
able to tell the difference.
279. ILLYBRIUS
Will it keep you from leaving, Orion?
280. ORION
Please, just do it. My sentence goes out in fifteen minutes.
281. EVRYN
Can I just say, I hate that everyone is ignoring Cinnamon's
actually rather decent suggestion, but on the other hand, I think Cinnamon is
forgetting that everything regarding Team Corri is dependent on soul magic and,
yes, no matter how good Oleander is at making a physical clone, the
executioners would still hypothetically be able to tell the difference.
282. EPIPHANY
[Because handwaves and railroading.]
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