1. TITLE
An
Unexpected Visitor, part 4
2.
SETTING
Akuma’s
room
3.
November 8, 2008
10.00 PM
4.
ILLYBRIUS
Maheone, I love it rough.
5.
EPIPHANY
[That's,
um, a line to start an episode, I suppose.]
6.
EVRYN
One of my favorite books begins with
"Maggots are my friends."
7.
EPIPHANY
[That's
a better sentence, though. Maggots are cool.]
8.
MAHEONE
Illybrius, I am sorry. I didn’t want it to be rough. I wanted you
to see that I love you.
9.
EVRYN takes a shot
10.
ILLYBRIUS
Why couldn’t you have told me that you loved me
so long ago? I always thought you despised me because I let Larlia come between
us!
11.
MAHEONE
I hurt you instead.
12.
ILLYBRIUS
Damn right, you hurt me! I thought I
repulsed you.
13.
EPIPHANY writes "POOR COMMUNICATION"
on the Plot Board under "OTHER"
14.
MAHEONE
You did, because you reminded me that
I raped you when I should have asked.
15.
EVRYN
You do know that saying it enough
times doesn't make it so, right?
16.
CORRI
SHUT UP!
17.
EVRYN
No, you!
18.
OVD
You're not supposed to
be a part of this episode, Corri! Get the fuck out!
19.
CORRI
But it's HOT!
20.
OVD
WATCH IT AT HOME, THEN!
21.
CORRI
I DON'T HAVE A HOME!
22.
EVRYN and REIYA high-five
23.
OVD
. . . Did you two
accidentally Corri's house?
24.
REIYA,
as innocently as possible
I have no idea what you mean.
25.
EVRYN
No, no we deliberately Corri's house.
Ted helped.
26.
MAHEONE
I was ashamed of myself.
27.
EVRYN
What are YOU so upset about? You're
not Ted.
28.
MAHEONE
I am so sorry. She loves you. That
was not my intent, but take care of her, please?
29.
EPIPHANY
[Because
everyone knows that Akuma is incapable of taking care of herself.]
30.
SIGYN
I thought Corri was her conservator?
Or, wait, since they live in Delaware, her guardian? Isn’t that why that one episode was
titled “Corri is the
Worst Conservator Ever”?
31.
REIYA
I thought we changed the name of that
episode to "The Birth of Tee-Hee~".
32.
EVRYN
Akuma doesn’t exist, so she doesn’t have any legal paperwork.
Therefore, Corri is not legally her guardian. Because she can’t be. Technicalities, you know.
33.
SIGYN
Don’t look at me, I’m just a glorified bureaucrat.
34.
ILLYBRIUS
The mutt misses you.
35.
SERLEINA
RUDE!
36.
MAHEONE
Tell him I send my love.
37.
ILLYBRIUS
Maheone, damn it! That is not what I
meant and you know it!
38.
MAHEONE
Illybrius, I have to go.
39.
SERLEINA
Oh, good, the laxative I put in your special brownies is taking
effect.
40.
EPIPHANY
[Translation:
Corri is too bad a writer to think of a good response to that, and is upset
that Illybrius isn't doing exactly what she wants him to.]
41.
SERLEINA
Actually, that, instead.
42.
ILLYBRIUS
Going to desert me again?
43.
MAHEONE
I wish I could stay.
44.
EPIPHANY
[Liar]
45.
ILLYBRIUS
Well, fine. Bliu needs your presence
more than I do, in any case.
46.
EPIPHANY
[
If by that you mean that he needs to take a nailbat to him more than you do,
then yes.]
47.
ILLYBRIUS
Just tell him to be nicer than
Cinnamon, if you’ve got any influence over him.
48.
EPIPHANY
[ It's pretty hard to be a nicer guy than Bliu.]
[
I mean, there's my cousin— Jirou's brother, not Jirou— but he's a kindergarten
teacher. It's kinda their job.]
49.
EVRYN
I think Maheone would be better off
as a kindergarten teacher than a character on this show.
50.
EPIPHANY
[ I think you're right.]
[But
this faker does such a piss-poor job in his place.]
51.
EVRYN
He does.
52.
EPIPHANY
[You know, I met the guy Maheone and Bliu were supposed to be
based off, and he's actually a pretty cool guy.]
[Corri
just ruins everything, with bad writing.]
53.
EVRYN
According to this background
information, this Maheone is actually—
54.
OVD
Evryn! No spoilers!
55.
EVRYN
flips through the script
Wait, who the hell is Lunestos?
56.
OVD
What did I JUST SAY?!
57.
ILLYBRIUS
I love you.
58.
EVRYN
takes a shot
59.
MAHEONE
And I will love you for always.
60.
EVRYN takes a shot
61.
ILLYBRIUS
I’d like to at least give you a goodbye kiss, as I don’t know if you’ll come back to visit.
62.
EPIPHANY
[Can
we skip the mushy part? Please?]
63.
MAHEONE
a)
Then,
please. Let this be a kiss to remember.
b)
*kisses
Illybrius*
64.
EPIPHANY
[Please?]
65.
EVRYN
At least he didn't kiss back.
66.
ILLYBRIUS
Douven, Maheone.
67.
MAHEONE
Goodbye, Illybrius. I love you.
68.
EVRYN takes a shot
69.
ILLYBRIUS
I love you, too.
70.
EVRYN takes a shot
71.
/exit MAHEONE
72.
enter DRAKE and CINNAMON
73.
CINNAMON
Akuma, you back?
74.
DRAKE
Lee.
75.
ILLYBRIUS
I am here.
76.
DRAKE
Hey. What the heel just happened?
77.
EVRYN
Because “What the Hell” is too mainstream.
78.
EPIPHANY
[Maybe
he's really into professional wrestling?]
79.
CINNAMON
You’re way better off not knowing, trust
me.
80.
DRAKE
Rose is getting better.
81.
EPIPHANY
[Translation:
Corri's attention span for that charade ran out. We're moving on to the next
one.]
82.
ILLYBRIUS
That’s good news.
83.
CINNAMON
Now go help Rose.
84.
DRAKE
She’s fine.
85.
EPIPHANY
[Translation:
SHUT UP ABOUT ROSE. She is SO last attention-seeking farce. Get with the
program.]
86.
DRAKE
Now what is going on?
87.
EPIPHANY
[Translation:
Now, tell me about the bullshit I WANT to hear you talk about.]
88.
ILLYBRIUS
Something’s wrong with Orion!
89.
EVRYN
That’s not news. As far as I’m concerned, there’s something wrong with EVERYONE on
this show.
90.
DRAKE
I’ll be right back, then.
91.
/exit DRAKE.
92.
One minute.
93.
enter DRAKE
94.
DRAKE
He’s fine. Passed out, but fine.
95.
EPIPHANY
[Taking
bets that he injected Orion with something to make him conveniently pass out?]
96.
EVRYN
Check your pockets.
97.
EPIPHANY starts checking pockets
98.
2 minutes
99.
EPIPHANY
[That
little sneak!]
100.
SIGYN
Oh. Because my guess was going to be
the old "Does this rag smell like chloroform to you?" trick.
101.
SERLEINA
WORKS
EVERY TIME!
102.
DRAKE
PEOPLE!
103.
ILLYBRIUS
Yes, there are people here.
104.
DRAKE
WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO MY SISTER?
105.
EPIPHANY,
Santa Claus scowl
[Who
the fuck cares, you fucking pickpocket?]
106.
EVRYN
Also, don't you mean "what the heel"?
107.
CINNAMON
Maheone happened.
108.
SERLEINA
Also, we had a pizza party. You missed it, because you were
late. See what happens when you don’t clock in on time?
109.
DRAKE
The Maya-Hone?
110.
EVRYN
No! It’s Ma-he-o-ne! Not “Maya-Hone.”
111.
EPIPHANY
[Seriously.
Pay attention. Your stupidity isn't cute.]
112.
CINNAMON
She’ll be fine. Where’s Akuma? Are you sure Orion isn’t in a coma?
113.
DRAKE
Wait. Akuma is passed out and kinda
glowing. And Orion is fine. Too much feeding. He’s in a state where his body needs to
organize the energy.
114.
EVRYN
D'you mean... a FOOD COMA?
115.
SEI-SEI
What's thaaaaat?
116.
EPIPHANY
[Something
that happens when people who aren't totetsus eat too much in one sitting.]
117.
SEI-SEI
I don't understand the concept of
"eat too much".
118.
EPIPHANY
[
I know.]
119.
DRAKE
But that would explain why her hair
was brown and her eyes silver when I came in.
120.
EVRYN
So she took off her wig, then? Well, that
makes sense, since it was technically her lunch break.
121.
EPIPHANY
[
I thought they said the gold wasn't going to come out of her eyes.]
122.
EVRYN
Her eyes have always kinda looked...
uh... blue or brown or hazel, depending on which, er, contacts she was wearing
that day.
123.
CORRI
Akuma doesn't wear contacts, her eyes
just NATURALLY change color!
124.
SERLEINA
Either way, can we punch Corri in the face for ripping off Maheone’s character
design for Akuma? That’s how my old kindergarten teacher handled lazy writing.
125.
REIYA
Corri Face Punch! Corri Face Punch!
126.
EVRYN
Serleina, were you homeschooled, by
any chance?
127.
SERLEINA
How did you guess?
128.
EVRYN
Just a hunch.
129.
REIYA
Corri Face Punch!
130.
OVD
Ladies, the makeup
department would kill me if I allowed anyone to give Corri the face-punching
her derivative writing so richly deserves, and we’re on too tight a
deadline to allot the extra twelve hours she would need to spend in makeup to
cover all that up.
131.
EVRYN
It doesn’t take twelve hours to cover up
bruises with makeup.
132.
OVD
No, that only takes
about fifteen minutes. The other eleven hours and forty-five minutes are spent
making Corri look halfway presentable every time she has to appear on this
show. For the sake of my own retinas, I’d have the makeup
department try for “fully presentable” if I didn’t want to be sued for
giving them carpal tunnel syndrome.
133.
EVRYN
Disembodied voices have retinas?
134.
OVD
Really? That’s all you got from my
well-crafted and elaborate insult? I am so disappointed in you.
135.
ILLYBRIUS
They will be alright?
136.
EPIPHANY
[
I'm sure the makeup artists are well-versed in avoiding repetitive motion
injuries]
137.
DRAKE
Well, Orion will. This will happen
when he eats too much—
138.
REIYA
That makes no fucking sense. Last I
checked, going into a coma is NOT a great calorie-burner.
139.
EVRYN
Remember, Orion feeds off of sex. Not
pizza, like a normal person.
140.
REIYA
There is no reason that magical sex
calories should be burned any differently from real calories.
141.
EVRYN
But it's a magical sex food coma!
...you're right, that does make no fucking sense.
142.
SERLEINA
Also, he did eat the pizza. Like, seven and a half slices.
143.
EPIPHANY
[How
big was that fucking pizza?!]
144.
SERLEINA
BIGGER
THAN YO… um… ORION’S DEAD MOTHER!
145.
ORION
She DIED?! AGAIN?! Aw man, this is so
unfair! Why does everything have to happen to ME?
146.
SERLEINA
You mean why did it happen to YOUR MOM!
147.
ORION
Please, this is not the time for
jokes.
148.
DRAKE
—but Akuma—
149.
ORION
Except her, but that’s beside the point.
150.
OVD
I can't believe we lost
an audience member... Now we're back down to three.
151.
MARIE
There, there, OVD. Would you like
some tea?
152.
DRAKE
I don’t know.
153.
MARIE
I wasn't offering it to YOU.
154.
DRAKE
Her eyes are open, but blank.
155.
EPIPHANY
[What
does that mean? Her irises disappeared? Did you check to see that they’re not just rolled back into her
head?]
156.
OVD
She’s off her lunch break. She’s not allowed to roll
her eyes.
157.
SERLEINA
Why, would some rich douchebag spank her for it?
158.
EVRYN
You’re not allowed to read bad Twilight
fanfic anymore.
159.
SERLEINA
I
DO WHAT I WANT!
160.
ILLYBRIUS
She will be fine.
161.
EPIPHANY
[Seriously.
Why are you even trying to make us worry? We all know she's going to bounce
back as soon as Corri's done wringing the last drop of angst out of it]
162.
DRAKE
I hope so. Hang on. She’s waking. There. She’s up. You wanna talk to her? She’s dizzy.
163.
ILLYBRIUS
Miss Akuma, how do you feel?
164.
AKUMA
Dizzy. My head and chest hurt. Hard
to breathe. I don’t… what happened?
Are you okay? And Orion too?
165.
ILLYBRIUS
Orion passed out.
166.
SERLEINA
No, he didn’t! He was very clearly here a second ago whinging about how
everything happens to him because of his dead mom who invented abortions
because of him!
167.
EPIPHANY,
ignoring Serleina
[He “passed
out” because Drake shot
him up with a double-dose of what might or might not be a controlled substance.
Not because of any proper plot-related reason.]
[Actually,
now that I think about it, he might be dead.]
168.
EVRYN
Yay!
169.
OVD
He's not dead.
170.
EVRYN
Aww.
171.
SERLEINA
Are you kidding? Do you not remember what just happened?
172.
EPIPHANY
[He's
currently eating Cheetos backstage and getting orange dust all over the couch,
isn't he?]
173.
OVD
Doritos, but good call.
174.
SERLEINA
Oh, come on!
175.
REIYA
How does— He’s not THAT fast!
176.
SERLEINA
I’m only guessing here, but YOU WOULD KNOW~
177.
SIGYN raises her hand.
178.
SERLEINA
NOPE.
179.
SERLEINA nopes down the Hall of Nope, past the
Doll of Nope, karate punches the Door of Nope, kicks the Altar of Nope down,
and keeps on noping.
180.
AKUMA
And you?
181.
enter SERLEINA, providing her own sound effect
182.
SERLEINA,
carrying the Doll of Nope
That’s for me to know and you to never, ever, ever find out. EVER.
183.
OVD
Did you just teleport
back?!
184.
SERLEINA
Dolly here helped me. The Bird of Nope didn't like it when I
kicked over the altar.
185.
ILLYBRIUS
I will be fine when I know you are
fine.
186.
AKUMA
I don’t know. I felt… it was weird.
187.
CINNAMON
Bliu was here— I mean, Maheone was
here. He said something about the last step in the transformation.
188.
AKUMA
That was real?
189.
EPIPHANY
[No.
He was a faking faker who fakes.]
190.
EVRYN
What do you mean, "was"?
191.
EPIPHANY
[He was is a faking faker who fakes.]
[Sorry.
Forgot to take ontological inertia into account.]
192.
OVD
Or you were just
keeping consistent tenses with what Akuma said.
193.
EPIPHANY
[ONTOLOGICAL
INERTIA]
194.
AKUMA
No… but…
195.
ILLYBRIUS
Please calm down, Miss Akuma.
196.
AKUMA
But he… I no… why? Impare?
197.
EPIPHANY
[COMPLETE SENTENCES.]
[
It is not hard to speak in them.]
198.
EVRYN
For example, I hate your face, Akuma.
Please die.
199.
CINNAMON
It’s alright. You’ll be okay. He stayed to look after you and make sure
nothing bad happened while you were undergoing whatever it was.
200.
AKUMA
He’s not gone…
201.
ILLYBRIUS
He said he had to go.
202.
EVRYN,
reading script
And then he left the scene. Here, you
can read the script if you don’t believe me.
203.
AKUMA
Then why do I feel him holding me?
Lee, I’m scared.
204.
EVRYN
You should be. You’re having tactile hallucinations.
205.
EPIPHANY
[
I didn't do it.]
206.
EVRYN
Why would you? That sounds like a
waste of time.
207.
EPIPHANY
[Exactly.
Just saying, though.]
208.
OVD
Epiphany, how many
hallucinogens do you have in your pockets right now?
209.
EPIPHANY
[Only
three that I'll admit to.]
210.
EVRYN
Yeah, but she wouldn't use them to
cause cheap drama on this show.
211.
EPIPHANY
[There's
enough of that as it is.]
212.
EVRYN
Exactly.
213.
AKUMA
Why did he have to…
214.
ILLYBRIUS
I don’t know. He’s probably holding you to
get you to calm down a bit, or to reassure you.
215.
EVRYN
And you think this despite the fact
that Akuma is currently onstage and Maheone is not?
216.
enter MAHEONE
217.
EVRYN
Well, he is now, I suppose.
218.
AKUMA
He was my Impare. Why did he… he said… it… he lied to me… why…
219.
ILLYBRIUS
I don’t know! I don’t have the answers to anything right
now! He lied to me too when he said he was leaving just now!
220.
MAHEONE starts doing jumping jacks.
221.
AKUMA
I can’t… no… let go…
222.
EVRYN
He’s not touching you.
223.
AKUMA
Stop… please leave, don’t touch me—
224.
EVRYN
Once again, He’s not touching you.
225.
EPIPHANY
waves her hand annoyingly close to Akuma's face
[
I am also not touching you.]
226.
EVRYN
holds out finger an inch away from Akuma's shoulder
I am also not touching you.
227.
AKUMA,
whinily
Directooooorrrrrr!
228.
OVD
I'm not touching you
either. Stop whining at me.
229.
AKUMA
I’m not a gift—
230.
EVRYN
So that’s why I couldn’t find the receipt.
231.
EPIPHANY
[Who'd want her anyway?]
[
I mean, it'd be kinda like regifting a Christmas fruitcake that's been making
the rounds since three Christmases ago.]
232.
EVRYN
Akuma is TOTALLY a Christmas Cake!
233.
EPIPHANY snickers
234.
AKUMA
Please stop.
235.
EVRYN
Can’t. It’s our job. We're Commentary.
236.
EPIPHANY
[We're
here to make up for how stupid and boring you are.]
237.
AKUMA
No.
238.
EVRYN
Yes. We really are.
239.
AKUMA
I don’t, please, just leave—
240.
EVRYN
Once again, we can’t. We have to be on set.
241.
AKUMA
I don’t care—
242.
EVRYN
Too bad. We have to listen to your
shit no one cares about.
243.
AKUMA
I don’t—
244.
EVRYN
TOO FUCKING BAD!
245.
EPIPHANY
[Seriously.
Shut up already.]
246.
ILLYBRIUS
Maheone, whatever you are doing, STOP
IT!
247.
EVRYN
He’s doing star jumps, you halfwit.
248.
MAHEONE
Illybrius, I need to finish. Please.
249.
EVRYN
Yes, workout routines are very important.
250.
ILLYBRIUS
Stop it. You are frightening her.
251.
EVRYN
By doing star jumps?
252.
MAHEONE
It has to be done.
253.
EPIPHANY
[Even
though he's a faking faker who fakes, I respect his dedication to remaining
physically fit.]
254.
MAHEONE
I've got an audition for a much
better gig in about half an hour. I want to look good for it.
255.
EPIPHANY
[Good
luck.]
256.
ILLYBRIUS
You know better.
257.
EVRYN
Dude, the only workout you ever get
is in the sack, so don’t please.
258.
ILLYBRIUS
Sedate her first.
259.
EVRYN
Yes, do that!
260.
MAHEONE
I can’t. She has to be awake for this.
261.
EVRYN
For watching you do star jumps?
262.
ILLYBRIUS
There is no need to terrorise her!
263.
EVRYN
Oh, I get it! Star jumps are
triggering for her!
264.
EPIPHANY
[
It's times like this that I really hate rigour mortis.]
265.
EVRYN starts doing st—jumping jacks. We are in
America, Evryn, get it together.
266.
ILLYBRIUS
Hasn’t she been through enough?
267.
EVRYN
No.
268.
EPIPHANY
[Never.]
269.
MAHEONE stops doing jumping jacks and starts
doing trunk twists.
270.
ILLYBRIUS
Maheone!
271.
MAHEONE
What, Illybrius?
272.
ILLYBRIUS
What are you doing—
273.
EVRYN
They’re called trunk twists.
274.
ILLYBRIUS
—and why?
275.
MAHEONE
I am finishing my last gift to you.
276.
EVRYN
With an exercise routine that’s secretly a Satanic ritual?
277.
EPIPHANY
[With
well-toned core and abdominal muscles?]
278.
OVD
Those creative
Satanists.
279.
ILLYBRIUS
STOP! I DO NOT WANT HER AS A GIFT!
DON’T YOU SEE, SHE
IS MORE TO ME THAN THAT!
280.
EVRYN
Plus, you forgot the receipt and no
store would ever take her back, ever.
281.
ILLYBRIUS
Right now, she needs energy. Rose is
dying.
282.
EPIPHANY
[Didn't
you get the memo? Corri dropped that thread.]
283.
ILLYBRIUS
Help her that way, but stop toying
with her!
284.
MAHEONE
I fixed the child.
285.
EVRYN
Do you have a license to do that?
286.
EPIPHANY
[She's
Orion's spawn. Better to chlorinate the gene pool now before he can do any
further damage.]
287.
OVD
Epiphany, you may not
advocate the sterilisation of your coworkers.
288.
EPIPHANY
[
I didn't even threaten anyone yet!]
289.
OVD
You were going to.
290.
EPIPHANY
[
I neither confirm nor deny that]
291.
EVRYN
Come on, OVD, lighten up. She didn't
even have her scalpel out.
292.
MAHEONE
She is safe.
293.
EPIPHANY
[You
obviously don't know me very well.]
294.
MAHEONE
I don't think I want to.
295.
EVRYN
Sorry, I lost you right after "I
don't think."
296.
ILLYBRIUS
YOU’RE KILLING MISS AKUMA! PLEASE STOP!
297.
EPIPHANY
[
If you stop, the scalpel WILL come out.]
298.
MAHEONE
She is not dying, but it does hurt. I’m sorry.
299.
ILLYBRIUS
If you’re sorry, stop. Take it back. She doesn’t want to be a gift and I don’t want her as a gift.
300.
EVRYN
No one wants her. Ever.
301.
ILLYBRIUS
I value her as a person.
302.
EVRYN
Are you high? Like, on your mother's
weed?
303.
ILLYBRIUS
What you are doing is the same thing Cinnamon’s incarnate tried to do to Lenore. It’s the reason they broke up!
304.
EVRYN
Well, yeah. That’s why Corri wrote him that way.
305.
ILLYBRIUS
Maheone, Corri is fearing for Akuma’s life and so am I.
306.
EPIPHANY
[Why
are you letting her trick you?]
307.
MAHEONE
She will live, Illy.
308.
ILLYBRIUS
I don’t want this gift.
309.
EPIPHANY
[Do
you think Corri is going to care this time, even though she didn't any of the
other times you said that?]
310.
EVRYN
Well, she could at least exchange
Akuma for some cold, hard cash. Though she's not really worth anything, so
that's a bust.
311.
MAHEONE
Corri…
312.
EVRYN
Is pure evil and ought to be burned
at the stake for writing this shit.
313.
OVD
To be fair, she's
probably not that bad in real life. She's just a horrible writer.
314.
EVRYN
...yes, but also, I'm fifteen. I can
say things like that.
315.
MAHEONE
She doesn’t fear gods—
316.
EVRYN
Her existence has made me curse them.
317.
MAHEONE
—but certainly doesn’t have the power she needs to fight
one.
318.
EPIPHANY,
deadpan
[This
is my caring face.]
319.
EVRYN
According to the Celestia world
guidebook, Maheone was never this pretentious.
320.
ILLYBRIUS
Don’t fight her, please.
321.
MAHEONE
I didn’t. Just knocked her out. She’ll be fine.
322.
EVRYN
I’ve heard that before.
323.
EPIPHANY
[Why
was that even necessary?]
324.
EVRYN
My comment or his?
325.
EPIPHANY
[Knocking out Corri.]
[
It's not only completely overused, but also apparently being used for
absolutely no reason]
326.
EVRYN
Wait, you're complaining about Corri
being unconscious?
327.
EPIPHANY
[.
. . Technically, I'm complaining that he brought Corri up out of the blue just
to then declare that he only knocked her out, adding absolutely nothing of
value to the scene.]
328.
EVRYN
That makes MUCH more sense.
329.
EPIPHANY
[Additionally,
I object to using the word "just" in relation to knocking someone
unconscious. Unless there is a trained anaesthesiologist involved, losing
consciousness is a VERY BAD AND DANGEROUS THING]
330.
EVRYN
Unless we're talking about Corri.
Anyway, I think he meant he "just" knocked her out as in, "just
now before coming onstage again."
331.
ILLYBRIUS
Maheone, you’re the one that I want. I never asked
for a pet.
332.
EPIPHANY zaps Illybrius
333.
ILLYBRIUS
Hey!
334.
EPIPHANY
[Sorry.
Pavlov.]
335.
ILLYBRIUS
... I should go back in time and kill
that bastard.
336.
EVRYN
He didn't INVENT the— oh, forget it.
337.
ILLYBRIUS
I hate animals. You know that.
338.
EVRYN
Yes, that's why you have Usagi
around, and your best friend is the god of animals and fertility, which
generally leads to more animals.
339.
ILLYBRIUS
If you wanted to marry me, you might
have done so. I don’t need gifts. I—
340.
MAHEONE
She is not a pet.
341.
EPIPHANY zaps MAHEONE
342.
EVRYN
She’s totally a pet!
343.
EPIPHANY zaps Evryn
344.
EVRYN
It was worth it.
345.
MAHEONE
She is a gift. A friend and companion,
a fellow warrior for you.
346.
EPIPHANY
[ I call into question her alleged status as a
"warrior".]
[Unless
"warrior" means "perpetual victim" in your stupid bullshit
language]
347.
EVRYN
Let me get out my Corri Sue to
English dictionary— yes, yes it does.
348.
REIYA
Oh, right, Epi missed the Barrel
Roll!
349.
EPIPHANY
[What.]
350.
REIYA
Akuma did a barrel roll during a
lights-out scene between Illybrius and Onion!
351.
EPIPHANY
[ I]
[WHAT?]
352.
REIYA
—
353.
EPIPHANY
[Actually,
no, I don't want context. Context will only make it worse.]
354.
SERLEINA
I was there, Doc. It was funny.
355.
EPIPHANY
[Oh,
okay. Then you may tell me about it.]
356.
REIYA
Okay, so—
357.
EPIPHANY
[SERLEINA.]
358.
SERLEINA
Yes, so we didn't want to pay attention to the actual sex scene
so we started singing random shit instead, and I did a parody of Akon's Smack
That, and apparently it triggered Akuma's military training, and she did a
barrel roll right into the set! Bill the Camera Guy is still on crutches!
359.
EPIPHANY,
laughing
[You're
right, that IS funny!]
360.
SERLEINA
Yeah, apparently she trained under Uncle Drepanon or something,
I don't know. That dude's weird.
361.
ILLYBRIUS
Tell her that she’s not a pet.
362.
MAHEONE
She knows.
363.
ILLYBRIUS
She was disgusted by herself when she
found out. I appreciate that you were thinking of me, but you’re really fucked up.
364.
MAHEONE
The fault is mine.
365.
EVRYN
Obviously.
366.
EPIPHANY
[And
it's not even just because nothing can ever be Akuma's fault this time.]
367.
MAHEONE
I should have told her when she was
younger.
368.
EVRYN
Fake Maheone, you ARE the weakest
link!
369.
ILLYBRIUS
I mean, that night.
370.
MAHEONE
You will never forgive me now, will
you, old comrade?
371.
EPIPHANY
[You
were never his comrade in anything, faker.]
372.
ILLYBRIUS
You should have let me keep that
memory. When I found out about it, I… I love you.
373.
EVRYN
takes a shot
There is nothing lovable about this
person.
374.
EPIPHANY
[
Illybrius is a terrible judge of character.]
375.
TOKIOMI
I don’t know what you mean. He seems pretty
nice to me.
376.
EVRYN,
O_O
377.
SIGYN
Ignore him. I always do.
378.
EVRYN
Right, then.
379.
MAHEONE
And I love you as well.
380.
EVRYN takes a shot
381.
MAHEONE
I see that she told you what I did to
you.
382.
EPIPHANY
[You
also said it a bunch of times.]
383.
ILLYBRIUS
No, but I saw a tape that explained
everything. I came twice watching it.
384.
EVRYN
It’s reassuring to know that I’m not the only rape fetishist on this
show.
385.
EPIPHANY
[.
. . Am I the only one on the set who isn't?]
386.
EVRYN
looks around
That's a distinct possibility.
387.
enter MARIE, in that snazzy purple suit!
388.
MARIE
Just got back from a tea run, what
did I miss?
389.
EPIPHANY'S CHAIR walks over to Marie.
390.
EPIPHANY
[
I feel safer over here.]
391.
MARIE
Uh— okay.
392.
TOKIOMI
You don't want to know what you
missed.
393.
MARIE,
cheerfully
Okay!
394.
ILLYBRIUS
What you have done to Akuma… it’s not good that you made a person a “gift.” What you did to my memory— how could you?
395.
EPIPHANY
[Please
look at the Plot Board.]
396.
MARIE starts to—
397.
EPIPHANY
[No, not you! Please don't look at the Plot Board.]
[You
don't want to know!]
398.
MARIE
Oh, okay!
399.
ILLYBRIUS
What plot board?
400.
EPIPHANY points.
401.
ILLYBRIUS looks around wildly
402.
EPIPHANY
[.
. . Is it on the wrong side of the fourth wall or something?]
403.
ILLYBRIUS
What fourth wall?
404.
EPIPHANY lifts up her glasses and facepalms
405.
MAHEONE
Illybrius, do you want me to put her
back to her original self?
406.
EPIPHANY
[There is absolutely nothing original about her.]
[Never
was, never will be]
407.
SERLEINA
♪
NEVER WAS AND NEVER WILL BE! YOU’RE
NOT REAL AND YOU CAN’T
SEE ME!♪
408.
MARIE
I love that song.
409.
ILLYBRIUS
I want you to do whatever you think
will most benefit Akuma. Not me, and not you. Understood?
410.
MAHEONE
This isn’t about her. It’s about you.
411.
ILLYBRIUS
YES, IT BLOODY WELL IS ABOUT HER! It’s HER body you’re tampering with!
412.
EPIPHANY goes and makes a new category on the
plot board, "AVOIDANCE OF CORRI'S TURNOFFS", and then writes under it
"BODILY AUTONOMY"
413.
CINNAMON
Wait! Akuma loves her wings. You can’t take them away from her— I mean—
414.
EPIPHANY
[What the fuck do her wings have to do with anything?]
[Other than being something sporadically brought up to threaten
Akuma with mutilation that would conveniently not mar her unbeauty, for all of
the angst and none of the practical consequences]
[For example, were a bipedal humanoid with wings of any
significant mass to actually get their wings amputated, I would expect to see
them losing their balance a lot because they're used to having to lean forward
to counterbalance the weight of their wings.]
[Kind
of like what happens if you try to ice skate with a very upright posture, but
in reverse]
415.
EVRYN
Her wings are a part of her
"new" form, as in, "after Poser!Maheone." By threatening
to return her to her original form, he's actually threatening to take away her
wings.
416.
EPIPHANY
[Oh boo-hoo.]
[
If she's spent the last stupid-thousand years groundbound, she can spend the
next stupid-thousand years that way, too.]
417.
EVRYN
She was a baby when Poser!Maheone
allegedly gave her, her wings, so she wasn't even stupid-thousand years old
yet. More like stupid-hundred days?
418.
EPIPHANY
[Oh. Well, that's slightly different.]
[But
wasn't something or other threatening her wings sometime near the start of the
series?]
419.
EVRYN
Yeah, Caleb. He actually ripped them
off and Lee had to hit on a warlock to get the spell to get them to regenerate.
But sadly, or happily, depending on how you look at it, we lost the script for
that episode.
420.
EPIPHANY
[Can
we please just get rid of them so she'll have one less thing to be randomly in
peril about?]
421.
EVRYN
Well, then we'll have to hear her
wangsting about the loss of her wings every chance she gets.
422.
MAHEONE
If that is what Illybrius wants, then
I will take back her wings as well.
423.
EPIPHANY
[You've
been doing a good job insisting up down and sideways that you only care about
what Illybrius wants, but then you turn back around and completely ignore his
wishes when they aren't what you want to hear.]
424.
ILLYBRIUS
Maheone, I want—I want you to let Akuma recover and
ask HER what SHE wants. That is what I want.
425.
MAHEONE
Illybrius, you are the only reason
she is alive. As long as you live, so will she.
426.
EPIPHANY
[That is in no way an actual response to what he said.]
[
If you bend over backwards any more trying to avoid the issue, I'm going to
have to declare a limbo contest.]
427.
EPIPHANY
*pouts*
[Do you really want to make me walk all the way to the prop
department, get the limbo set, and walk all the way back?]
[Corpses
like me have a lot of mobility problems, you know.]
428.
EVRYN
Wait, can't your chair just—
429.
EPIPHANY
[And
there's stairs. The elevator doesn't go up that high.]
430.
OVD
Epiphany, the elevator
works just fine.
431.
EPIPHANY
[Not
anymore it doesn't.]
432.
OVD
. . . You don't get
unsupervised break time before shooting starts anymore. And that elevator's
repair bill's coming out of your next paycheck.
433.
META,
offstage
CAN SOMEBODY HELP ME? I'M STUCK IN
THE ELEVATOR! AND IT BUUUURRRRNNNNNNSSSS!
434.
OVD
Suddenly, I seem to be
having extreme auditory hallucinations!
435.
EPIPHANY
[ I take no credit for those.]
[My
hallucinogens are still all in my pockets.]
436.
SIGYN
I'm going to investigate.
437.
EVRYN
Getting back on topic, Illybrius
keeps Akuma alive, and if Akuma dies, then Corri dies. Say, OVD, when does Illybrius’s contract run out?
438.
OVD
January.
439.
EVRYN
Splendid!
440.
OVD
Of 2010.
441.
EVRYN
Fuck my life.
442.
ILLYBRIUS
I have told you what I want. Also, a
night warming your bed isn’t something I would turn down.
443.
EVRYN
flips through script
Please tell me there’s no lights-out scene in this
episode.
444.
OVD
There’s no lights-out scene
in this episode.
445.
EVRYN
Thank the gods.
446.
MAHEONE
How was I supposed to know, Illybrius?
You never said anything.
447.
EPIPHANY
[He said a lot.]
[Or,
at least, said it a lot of times.]
448.
EVRYN
And what he did say, you didn’t quite listen to.
449.
EPIPHANY
[At
all.]
450.
MAHEONE
Instead— My gift is screaming for
you.
451.
EVRYN
Please stop being a creeper. You’re insulting the real Maheone.
452.
/exit MAHEONE
453.
enter AKUMA
454.
EPIPHANY
[Do they really need to switch off like that?]
[This
isn't a relay race. . . I think.]
455.
EVRYN
Well, he was doing Satanic trunk
twists earlier.
456.
EPIPHANY
[OVD,
Faker!Maheone is trying to doom us all with his healthy lifestyle.]
457.
OVD
What do you want me to
do about it?
458.
EPIPHANY
[
I don't know. That was possibly the most ridiculous line I've ever not uttered
on this show.]
459.
ILLYBRIUS
Miss Akuma, how are you?
460.
AKUMA
Irubura, make him stop. Please…
461.
EVRYN
Can I lock her in the
elevator, too?
462.
OVD
You'll have to get the—
463.
*SPLOOSH*
464.
EVRYN,
with her hands and feet on the wall
The floor is Razzlewater.
465.
OVD
Anach—
466.
EVRYN
NO, YOU DUNCE! IT'S ACTUALLY FLOODED
WITH RAZZLEWATER RIGHT NOW!
467.
SERLEINA jumps up, takes wolf form, and also
sticks to the wall!
468.
SERLEINA barks.
469.
FLUOU
[You
know, on the off-chance that she's genetically allergic to it.]
470.
ILLYBRIUS
Do you want to return to your
original form?
471.
SERLEINA growls!!!
472.
EPIPHANY
[ I think she means, "not now".]
[Only
more vehemently than that.]
473.
AKUMA
I’m happy now. Please, Lee, make him stop. I… scared… Lee…
474.
EPIPHANY,
with glittery water up to her knees
[COMPLETE SENTENCES]
[DON'T
MAKE ME PUT THAT ON THE PLOT BOARD.]
475.
ILLYBRIUS,
notably not having an allergic reaction
Akuma, please answer me. Do you want
to return to your original form, without wings?
476.
Akuma flies away (/ragequit)
477.
EVRYN
I mean, that's a good answer.
478.
enter MAHEONE
479.
MAHEONE
She can’t hear you, Illybrius. She’s crying too hard.
480.
EPIPHANY
[She also, you know, just randomly flew back offstage while he
was in the middle of talking to her.]
[That
was really rude of her.]
481.
AKUMA,
offstage
MY FEET ARE BURNING!
482.
EVRYN
Yeah, but you don't have to be RUDE
about it!
483.
AKUMA,
offstage
*fart noise, followed by Akuma
noise!*
484.
ILLYBRIUS
Then. Make. Her. Stop.
485.
MAHEONE
I will make things right between us,
Illybrius.
486.
EPIPHANY
[Bullshit.]
487.
ILLYBRIUS
Maheone, I am telling you how to make
things right between us.
488.
MAHEONE
You don’t want your gift, so I will fix
things by getting rid of it. I created it and I will destroy it.
489.
EPIPHANY
[That's not how presents work!]
[And it's not even what he said!]
[
I don't even like him, but I'm getting pissed off at you putting words in his
mouth]
490.
EVRYN
You are the WORST Secret Santa EVER!
491.
EPIPHANY
[Seriously.]
[Just
kill Akuma, STOP TALKING, and GO AWAY!]
492.
ILLYBRIUS
No! You mustn’t destroy her!
493.
OVD
Don’t do it! Her contract doesn’t run out until—
494.
EVRYN
SHUT THE FUCK UP AND LET THE CUNT
DIE!
495.
LENA
SEXIST!
496.
EVRYN
SHOVE IT UP YOUR BUNGHOLE!
497.
ILLYBRIUS
She is a person, do you understand?
498.
MAHEONE
She was a gift, Illybrius. Nothing more.
499.
ILLYBRIUS
She is more to me. Maheone, if you
kill her— if you destroy her— if you do anything other than let her recover—
ORION’S COMING TO KILL
YOU!
500.
EPIPHANY
[.
. . Why can't YOU kill him?]
501.
EVRYN
and OVD
His contract.
502.
MAHEONE
There. He can’t hurt anyone.
503.
ILLYBRIUS
NO! ORION! Why? Why are you hurting
the people I love?
504.
MAHEONE
Relax. He’s sleeping.
505.
EPIPHANY rolls eyes, goes to plot board, writes
"RANDOM BOUTS OF UNCONSCIOUSNESS" under "OTHER"
506.
ILLYBRIUS
But he just woke up and I wanted to
talk to him!
507.
MAHEONE
He will wake up as soon as I am done.
508.
ILLYBRIUS
Please don’t destroy Akuma.
509.
MAHEONE
Illybrius.
510.
ILLYBRIUS
Maheone, please don’t destroy Akuma. She is my friend.
511.
EPIPHANY
[While
the why of it is utterly baffling, THIS IS NOT A DIFFICULT CONCEPT.]
512.
MAHEONE
You have changed.
513.
ILLYBRIUS
Yes, I have. I have lived on Earth
for months. I love you so much.
514.
EVRYN takes a shot
515.
ILLYBRIUS
I can’t bear to see what you’re doing to these innocent people! You’ve changed too! You never used to
hurt anybody! The Maheone I know is a strong believer in the free will of
others and would never toy with peoples’ lives the way you’re doing with Akuma.
516.
EPIPHANY
[ It's almost like this ISN'T MAHEONE!]
[Like
he's a COMPLETELY DIFFERENT PERSON]
517.
MAHEONE
Very well.
518.
ILLYBRIUS
You say you raped me. I know. But you
hurt me worse by forcing me to forget. By acting as if you hated me, you—
519.
MAHEONE
The Goddesses’ Protection. That is the spell I
used. She can undo it for you.
520.
SUDDENLY, A SIGYN!
521.
SIGYN casually waterboards Maheone.
522.
SERLEINA barks.
523.
FLUOU
[Translation:
R E J O I C E !]
[You've
made an excellent choice!]
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