1. TITLE
2.
An Unexpected Visitor, part 5
NOTES
If we can’t
come up with something for Epi’s sign, just have something obscured in
Nightmare Text or blue crayon on the sprite. The audience can guess what’s
being reacted to.
3.
SETTING
Akuma’s
room; the floor is Razzlewater.
4.
November 8, 2008
5.
[11.00 PM]
6.
*Serleina is sitting in a lawn chair by Marie's
Sim House, with her feet up.
7.
Evryn has given up on not having glittery
toesies.
8.
Akuma is, inexplicably, wearing platform high
heels.
9.
SIGYN drags a dolly with Meta's rash-covered
body across the set.
10.
EPIPHANY giggles.
11.
SIGYN menaces her with Faithe-Bow'n.
12.
EPIPHANY
[OVD,
she's menacing me!]
13.
OVD
You're a menace, Epiphany.
Remember, you helped with the elevator situation in the first place.
14.
EPIPHANY
[I
don't know what you're talking about]
15.
SIGYN
...Are you one of those people who
gets overly-educated and then becomes a COMPLETE FUCKING IDIOT?! If YOU hadn't —
16.
EPIPHANY
[No,
I just don't want there to be consequences for my actions.]
17.
EPIPHANY now has several arrows through her
head.
18.
EPIPHANY
[*the
bird*]
19.
EPIPHANY now also has an arrow through both hands.
Yes, the same arrow.
20.
EVRYN removes that particular arrow. She,
Fluou, and Epiphany work on pulling the rest out through the next two lines.
21.
ILLYBRIUS
My mother already undid it. She’d known for years but didn’t say anything, of course she didn’t say anything, and she undid it
after I found out. Please, let Akuma live. Give her the form SHE wants. Then
revive Orion and Corri. Wipe their memories of this incident. Take me to bed.
Then I will forgive you.
22.
EVRYN
One of these things just doesn’t belong here~
23.
EPIPHANY
[ It IS getting pretty damn late.]
[And
let me tell you, I would rather be back home with my babies right now than
listen to you two talk past each other all night.]
24.
EVRYN
And by "babies," you
mean...
25.
EPIPHANY
[I
mean my goldfish]
26.
EVRYN
Sounds adorable.
27.
MAHEONE
I have never seen you like this. It’s like… you love them both, don’t you?
28.
EPIPHANY
[NO FRICKING DUH.]
[He's
only said it half a dozen times]
29.
EVRYN
Why is Fake!Maheone treating this
like polyamoury is SUDDENLY a new concept?
30.
SIGYN
I'm actually really glad that Meta's
unconscious right now.
31.
EPIPHANY
[We all are.]
[You're
welcome.]
32.
SIGYN sticks her tongue out.
33.
ILLYBRIUS
I do, but it does not diminish my
love for you. The twenty-one years that you have been gone have been pure hell
for me. It only got better when I found out how you’d really felt.
34.
MAHEONE
You can keep them. I take my leave of
you. But I will check on her every once in a while. I’m so sorry, Illybrius. I never meant
to hurt you this much.
35.
EPIPHANY
[Bullshit.]
[Just. . . just go away.]
36.
MARIE
Maybe he meant to hurt him more!
37.
EVRYN
Oh jeez….
38.
MAHEONE
Goodbye, my love.
39.
ILLYBRIUS
No! Maheone, don’t you understand? I love you—
40.
EVRYN takes a shot
41.
ILLYBRIUS
—and I want you by my side! You are
so misguided. I have told you how we might be well again, but you ignore me and
leave! You’re turning your
back on me, just like always! Will you please just do as I have asked?
42.
MARIE
Seriously. Haven’t they been having
this circular argument for hours?
43.
EVRYN
Bold of you to assume I’ve been
paying that much attention.
44.
MAHEONE
Your mother can fix her after I
leave.
45.
EVRYN
Well, somebody ought to.
46.
MAHEONE
No one else can undo what I just did.
I love you.
47.
EVRYN takes a shot
48.
MAHEONE
Goodbye.
49.
ILLYBRIUS
Don’t go! Maheone, my Maheone. Please,
please stay with me.
50.
EPIPHANY
[Why would you want the faker to stay?]
[His ears are too stuffed full of stupid to hear a damn thing
you say.]
[
It's like talking to a brick wall with an agenda]
51.
EVRYN
Man, I hate doing that. They always
backsass.
52.
/exit MAHEONE
53.
enter ORION
54.
EPIPHANY
[Speaking
of brick walls with an agenda….]
55.
ORION's wings are out and he's hovering
slightly off the floor.
56.
ORION
It’s me, Orion. Lee, you need to help her! Whatever he
did, I can’t fix!
57.
EPIPHANY
[Yes he just went over this.]
[How
about you go away, too?]
58.
EVRYN
Also, please GET fixed. We don't want
another Rose situation.
59.
ILLYBRIUS
Orion, I’m in no state to help anybody! I want
Maheone back now.
60.
ORION
She’s bleeding from the ears and nose!
61.
EPIPHANY
[Translation:
No! Bad dog! Get back on the rails!]
62.
SERLEINA turns into a wolf, scoots her chair
forward, and bites Orion's ankle.
63.
MARIE
Yeah, so how ‘bout that ebola?
64.
EPIPHANY
[It’s probably some form of sparklyspeshul hemorrhagic fever.]
[Because
Enjeruz ‘R’ Diffint.]
65.
ILLYBRIUS
The first I’ve heard from him in 21 years!
66.
ORION
Fine. I’ll be back in a few weeks with her.
67.
EPIPHANY
[Translation:
I hate you for not letting me drag you around by the nose. Stomp stomp whine
whine.]
68.
SERLEINA bites Orion again.
69.
ILLYBRIUS
Weeks? Orion, my mother can help her.
70.
EPIPHANY
[What,
did you think Corri would offer a solution that doesn't involve her characters and
let you use it?]
71.
ILLYBRIUS
Well, yes.
72.
USAGI
You right git.
73.
ILLYBRIUS
Usagi, please. This is not the time.
74.
USAGI
WHEN IS THE RIGHT TIME?
75.
EPIPHANY
[Never.]
76.
ORION,
with shaky lines
I’m still her, but she is shaking and I can’t stop it!
77.
EPIPHANY
[Did
he just admit that he and Akuma are the same idiot?]
78.
ORION
HERE!
79.
EVRYN
We’re not doing Emo Roll Call, Onion, you don’t need to announce your presence.
80.
ILLYBRIUS
Not now, Usagi. Orion, got to Purity,
the topaz palace in which my mother resides. Take Akuma. My mother will help
her. I want to talk to Maheone.
81.
ORION
I can’t! She’s… if I move her… FUCK!
82.
EPIPHANY
[COMPLETE
SENTENCES.]
83.
EVRYN
Well, we all know what's on HIS mind.
84.
MARIE
Wait, a few sentences ago he was
like, “I’m going to take her with me. I’ll be back in a few weeks.” That’s what
he said, right?
85.
EVRYN
Continuity, what’s continuity?
Something you eat?
86.
DESMODA
Please don’t get continuity on my
pastries.
87.
ILLYBRIUS
NEFERBELII IS THE ONLY ONE WHO CAN
HELP!
88.
ORION
Goodbye Soul? Never heard of it.
89.
EVRYN
What do you use it on? What do you
use it in?
90.
EPIPHANY
[
Is it the name of a song?]
91.
EVRYN
My band was kinda thinking of writing
a song with a pretentious emo name. Think that would work?
92.
EPIPHANY
[I
think so!]
93.
SERLEINA,
suddenly in human form!
BE
RIGHT BACK, GOT A GUITAR TO MAYBE NOT REALLY TUNE!
94.
SERLEINA scoots her chair awkwardly off set.
95.
ILLYBRIUS
Douvensyne means “Goodbye, soul.” Neferbelii is my mother’s name.
96.
ORION
No, that is the spell he used on her.
97.
EPIPHANY
[That's
stupid. You're stupid. He's stupid. She's stupid.]
98.
EVRYN,
to
the tune of the dude song from the Goodburger movie
"He's a stupid. She's a stupid.
You're a stupid. We're all stupids."
99.
ILLYBRIUS
Go to Celestia. Find the yellow
palace shaped like an hourglass. Find my mother. Get her to help.
100.
ORION
Every time I touch her, she screams
in pain.
101.
EPIPHANY
[Maybe stop doing that?]
[I
shouldn't have to tell you this.]
102.
EVRYN
Why would you do such a thing, you
mediocre dunce?
103.
ILLYBRIUS
DO YOU WANT HER TO GET BETTER OR NOT?
JUST DO IT! And get Maheone back!
104.
ORION
No one else is here, Lee.
105.
SIGYN
EXCUSE YOU.
106.
ORION
What if she dies while I’m gone? Then what?
107.
EVRYN
There will be much rejoicing from the
audience and crew minus OVD?
108.
TOKIOMI
Are we talking about Akuma? No! Don’t kill Akuma! She’s SO NICE!
109.
MARIE
What if she dies while you both are
arguing about what to do? Did you think about that?
110.
ILLYBRIUS
No! No!
111.
EVRYN
I agree with Illybrius! For once!
112.
ILLYBRIUS
Maheone!
113.
ORION
Get your mother. Tell her what
happened.
114.
EVRYN
Those were YOUR instructions. Twit.
115.
/exit ILLYBRIUS
116.
ORION
I can fix this.
117.
EVRYN
Go fix yourself.
118.
EPIPHANY
[Didn't
he just say earlier that he COULDN'T fix this?]
119.
EVRYN goes and writes "PLOT
INCONSISTENCY" under "OTHER" on the Plot Board
120.
DESMODA
whines
Directoooorrrr, the continuity is
getting all over my paaassstrrrriiieeessss
121.
OVD
♪ Seethe and cope, seethe
and cope, seethe and cope, cope, cope
Seethe and cope, seethe
and cope, seethe and cope, cope, cope
Seethe and cope, seethe
and cope, seethe and cope, cope, cope
Seethe and COPE, seethe and cope,
seethe and cope, cope, cope ♪
122.
USAGI
ORION, YOU BASTARD! ILLYBRIUS IS
GOING TO KILL HIMSELF IF HE CAN’T SPEAK TO MAHEONE! IF YOU CAN’T DO SOMETHING, FIND SOMEONE WHO CAN!
HE’S MY MASTER AND
I’M NOT GOING TO
SIT HERE AND WATCH HIM CRY HIMSELF TO DEATH!
123.
ORION
DOES IT LOOK LIKE I CAN GET MAHEONE?
124.
EVRYN
What part of “If you can’t do something, find someone who can” do you not understand?
125.
EPIPHANY
[He's
talking for the entire Corri HiveMind™, which is collectively angry that
Illybrius kept refusing to play into the fake Maheone's bullshit.]
126.
ORION
AKUMA IS DYING AND HIS MOTHER IS THE—
127.
EVRYN
NO ONE CARES!
128.
ORION
I’m taking her to the demon world. Someone there will
help if they don’t kill me first.
129.
USAGI
Take her to Celestia.
130.
MARIE
What about the “not being able to
move her”?
131.
DESMODA
My baking ingredients are coming out
of your unpaycheck, Onion.
132.
ORION
I can’t touch her. She screams in pain and
bruises every time I try!
133.
EPIPHANY
[That’s
really fast, by the way.]
134.
SIGYN
So’s Akuma. O~H~
135.
REIYA
Are we sure that isn't the
Razzlewater?
136.
SIGYN
How the fuck are you going to move
her if you can’t fucking touch her, you ding-dong dumbshit?
137.
EVRYN
I never thought I’d say this, but let me touch her! It’ll be fun! Wow. Really never thought I’d ever say that ever in my lifetime
or anyone else’s.
138.
EPIPHANY
[Does he have some way that he can take her to their "demon
world" that doesn't involve touching her, while he can't do the same to
get her to Celestia?]
[Also, is the ground bruising her?]
[
If it isn't, I will be upset.]
139.
SERLEINA,
scooting back in
Did she trip yet? Is she getting a rash from the Razzlewater?
140.
MARIE
Probably!
141.
USAGI
IF YOU CAN’T GET MAHEONE, FIND SOMEONE WHO CAN!
142.
EPIPHANY
[These
instructions are VERY SIMPLE.]
143.
ILLYBRIUS,
offstage
Usagi, enough!
144.
ORION
I can’t move her.
145.
EPIPHANY
[MAKE
UP YOUR MIND.]
146.
ORION
Get me the counterspell and I will
undo this mess!
147.
EVRYN
Once again, NO ONE CARES ABOUT YOUR
STUPID WEEABOO SELF-INSERT MARY SUE!
148.
MARIE
Maheone says, “Only Neferbelii and I
can undo this.” Then Onion gets here like, “Tell me how to undo this!” and
Illybrius is like, “Get my mom and/or Maheone over here!” and Onion is like,
“No can do! I either can or can’t move her! I either can’t move her, or I can’t
move her to the correct place!”
149.
OVD
Yes, yes, thank you for
the recap. Is there a point you’re coming to?
150.
EVRYN
To which you’re coming.
151.
OVD
… No.
152.
MARIE
That’s a really cruel thing of Corri
to do. Like, Fake Maheone’s already put Illybrius through the fucking wringer,
and now Orion is doing literally everything he can to make the situation worse.
153.
REIYA
He might be better at being a demon
than we’ve given him credit for!
154.
MARIE
I think he’s just Hungry.
155.
REIYA throws a Snickers at him
156.
enter DÉSMODA and ILLYBRIUS
157.
EVRYN
NOT EVEN THEY CARE ABOUT YOUR STUPID
SELF-INSERT WEEABOO FUCKING MARY FUCKING GODDAMN SHITCANOE SUE!
158.
DESMODA
ESPECIALLY not me.
159.
MARIE
Evryn, are you okay?
160.
EVRYN
I want a Snickers.
161.
REIYA
No.
162.
[screen goes staticky and feral noises are
heard]
163.
[fade in from black]
164.
MARIE
… I could have just
Be Here
‘d a Snickers bar.
165.
EVRYN
Yes, but I hate her voice and her
stupid face, so that was actually quite cathartic.
166.
USAGI
THANK YOU, PUMPKIN! AT LEAST SOMEONE
AROUND HERE IS FUCKING USEFUL!
167.
DÉSMODA,
kicking up Razzlewater on purpose.
Oh sure, because your screaming moves
mountains.
168.
USAGI
LIKE I SAID, HE TRIED TO KILL
HIMSELF!
169.
EPIPHANY
[Why
didn't you let him?]
170.
EVRYN
Assuming we're talking about
Illybrius, it's because he's Usagi's legal guardian and Usagi's still a minor.
171.
MARIE
Hasn’t he been in Lights-Out…?
172.
OVD,
cheerfully
The actor’s over 18!
173.
MARIE
Retroactive yikes on trikes!
174.
SIGYN
So why didn’t he let Illybrius kill himself?
175.
MARIE
(not in her Sim House)
I worry about Tokiomi sometimes.
176.
SIGYN
To be entirely fair, he did
stop me the first fifty times I tried. I think after that he just gave up.
177.
MARIE
... I think I hear my teacup whistling.
178.
EVRYN
Are you sure that's not the sound of
Onion's skin sizzling when Désmoda "accidentally" splashes him with
Razzlewater?
179.
MARIE
No, that's just the Razzletea. I
really should go.
180.
MARIE retreats into her Sim house.
181.
ORION
Lee…
182.
USAGI
Don’t try talking to him. He’s too shattered over losing Maheone
again.
183.
ORION
Her eyes have changed.
184.
EVRYN
No one cares.
185.
ORION
Well, isn’t this just grand.
186.
TOKIOMI
ISN’T IT EXCITING?!
187.
USAGI
No.
188.
EPIPHANY
[ It's actually extremely boring.]
[We
went from "Akuma is in MORTAL PERIL!" to "Oh how strange, her
eye colours look different. Again. For the second time today."]
189.
MARIE
Have they changed to blood red
because they’re full of blood?
190.
ILLYBRIUS
Ori—
191.
ORION
What?
192.
ILLYBRIUS
Orion, I’m sorry.
193.
EPIPHANY
[ Is Akuma still dying or have we all forgotten about that?]
[Not that I want to remind you if you have, but this]
[Where
is Audience 1?]
194.
OVD
SIGYN, YOU MAY NOT
WATERBOARD AKUMA IN A SINK FILLED WITH RAZZLEWATER.
195.
SIGYN,
offstage
What are you gonna do, fire me?
196.
AKUMA,
offstage
*blubby Akuma noises*
197.
ORION
Usagi loves you, Lee. Akuma loves
you. I love you.
198.
EVRYN takes a shot
199.
EPIPHANY
[“Why do you CARE so much about MAHEONE?”]
200.
MARIE
Akuma loves you and is dying because
she’s bleeding from her everything.
201.
DESMODA
(Dural filter if we can)
OMNOMNOMNOMNOMNOMNOMNOMNOMNOMNOMMMMM
202.
ORION
Don’t do this, please.
203.
EVRYN
… I’m not sure if you’ve met
Désmoda. She does what she wants.
204.
MARIE
Unfortunately.
205.
ORION
We need you.
206.
EVRYN
Only as an audience and enabler.
207.
SIGYN,
with glitter all over her dress and hands
Wait, that’s Tokiomi’s and my job. I’m the audience. He’s the enabler. It’s spelled out very distinctly in our
cont—
208.
OVD
Silence!
209.
ILLYBRIUS
You don’t.
210.
ORION
Yeah, well, I’m a good fucking liar, too.
211.
EVRYN
No you’re not.
212.
EPIPHANY
[Perhaps
"good" means "terrible" in Corrispeak?]
213.
EVRYN
According to my inner Corri Sue to
English dictionary, this is indeed the case.
214.
REIYA
Wait, where’s Virgil?
215.
EVRYN
Sick leave.
216.
ILLYBRIUS
I know. You don’t love me.
217.
ORION
I FUCKING LIED, OKAY?
218.
EVRYN
Why would that be okay?
219.
EPIPHANY
[Lying is something Corri does reflexively.]
[Although
I wasn’t expecting Onion to admit to it so blatantly.]
220.
SERLEINA
well if u wanted honesty that’s all u haD
TO SAY!
221.
ORION
I wouldn’t have given up everything for you if
I didn’t.
222.
EPIPHANY
[This sentence doesn't seem like it makes sense in context.]
[Evryn,
you've been paying more attention than I have, right?]
223.
EVRYN
Yes. He just said he wouldn't have
given everything up for Lee if he didn't lie reflexively.
224.
EPIPHANY
[.
. . Would you mind letting me take a whiff or three of your booze? I'm too
sober for this.]
225.
EVRYN holds out flask.
226.
EPIPHANY wafts over the air above it and
breathes in deeply
227.
SERLEINA
Why did you do that when Ahrry’s got weed? You can just get
secondhand-high off the weed.
228.
EPIPHANY
[That only works if your brain function is in your brain at the
moment.]
[And if all your brain is in your head.]
[SIGYN.]
229.
SIGYN
You're the one who helped trap my
boyfriend in an elevator and then flood it with a liquid allergen. What do you
expect me to do, just sit there silently and wring my hands?
230.
EPIPHANY
[That would be preferable.]
[
If you do it again, I'm going to build a machine to get my brain all over you,
specifically.
231.
SIGYN
Have fun with that, tiny stiff
person.
232.
EPIPHANY
[Oh,
I will, warmy. I will.]
233.
SIGYN
What was that? I don't read zombie.
234.
EPIPHANY
[pellegrino.jpg]
235.
SIGYN
YOU CAN'T JUST STEAL EVRYN'S SAFEWORD
AND HOPE THAT'LL SHUT ME UP. IT DOESN'T WORK THAT WAY.
236.
DREPANON,
offstage
Take it from me, NOTHING will shut
her up.
237.
TOKIOMI
Is everyone forgetting that I carry a
gag specifically for that purpose?
238.
SERLEINA
GOING
BACK TO what Tiny Doc and I* were talking about...
239.
EPIPHANY
[My
brain activity is abstracted. The alcohol doesn’t do anything for me, either. I just
wish it did.]
240.
SERLEINA
Yep. I am high.
241.
ILLYBRIUS
Why should I believe you now?
242.
SERLEINA
Because I am always high?
243.
ILLYBRIUS
Maheone, my first love, has—he deserted me again.
244.
SERLEINA
Wait, what does that have to do with me being high?
245.
EPIPHANY
[Quiet,
Serleina. You’re
high.]
246.
SERLEINA,
with a closed-mouth sprite
…
247.
EVRYN
Oh my god, that WORKED? Epiphany, I don’t know if I’ve ever acknowledged this before, but
you’re literally a
GENIUS!
248.
EPIPHANY,
smiling
[Yes.
I am.]
249.
ILLYBRIUS
He’s acting like a prat even though I told him how to set
things right, and I don’t know if I can forgive him or if I should.
250.
EPIPHANY
[Protip:
It's not really him.]
251.
ORION
Because I almost died and Akuma is
dying because of that bastard who just left.
252.
EPIPHANY
[You're
right. We should be thanking him.]
253.
SEI-SEI
He pushed Akuma! He pushed her into
the water!
254.
AKUMA,
offstage
WEHHHHHTTTTT.
255.
EPIPHANY
[
Is she still burning?]
256.
EVRYN
Presumably, the lack of consent
lessened the effect.
257.
EPIPHANY
[Drat.]
258.
DÉSMODA
Neferbelii should be arriving any
moment, Orion.
259.
ORION
She’s getting cold.
260.
EPIPHANY
[Yay!]
261.
EVRYN
Assuming you mean Akuma and not
Neferbelii, good. Maybe if she's frigid, we won't have to see any more damn sex
scenes with her and Lee.
262.
ILLYBRIUS
Don’t call him a bastard. He only did
what he felt he had to. Just like any of us do.
263.
ORION
Did what he had to do? Killing Akuma
and myself is “what he had to
do”?
264.
EVRYN
You would know. You wrote his lines.
265.
SERLEINA
I mean, *I* don't have any objections to Maheone killing
Akuma and Orion. Wait. Is this a yan thing?
266.
SIGYN
I think it just might be!
267.
ILLYBRIUS
What he felt he had to.
268.
EVRYN
He felt he had to kill off your other
love interests against your express wishes. I s'pose he was planning to kidnap
you and wait for Stockholm Syndrome to kick in.
269.
SIGYN
I mean, it's what I—
270.
EVRYN
WE KNOW.
271.
EPIPHANY
[I
think Corri wants Illybrius to feel like he's at fault for what Fake!Maheone
did to Akuma.]
272.
EVRYN
That doesn't make any sense. It's
blatantly against what Illybrius was requesting. How could he possibly be at
fault for something he begged Fake!Maheone not to do?
273.
EPIPHANY
[Back
when he was trying to rip Akuma's wings off, he was also trying to bully
Illybrius into agreeing to it, and then things escalated.]
274.
EVRYN
Yes, but Illybrius didn't
agree to it.
275.
EPIPHANY
[That's
why things escalated. If he had just given in and been ostensibly at fault]
276.
EVRYN
How could he be at fault when he
didn't want it to begin with and would have, hypothetically, ONLY given in
after being bullied into it? Which, by the way, sounds wildly out of character
for Illybrius and Corri should know better.
277.
EPIPHANY
[1) Corri gaslights.]
[2) Corri doesn't care about the actual personality, wants, or
needs of anyone her Hivemind interacts with.]
[3)
Corri doesn't recognize duress as an invalidating concept.]
278.
REIYA
Corri's existence should have been
invalidated. By her mother. When she was in the womb.
279.
ILLYBRIUS
I didn’t say I agreed with it. Orion, I wouldn’t be lecturing on morals if I were
you.
280.
EPIPHANY
[
It is, in fact, quite possible that I have better standing to lecture on morals
than Orion does.]
281.
EVRYN
Hell, I have better standing
to lecture on morals than Corrion does.
282.
ORION
I guess we are expendable, then. Good
to know.
283.
EPIPHANY
[You're
slow on the uptake, aren't you?]
284.
EVRYN
How the fuck are you
"expendable" when Illybrius wouldn't let his best friend kill
you?
285.
EPIPHANY
[See item 1.]
[She's
trying to proceed as if Illybrius had been cooperative.]
286.
EVRYN
That makes no sense. Corri makes no
GODDAMN MOTHERFUCKING SHITSTAIN SENSE. I mean, I understand the concept of
gaslighting, but I can't — Marie, if you were to say "I don't like this
tea", I could not react as though you said anything different, because you
did not.
287.
MARIE
Yes.
288.
ILLYBRIUS
You’re not.
289.
EPIPHANY
[I as;ldkfhj awkehra;lkjf alksdf jlaksdhf asdf kasjdf ]
[How
many doctorates do YOU have?]
290.
ILLYBRIUS
One in philosophy and one in fencing,
why?
291.
EPIPHANY
[Philosophy
doesn’t count.]
292.
ILLYBRIUS
Hey, I put in the hours, did the
homework, read the books, and didn’t sleep with any of my professors. It fucking counts.
293.
EVRYN
About as much as, say, a doctorate in
Gender Studies.
294.
ILLYBRIUS
Yes, thank you, Evryn. You see my
point.
295.
EVRYN
I— I’m not sure you see mine.
296.
LENA
...should I be offended?
297.
EVRYN
When are you NOT offended?
298.
LENA
What's that supposed to mean?
299.
EVRYN
Exactly. See, we should have Corri
milk Lena for emotional distress, it'd be much easier on all of us.
300.
ROSEMARY
Hey guys, does anyone know what’s
wrong with Epiphany’s sign?
301.
EVRYN
What do you mean? It looks just like
it always does.
302.
ROSEMARY
What does it say?
303.
EVRYN
What do you mean, what does it say?
You’re looking right at it!
304.
ROSEMARY
So are you. What. Does. It. Say?
305.
EVRYN
… I forgot.
306.
ROSEMARY
You’re still looking right at it.
307.
EVRYN
Yes.
308.
ROSEMARY
So what does it say?
309.
EVRYN
I forgot.
310.
ROSEMARY
Does it say the words, “I forgot”?
311.
EVRYN
You tell me! You’re looking at it,
too!
312.
ROSEMARY
… That would make sense in
context…
313.
ILLYBRIUS
*to Orion* I love you both very much.
314.
EVRYN takes a shot
315.
ILLYBRIUS
You know that!
316.
ORION
FUCK! NO! PLEASE NO!
317.
EPIPHANY
[Does
the idiot's declaration of love burn you or something?]
318.
EVRYN
I think that's the Razzlewater.
319.
MARIE
It's actually the Razzletea. He... he
took a cup. I told him not to, but that only encouraged him.
320.
EVRYN
Yes, rapists tend to do things
despite being told not to.
321.
MARIE
Could you please get my mug back from
him? I need to wash it.
322.
EVRYN
Wash it in Razzlewater.
323.
A RED WOLF is now sitting by the Sim House with
a mug in her mouth, from the handle.
324.
MARIE
Thank you, Serleina.
325.
SERLEINA
Woof!
326.
SERLEINA wags her tail happily
327.
ILLYBRIUS
Unlike you, I don’t say things like that unless I mean
them.
328.
ORION
AKUMA!
329.
EVRYN
Yeah, but see, I really
believe he means that!
330.
EPIPHANY
[Looks like Corri got bored of your declarations of love.]
[Makes
sense, since they're in regard to YOUR feelings and not hers]
331.
DÉSMODA
Everybody MOVE!
332.
ORION
She’s not breathing!
333.
EPIPHANY
[Yay!]
334.
EVRYN
Maybe she got Razzlewater in her
lungs.
335.
DÉSMODA
a)
I
didn’t speak up
before because I don’t give a rat’s ass, but this is someone Illybrius
b)
*checks
notes*
c)
loves.
336.
FLUOU
[Translation:
It’s in her contract.]
337.
DÉSMODA
a)
I
know the counterspell. I am going to perform it and you are going to shut up
and let me.
b)
*pause*
Almost done. Any changes?
338.
ORION
She stopped bleeding, but she still… I…
339.
DÉSMODA
Your negative vibes aren’t helping. Remember, Onion, smilers
wear a crown and losers wear a frown!
340.
EPIPHANY,
=D
[Yeah, Onion.]
[Your negative vibes aren't helping.]
[Stop
being such a whiner and go away 😊]
341.
CIN
I could help.
342.
EVRYN
How do you plan to do that?
343.
CIN
Like this.
344.
The water level rises slightly.
345.
ORION flies up another foot.
346.
SIGYN
What, we're not going to evacuate?
347.
OVD
Fresh water doesn't
trigger Epiphany.
348.
SIGYN
Yeah, but everything triggers
Lena, so why—
349.
OVD
Nobody cares about
Lena.
350.
A WILD XALDIN APPEARS!
351.
XALDIN
[False.]
[We
also do not care about Lena.]
352.
DESMODA
Relax and think of something that
makes you happy. It’ll do loads, trust me.
353.
EVRYN
I’m on a beach, relaxing, listening to the waves
crashing to the shore… Akuma is getting eaten by a shark…
354.
EPIPHANY
[
I'm in my lab, analysing data points, listening to the screams of Akuma, as she
slowly burns to death out on one of the tables, from the lump of thermite in
her abdomen.]
355.
SERLEINA
I’m performing my new—I mean, Dysfunction Junction’s new song "Goodbye Soul” to a crowd of
millions and body-surfing amongst a bunch of hot bikers…
356.
SIGYN
Ooh, that does sound nice.
357.
SERLEINA
Really? Because we’re looking for a… um… trianglist!
358.
ORION
I’ll be happy if she starts breathing again.
359.
MARIE
Did she stop breathing because her
heart stopped beating?
360.
EPIPHANY
[That’s
why I don’t bleed!]
361.
DÉSMODA
with a comically large bloody straw going from her mouth
Then picture her breathing again.
362.
EVRYN
Stop ruining our happy places!
363.
EPIPHANY
[
Imagine the beauty of exothermic chemical reactions]
364.
EVRYN
I know "exo" means
"outside" and "thermic" relates to temperature, but I'm not
entirely sure what that word means.
365.
EPIPHANY
[Stuff
heats up.]
366.
EVRYN grins
367.
REIYA
See? Positive energy! She’s doing it
right! Gotta raise those vibrations!
368.
SERLEINA
OH
YEAH! I’LL RAISE SOME VIBRATIONS ALRIGHT! ON MY FURRY ROBOT DICK! YEEEEEAAAAAHHHHHHH
369.
ORION
Fine.
370.
DÉSMODA
Good boy. I’m going to see if Illybrius will open
his bond with her.
371.
ORION
She’s barely breathing and she’s freezing.
372.
EPIPHANY
[Shit.
She's getting better.]
373.
DÉSMODA
He won’t dose her, but he’ll lend her some warmth. She is going
to live, Orion. I am enforcing the counterspell with a rather powerful healing
spell I picked up from Maheone himself. This will work.
374.
EPIPHANY
[
]
375.
DÉSMODA
It's very possible, as English is not
my first language and I never cared to learn it too well.
376.
EVRYN
Actually, “he won’t dose her” means that he won’t push too much power into her. You’re probably right about the second
one, though.
377.
ROSEMARY
Wow. You can read her, after
all.
378.
EVRYN
What?
379.
ORION
THE ASS!
380.
AHRRY
Baaah?
381.
ORION
He was still with her! Fucker just
left!
382.
AHRRY
I’m right here, and I’ve got nothing to do with Akuma. Also, M’NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
383.
EVRYN
smacks
Orion upside the head with the script
Maheone left right when you got here
and you know it!
384.
EPIPHANY
[Seriously.
Pay more attention.]
385.
ILLYBRIUS
Maheone, how could you? It’s almost as though he’s been possessed. This is not the
Maheone I knew.
386.
EPIPHANY
[This
would count as foreshadowing if we hadn't called out the faker. . . more times
than I can be bothered to go back and count]
387.
DÉSMODA
with straw
Yeah, yeah. I’ll get to it after Akuma’s better. *SLURP *
388.
MARIE
Better physically or better
writing-wise?
389.
DESMODA
with straw
Shh, I’m eating.
390.
ORION
Love can drive people insane.
Especially if they believe it will never be returned.
391.
EPIPHANY
[No,
that's just you.]
392.
CINNAMON
Actually, it's me too.
393.
EVRYN
Word
394.
SIGYN
Yeah, same here.
395.
DÉSMODA
Love would be better if it was edible.
396.
EVRYN
Yeah, I'm hungry. When do we get a
break?
397.
SERLEINA
Didn’t we just have a pizza party?
398.
SEI-SEI,
>=(
DON’T SPEAK NONSENSE, SERLEINA!
FOOOOOODDDDD!!!!
399.
OVD
After we do a
quarter-way decent take, so get to it!
400.
EVRYN
Quarter-way? Aren't we at least
halfway decent yet?
401.
OVD
Halfway decent?! How
long do you want this to take?!
402.
ILLYBRIUS
But— I— how is this unclear? I love
him.
403.
EVRYN takes a shot
404.
ILLYBRIUS
I told him exactly how to make things
right, and he ignored me completely!
405.
EPIPHANY
[That
happens when Corri starts writing someone's lines.]
406.
ILLYBRIUS
Regardless, there’s something corrupted about him. His
aura is off.
407.
EPIPHANY smacks Illybrius with previous sign
408.
ILLYBRIUS
Yeah. I deserved that.
409.
CINNAMON
You felt it too? The aura thing?
410.
ILLYBRIUS
TOO? YOU KNEW ABOUT THIS?!
411.
ORION
Akuma’s eyes have changed color.
412.
EPIPHANY
[Yes, you’ve
said that already.]
[We
don’t care.]
413.
EVRYN
Stop trying to be relevant.
414.
MARIE
Oh, oh, I see Cinnamon and Illybrius
started talking to each other, so of course Akuma’s eyes had to change colour again.
415.
CINNAMON
I knew BLIU’S aura had changed, but I didn’t figure Maheone into it.
416.
ILLYBRIUS
Cinnamon, I cannot believe you would
keep something like this from me.
417.
EPIPHANY
[
It's more like she forgot to mention it, isn't it?]
418.
EVRYN
Same thing on this show.
419.
REIYA
Maybe she assumed you would know,
since Team Falcon is ALSO a hivemind?
420.
DÉSMODA
Enough!
421.
EVRYN
It's true, though.
422.
DESMODA
a)
Much
as I enjoy a good catfight, your senseless bickering isn’t helping! I’m done.
b)
*puts
down the straw *
c)
She
should be fully healed in about ten to fifteen minutes.
423.
SIGYN
For those of you who are wondering,
she just drank all of Akuma’s blood, then cast healing magic. It takes about
10-15 minutes to fully regenerate her.
424.
ORION
Umm, she just rolled over and ruined
a rug.
425.
EPIPHANY
[Because
heavens forbid you actually SAY that Akuma did something as unglamourous as
vomiting!]
426.
EVRYN
That’s what he meant? I thought she shat
her pants!
427.
DÉSMODA
Ignore the rug. She will be fine.
It’s just an allergic reaction to my healing magic!
428.
SERLEINA
It was only a SMALL laxative!
429.
DESMODA
… You know what, that’s funnier.
Let’s go with that!
430.
ORION
But her eyes have changed.
431.
EPIPHANY
[No-one
cares.]
432.
EVRYN
OH MY FUCKING GOD, HAVE HER FUCKING EYES
CHANGED, YOU CUNT?!
433.
ORION
Was that supposed to happen?
434.
DÉSMODA,
squinting at her notes
What was their original chlorine? Oh,
sorry, colour?
435.
EVRYN
Since when is ANYTHING about Akuma
original?
436.
DÉSMODA
Original—before Maheone.
437.
EPIPHANY
[
I N I T I A L ]
438.
DÉSMODA
Wow, you’re a bigger dick than my ESL
professor. I like you.
439.
EPIPHANY
[English
is my THIRD language. You have no excuse.]
440.
DÉSMODA
…. It’s my fifth.
441.
EPIPHANY
[Dammit.]
442.
DÉSMODA
Let’s see, my third language is… German, I believe.
443.
EPIPHANY
[Oh!
I’m working on that
one. My Nene speaks it.]
444.
DÉSMODA
Oh. Does she at least know how to
space out the letters on her flashcards to not look condescending? Because you
should probably learn that first.
445.
EPIPHANY
[No
thanks, I’m
good.]
446.
DESMODA
Oh, okay then.
447.
ORION
Well, when she was born, they were
blue.
448.
EPIPHANY
[That's
true for most newborns.]
449.
REIYA
Well,
usually it's more grey, but not everyone makes that distinction.
450.
MARIE
Blue is
structural.
451.
EVRYN
Mine were red when I was born.
452.
ORION
Then when Maheone got to her, they
turned violet.
453.
MARIE
What do you mean, “When he got to
her”?
454.
ORION
Well, you see, there was this thing
with a tiger—
455.
EVRYN
EV-NY-WAY. Moving on.
456.
ORION
Then when Lee fed her his power,
457.
MARIE
I’m starting to sense a pattern.
458.
ORION
—they had gold flecking in them. Now
they are silver and gold.
459.
EPIPHANY
[That
was painful to read.]
460.
EVRYN
Painful to READ? I was actually
LISTENING. My ears are ringing in protest.
461.
DREPANON
Wait a second, hold on—
462.
SERLEINA
*AAAAIIIIIRRRRRHHHHHOOOORRRRNNNN*
463.
MARIE giggles wildly
464.
LUNESTOS,
offstage
Illy-briucce, je suis desole.
465.
CINNAMON
Raise your hand if that was you! It wasn’t me!
466.
USAGI
Not me.
467.
DÉSMODA
Do I look like I speak French?
468.
EPIPHANY
[Ce
n'était pas moi]
469.
EVRYN
It wasn’t me, but Désmoda, DON’T you speak French?
470.
DÉSMODA
…okay, it’s my fourth language, but still, it wasn’t me, either.
471.
ILLYBRIUS
That most definitely was not me.
472.
CINNAMON
a)
Alrighty,
will whoever DID say that please step forward?
b)
*pause*
Guess that’s a “no.” Wait a minute. Who even calls Lee
that?
473.
MARIE
Probably whoever’s written in the
Extinction Moped.
474.
EVRYN
Well, going by the script, I’m going to assume that whoever said
it was some bloke called “Lunestos.” Once again, I ask, who the HELL is Lunestos?
475.
OVD
I am not authorised to
reveal that information.
476.
EPIPHANY
[What
the hell is “some
bloke called ‘Lunestos’” apologizing to Illybrius for?]
477.
OVD
Shut your yap and maybe
you’ll find out.
478.
EPIPHANY
[
I’ve not opened my yap
this entire episode.]
479.
OVD
That doesn’t look like the sign of
someone who wants to find out, now, does it?
480.
EPIPHANY blows raspberry
481.
OVD
*ALMIGHTY FART NOISE!*
482.
WOLF!SERLEINA points her butt to the ceiling.
483.
OVD
Don't even think about
it.
484.
WOLF!SERLEINA does what she wants!
485.
/exit ORION.
486.
Enter MAHEONE
487.
MAHEONE
Illybrius, you still want me? I’m here.
488.
EPIPHANY
[Nobody
wants you, faker.]
489.
ILLYBRIUS
Maheone? Akuma? Orion?
490.
SERLEINA
EMO
ROLL CALL!
491.
MAHEONE
Those two are asleep.
492.
EPIPHANY
[They're
also interchangeable.]
493.
MAHEONE
They don’t matter.
494.
EVRYN
Finally, he says something I agree
with.
495.
ILLYBRIUS
My love, everybody matters.
496.
EPIPHANY
[Do
I need to write "Illybrius's delusions" on the Plot Board?]
497.
EVRYN
Yes
498.
EPIPHANY gets the chalk, writes "ILLYBRIUS'S
DELUSIONS" under "OTHER"
499.
EVRYN
Actually, while we're fucking with
the Plot Board...
500.
EVRYN writes "Razzlewater!" in red
marker under "OTHER"
501.
MAHEONE
They are in the way.
502.
ILLYBRIUS
Of what?
503.
EPIPHANY
[Me
not hating every moment I spend in this accursed building]
504.
MAHEONE
Us.
505.
EPIPHANY
glances at Evryn
[Me Us not hating every moment I we spend in this accursed building]
506.
MAHEONE
Much better.
507.
SERLEINA
What are you talking about? This building is awesome! Have you
tried the cooler water?
508.
SIGYN
Would you prefer I flood the studio
again?
509.
MAHEONE
—
510.
SERLEINA
WOULD
YOU LIKE TO TRY SOME?!
511.
MAHEONE
... I've been wading in it this
ENTIRE TIME. What makes you think it bothers me?
512.
ILLYBRIUS
I never wanted to be protected.
513.
SEI-SEI
NOTHING CAN PROTECT YOU FROM THE
COOLER WATER! NOTHING!
514.
EPIPHANY,
to Illybrius
[Are
you being protected in any way at this point?]
515.
EVRYN
Fake!Maheone here claims that he erased
Illybrius's memory to protect him, or some shit like that.
516.
ILLYBRIUS
Only touched, held— I needed to know
six thousand years ago that you loved me. However, I’m glad that I know now.
517.
EPIPHANY
[That's...
not what love is.]
518.
MAHEONE
I’m a bit late.
519.
EVRYN
Scared you’re pregnant?
520.
SIGYN
Considering he’s a Falcon Unrescue,
that’s quite possible!
521.
MARIE
*squicked noises *
522.
ILLYBRIUS
I know. Hold me.
523.
MAHEONE
Keep them safe from me.
524.
EPIPHANY
[Why
don't you keep them safe from yourself?]
525.
SIGYN
Is there something about the term
“Falcon Unrescue” that was gynny unclear?
526.
ILLYBRIUS
Maheone, stop leaving. You are the
one who has kept leaving. I would have your company in any circumstance.
527.
MARIE
It is, in fact, Corri’s characters
who are the problem!
528.
MAHEONE
Illybrius, it’s not me. Please, keep them safe.
529.
TOKIOMI
Is… Did he just admit that he’s
completely out-of-character?
530.
ILLYBRIUS
What is it?
531.
MAHEONE
I am not myself.
532.
ILLYBRIUS
I know that!
533.
EPIPHANY
[We
ALL know that.]
534.
EVRYN
Even Tokiomi knows that!
535.
MAHEONE
Please.
536.
ILLYBRIUS
Hold me.
537.
MAHEONE
Don’t.
538.
EPIPHANY
[Do
you get the feeling that Illybrius isn't reacting the way Corri wants, and
she's angry about it?]
539.
ILLYBRIUS
I’d have asked this of you long ago, but my pride got in
the way. Now, having lived in America, in the company of mostly women no less,
I have no pride.
540.
EVRYN
Way to be sexist, jackass.
541.
AHRRY,
now in a skirt and sweater set!
Heehaw.
542.
ILLYBRIUS
I only want the pleasures of the
flesh that have been denied me so long. When you leave, I cry so hard that my
heart stops beating. It can’t keep up with the loss.
543.
MAHEONE
Something inside me is telling me to
kill you.
544.
EVRYN
Is it your prostate?
545.
EPIPHANY
[Corri's
just pissed that he's going off the rails.]
546.
ILLYBRIUS
You cannot kill me, Maheone.
547.
MAHEONE
No, but the two here….
548.
ILLYBRIUS
Do not kill them.
549.
EVRYN
Seriously, we’re Commentary. What the hell did we
ever do to you?
550.
EPIPHANY
[Maybe
we made fun of him.]
551.
SERLEINA
AAAAAAAAWWWW,
DID THE COMMENTARY HURT YOUR WEE FEE-FEES? Get over it,
man, this isn’t LiveJournal.
552.
SEI-SEI
Wait, he might have meant we-two.
553.
SERLEINA
We two didn’t do shit, Sei-Sei. Calm your horns.
554.
SEI-SEI
I can only calm one horn. The other
is my party horn. See?
555.
PARTY HORN makes a party horn noise and spews
confetti.
556.
SERLEINA
Dude. That’s cool.
557.
SIGYN
You don’t think he meant we-two, do you?
558.
TOKIOMI
No way, he wouldn’t kill us. He seems like a really
generous and loving person.
559.
SIGYN
…have we been watching the same show?
560.
TOKIOMI
... I might have snuck out to watch
Rosemary's version during the commercial break and "forgotten" my way
back to the studio.
561.
SIGYN
Okay, I believe you!
562.
TOKIOMI
Huzzah!
563.
MAHEONE
I am trying. Please protect them from
me. I don’t want to hurt
them or you. Please.
564.
EPIPHANY
["Maheone", are you making this all about you? Really?
On a show about Illybrius?]
[How
could you?]
565.
EVRYN
Illybrius sucks, too!
566.
CIN
Wait, what? I thought the show was
about me!
567.
AKUMA,
lifting her head from her “wuhhh” position
What?! My agent told me I
would be the main character!
568.
CIN
Shut up and go back into your Akoma!
569.
AKUMA
a)
Alrighty
then. Wuh.
b)
*back
into fainting position *
570.
EPIPHANY
[I'm just tired of Corri being the only one who gets to do
ridiculous guilt tripping.]
[
]
571.
SIGYN
Wait, I don't feel guilty about that.
572.
EPIPHANY
[
]
573.
SIGYN
I'll let you in on some of my
favorite pranks if you stop hurting my Meta.
574.
EPIPHANY
[
I'm sorry, did you hear something?]
575.
SIGYN
Yes, I heard the sound of
576.
SIGYN shoots an arrow. It goes past Epiphany,
BOUNCES, and ricochets into "Maheone".
577.
MAHEONE
OW, MY SPLEEN!
578.
ILLYBRIUS
I know, my love. I know.
579.
SIGYN
a)
Also,
I'm a much more loyal girlfriend than Illybrius is.
b)
*pause*
c)
I
stand by that.
580.
ILLYBRIUS
Do you know what’s corrupted you?
581.
SIGYN
Me? Yeah, it's—
582.
EVRYN
Probably the cooler water.
583.
EPIPHANY
[
I can’t confirm or deny that.]
584.
SEI-SEI
What are you talking about? You didn’t tamper with it today. It was my
turn!
585.
EPIPHANY
[Exactly.]
[You
see, I can't ONLY say that when I actually did something. That would be
confirming it.]
586.
SEI-SEI
Oh... Do you have any snacks? I gave
away my Snickers bar.
587.
EVRYN throws a breakfast bar across the set.
588.
SERLEINA fetches it and brings it back to
Evryn.
589.
EVRYN points to Sei-Sei.
590.
SERLEINA walks over to Sei-Sei with the food
bar.
591.
EPIPHANY
[I
can’t eat.]
592.
SEI-SEI
Oh. That's boring.
593.
SEI-SEI takes the food bar from Serleina.
594.
MAHEONE
No. I… Illyria-briucce, please protect
them.
595.
EPIPHANY
[They
are incapable of protecting themselves]
596.
SEI-SEI
What part of “nothing can protect you from the
cooler water”, in all caps,
did you not understand?
597.
SERLEINA
It was the all-caps part. Trust me on
this.
598.
SEI-SEI,
disappointed
Oh…
599.
ILLYBRIUS
checks watch
I need to leave now. Call me.
600.
MAHEONE
I can’t. I am going. Please. Protect them.
601.
/exit MAHEONE, pursued by Sigyn holding the
cooler tank above her head
ENDING THEME: Positive Energy
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