Episode 55a. We Lived in Italy, part 3 | November 4, 2008 at 9:00 p.m.

 1.  TITLE

We Lived in Italy Before It Was Known as Greece, part 3

 

2.  November 4, 2008 | 9.00 PM

 

3.        DRAKE

Maya-Hone said she was a gift for his best friend, a perfect match to some kind of weapon. He merged her and the tiger and then he fed her some of his blood and energy and said he would be back in a few years.

 

4.        ILLYBRIUS

Maheone… Klusterbumsen!

 

5.        CIN

I think he just called him a clusterfuck.

 

6.        DRAKE

Oh really?

 

7.        ILLYBRIUS

Obviously.

 

8.        DRAKE

That is close to our word for ‘cocktease’.

 

9.        CIN

What’s your word for ‘cocktease’?

 

10.   DRAKE

Kusterbsen.

 

11.   EPIPHANY

[$5 says Corri made that up immediately after hearing the Drakoste word.]

 

12.         EVRYN passes a $5 bill to Epiphany

 

13.   EVRYN
Not even gonna bother looking it up.

 

14.   ILLYBRIUS

Miss Akuma, please don’t feel badly. I love you very much!

 

15.   EVRYN takes a shot

 

16.   ILLYBRIUS

I do not care why you are here, only that you are, and that I would not give you up for the world.

 

17.   DRAKE

Umm… She’s bawling her eyes out.

 

18.   EPIPHANY

[Well, duh. He just told her she has no reason to be wangsting.]

 

19.   ILLYBRIUS

Then relay what I said, goddamn it!

 

20.   DRAKE

I DID, SATAN-BLESS-IT!

 

21.   SIGYN

He's just backstage, if you want to ask him directly.

 

22.   DREPANON, offstage

Fuck off!

 

23.   SIGYN

And there's your blessing!

 

24.   ILLYBRIUS

Oh. Thank you.

 

25.   DREPANON

Fuck the fucking fuck off!

 

26.   ROSEMARY

That means "You're welcome" in RudeBot-ian.

 

27.   SIGYN

Can confirm.

 

28.   DRAKE

Hang on. I know how to get her. Give me a few minutes.  

 

29.         DRAKE puts on BlueDouche™ headset

 

30.   DRAKE (wearing BlueDouche headset)

No, Akuma. Your life is your own. You can’t control what happened.

 

31.   EPIPHANY

[She's right here in the room with you. Why are you talking into a headset?]

[Is this some sort of bypass for her cochlear logic filter?]

 

32.   DRAKE

It's called "product placement," hello? BUY BLUEDOUCHE!

 

33.   EVRYN

Sorry, I don't really want anything blue going in—

 

34.   DRAKE

It's the name of the HEADSET! Oh my god, you're SO STUPID!

 

35.   EVRYN
*laughs* If you ask me, it's the name that's stupid!

 

36.   DREPANON, offstage

100% Moon Moon Approved!

 

37.         ZOOM IN to the BlueDouche headset, which has a little demon giving the thumbs-up on the logo.

 

38.   ILLYBRIUS

Miss Akuma…

 

39.   DRAKE

Calm down. You are not an animal, okay?

 

40.   CIN

Well, actually, she IS an animal. Animal and… whatever she was previously. But it’s a good thing.

 

41.   EPIPHANY

[We are all part of the Kingdom Animalia.]

 

42.         CUE MUSIC: The Bad Touch, by The Bloodhound Gang

 

43.   DRAKE

You are not nothing either.

 

44.   CIN

She is most DEFINITELY not nothing.

 

45.   EPIPHANY

[She's too annoying to be nothing.]

 

46.   DÉSMODA

Are we talking about the loud talking prop?

 

47.   DREPANON, offstage

Which one, Akuma or Sigyn?

 

48.   SIGYN

Awww, you remembered my name!

 

49.   EPIPHANY, Spock eyebrow

[Uh]

 

50.   SERLEINA

How am I not considered a "loud talking prop" by Drepanon's standards?

 

51.   DREPANON, offstage

Because you're actually useful in the context of this show, Sirius.

 

52.   SERLEINA

IT'S *SERLEINA*.

 

53.   DRAKE

That is not.

 

54.   SERLEINA

YES IT FUCKING IS DON'T TELL ME WHAT MY NAME IS

 

55.   DRAKE

Lee would never do something like that to you. He knows you aren’t an animal to keep caged for his amusement.

 

56.   EPIPHANY

[I'm getting that creepy "we are looking into Corri's sexual fantasies" feeling again.]

 

57.   SIGYN

Damn it, I hate having things in common with Corri.

 

58.   CIN

Akuma, damn it, do you know how many, on Earth and in Celestia, would love to be you if they knew your situation?

 

59.   EPIPHANY

[She doesn't let things like facts get in the way of her angst.]

 

60.   REIYA

On the one hand, what Epi said. On the other hand, what the fuck is this backstory?

 

61.   SERLEINA

And yet, we're all supposed to believe Caleb has had a worse life than Akuma.

 

62.   DRAKE

You are not his whore either.

 

63.   EPIPHANY

[What the fuck? Why would Akuma say that?]

 

64.   EVRYN

Because she was sold as a sex slave by Drepanon? And the whole tiger thing.

 

65.   REIYA

Which, honestly if Illybrius believed Maheone did that, they should be breaking up RIGHT NOW even if they aren't in contact.

 

66.   EVRYN

Okay so bear with me, but I've only known Maheone for a couple of years, and he doesn't seem like that kind of person AT ALL, so I'm going to repeat what I've been saying about this being an imposter. And Illybrius has known him for going on 7,000 years, so I doubt he would buy it. He's probably just playing along to avoid Akuma getting butthurt more than absolutely necessary in terms of the show.

 

67.   DRAKE

Please stop or else I will summon Lee here—

 

68.   EVRYN

Because he’s totally not in the room or anything.

 

69.   DRAKE

--even if I have to rip open a portal.

 

70.   REIYA

I'll rip open YOUR portal. Sigyn, can I borrow your crossbow?

 

71.   SIGYN

No. Mine.

 

72.   DREPANON, offstage

So she *IS* like that all the time, even over objects that aren't my son.

 

73.   REIYA

Drepanon, did you just?

 

74.   DREPANON, offstage

Damn straight.

 

75.   EVRYN

Honestly, Pan, you should be flattered, since he's after all an extension of you.

 

76.   DREPANON, offstage

Well, there is that.

 

77.   ILLYBRIUS

Cinnamon, stop helping.

 

78.   CIN

Who's helping? I'm enjoying the miscellaneous conversation over here!

 

79.   ILLYBRIUS

Akuma, listen to me. Akuma! You are not a whore, and you are not a plaything. You are a goddess. More accurately, demi-goddess. In any case, you—

 

80.   DRAKE

No, you are not like Usagi. Now stop crying and listen to your bondmate.

 

81.   EPIPHANY

[Who exactly is talking into Drake's headset? Akuma is sitting right there and she's not saying anything.]

 

82.   EVRYN

I assume it's all to do with the Corri HiveMind™

 

83.   EPIPHANY

[Okay, but why does he have to be repeating so the Audience can hear? I hate that trope.]

 

84.   SIGYN

Because I'm more likely to listen to a hot guy than I am to listen to—

 

85.   AKUMA

*Akuma noise*

 

86.   SIGYN

That.

 

87.   EPIPHANY

[Wait, you think that guy's hot instead of annoying?]

 

88.   SIGYN

Most hot guys are also annoying. Like Meta and Drepanon, for instance.

 

89.   EPIPHANY

[Sexual attraction in humanoids is so weird.]

 

90.   ILLYBRIUS

DAMN IT, YOU ARE NOTHING LIKE USAGI! I bought Usagi because I was bored and lonely.

 

91.   ROSEMARY

Lonely.

 

92.         CUE MUSIC:  Mr. Lonely by Akon

 

93.   SIGYN

That was terrible.

 

94.   OREGANO

I agree, and Illybrius should feel terrible.

 

95.   SIGYN

I meant your singing.

 

96.   DREPANON, offstage

Once again, it's not any worse than yours.

 

97.   SIGYN, sulking

Marigold liked my singing.

 

98.   ILLYBRIUS

a.   You and I met by subtle turns in our paths, which crossed.

b.   Cinnamon, please keep Usagi from hearing this.

 

99.   EPIPHANY

[You do realise he watches this show, right?]

 

100.                  ILLYBRIUS

a.   Miss Akuma, my beloved Miss Akuma, I knew nothing of Maheone’s plans.

b.   I never paid attention to the future.

c.   You know that. I don’t care about fate, or destiny, or any of it.

d.   I was always more interested in living for the moment.

e.   In any case, if I’d known what he was doing, I would have stopped him. Cause that shit's sick, yo. And not like, "off the hook."

 

101.                  SIGYN

Please don't ever say that again.

 

102.                  ROSEMARY

Knock, knock.

 

103.                  EPIPHANY

[Who's there?]

 

104.                  ROSEMARY

Something more interesting than Akuma.

 

105.                  EVRYN

Something more interesting than Akuma, who?

 

106.                  ROSEMARY

Anything.

 

107.                  ILLYBRIUS

a.   I enjoy your company greatly, but I respect you far too much to think of you as a mere gift or trifle in that manner, and it upsets me that he meant to make a living somebody… a gift!

b.   Damn it, I wish we were fluent in each other’s languages.

 

108.                  EVRYN

Because it’s not like either of you are fluent in English. Heavens, no.

 

109.                  EPIPHANY

[Normally I don't mind Translation Convention.]

[Here, I mind.]

 

110.                  EVRYN

Actually, they are speaking English here.

 

111.                  EPIPHANY

[They are? That. . . makes things a little weirder.]

 

112.                  EVRYN

Yeah, they each want to speak their own language because English is "insufficient" or something, but they wouldn't be able to understand each other if they did.

 

113.                  EPIPHANY

[Well. . . there are some phrases and cultural concepts that don't really translate well between languages, but if you're both fluent in the shared language you can explain those on a case-by-case basis.]

 

114.                  EVRYN

Well, yeah. They're both being pretentious magical snowflake alien things.

 

115.                  SIGYN

Also, "wishbone". Try translating, "Excuse me, sir, would you like to wet your wishbone?" into French. I dare you.

 

116.                  EPIPHANY

...

 

117.                  EPIPHANY

[No.]

[Doesn't work.]

 

118.                  SIGYN

Yes, I know. I tried it myself and the best I could come up with was, "Would you wet your spine?"

 

119.                  ROSEMARY

Do you love him?

 

120.                  SIGYN

I "thot" that was clear.

 

121.                  OVD

ANACHRONISMS. Also, OUT OF CHARACTER, AUDIENCE 1.

 

122.                  SIGYN

Too bad we're back in the studio, which was rebuilt during the commercial break at your expense, so I can't put another lampshade on you.

 

123.                  OVD

You guys were lampshading the ficus, which is twice my height!

 

124.                  SIGYN

Wait, YOU HAVE A HEIGHT?!

 

125.                  OVD

I would think it obvious by now that I'm not ACTUALLY a disembodied voice!

 

126.                  ILLYBRIUS

I do not know how to explain properly in English, and I would confuse you in Drakoste.

 

127.                  ROSEMARY

Do you know how to roleplay?

 

128.                  EVRYN

I hope his roleplaying is better than his acting.

 

129.                  EPIPHANY

[Somehow, my hopes aren’t very high.]

 

130.                  ILLYBRIUS

a.   Maheone had no right to do what he did, but I am certainly glad that you and I did meet, and that we are as close as we are.

b.   Do you understand?

 

131.                  DRAKE

She’s nodding.

 

132.                  ILLYBRIUS

Miss Akuma, may I hug you?

 

133.                  DRAKE

Ummm… she nodding but she also burst out into tears again but I think these are happy tears.

 

134.                  EVRYN

Wait, she cries at the idea of having to give consent for something? Did I hear that correctly?

 

135.                  EPIPHANY

[She's also still RIGHT THERE.]

 

136.      ILLYBRIUS wraps his arms around Akuma and holds her gently.

 

137.                  AKUMA

Ir vren.

 

138.                  ILLYBRIUS, head only

Quoi?

 

139.                  AKUMA

So warm.

 

140.      ILLYBRIUS holds Akuma closer

 

141.                  AKUMA

I can feel your heartbeat.

 

142.                  ILLYBRIUS

I would suppose so.

 

143.      enter USAGI

 

144.                  CIN

Illybrius, I think you need to see this.

 

145.      CINNAMON hands Illybrius a piece of paper

 

146.                  ILLYBRIUS

Cinnamon! Maheone did NOT say that in his parting speech!

 

147.                  CIN

Yes he did! I have it right here, his exact words! “Maliri ka Illy-briucce: Este dragostea vestii mele.”

 

148.                  EVRYN

Didn't we go over this earlier?

 

149.                  ILLYBRIUS

No, he did not! He would never have said that!

 

150.                  USAGI

Um, what did he say or not say?

 

151.                  CIN

He said, “My love to Illybrius. You are the love of my life.”

 

152.                  ILLYBRIUS

As I said, he would never have said that. If he did, I damn sure would have remembered it!

 

153.                  DRAKE

Can I say something?

 

154.                  EVRYN

No. Shut the fuck up.

 

155.                  CIN

Sure, go ahead.

 

156.                  DREPANON, offstage

I'm with Evryn on this.

 

157.                  EPIPHANY

[You're not Commentary.]

 

158.                  REIYA

Go eat a bagel—NO WAIT. Don't do that. Take a flying fuck at a rolling doughnut, instead.

 

159.                  DRAKE

Well, she fell asleep and I will translate the part that speaks of the Maya-Hone and get it to you as soon as possible. Maybe it will help.

 

160.                  CIN

a)  *sighs sharply* Yeah, that would be helpful.

b)  I’m supposed to be archiving all the stuff that happened in Celestia, past and present.

c)   It’d help if we had someone doing the same for wherever-you-guys-are-from, at least the parts where our lives intertwine.

 

161.                  DRAKE

Umm… might I ask one more question before I get started? Actually two questions.

 

162.                  ILLYBRIUS

Ask as many as you want.

 

163.                  DRAKE

I can do that for you. Umm, first question. Orion said for you to tell the people about the children. How did they react?

 

164.                  ILLYBRIUS

Usagi told them. Ask him.

 

165.                  USAGI

They muttered some stuff I couldn’t understand.

 

166.                  EVRYN

Yeah, you might consider that next time you're sending someone to a foreign place to deliver a message, is whether or not they can understand each other.

 

167.                  EPIPHANY

[But why does the angst need to be spread to Celestia?]

 

168.                  EVRYN

Presumably because Akuma is now a Drakoste demi-goddess?

 

169.                  EPIPHANY

[She never took that job! She just fainted!]

 

170.                  EVRYN

Yeah, but because of the no-agency thing, it's being treated as though she now has that job, because the penises make all the decisions.

 

171.                  REIYA

Can't argue with the dick counsel, I suppose.

 

172.                  CINNAMON

Indeed. It is, after all, headed by Drepanon, the biggest dick of them all.

 

173.                  SERLEINA

YOU WOULD—wait.

 

174.                  SERLEINA, to Sigyn

Would you know?

 

175.                  SIGYN

I mean, he and Meta both use Magnums, so I would assume?

 

176.                  TOKIOMI

THAT'S what you want to hear your underage niece say on international television.

 

177.                  SIGYN

Disclaimer: My voice actor and line-writer are both in their mid-to-late twenties.

 

178.      A WILD CHINCHILLA APPEARS!

 

179.                  SIGYN

No, not—awwwwwwwww, how can I resist? Widdwe cute bean.

 

180.      enter MINESWEEPER

 

181.      MINESWEEPER walks across set to the snack table

 

182.                  DREPANON, suddenly onstage!

Wait a minute! If you have a snack table, why did Cinnamon send me all the way out to the candy van?

 

183.                  CIN

To get you out of our hair, and also because the Audience needs to pay attention to us, not to you.

 

184.                  DREPANON

Not my fault the Director hired someone he knew would get "distracted" by me.

 

185.                  OVD

What can I say? She's got great connections for drama. Like your girlfriend, the dinosaur.

 

186.                  SERLEINA

D, I, N, O, S, A

U R A DINOSAUR

O, L, D, M, A, N, YOU'RE JUST AN OLD MAN!

 

187.                  OVD

No, Serleina, I said MARIGOLD is the dinosaur.

 

188.                  SERLEINA

I know, I just like the song!

 

189.                  CIN

Would you mind saying WHAT stuff?

 

190.      USAGI whispers to Minesweeper

 

191.                  MINESWEEPER

I… don’t think it would be prudent to share.

 

192.                  DRAKE

And second, Lee… when do you want to complete the bonding?

 

193.                  EVRYN

Yes, let’s all feel free to ask extremely personal questions at the drop of a hat.

 

194.                  REIYA

Okay! Evryn, at what age did you first get your period?

 

195.                  EVRYN

What is it with you and first periods?

 

196.                  REIYA

Ooh, good one! That's ALSO extremely personal!

 

197.                  EPIPHANY

[Are we kink-shaming?]

 

198.                  EVRYN

When Sigyn and Drepanon are in the same room, we generally don't bother. It's redundant at that point.

 

199.      exit MINESWEEPER

 

200.                  ILLYBRIUS blushes

I—I—I—wh-when she recovers, I suppose, or wh-wh-when she can—

 

201.                  DRAKE * start voicing lines again from here

Her body is able to handle it.

 

202.                  EPIPHANY

[Okay, but what about her mind?]

 

203.                  EVRYN

What mind?

 

204.                  EPIPHANY

[Right, I forgot. No agency.]

[But it's still weird to ask, "Hey, when are you going to fuck this person already?]

[Isn't Drake her brother?]

 

205.                  EVRYN

Yeah, remember when we were speculating that all this was to do with Corri's sexual fantasies? Maybe brother-sister voyeurism is one of them?

 

206.                  DRAKE

However, the cullegin pouch will not remake for at least four months, so there will be no more accidents.

 

207.                  SERLEINA

NO MORE ACCIDENTS, LIKE DREPANON'S SON!

 

208.                  OVD

Spoi... wait, never mind, everyone knows that.

 

209.                  EPIPHANY

[Drake, do you mean “collagen pouch”?]

 

210.                  DRAKE

*scoffs*  No, only COMMONERS, aka HUMANS, have things like that. I mean CULLEGIN. God, you're such an idiot.

 

211.                  EVRYN

Um, humans aren't the only animals that have collagen.

 

212.                  EPIPHANY

[It is, in fact, present in many different kinds of animal, and is especially bountiful in mammals.]

[It's a vital part of our flesh and connective tissues.]

 

213.                  DRAKE

Psssh. What-EVER! Go get a boob job.

 

214.                  EVRYN

Dude. She's six. Physically, at least.

 

215.                  EPIPHANY

[And surgery never sticks with me.]

 

216.                  DRAKE

You could use one too, Australian Pink Girl.

 

217.                  EVRYN

English. At least my boobs are bigger than your balls.

 

218.                  OVD

Can. We. JUST. Get. ON WITH IT?!

 

219.                  ILLYBRIUS

V-v-very well—

 

220.                  DRAKE

Tomorrow night would probably be best. However, be gentle.

 

221.                  EPIPHANY

[Why are you arranging for someone to have sex with your sister?]

 

222.                  DRAKE

She has never had a good experience.

 

223.                  EVRYN

How do you KNOW?

 

224.                  DRAKE

From personal experience, why do you ask?

 

225.      TOKIOMI vomits into the Ficus

 

226.                  ILLYBRIUS

I believe it is safe to assume that I am just as nervous as she is. I have no idea how to go about—I mean, with Orion, it just happened.

 

227.                  DRAKE

Just make sure you both cum. I’m sure you know how to do that.

 

228.                  EPIPHANY

[Classy. This doesn't sound like Corri's fishing for schlick-fodder at all.]

 

229.                  EVRYN

*disgusted groan*

 

230.                  ILLYBRIUS mutters

Though it’d have been damn nice of him to TELL me what the hell he was doing beforehand!

 

231.                  SIGYN

We've been over this. Asking for consent ruins the fun.

 

232.                  DREPANON

Have I mentioned how glad I am that you took a liking to my son?

 

233.                  SIGYN

Yes, but with less sarcasm the first time.

 

234.                  EVRYN

He learned better subsequently.

 

235.                  DRAKE

I tried to stop him.

 

236.                  ILLYBRIUS

Of course, but… simultaneously? That I do not know how to… synchronise.

 

237.                  DRAKE

Trust me.

 

238.      CUE MUSIC: Don’t Trust Me BY 3OH!3

 

239.                  DRAKE

The magic will make sure it happens.

 

240.                  EPIPHANY

[Well, that handwaves one thing.]

[I'm not even going to complain that I can't complain about it anymore.]

[Too much else to complain about.]

 

241.                  EVRYN

About which to complain. For instance.

 

242.                  EPIPHANY

[. . . I ended a sentence with a preposition again, didn't I?]

 

243.                  EVRYN

Yes, but your petty misdemeanors against grammar are nowhere near as horrendous as Corri's crimes against plot.

 

244.                  DRAKE

And like I said, without the cullegin pouch, she won’t be able to bear any children this time.

 

245.                  ILLYBRIUS

Good. I do not want any harm to come to her. You say you tried to stop him. May I ask for more detail?

 

246.                  DRAKE

It’s not easy to fight when you are chained within your own mind.

 

247.                  EPIPHANY

[I'm going to assume he wasn't yelling at Onion to stop, because that would just egg him on.]

 

248.                  SIGYN

I hate having so much in common with Onion.

 

249.                  DREPANON

. . .

 

250.                  SIGYN

Joke. I was joking.

 

251.                  EPIPHANY

[We also regret it. Believe me.]

 

252.                  DRAKE

I did everything I could and used any spells I was able to try to make him stop; however, all I did was earn my own raping that night.

 

253.                  ROSEMARY, sarcastically.

That is truly amazing!

 

254.                  EPIPHANY

[. . . And again with Corri victim-blaming.]

 

255.                  DRAKE

Not that it matters.

 

256.                  ROSEMARY

I still insist that you tell me about another game you enjoy.

 

257.                  DRAKE

Believe me, he feels like he killed the children, which is why he went home.

 

258.                  EPIPHANY

[. . . You know, the second sentence after you highlight the fact that someone's a rapist isn't the best time to fish for sympathy for them.]

 

259.                  EVRYN

And guess who cares about your situation, anyway, Drake?

 

260.                  ROSEMARY

We don’t?

 

261.                  EVRYN

That’s right, Ro, we don’t.

 

262.                  DRAKE

I… honestly don’t know if he will come back Lee.

 

263.                  ROSEMARY

And I thought you were clever.

 

264.                  ILLYBRIUS

He said that he would!

 

265.                  USAGI

AND YOU BELIEVED THAT PIECE OF SH--

 

266.                  ILLYBRIUS

USAGI, DO NOT EVER RAISE YOUR VOICE TO ME! I have—I have to—

 

267.                  DRAKE

Yes, but the crime for killing a child is death and he feels responsible for not one but two.

 

268.                  EPIPHANY

[Why? The zygotes were non-viable.]

 

269.                  EVRYN

Silly Epi, logic is for smart people!

 

270.                  DRAKE

But listen to me before you start getting upset.

 

271.                  EPIPHANY

[I've never been good with being sensitive to other people's feelings, but even I can tell it's too late for that.]

 

272.                  DRAKE

Please, Lee. Listen. Don’t cry.

 

273.                  ILLYBRIUS

I’M NOT CRYING!

 

274.                  DRAKE

Don’t feel anything.

 

275.                  ILLYBRIUS glares at Drake.

 

276.                  EVRYN

Don’t tell him what to feel!

 

277.                  DRAKE

If it comes down to it, I will take his place.

 

278.                  ILLYBRIUS

Don’t fucking tell me what to feel, and don’t presume to try to replace him! There can only be one of him!

 

279.                  DREPANON

Actually, it would seem Meta is dating a genderbent version of him.

 

280.                  ILLYBRIUS

The fuck do I care about whoever this Meta person is?!

 

281.                  OVD

Because he's y—...Shit. Never mind.

 

282.                  DRAKE

I mean I will die in his stead.

 

283.                  EPIPHANY

[Excellent! You say he needs to be executed twice?]

 

284.                  ILLYBRIUS

No. No, you—That would upset Miss Akuma.

 

285.                  DRAKE

I know.

 

286.                  ILLYBRIUS

He didn’t—he—he didn’t kill—

 

287.                  DRAKE

I know.

 

288.                  ILLYBRIUS

It was her body, it couldn’t handle it at the time. It was my fault.

 

289.                  DRAKE

Yes, but if his people find him guilty, I will force him back here and die in his place for you.

 

290.                  ILLYBRIUS

No! You mustn’t! I may not like losing Orion, but Akuma… she won’t be able to stand losing you.

 

291.                  EPIPHANY

[This is all part of Corri's deliberate plan to cause you anguish that's carefully tailored to her palate.]

 

292.                  DRAKE

Losing me again.

 

293.                  EPIPHANY

[See?]

 

294.                  ILLYBRIUS

Again, obviously again! That goes without saying!

 

295.                  DRAKE

Please.

 

296.                  EPIPHANY

[She wants to feel the rush of power from hearing you say the words.]

 

297.                  ILLYBRIUS

Can I not say something in his defense?

 

298.                  DRAKE

No.

 

299.                  EPIPHANY

[That would be a logical solution to the problem.]

 

300.                  EVRYN

Not really. He's trying to defend a rapist and child-killer.

 

301.                  EPIPHANY

[Why is this show suddenly holding people accountable?]

 

302.                  OVD

We ... may have gotten some angry letters.

 

303.                  MARIE

Didn't Twenny eat those?

 

304.                  SEI-SEI

Not the ones written in gel ink. I ate those!

 

305.                  ILLYBRIUS

There must be somebody else who can go in his place, besides you!

 

306.                  DRAKE

No. There isn’t.

 

307.                  EPIPHANY

[Translation: Shut up and stop offering logical solutions to the problem.]

 

308.                  ILLYBRIUS

What if somebody volunteered? Or can it only be you because you were his host?

 

309.                  DRAKE

That’s not the way it works.

 

310.                  EPIPHANY

[Translation: Shut up and stop offering logical solutions to the problem.]

[We want to make you hurt Akuma, so that you will have something to feel guilty about.]

 

311.                  EVRYN

About which to—oh go on then, I don't really give a fuck.

 

312.                  ILLYBRIUS

THEN TELL ME HOW THE FUCK IT WORKS!

 

313.                  DRAKE

The punishment for killing a child is to be beaten and raped to death.

 

314.                  REIYA

Really? REALLY? *REALLY?!*

 

315.                  DRAKE

There can be no substitute. There can be no defense. He would have to die. Those are demon rules.

 

316.                  EPIPHANY

[This is fucking stupid.]

 

317.                  DREPANON

Moon Moon also wrote our legislation!

 

318.                  EPIPHANY

[No but by that logic, anyone can be accused of this and then automatically condemned to death!]

 

319.                  ILLYBRIUS

Then why would you be able to substitute?

 

320.                  EPIPHANY

[Fridge Logic, like all other forms of logic, is useless against Corri.]

 

321.                  DRAKE

I can switch my soul with his. So when the live burning starts, they will never know.

 

322.                  EPIPHANY

[Now they're BURNED? Make up your mind!]

 

323.                  ILLYBRIUS

You mustn’t do it. You know how Akuma will react.

 

324.                  EPIPHANY

[Yes, he does.]

 

325.                  DRAKE

I know. However, I am a warrior first and foremost.

 

326.                  EPIPHANY

[That has nothing to do with it.]

 

327.                  EVRYN

Also, isn't the demon you house a "High General"? And isn't that an administrative position, not a field job?

 

328.                  DRAKE

I was one for almost 160 human years. I know when to sacrifice pawns for the greater good.

 

329.                  EVRYN

Don’t use utilitarianism to justify your bullshit drama.

 

330.                  EPIPHANY

[What "greater good"? Letting Onion live?]

 

331.                  DREPANON

Now, would you really want that sexy voice to go to waste?

 

332.                  SIGYN

I'm with Drepanon on this.

 

333.                  EVRYN

Of COURSE you are. I'm with Epiphany.

 

334.                  SIGYN

Of COURSE you are.

 

335.                  EVRYN

Yes, because hers is the side of logic, and yours is the side of random lust.

 

336.                  SIGYN

My lust is NOT random!

 

337.                  DREPANON, suddenly horrified.

 

338.                  TOKIOMI

You didn't notice the pattern?

 

339.                  DREPANON

I try to pay as little attention to her as demonly possible.

 

340.                  SIGYN, ♥_♥

You ARE just like your son!

 

341.                  EVRYN

THAT'S NOT A BLOODY GOOD THING!

 

342.                  ILLYBRIUS

I was a warrior for the better part of 7000 years.

 

343.                  EVRYN

I thought you were a strategist!

 

344.                  ILLYBRIUS

However, Miss Akuma may well not recover from your sacrifice, and I do not consider that the greater good.

 

345.                  EPIPHANY

[Also, you know, saving Onion's life.]

 

346.                  DRAKE

She will understand.

 

347.                  EPIPHANY

[Translation: Shut up and stop poking holes in my illogical "solution" to the problem.]

 

348.                  ILLYBRIUS

I do not want it to come to that at all, but you mustn’t sacrifice yourself.

 

349.                  DRAKE

Do you love my sister?

 

350.                  EPIPHANY

[Translation: THAT'S IT. I AM OUT OF AMMO AND PULLING THE BRAKES ON THIS DISCUSSION.]

 

351.                  ILLYBRIUS

You might want to talk to HER about it, then!

 

352.                  DRAKE

Answer me.

 

353.                  EPIPHANY

[Translation: If you love her, you will agree to let me very much hurt her so that I can make you feel guilty about this later.]

 

354.                  ILLYBRIUS

Yes.

 

355.                  DRAKE

Do you love Orion?

 

356.                  ILLYBRIUS

Yes.

 

357.                  EPIPHANY

[WHY?!]

 

358.                  USAGI

He LUSTS after Orion…

 

359.                  SIGYN

I hear that.

 

360.                  DREPANON

You have TERRIBLE taste in men.

 

361.                  TOKIOMI

I've got some bad news for you, my good bitch.

 

362.                  DRAKE

Then please understand that I love my sister.

 

363.                  EVRYN

Ewwwwwwwwwwww.

 

364.                  EPIPHANY

[Translation: "And that's why I'm going to hurt her and blame you for it."]

 

365.                  DRAKE

For you to lose Orion, it would hurt you, which in turn will hurt her.

 

366.                  FLUOU THE TRANSLATION GUY

[Translation: Look at what a good martyr Akuma is!]

 

367.                  ILLYBRIUS

I would recover more quickly from Orion’s death than she would from yours. Please understand that it works both ways: If she lost you, it would be unbearable for her, and I would not want to see her in that much pain.

 

368.                  DRAKE

Promise me you’ll always love her and take care of her.

 

369.                  EPIPHANY

[Translation: WHO CUT MY BRAKE LINES?!]

 

370.                  ILLYBRIUS

Only if you will promise not to sacrifice yourself.

 

371.                  DRAKE

And if I make the promise and break it?

 

372.                  EPIPHANY

[Translation: You do realise that it doesn't matter what you say here because Corri will do what she wants anyway, right?]

 

373.                  EVRYN

Well, if you make that promise and then break it, you’re a douchebag. And, also, you'll be acting like Meta and his dad, and then Audience 1 will lust after you. Do you REALLY want that? I mean, REALLY? She's fucking creepy, yo.

 

374.                  ILLYBRIUS

Do not. Orion had to ask my permission before aborting the children.

 

375.                  DRAKE

Yes.

 

376.                  EPIPHANY

[Translation: Shut up.]

 

377.                  ILLYBRIUS

It was their lives or Akuma’s, and I chose Akuma’s.

 

378.                  DRAKE

Yes.

 

379.                  EPIPHANY

[Translation: Shut up.]

 

380.                  ILLYBRIUS

I would be the guilty party in this instance, for he could not have done it without my permission.

 

381.                  DRAKE

Yes, he could have, but your bond with him wouldn’t allow it.

 

382.                  EPIPHANY

[Translation: Yes, except shut up.]

 

383.                  DRAKE

He cried for them, you know. At the burning.

 

384.                  EPIPHANY

[You have presented a non-sequitur.]

 

385.                  EVRYN

I love that comic!

 

386.                  SIGYN

Ew, comics.

 

387.                  ILLYBRIUS

You understand the point I am making. Enough with senseless bickering, though. Tell me, what is the likelihood, in your opinion, that he will be found guilty?

 

388.                  DRAKE

I will talk to them, but if that doesn’t work, promise me you’ll take care of her.

 

389.                  EPIPHANY

[Translation: It's a Corrgaroo court. They'd save time by scheduling the execution BEFORE the opening statements, then deciding why he's guilty after the fact.]

 

390.                  ILLYBRIUS

You don’t have to ask me something like that. Liri erto alagucia. Love at my life’s expense.

 

391.                  DRAKE

Then the answer is very high, because he broke one life bond and then two children died due to his actions. However, I will try my hardest to make sure he is not found guilty. However—

 

392.                  EUGENIE

To the However Shame Corner!

 

393.                  REIYA

Also, while you're moving, um, you said earlier that the accused is not allowed a defense.

 

394.                  SIGYN

This is the worst court drama EVER.

 

395.                  MARIE

I know! It's not even this bad in Phoenix Wright!

 

396.                  SIGYN

Ugh, video games.

 

397.                  MARIE

Oh, hush. People are allowed to enjoy things.

 

398.                  SIGYN

Yeah, as long as they're intellectual things!

 

399.                  MARIE

You do realise that Phoenix Wright is a scathing satire of the Japanese legal system, no?

 

400.                  SIGYN

I don't really care, because it's not a book or edutainment, sooooo... yeah.

 

401.                  DRAKE, now in the Shame Corner.

--should it come to it, my choice is made.

 

402.                  EPIPHANY

[Translation: Shut UP! You can't do anything! Stop trying!]

 

403.                  ILLYBRIUS

Thank you, but please do not sacrifice yourself for him! I hope they know that he didn’t know he was breaking the life bond! It was—it was a series of—

 

404.                  EVRYN

Unfortunate events?

 

405.                  ILLYBRIUS

--terrible accidents!

 

406.                  EVRYN

Close enough.

 

407.                  DRAKE

I know.

 

408.                  EPIPHANY

[Translation: I don't care.]

 

409.                  DRAKE

Now I will go talk to them, but will you stay with her while I go? She needs you. You may even bring Usagi. She has grown quite fond of him as he reminds her of Dray.