Episode 77.1. An Unexpected Visitor, part 1 | November 8, 2008 at 7:08 p.m.

 

1.     TITLE

An Unexpected Visitor

 

2.     SETTING

Akuma’s room

 

3.     Sat, Nov 08 2008, 7.08 PM

 

4.               AKUMA

Hello?

 

5.               ILLYBRIUS

Hello!

 

6.               EPIPHANY

[Go away.]

 

7.               AKUMA

Hey. Um, Orion has a bit of a problem.

 

8.               EVRYN

Yeah, first he was born and then he lived through it.

 

9.               SERLEINA

True dat.

 

10.          EPIPHANY

[Onion IS a problem.]

 

11.          AKUMA

I think he needs you.

 

12.          EVRYN

I think he needs a life. So do you.

 

13.          ILLYBRIUS

What can I do?

 

14.          EVRYN

Eat shit and die.

 

15.   >CUE MUSIC: Eat Shit and Die

 

16.          AKUMA

I just think he needs you. I know he needs to feed, but I think he’s too worried about his daughter.

 

17.          MARIE

I’m having a difficult time imagining Orion “worrying”, especially about someone else.

 

18.          SIGYN

Well, it’s someone else on Team Corri, so….

 

19.          MARIE

It’s not that just that he’s written shallowly, although he is. It’s more that the character traits he does have paint him as a manipulator who doesn’t care about even the people closest to him.

 

20.          EVRYN

Okay, equally importantly, though, since when does Orion have a DAUGHTER?

 

21.          EPIPHANY

[Since just now.]

 

22.          EVRYN

But—

 

23.          EPIPHANY

[ I'm pretty sure she's making this shit up as she goes along.]

 

24.          EVRYN

What woman would want to have sex with him?

 

25.          REIYA

Corri.

 

26.          SERLEINA

More accurately, a woman invented by Corri.

 

27.          EPIPHANY

[You do remember that Onion's a rapist, right?]

 

28.          EVRYN chugs from flask

I'm still too sober for this!

 

29.          MARIE

There was Cin, that one time, a few days ago.

 

30.          CIN

Dude, I'm engaged to BASTION. It's not like I have high standards.

 

31.          OVD

That's good news for D— I mean, your future husband on the show.

 

32.          CIN

I get to get married to someone who ISN'T Bastion?! SWEET!

 

33.          ILLYBRIUS

His….

 

34.          AKUMA

Yeah, I know. It’s a shock.

 

35.          EVRYN

Yeah, we weren’t aware that he had a pair of working testicles.

 

36.          SERLEINA

Wait, but Akuma would be aware of that, though, because he's the one who got her pregnant with those tiny unviable zygotes before.

 

37.          EVRYN

Oh, right, this isn't Rosemary's version of the show.

 

38.          SERLEINA

Her version's awesome, though.

 

39.          EPIPHANY, :)

[ It is. I quite prefer it.]

 

40.          MARIE

Maybe Akuma’s also in shock that Orion is worrying.

 

41.          ILLYBRIUS

Tell him to c’mere, then.

 

42.          EVRYN

Let's not.

 

43.          AKUMA

Hang on. Let me drag him away, okay?

 

44.          EPIPHANY

[From what?]

 

45.          EVRYN

a)               His penis! Or possibly his daughter.

b)               OH GOD!

 

46.          SIGYN, same tone (in case we need to clarify)

Oh, GOD.

 

47.          EPIPHANY

[She DID say he needed to feed, and that he was busy with his daughter. . .]

 

48.          EVRYN clamps hands over ears

LA LA LA, I'M NOT LISTENING!

 

49.          SERLEINA

THAT’S NOT HOW THAT WORKS!

 

50.          MARIE

He actually feeds on emotional abuse. It’s fine.

 

51.          SERLEINA

I’M CALLING THE POLICE! HEY, POLICE? CAN YOU HEAR ME?!

 

52.          AKUMA

Would you be okay talking to him in my room? If not, I can clean up his room real quick.

 

53.          SERLEINA, D=

 

54.          EPIPHANY

[. . . Do I want to know?]

 

55.          EVRYN

If you have to ask, the answer is no.

 

56.          EPIPHANY

[This goes against my normal scientific curiosity.]

 

57.          EVRYN

But it's DoF.

 

58.          EPIPHANY

[But it's DoF.]

 

59.          ILLYBRIUS

I’d prefer to go to his room if that’s alright. Otherwise, my mind is… jumbled.

 

60.          EPIPHANY

[Translation: Akuma's room is a terrible, terrible place full of mind-altering chemicals.]

 

61.          EVRYN

Because those chemicals all come from his body, whereas Akuma needs to have hers made in a lab and shipped to her.

 

62.          EPIPHANY

[But wouldn't they then be all over his room, just from him being there and touching things on a regular basis?]

 

63.          EVRYN

Yes, but they're still somehow preferable to Akuma's lab-made chemicals. His body makes magical date rape pheromones. She puts out orders for manufactured ... something.

 

64.          SIGYN

Here's a hint: Most of them end in -pam.

 

65.          AKUMA

It’s fine. I also wanted to apologize about calling you Irubura last night.

 

66.          EVRYN

You should be sorry. That’s a horrible thing to pass off as a nickname.

 

67.          EPIPHANY

[Apology not accepted, because I know you're just going to keep doing it.]

[Fucking weeaboo]

 

68.          DREPANON

Since WHEN do YOU read the SUBTITLES?!

 

69.          REIYA

I might have pointed it out.

 

70.          EPIPHANY, Santa Claus scowl

[ I read subtitles almost all the time!]

[Such as, when I'm not writing!]

 

71.          DREPANON

Then maybe you should read a little more and write a little less. They say the most relevant ones are the ones without a voice.

 

72.          EVRYN

SHE'S MUTE, YOU ARSEHOLE.

 

73.          DREPANON

Yes, but her signs are loud, and she uses too many of them.

 

74.          EPIPHANY

[Yes but on the other hand]

 

75.          EPIPHANY, Santa Claus scowl

[SHUT UP]

 

76.          EVRYN

Also, it's LITERALLY HER JOB to be loud.

 

77.          SERLEINA, with a megaphone

WE'RE COMMENTARY!

 

78.          EPIPHANY

[Drepanon, you may speak out-of-turn again when you have as many post-doctoral degrees as I do, and no sooner.]

 

79.          EVRYN

You realise that, by Corri fiat, and possibly Falcon fiat, that's not going to hold up, right?

 

80.          EPIPHANY

[This is my caring face.]

 

81.          ILLYBRIUS

I don’t know what it means, but I assume it’s some kind of endearment, so there’s no need to apologise.

 

82.          SERLEINA

It means she rubs a Ra. It’s not really that complex. Although we have gotten some angry letters—

 

83.          OVD

No, those are from Thoth.

 

84.          SERLEINA

Oh, okay, never mind.

 

85.          AKUMA

It’s your name.

 

86.          EVRYN

DUDE! Reiya totally called it! That... surprises me.

 

87.          ILLYBRIUS

Oh. What?

 

88.          REIYA

I second that!

 

89.          AKUMA

Irubura is Illybrius in my language. I translated it without even realizing it last night.

 

90.          REIYA

That doesn’t— why does it sound so similar?

 

91.          DREPANON, slowly

"I rub a Ra."

"Illybrius."

Those sound similar to you?

 

92.          EPIPHANY, Santa Claus scowl

[Show me those degrees.]

 

93.          DREPANON

Let's see, I have a PhD in virtue-signaling... then another in armchair activism... and one in network engineering.

 

94.          EPIPHANY

[ . . . ]

 

95.          DREPANON

I've also got a political science degree, but I'm not sure how much that's worth since I acquired it from a box of a surprisingly pleasant American snack food.

 

96.          EPIPHANY

...

 

97.          REIYA

Okay, then I'll say it. WOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW. How ~impressive~.

 

98.          CORRI

Somehow I don't remember writing ANY of that...

 

99.          REIYA

So then, it was written in without your... consent?

 

100.     CORRI

CONSENT! IT BURNSES USSSSSS!

 

101. /hivesquit CORRI

 

102.     SIGYN

I am so sorry, Corri.

 

103.     EVRYN

If you weren't giggling, that would actually sound sincere.

 

104.     SIGYN

It *was* sincere. I wouldn't wish hives on my worst enemy.

 

105.     REIYA

THAT'S BECAUSE YOU WANT TO BANG HIM.

 

106.     SIGYN

And your point?

 

107.     EVRYN

Getting back on-topic, “Illyria-briucce,” which is his full name, translates into “paradise in Hell.”  I think someone said his nickname, “Illybrius,” referred to an oasis, but still, Irubura— which Akuma also consistently mispronounces— is a city in Burundi.

 

108.     EPIPHANY

[She's just making shit up. It's the same treatment poor Maheone gets.]

[Even her Engrish sucks.]

[ It ought to be "Irriburiusu"]

 

109.     ILLYBRIUS

I like it. I was calling you “apple” all night. Term of endearment, similar to “my dear.”

 

110.     DREPANON

I would have posited as a reference to forbidden fruit.

 

111.     SIGYN

No, that's when *I*—

 

112. DREPANON: death glare.

 

113.     SIGYN

Have I ever told you how beautiful your eyes are?

 

114.     EVRYN, Ignoring That

Also, that wasn't an apple. It was probably a pomegranate or some other, definitively non-apple, fruit.

 

115.     AKUMA

Ah. Well, like I said, I didn’t even realize I was doing it until I called you that this morning and Orion asked me if I hit my head.

 

116.     EVRYN

No, but I’m sure she was dropped on her head as a child.

 

117.     EPIPHANY

[My guess is sparkly speshul Enzeru birth complications.]

 

118.     ILLYBRIUS

Please get him here.

 

119.     FLUOU

[Translation: I’m tired of looking at your stupid ugly face.]

 

120.     AKUMA takes out phone

I’m texting him now.

 

121.     ILLYBRIUS

Corri said something about Caleb’s child too?

 

122.     AKUMA

Yeah. It’s complicated.

 

123.     EVRYN

It’s probably not.

 

124.     AKUMA

Orion will tell you.

 

125.     EVRYN

Whether you want him to or not.

 

126.     AKUMA

Listen, you need to make him feed.

 

127.     EPIPHANY

[Translation for those just tuning in: You need to rape him]

[That's literally what she means.]

 

128.     REIYA

I’m not sure I’ll ever become desensitized to how terrible that is.

 

129.     SERLEINA

Just shove a cattle prod up his bum and he’ll feel right at home!

 

130.     REIYA

And she made it worse.

 

131.     SERLEINA

Are you kidding? I made it easier! The sooner you get desensitized to this bullshit, the better.

 

132.     EVRYN

We've made that joke before, Reiya.

 

133.     REIYA, as mockingly as possible.

I know, but I'm not currently on enough MEDICATION to HANDLE this right now.

 

134.     EVRYN

I understand completely.

 

135.     AKUMA

He has no energy left. Make sure you help him, please?

 

136.     ILLYBRIUS

I will, of course.

 

137.     EVRYN

Yes, because rape is what he does best!

 

138. ILLYBRIUS and AKUMA kiss.

 

139.     EPIPHANY

[Ew.]

[You just sealed with a kiss a promise to rape someone.]

 

140.     EVRYN

By this show's standards, it's totally romantic.

 

141.     EPIPHANY

[This show has standards?]

 

142.     OVD

It's in my contract that I have to make Stephenie Meyer and Tara Gilesbie feel good about themselves.

 

143.     EPIPHANY

[May the gods take pity on your soul]

 

144.     OVD

Anubis has a lawsuit against my wife.

 

145.     EVRYN

Disembodied voices get married?

 

146.     EPIPHANY

[ ... I don't see why they wouldn't have the same rights as everyone else?]

 

147.     EVRYN

Oh, I'm not questioning their rights. I'm just curious as to why they'd WANT to.

 

148.     EPIPHANY

[Tax benefits.]

 

149.     OVD, huffily

For your information, I happen to have a body! It helped create twin daughters.

 

150.     EVRYN

You know what they say about twins, right? Twice the face, half the beauty.

 

151. OVD laughs

 

152.     EVRYN

…Except with my sister and me. We’re both gorgeous!

 

153.     SERLEINA

Disembodied voices are cool. I’d wish I was one if my body wasn’t so awesome.

 

154.     EVRYN

Shh, don’t rub it in.

 

155.     SERLEINA

As long as I’m not rubbing Ra, though.

 

156.     EVRYN

Good point.

 

157.     AKUMA

Thank you.

 

158.     EVRYN + SERLEINA

a)  YOU’RE WELCOME~

b)   YOU’RE WELCOME~

 

159.     AKUMA

I’m still going to be here, but I’ll be talking to Corri if you need me, okay?

 

160.     SERLEINA

Will you be using that weird side-eye sprite where you hold the phone at arms’ length? Nobody actually texts like that, you know.

 

161.     AKUMA

Cin convinced me it would be cool, though.

 

162.     SERLEINA

Oh. Yeah, no, it’s totally cool! When I said weird, I meant, uh, like how Corri shoves paper clips up her nose to make herself look more edgy!

 

163.     AKUMA, =D

Oh, okay then!

 

164.     MARIE

I was Office Supply Punk before it was cool.

 

165.     AKUMA

Whoa, why is that house talking?!

 

166.     MARIE

In fact, I only stopped wearing that vest because my husband found it difficult to hug me when I was covered in binder clips.

 

167.     AKUMA

TALKING HOUSES GET MARRIED?!

 

168.     EVRYN

Well, if disembodied voices can...

 

169.     REIYA

Maybe there's a disembodied voice living in that house!

 

170.     EVRYN

Reiya. You've MET Marie.

 

171.     REIYA

I can't REMEMBER. I'm underMEDICATED. And this EPISODE is too PROBLEMATIC for me to HANDLE without HEROIC doses of MEDICATION.

 

172.     EVRYN

Are you— are you copying Lena?

 

173.     REIYA

... I... Uh... BITCH I MIGHT BE!

 

174.     SERLEINA

ARF!

 

175.     MARIE

I, for one, am on exactly as much medication as I need to be.

 

176.     SIGYN

I don't believe in medication.

 

177.     DREPANON

That explains SO MUCH.

 

178.     TOKIOMI

Shouldn't you be loudly clutching your pearls on the Internet while you post political memes and jerk off to your own pseudointellect?

 

179.     DREPANON

... I did that this morning, though.

 

180.     ILLYBRIUS, sarcastically.

Alright, thank you for telling me. No, really. That is vital information that everyone on this set needed to know.

 

181.     AKUMA

Now go make Orion better. He needs his husband.

 

182.     ILLYBRIUS

I… I’ll try.

 

183.     AKUMA

Just be there. That’s all he needs. Other than sex.

 

184.     EPIPHANY

[You mean rape.]

 

185.     EVRYN

Well, rape is a form of sex.

 

186.     EPIPHANY

[Not according to the drinking game rules!]

 

187.     REIYA

Also, it’s not helpful to classify rape as a form of sex.

 

188.     EVRYN

Since when is Akuma interested in being helpful?

 

189.     REIYA

Akuma's ALWAYS interested in rape.

 

190.     EVRYN

Which probably means it's never actually happened to her.

 

191.     SERLEINA

Normally, this is the part where I say "challenge accepted", but it's AKUMA. I don't want to give her the satisfaction.

 

192.     REIYA

And it HAS happened to her. Remember Onion from a few episodes ago? He raped her and then she miscarried her sparklezygotes?

 

193.     EVRYN

I'm not drunk enough to remember that shit, are you kidding? CONSISTENCY AND LACK OF PLOTHOLES ARE TOO —

 

194.     REIYA

Underground. I mean, do you remember the ending to Gossip—

 

195.     OVD

ANACHRONISMS.

 

196.     ILLYBRIUS

Sure.

 

197. 5 minutes later

 

198.     AKUMA

Irubura, I’m taking his daughter to Drake’s room so we can help her better.

 

199.     EPIPHANY

[You two are possibly the LEAST-qualified people to give that girl therapy.]

 

200.     EVRYN

Well, when she asked Lee to help Orion, she really meant rape him, so I'm pretty sure "help" means "rape" in Akumanese.

 

201.     EPIPHANY

[Shit.]

[CAN WE GET CHRIS HANSEN IN HERE?]

 

202.     OVD

No, he's got an appointment with Ronald McDonald.

 

203.     EPIPHANY

[Can we get a Chris Hansen impersonator?]

 

204.     OVD

I'll see if I can track down the Elvis from my wedding.

 

205.     AKUMA

You fix Orion.

 

206.     EVRYN

Preferably with a pair of rusty pliers.

 

207.     EPIPHANY pouts

[ If I'm not allowed to, Illybrius can't, either.]

 

208.     DREPANON

Why so petulant?

 

209.     EVRYN

SHE IS SIX.

 

210.     EPIPHANY

[And smarter than you will EVER be.]

 

211.     DREPANON

MY kids didn't act like that when they were six.

 

212.     SERLEINA

UM, you can't brag about that when you send them away every time they exist in your presence.

 

213.     ILLYBRIUS

Very well. Orion is upset.

 

214.     AKUMA

I know. Just start touching him and his sex drive will kick in. He’s about to keel over.

 

215.     EPIPHANY

[This is so skeevy.]

 

216.     AKUMA

SHUT UP! IT'S ROMANTIC! WHAT DO YOU KNOW?!

 

217.     EPIPHANY

[That rape isn't romantic.]

 

218.     AKUMA

YES IT IS! IT TOTALLY IS!

 

219.     EPIPHANY

[No it's not. That's why Janus and Averna aren't considering finding an attractive female enemy combatant for her to lobotomize and use as her own body for icky romance shit.]

 

220.     SIGYN

I mean, that's their problem.

 

221.     ILLYBRIUS

Drake will help?

 

222.     AKUMA

Drake is helping Rose. We both are.

 

223.     EPIPHANY

[Are you sure we can't get Chris Hansen in here?]

 

224.     OVD

The Elvis who married my wife and me says he would rather play Myshuno with a llama.

 

225.     EPIPHANY

[Dammit.]

 

226.     EVRYN

*laughs* What d'you wanna bet he's watching this at home while callously murdering OVD's Sim family?

 

227. EPIPHANY pulls a $5 out of one of her pockets

 

228.     ILLYBRIUS also hands Evryn $5

Alright.