Episode 67a. Orion the Magnificent Flip-Flopper 2: The Wedding | November 6, 2008 at 7:00 p.m.

 1.      TITLE

Orion, the Magnificent Flip-Flopper, part 2: The Wedding

 

2.      November 6, 2008 | 7.00 PM

Akuma’s room

 

3.                ILLYBRIUS

You are all so similar, with your guilts, self-resentments, sacrifices.

 

4.                EPIPHANY

[It's almost as if they're all written by the same shitty author]

 

5.                ILLYBRIUS

However—

 

6.                EUGENIE

Okay, that's the second time this episode. To the Shame Corner, young man!

 

7.                ILLYBRIUS, now in the However Shame Corner

—you stand out among the rest. You remind me of him in a way I cannot understand at all.

 

8.                ORION

You mean Maheone. I see.

 

9.                EPIPHANY

[That distant, scream-like noise you might be hearing is just the sound of Corri's rage, because Maheone is not one of her characters.]

 

10.           EVRYN

No, but she's clearly already taken over writing him.

 

11.           ILLYBRIUS

You’re hardly anything alike. It’s absolutely ridiculous.

 

12.           EPIPHANY

[It is.]

 

13.           ORION

I understand. Now, I promised you something last night.

 

14.           EPIPHANY

[Did he? Did he really?]

 

15.           ILLYBRIUS

Were you really lying, when you said you cared for me? Or were you lying when you admitted to having lied?

 

16.           EVRYN

That’s the thing with liars—you can never tell when they’re telling the truth.

 

17.           ORION

I do have affections for you.

 

18.           ILLYBRIUS

That will be helpful. Yes, you did promise me something last night.

 

19.           ORION

Then please, let us do this before she comes back.

 

20.           EPIPHANY

[Oh hell no.]

[Where's Fred?]

 

21.           EVRYN

Shooting up?

 

22.           ILLYBRIUS

How?

 

23.           EVRYN

With a needle?

 

24.           TOKIOMI

Good. I was worried, for a second.

 

25.           EVRYN

Oh, right. Americans.

 

26.           ORION

You are the one that asked me.

 

27.           ILLYBRIUS

Yes, I know I did, but I do not know how to go about it.

 

28.           ORION

Fuck, she’s back.

 

29.           EPIPHANY

[I never thought I'd be so glad for Akuma's return.]

 

30.           DREPANON

Well, that's my cue to raid the candy store.

 

31.           ORION

I’m tired of looking at her.

 

32.           EVRYN

That makes, like, all of us. Except maybe Tokiomi.

 

33.           ORION

Okay. I think she’s looking to talk to Kibby. Shall we get on with this?

 

34.           EVRYN

Can you not?

 

35.           ILLYBRIUS

Yes, but again, I have no idea what I’m doing. The first time I was married, I was drugged and didn’t come back to myself until the ceremony had ended.

 

36.           EVRYN

What the fuck? How was that not annulled? Like, right then and there?

 

37.           ILLYBRIUS

The second time, I got so drunk so as not to remember what had happened the next morning.

 

38.           EVRYN

How was THAT not annulled?

 

39.           EPIPHANY

[Is Illybrius just not capable of getting married sober?]

 

40.           SIGYN

Can you really blame him because he was roofied the first time, though?

 

41.           EPIPHANY

[I can blame him for not seeking an annulment!]

 

42.           SIGYN

Annulments are for the weak!

 

43.           ILLYBRIUS

The most recent, I wasn’t paying very close attention.

 

44.           USAGI

You’re hopeless.

 

45.           REIYA

I agree with the duck.

 

46.           EPIPHANY

[Usagi is not a duck.]

 

47.           REIYA

Oh, he is to me. Tee-hee~

 

48.           ORION

Then let me go ask her. She knows. I’ll text her.

 

49.           USAGI

Never mind, I’ll marry you two the human way. Or rather, one of many.

 

50.           ORION

Good, because she isn’t answering me.

 

51.           USAGI

Now clasp hands and lock eyes or whatever you do to show closeness. Now Miney’s witness to make sure it’s all legit, at least in Celestia. I don’t know how your people do it, but then, I don’t really care.  

 

52.           EVRYN

No arguments there!

 

53.           USAGI

“Dearly beloved—and those of you we couldn’t give less of a damn about—we are gathered here today to watch these poor fools make the mistake of a buggering lifetime.” This is the part where you two promise to be together, till divorce do you part.

 

54.           ILLYBRIUS

How pragmatic. I—what he said.

 

55.           ORION

I promise.

 

56.           ILLYBRIUS

I’m rather certain there were supposed to be lines about sickness and death or something, but quite honestly I’m just overjoyed to be marrying Orion.

 

57.           EPIPHANY

[Does the marriage count if one participant's faculties are abnormally impaired?]

 

58.           SIGYN

I know the answer, but because it would be funnier, ask Tokiomi.

 

59.           TOKIOMI

... I have gotten a marriage annulled on those grounds, yes.

 

60.           EVRYN

Wait a minute, how are YOU better at getting annulments than Illybrius?!

 

61.           EPIPHANY

[I take it you're better at picking lawyers than sexual partners.]

 

62.           TOKIOMI

Sigyn hired my lawyer, actually. I wanted to go with Wolfram & Hart. They seem like really nice people!

 

63.           SIGYN

You were married to one of their clients!

 

64.           EPIPHANY

[. . . Sigyn, I think you and my friend Janus might have something in common.]

 

65.           SIGYN

Really? Like what?

 

66.           EPIPHANY

[You know about that incident with the Abraham Lincoln impersonator and the flying shark that was all over the news last month?]

 

67.           SIGYN

Yeah, he stole it from a night club or something, right?

 

68.           EPIPHANY

[He actually thinks he's Abraham Lincoln. Janus is the only one who can manage him.]

 

69.           SIGYN

Yeah... Tokiomi's my legal guardian. Pity me. No, seriously.

 

70.           OVD

The sooner we get back to the wedding, the sooner we can get to the divorce episode.

 

71.           EVRYN

That awkward moment when even the director of your rom com doesn't believe your marriage will last.

 

72.           USAGI

Uh, right. You may kiss the—uh, just make out already. I’m outta here.

 

73.   ILLYBRIUS and ORION kiss

 

74.           EPIPHANY

[. . . Don't they need to jump over a broom handle or something?]

 

75.           EVRYN

Why would they need to do that?

 

76.           EPIPHANY

[I dunno. That's what yanks do when they're doing a wedding with that little ceremony, right?]

 

77.           EVRYN

Honestly? I'm usually too busy loading up on free food and drink to notice.

 

78.           SIGYN

I will have you know that when yanks get married, they do a 21-gun salute while reciting the Pledge of Allegiance and all members of the wedding party must have thirteen American Bald Eagles with them at all times.

 

79.           TOKIOMI

... Sigyn, you were AT my wedding. We had NONE of those things.

 

80.           SIGYN

We're French, Toki.

 

81.           TOKIOMI

Actually, I'm of Japanese descent.

 

82.           EPIPHANY

[And I'm both!]

[Although I'm not sure whether to take that description seriously or not.]

 

83.           SIGYN

I don't know. I was just making it up. But it sounds plausible, right?

 

84.           EVRYN

I think that's only in the Deep South, though.

 

85.           SIGYN

Really? I thought it might be in the Midwest, too.

 

86.           OVD

Either way, it's not really how anyone in CALIFORNIA would conduct a wedding. Except maybe Conny and Drossel.

 

87.           EVRYN

You're right. There should have been more palm trees. And the officiator should have either been a surfer dude or a Valley Girl.

 

88.           CINNAMON

Don't look at me, I'm on lunch.

 

89.           EVRYN

When are you NOT on lunch?

 

90.           CINNAMON

When I'm on supper, like, duh!

 

91.           EVRYN

Yeah. You should have officiated this wedding.

 

92.           CINNAMON

Dude. That's, like... Actually, that's, like, a really good point.

 

93.           ORION

Yes, very nice.

 

94.   ORION checks phone.

 

95.           ORION

She wants to talk to you, Usagi.

 

96.           USAGI

I’ll go see her.

 

97.           ORION

Good.

 

98.           USAGI

Right after I e-mail the video of this bizarre wedding to everybody I know.

 

99.           ORION

Please don’t.

 

100.      USAGI

Just Bastion, then. Why, are you ashamed of your new husband so soon?

 

101.      ORION

I am not ashamed. I would just rather you not run your big mouth without permission.

 

102.      EVRYN

Oh, and you don’t?

 

103.      EPIPHANY

[Apparently that's a privilege only afforded to the Corri HiveMind™.]

 

104.      EVRYN

You’re aware we’re on TV, right, Onion? I mean, considering Serleina made a call to your mum, who’s presumably in the Audience…

 

105.      TOKIOMI

She's here. She keeps kicking the back of my chair. I think she has restless leg syndrome.

 

106.      OVD

I can’t believe we have three viewers! This is the happiest day of my life! Even if one of them is presumably asleep.

 

107.      USAGI, to Orion

Yeah, yeah. You sound like the people at the orphanage.

 

108.      ORION

Look, I don’t want to fight with you.

 

109.      EPIPHANY

[Really, he'd like to be able to forget you exist most of the time, since you rarely do anything to satisfy Corri's constant hunger for the concern of others.]

 

110.      ORION

Is there any way we can come to a truce?

 

111.      EPIPHANY

[Translation: Do what I say or else.]

 

112.      USAGI

Don’t take it personal. I’m naturally argumentative.

 

113.      EVRYN

Though ironically, he’s the pacifist of the show.

 

114.      ORION

Still, for the sake of all parties involved.

 

115.      USAGI

Uh, whatever. I’m not into all that formal stuff.

 

116.      EVRYN

We could tell.

 

117.      ORION

Please. A truce, Usagi?

 

118.      USAGI

Meh, guess you’re not so bad as demons go.

 

119.      EVRYN

Are you joking? He’s a HORRIBLE demon! By which I mean, he’s horrible AT BEING a demon! You know who’s good at being a demon? Sigyn’s boyfriend.

 

120.      SERLEINA

AND HIS HOT DAD!

 

121.      SIGYN

Wow.

 

122.      SERLEINA

Come on, you were thinking it.

 

123.      SIGYN

Yes but wow.

 

124.      EVRYN

What about his mum?

 

125.      SERLEINA

Technically I think his mum's an angel? Or something? Or wait, was that his stepmom? Shit...

 

126.      ROSEMARY

I think bots can be demons or angels, but I think it would be rude of them to try.

 

127.      SERLEINA

Right... I hope your version of the show is better than what's actually going on right now.

 

128.      ROSEMARY

It usually is.

 

129.      USAGI

Don’t deliberately break his heart again and we’ll be fine.

 

130.      ORION

You have my promise.

 

131.      EPIPHANY

[It's worth nothing!]

 

132.      SERLEINA

You get used to that with these kinds of demons.

 

133.      ORION

Now you have someone waiting to talk to you. Maybe you can help her.

 

134.      USAGI

Oh, goodie, a side quest! I’m on it.

 

135.      ORION

Very well.

 

136. exit USAGI

 

137.      ILLYBRIUS

Mmmmmm… Definitely not the most romantic of weddings, but it was amusing in a way. Let’s fuck.

 

138.      EPIPHANY

[Do you have to?]

 

139.      OVD

Yes. It's in their contract.

 

140.      EVRYN

Worst. Contract. Ever.

 

141.      SERLEINA

Including Akuma’s, which states that she has to be in-character both on-AND-off-screen, for 16 hours per day excluding thirty-minute meal breaks?

 

142.      EVRYN

…. Contractually obligated shagging is a bit more irritating than—

 

143.      AKUMA

NUUUAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

 

144.      EVRYN

Never mind.

 

145.      OVD

Akuma, you’re still on lunch! Don’t try to clock in early!

 

146.      AKUMA, in her leisure clothes (which actually match), and her regular hair

Sorry, I stubbed my toe. It was painful.

 

147.      ORION

Very well. Top or bottom?

 

148.      ILLYBRIUS

Doesn’t matter.

 

149.      ORION

Then allow me the bottom again, please?

 

150.      ILLYBRIUS

I’ve been horny as hell for an hour and a half.

 

151.      ORION

Mmmmm… please don’t hold back.

 

b) agequit EPI

152.  LIGHTS OUT and the following is heard

153.      WHITE TEXT

a)  Illybrius tears off Orion's clothes and his own, then tosses them unceremoniously in a corner.

 

154.      (Orion)

*gasps in surprise* Violent tonight, are we?

 

155.      WHITE TEXT

Illybrius hauls Orion to all fours, lubes, and enters.

 

156.      (Illybrius)

Merely eager.

 

157.      WHITE TEXT

Orion gasps in pain and pleasure

 

158.      (Orion)

FUCK!

 

159.      WHITE TEXT

Illybrius leans forward, entering Orion most of the way, and nibbles his neck.

 

160.      (Illybrius)

Sweetmeat...

 

161.       (Orion)

*whimpers* I... should tell you... god, the feels, so good... my safeword.

 

162.      (Illybrius)

That sounds like a good idea.

 

163.      (Orion)

“Terror”.  My safeword.

 

164.      (Evryn)

Got it. “Terra”.  Also, that’s what Master Xeh—

 

165.      (OVD)

Evryn! We are in 2008.

 

166.      (Evryn)

Damn it.

 

167.      (Sigyn), gleefully

Wait, so does this mean if someone says “Terra”, then the scene has to stop?

 

168.      (Tokiomi)

I think it’s only if Orion says it.

 

169.      (Sigyn)

God damn it, Terra!

 

170.      (Orion)

Now move faster, please.

 

171.       WHITE TEXT

Illybrius increases his pace, pointedly thrusting harder and faster, seeming somewhat reckless.

 

172.      (Tokiomi)

See? I told you.

 

173.      (Sigyn)

I hate those rare occasions when you’re right.

 

174.      WHITE TEXT

Orion whimpers.

 

175.      (Orion)

The feels... pain... pleasure... more.

 

176.      WHITE TEXT

Illybrius grabs hold of Orion's cock and plays with it, mock-gently.

 

177.      (Orion)

You... are so good... please...

 

178.      (Illybrius)

You're not too bad yourself, but are you planning to make me do all the work?

 

179.      WHITE TEXT

Illybrius winks.

 

180.      (Orion)

Tell me... then.

 

181.       WHITE TEXT

Orion thrusts back on Illybrius's dick, hard.

 

182.      (Orion)

Order me.

 

183.      WHITE TEXT

a)  Illybrius nips the back of Orion's neck gently and matches his rhythm.

b) Orion thrusts back harder and moans.

 

184.      (Illybrius)

Tell me how you enjoy it.

 

185.      (Orion)

You... Your dick feels so big. It hurts, but feels so good.

 

186.  >CUE MUSIC: Hurts So Good

 

187.      (Orion)

It’s like you’re splitting me in two. I Ned more!

 

188.      (Evryn)

Who the fuck is Ned?

 

189.      (Orion)

That’s seriously what the script says.

 

190.      (Evryn)

Hey, Neferbelii called. She says she wants you and Corri to lay off her stash.

 

191.       (Reiya)

Maybe just ask Corri to type with both her hands on the keyboard?

 

192.      WHITE TEXT

Illybrius does an impression of a jackhammer.

 

193.      (Orion)

FUCK! Don't stop... I'm gonna cum soon.

 

194.      (Illybrius)

Mmmmmmm, I love the sounds you make, the way you feel— the way you say, "dot dot dot".

 

195.      (Orion)

Then feel this!

 

196.      WHITE TEXT

a)  Orion clenches tightly around Illybrius's dick.

b) Illybrius moans softly

 

197.      (Illybrius)

Feels good.

 

198.      WHITE TEXT

Illybrius plays with Orion harder.

 

199.      (Orion)

Glad you like.

 

200.     WHITE TEXT

a)  Orion whimpers in pleasure.

b) Illybrius pulls out slowly till just the head is in, then slams back in.

c)  Orion gives a cry of pleasure and pain.

 

201.      (Orion)

Do... that again, please?

 

202.     (Illybrius)

Since you said please...

 

203.     WHITE TEXT

Illybrius repeats the action several times. Then he pulls out slowly and pushes back in just as slowly, pushes all the way in, and cuddles.

 

204.     (Orion)

Mmm... feels nice... You really are warm.

 

205.     (Illybrius)

So I've heard.

 

206.     WHITE TEXT

a)  Illybrius embraces Orion tightly.

b) Orion nuzzles him.

 

207.     (Orion)

So warm.

 

208.     WHITE TEXT

Illybrius massages Orion's cock with one hand, caresses Orion's balls with the other, and kisses Orion's cheek.

 

209.     (Orion)

SO good... getting close.

 

210.      (Illybrius)

I'm glad you're enjoying this.

 

211.       (Orion)

Yes... feels so... "in-cred-i-able"...

 

212.      (Illybrius)

Touché.

 

213.      (Orion)

Please... more... need more...

 

214.      WHITE TEXT

Illybrius kisses Orion again, tipping his head so that their lips meat, then releases Orion's sack and starts riding him again hard, playing with him in rhythm.

 

215.      (Orion)

Dear... god... you're hitting...

 

216.      WHITE TEXT

a)  Orion screams in pleasure.

b) Illybrius moans, enjoying Orion's screams, enjoying his sensations.

c)  Orion clenches as tight as possible and screams while thrusting back against Illybrius hard.

d)  Illybrius nibbles Orion's neck and back.

 

217.      (Orion)

Bite me hard. I... need to cum.

 

218.      (Illybrius)

Not yet, my sweet.

 

219.      WHITE TEXT

Illybrius is deliberately, infuriatingly gentle.

 

220.     (Orion)

Please... This... is so cruel... but I love it.

 

221.      (Illybrius)

I'm glad.

 

222.     (Orion)

Think I'm better... Please...

 

223.     (Illybrius)

Hmm. No.

 

224.     WHITE TEXT

Illybrius continues at the same pace.