1. TITLE
Usagi’s Side Quest, part 1
2.
Thu, Nov 6
2008, 7.26 PM
3.
USAGI
‘Sup?
4.
AKUMA
Hello, Usagi.
5.
USAGI
You wanted me?
6.
AKUMA
I just wanted companionship, but if
you are busy, then you don't have to talk to me.
7.
EPIPHANY
[Translation:
Hello. I noticed you aren't pitying me. Fix that.]
8.
USAGI
S’ok. I just had to orchestrate the
worst wedding.
9.
AKUMA
I know. But it was what Illybrius
wanted. It’s not our place to interfere.
10.
EPIPHANY
[Because
goodness knows that what Illybrius wants is more important than anyone else's
comfort.]
11.
EVRYN
It's certainly more important than
Akuma's.
12.
EPIPHANY
[
I will give you that.]
13.
AKUMA
I know. I am surprised you didn't
vomit.
14.
EPIPHANY
[Wait,
aren't you supposed to be an enabler and/or BL fangirl?]
15.
EVRYN
No, for the rest of the show, she's
going to be a bitter wangsting emo over how Illybrius prefers men to her.
16.
EPIPHANY
[That's
pathetic.]
17.
EVRYN
It really is. If I had a boyfriend,
I'd let him sleep with all the men he wanted.
18.
SIGYN
Yeah, I'd let Meta sleep with all the
men he wanted to, too.
19.
SERLEINA
If we ever have a fujoshi roll call, I now know whose names are
at the top of that list.
20.
DREPANON
She’s not the only one who wishes
Meta liked men.
21.
USAGI
If I’d been eating what K has, I
would have. Alcohol, mint chocolates do not mix.
22.
AKUMA
I meant for the wedding. Usagi, I can
trust you, right?
23.
USAGI
One of the girls, right. Yeah.
24.
AKUMA
No. I meant as a friend, since I have
very few.
25.
EPIPHANY
[
I wonder why.]
26.
EVRYN
I don't.
27.
USAGI
S’what I meant too. I suck with the
whole emotion thing, but you can talk to me if you need to.
28.
AKUMA
Promise me what I tell you won’t
reach Illybrius’s ears.
29.
EPIPHANY
[You
do realise he watches the show at home, right?]
30.
EVRYN
Celestia gets insanely good TV and
internet reception.
31.
EPIPHANY
[And at great rates, too!]
[
I'd move there if the rules of biology and physics still consistently applied.]
32.
USAGI
If he orders me to say something,
I’ll have to.
33.
AKUMA
Well, if I do this right, by the time
he asks you, he won’t be able to do anything. And no, what I am doing will not
hurt anyone.
34.
EPIPHANY
[What
does the fact you had to make that disclaimer say about you?]
35.
EVRYN
She's a lying liar who lies?
36.
EPIPHANY
[A
very violent lying liar who lies, no less]
37.
USAGI
a) Doubt he’ll care. He don’t give me a
second glance. Not since…
b) ….. Fuck it, you can trust me.
38.
EPIPHANY
[Translation:
You know what? Nothing I say or do is gonna get you to NOT tell me. Get it over
with.]
39.
USAGI
Pretty much, yeah.
40.
AKUMA
I am dissolving my bond with him.
41.
REIYA
Wasn't it already broken?!
42.
EVRYN
Is it water-soluble?
43.
EPIPHANY
[
If not, I happen to have brought a number of other solvents with me today.]
44.
EVRYN
And that's what makes you awesome!
45.
AKUMA
However, I need a new one.
46.
EVRYN
Then why dissolve the old one?
47.
EPIPHANY
[
I could order sufficient quantities of sulfuric acid to dissolve Akuma, thus
fixing the problem]
48.
OVD
Epiphany, you may not dissolve your coworkers with sulfuric
acid. And yes, that applies to other acids and even to bases.
49.
EPIPHANY pouts
50.
AKUMA
Will you help me find someone? I
would ask you, but I know you would not want any bond with something like me.
51.
EVRYN
Ew. Who would?
52.
USAGI
I ain’t prejudiced, except against
cookie boy.
53.
LENA
Usagi, please consider the
implications of that statement.
54.
USAGI
It’s not my fault Casting randomized
skin tone. And I meant that I don't normally shun demons.
55.
AKUMA
Yes, but to seal this bond, I would
need a kiss.
56.
EPIPHANY
[And
nobody wants to kiss you]
57.
EVRYN
Not even a Dementor
58.
EPIPHANY
[Also,
this seems wildly different from... previous requirements.]
59.
SERLEINA,
helpfully
~ Bang, bang, bangity bang, I said a bang, bang, bangity bang!~
60.
USAGI
Oh. Uh, ask Pumpkin or someone. She’s
more powerful than Illybrius, and she don’t mind kissing girls. Other than
that, all I can think is the mutt.
61.
AKUMA
It’s just a kiss on the forehead.
62.
EPIPHANY
[Have
you SEEN your forehead?]
63.
EVRYN
Probably not. Were I her, I'd avoid
mirrors.
64.
SIGYN
Is that why she has bangs?
65.
REIYA
Yes, and it's the only bangs she can
get!
66.
AKUMA
But please, bring him to me.
67.
EVRYN
Right, so, you're choosing Enon,
then?
68.
USAGI
There's also Bliu.
69.
AKUMA
NO! Please, I can’t have Impare see
me like this.
70.
USAGI
He don’t REMEMBER you.
71.
EPIPHANY
[
I wish I could forget seeing that, too]
72.
EVRYN
Try reincarnating into another
dimension. It seems to work for a few years, anyway.
73.
AKUMA
I don’t want to risk it. Please,
bring Enon here.
74.
USAGI
Fine, I’ll get the mutt, but he’s
only doing this for you, got it, not for me, because he hates me.
75.
AKUMA
Thank you. I owe you.
76.
USAGI
Trust me, Bliu wouldn't remember you.
77.
USAGI blows
whistle
78.
enter ENON
79.
ENON
What is it?
80.
AKUMA
I need your help, please.
81.
ENON
Yeah, I read the script backstage.
This is kind of embarrassing. I can't help you, sorry.
82.
AKUMA
Then anyone. Please, I need someone
to help me.
83.
ENON
Pumpkin or Cinnamon would be your
best bets. Pumpkin’s more powerful.
84.
AKUMA
Not Cin.
85.
EVRYN
Re-jected!
86.
SIGYN
Dude, you said “anyone”.
87.
CIN
Trust me, I'm cool with this.
88.
ENON
We have a dearth of males. There's
also Fabrizio, but he's a hermit.
89.
EVRYN
He's also allergic to fail.
90.
AKUMA
No. I guess.... Please get Pumpkin
for me. This is important. I will explain everything to her.
91.
EVRYN
Even though all she has to do is read
the script, like Enon did.
92.
exit ENON,
enter DÉSMODA
93.
DÉSMODA
Evening.
94.
AKUMA
Greetings, Mistress Pumpkin.
95.
DÉSMODA
I take it this is important?
96.
AKUMA
Yes.
97.
EPIPHANY
[No.]
98.
DÉSMODA
Oh. Never mind, then.
99.
exit DÉSMODA
100.
OVD
Get back onstage!
101. enter DÉSMODA
102.
DÉSMODA
Damn it!
103.
AKUMA
Are you willing to hear me out and
possibly help me?
104.
DÉSMODA
I'm willing to hear you out. I’ll
decide whether to help you when I learn the situation.
105.
AKUMA
Thank you. Let me explain.
106.
EVRYN
Could we just get the TL;DR version
and possibly the check, please?
107.
AKUMA
My bond with Illybrius is dissolving.
I need a new bond. I wanted to be with someone who I know will not let him hurt
me anymore.
108.
REIYA
If your bond with him is already
gone, why don’t you just leave him permanently?
109.
AKUMA
But this bond is a sort of slavery
bond because without it, I don't think I would stay in this realm much longer,
and it requires a kiss to the forehead to seal the bond. Please, you are my
only hope now.
110.
EPIPHANY
[. . . This bond thing sucks. Why would you even WANT a new
one?]
[Beyond
the fact that Corri thinks that slavery is sexy and dramatic.]
111.
EVRYN
You're looking for hidden depths that
don't exist, Epi.
112.
REIYA
I know I’d be glad to see her go.
113.
EPIPHANY
[So
literally the only reason is because Corri thinks slavery is sexy and
dramatic?]
114.
EVRYN
... It's the only way Akuma can
continue to survive on this plane since she's essentially a parasite who needs
to feed off someone else's life force to live, so yes.
115.
EPIPHANY
[Can't
she just go back to Suckville?]
116.
AKUMA
It's called REMIRUM! You're so rude
and mean!
117.
EPIPHANY
[You're stupid and boring.]
[
I think I win.]
118.
ROMAIN
HUNTER, GUEST COMMENTATOR
Girl, you are MADE of win.
119.
OVD
If your opponent is Akuma, you win by default.
120.
AKUMA
*starts bawwing* Why are you all so
MEAN to me?
121.
EPIPHANY
[Cry
moar]
122. AKUMA cries more.
123.
EVRYN
We're mean to you because you suck.
124.
AKUMA
perks up
Suck who?
125.
OVD
Enough! Get back to the script!
126.
EVRYN
Brain bleach! I need brain bleach!
127.
DÉSMODA
Explain what you mean by “someone I
know will not let him hurt me anymore.”
128.
AKUMA
I love him—
129.
EVRYN takes a shot
130.
AKUMA
--but I know he doesn't feel the
same. If I belong to someone else, he can't hurt me, and I can stay here and be
with Drake and Corri.
131.
EPIPHANY
[You
have serious codependency issues]
132.
EVRYN
Given. She's a parasite
133.
EPIPHANY
[Do
you think if we put anti-flea meds on the back of Corri's head Akuma would go
away?]
134.
EVRYN
No, you'd have to inject her with
them, and we really don't want to risk causing her MORE brain damage.
135.
EPIPHANY
[And
she's too unreliable to actually stick to any of the two-week pill regimens I
could get someone to prescribe]
136.
EVRYN
smirks
I know of a pill regimen she could
get on.
137.
OVD
Evryn, you may not roofie your fellow castmates.
138.
EVRYN
pouts
Can I at least poison her?
139.
OVD
No!
140.
EPIPHANY
[Not
even slipping her some cooler water?]
141.
OVD
No more than 32 ounces a day!
142. EPIPHANY grins, scribbles a note and passes it
to Evryn
143.
EVRYN
looks at note
Dude! Awesome! Bulk ars— ehehe...
144.
EVRYN glances guiltily at camera
145.
AKUMA,
flabbergasted
She knows a guy who can hook you up
with bulk arse, real cheap?
146.
EVRYN
Jealous?
147.
AKUMA
No! O-of course not! Baka!
148.
EPIPHANY
[no
u]
149.
EVRYN
smirks
Sure you're not
150.
AKUMA
Shut up and listen to me angst about
how Illybrius doesn't love me!
151.
SIGYN
DO WE REALLY FUCKING HAVE TO?!
152.
TOKIOMI
Shh, Akuma's talking!
153.
EVRYN
I believe that's what she was complaining
about. Now pipe down.
154.
DÉSMODA
He loves you, in a way.
155.
EVRYN
The Germans call it schadenfreude.
156.
AKUMA
No. I am only a pet.
157.
EPIPHANY zaps Akuma
158.
AKUMA
I want someone who I can trust.
159.
DÉSMODA
Oh, hush. You're more than a pet to
him, even if he's too thick to act it sometimes.
160.
EPIPHANY
[ It's more the love that one feels toward something that's so mind-numbingly
stupid it's almost kinda cute, in a pathetic way.]
[Oh,
and I almost forgot]
161.
EPIPHANY belatedly zaps Désmoda
162.
DÉSMODA
a) Damn. I was hoping I would get a pass
for that. Oh well. I suppose I had it coming after the incident in '06.
b) Regardless, I am Illybrius’s most
favored priestess.
163.
AKUMA
Please, I don't want to fade—
164.
EVRYN
Stop trying to be Naminé. You suck.
Not in a good way, either.
165.
SIGYN
Despite what she was offering
earlier?
166.
EVRYN
Please don't put that image in my
head. Ever, EVER again.
167.
AKUMA
—and I don't want to leave them.
168.
EPIPHANY
[Translation: BAWWWWWWWWW]
[Also, how would that even work? You become bonded to someone
else and then your feelings *~magically~* aren't hurt anymore that Illybrius
married someone other than you?]
[Even for a wangstbucket]
[No,
ESPECIALLY for a wangstbucket, I don't think that's how it works.]
169.
DÉSMODA
The emotions of others mean very
little to me, you understand. I cannot stand self-pity.
170.
EVRYN
Then why are you on this show?
171.
DÉSMODA
I was high on Neferbelii’s weed when
I signed my contract.
172.
EPIPHANY
[Doesn't
that make the contract null and void?]
173.
DÉSMODA
... I don't like the Thinking Room.
174.
AKUMA
Very well. I am sorry to have
disturbed you.
175.
EPIPHANY
[No
you aren’t.]
176.
DÉSMODA
VOWEVER—
177.
OVD
Stop making fun of Vaan. Also, we haven't aired that
episode yet.
178.
DÉSMODA
Really? It happened in July, didn't
it?
179.
OVD
...yeah, well, when we set out to produce this show, we
actually didn't have anything before October 20th, so we're going to have to
air the older episodes at the end of the season.
180.
DÉSMODA
Fine. H-OWEVER, with an H, Cinnamon
is my cousin.
181.
AKUMA
No.
182.
EVRYN
Yes, she is. Shut up.
183.
DÉSMODA
She enjoys your company, and she is
Corri’s friend.
184.
EVRYN
Minus the “r”
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