1.
TITLE
An
Unexpected Visitor
2.
SETTING
Akuma’s
room
3.
November 8, 2008, 8.07 PM
4.
AKUMA
makes bug-eyes
Is everything okay? Lee? Is he okay?
That was a big rush of energy.
5.
EPIPHANY
[Why?
Is there a big risk of power lines overloading?]
6.
EVRYN
Well, if “power” is code for “cock”….
7.
EPIPHANY
makes a face
[Eeeeewwwwwwww]
8.
ILLYBRIUS
He should be. I… I… got him off.
9.
AKUMA
I could tell. That was like a rush of
power.
10.
EVRYN
Like I said.
11.
EPIPHANY,
to Akuma
[THEN
WHY DID YOU HAVE TO ASK?]
12.
EVRYN
So she could get off on it too?
13.
EPIPHANY
[Oh.
Right. That second-hand voyeurism thing.]
14.
AKUMA
Still, make sure he is.
15.
ILLYBRIUS
Says he’s dizzy.
16.
AKUMA
Then he’s still probably weak. Do you want me
to help, too?
17.
EPIPHANY
[You're
offering to rape him more?]
18.
ILLYBRIUS
No, thank you.
19.
AKUMA
Just checking. I think Caleb might
have to come back.
20.
EVRYN
So HE can rape him more?!
21.
REIYA
I thought Caleb was an exclusive
bottom.
22.
EVRYN
I don't even want to know how you
know that.
23.
SIGYN
Also, “Oh, you know, just checking to
see if you need my help raping my brother-cousin more, no big deal.”
24.
MARIE
Yikes, Akuma. Yikes.
25.
ILLYBRIUS
Still weak.
26.
USAGI
Think he can stand to go another
round?
27.
AKUMA
He’s going to have to.
28.
EPIPHANY
[Let me get this straight.]
[Illybrius
HAS to rape Orion again?]
29.
EVRYN
Yes.
30.
AKUMA
Unless you are offering to help?
31.
EPIPHANY
[HELL
NO!]
32.
USAGI
I guess?
33.
EPIPHANY hits Usagi in the leg with sign
34.
AKUMA
Then by all means. Have sex with
Orion.
35.
EPIPHANY
[You
can't "have sex with" someone unless they are awake, willing, and
aware!]
36.
AKUMA
and EVRYN
You TOTALLY can!
37.
AKUMA
whines
Stop copying me!
38.
EVRYN
whines
Stop copying me!
39.
AKUMA
No, STOP IT!
40.
EVRYN
No, STOP IT!
41.
AKUMA
I don’t like this! Make her stop!
42.
EVRYN
Okay, do you see our point now? When
someone does something you’ve told them not to do, it doesn’t feel very good, does it? And rape
is much, much worse than basic schoolyard bullying.
43.
LENA
Can I have that back, please?
44.
EVRYN steps off the Designated Soapbox and
hands it to Lena
45.
LENA
Thank you.
46.
DREPANON
Hey, isn't that—
47.
LENA
MINE.
48.
USAGI
Better me than you.
49.
/exit USAGI
50.
ILLYBRIUS
This is… interesting.
51.
EVRYN
No it’s not.
52.
AKUMA
Who’s on top?
53.
EVRYN
Who cares?
54.
EPIPHANY
[Who’s
on first?]
55.
EVRYN
Once again, who cares?
56.
EPIPHANY
[The
first baseman cares!]
57.
DESMODA
I think you mean, the first BASEMENT
man. Guess where he is right now. Go on. Guess.
58.
ILLYBRIUS
Usagi.
59.
AKUMA
Wish I could watch.
60.
EPIPHANY
[Shut
up, Akuma.]
61.
ILLYBRIUS
By all means.
62.
ILLYBRIUS hands her binoculars
63.
AKUMA accepts
64.
AKUMA
WOOT! Thank you, Kibito!
65.
EVRYN
poses
Tree?
66.
AKUMA makes kissy face
67.
EPIPHANY
gets out lighter
[STOP
THAT]
68.
AKUMA
Wow, I had no idea you were so yan.
69.
EVRYN
NO. JUST NO.
70.
ILLYBRIUS
I lost a bet to my counterpart, have
to blow Orion, and for that reason, I’m choosing to take a rain check on the kiss. You
understand, of course.
71.
AKUMA
Sure. But you will tell me about the
bet later.
72.
ILLYBRIUS
I can tell you now, actually. She bet
that I couldn’t go an hour
without speaking. It’s a bet I’ve lost in the past. The last time I lost the bet was the first time I
slept with a man.
73.
EPIPHANY
[
I bet $20 you can't shut up for an hour.]
74.
ILLYBRIUS
I can't. That's the problem.
75.
EPIPHANY
[And
here I was hoping to make a quick $20]
76.
ILLYBRIUS hands Epiphany $20
77.
EPIPHANY
grins
[Fuck
yeah!]
78.
SIGYN
Take notes, Conny and Drossel. Oh, I
can't shut up for an hour, either. Here you go, Epi.
79.
SIGYN hands Epiphany $20.
80.
EVERYONE looks at Drepanon.
81.
DREPANON
...
82.
EVRYN
Go on, then, pony up.
83.
/exit DREPANON
84.
AKUMA
Really? Hmm. Interesting.
85.
EVRYN
More interesting you being a Peeping
Tom, Aksuema.
86.
AKUMA
You forgot to pronounce my name
right. There's a *Akuma noise* at the end.
87.
EVRYN
Oh, sorry, Aksue-MUHHH.
88.
AKUMA
That's better. Marginally.
89.
ILLYBRIUS
That I remembered. She bet me that I couldn’t go an hour without speaking, and if
I spoke before the hour’s time, I had to—
90.
EVRYN
You just said that!
91.
AKUMA
Oh. You don’t have to say any more.
92.
ILLYBRIUS
Well, I don’t regret it.
93.
EPIPHANY
[How
can you NOT regret having anything to do with Orion?]
94.
EVRYN
With great difficulty and many
delusions. Also, magical date rape catnip.
95.
SIGYN
Or you could be like me and just not
have a sense of shame.
96.
/DREPANON tries to enter (ding—)
97.
EPIPHANY holds out her hand.
98.
EVRYN
Pony up.
99.
/ragequit Drepanon
100.
AKUMA
Didn’t say you had to.
101.
EPIPHANY
[Translation:
Stop trying to decide your feelings! That's my job!]
102.
EVRYN
You're fired!
103.
OVD
Evryn—
104.
EVRYN
Kidding, jeez.
105.
AKUMA
Oh, by the way…
106.
ILLYBRIUS
Yes?
107.
AKUMA
I have the full translation of Maheone’s entry, should you want it. If not,
I planned to burn it.
108.
EPIPHANY
[Is
that you trying to be flippant?]
109.
EVRYN
No, that's her trying to get him to
want to read the full translation of fake Maheone's fake entry
110.
OVD
Evryn, spoilers!
111.
EVRYN
That was speculation, not a spoiler.
Wait, was it a spoiler?
112.
EPIPHANY
[That's
not manipulative of her at all]
113.
SIGYN
We already sat through that fucking
garbage THREE DAYS AGO!
114.
FALCON
Well forgive me for not knowing where
to put the episode! It’s not like I read these scripts any more than I
absolutely have to! In fact, Wales has already demonstrated they
remember more about this show than I do!
115.
ILLYBRIUS
Orion told me something similar
yesterday. Of course I want it. Thank you.
116.
AKUMA
I wouldn’t have translated it because of what
it contained, but I figured you would want it.
117.
FLUOU
[Translation:
Look at me! I’m so selfless and altruistic! Give me attention and gratitude!]
118.
ILLYBRIUS
Thank you.
119.
EPIPHANY
[STOP
GIVING HER WHAT SHE WANTS]
120.
ILLYBRIUS
It's in the script.
121.
FALCON
The script that I don’t pay attention
to.
122.
[5 minutes later]
123.
/enter CINNAMON
124.
DREPANON,
offstage
How come SHE gets to—
125.
CINNAMON ponies up.
126.
DREPANON,
offstage
Why does the roof even HAVE a cover
charge?!
127.
MARIE
It's MY roof and *I* say it's
alright.
128.
EVRYN
It's to weed out the overly
talkative, masturbatory pseudointellectuals and their borrowed soapboxes. Well,
just the stingy ones, but still.
129.
CINNAMON
*snickers* Um, that’s hilarious.
130.
EVRYN
Right?
131.
CINNAMON
He just— Usagi, I mean— he just went
off to puke somewhere. Guess he forgot he was sleeping with someone he hates.
132.
SIGYN
Wait, how is that ever a problem?
133.
EPIPHANY holds out her hand.
134.
SIGYN
What?
135.
EPIPHANY
[We talked it over during the commercial break and came to a
decision.]
[Every time you say something creepy, or in reference to wanting
to do inappropriate things to a quasi-family member, you have to contribute to
my new textbook fund.]
[The
suggested donation amount is $10.]
136.
XALDIN passes behind Sigyn.
137.
XALDIN is now holding Sigyn's wallet.
138.
XALDIN hands EPIPHANY $10.
139.
EPIPHANY
[As
demonstrated, if you hesitate to contribute, my Adults are more than happy to
assist you.]
140.
SIGYN
a)
You
know, you could just buy your textbooks on Kindle and then pocket the rest for
your experiments, right?
b)
...
c)
Oh,
shit.
141.
AKUMA
smirks
I know.
142.
XALDIN hands Sigyn back her wallet.
143.
SIGYN
Thank you.
144.
CINNAMON
Yeah, he’s all like, “Cinnamon, can I borrow your Purell?” Like I’ll want it back.
145.
AKUMA
Poor thing. At least he was on top.
146.
EPIPHANY
[What the fuck is it with you and who tops?]
[Also, why the fuck are you regaling us with the details of
someone else's sex life?]
[Most
people would consider that really fucking rude.]
147.
EVRYN
She's not pretty enough to fuck.
148.
SERLEINA
That’s not a problem. Put a paper bag over her head and do her from
behind. Not that I would because, you know, I have standards, but still.
149.
EPIPHANY
[And
so she has to vicariously derive her exhibitionism fix by making us listen to
her recount previous voyeurism?]
150.
EVRYN
Makes as much sense as anything.
151.
EPIPHANY
[Do
I put that as second-hand voyeurism or second-hand exhibitionism on the Plot
Board?]
152.
{CAMERA pans over to chalkboard with the words
"PLOT-DRIVING ELEMENTS" underlined at the top in big letters,
"CORRI'S FETISHES" underlined in slightly smaller letters beneath and
to the left of that, and "OTHER" to the right. Under "CORRI'S
FETISHES" are listed, with bullet points, "RAPE",
"SLAVERY", "PITY", "SIMULTANEOUS ORGASMS". Under
"OTHER" is listed "CONTRACTUAL OBLIGATION TO STUPIDITY" and
"NEFERBELII'S WEED"}
153.
EVRYN
Both, and she's not contractually
obligated to stupidity. That just comes naturally to her.
154.
EPIPHANY
shuffles over to chalkboard
[Akuma
isn't; almost everyone else, however, is.]
155.
EPIPHANY makes a new bullet point under
"CORRI'S FETISHES", and writes "SECOND-HAND
EXHIBITIONISM/VOYEURISM"
156.
EVRYN
You should charge her $5 every time
she does something that recalls the Plot Board.
157.
CINNAMON
Yeah, but he wants to bathe all over
in alcohol.
158.
EPIPHANY
[
I pity anyone who tries to clean their genitals with alcohol.]
159.
EVRYN
You have the capacity for pity?!
160.
EPIPHANY
[Not
really, but I can fake it pretty well.]
161.
EVRYN
I've heard that before.
162.
CINNAMON
Um, weird.
163.
EVRYN sighs and hands Epiphany $5.
164.
EVRYN
... Audience 1's rule doesn't apply
to me, but I still feel bad.
165.
CINNAMON
I’ll be happy to give him a Jack Daniels sponge bath if
I can lick it off, but—
166.
EPIPHANY holds out her hand.
167.
CINNAMON ponies up.
168.
EVRYN
That would be a waste of good
whiskey.
169.
CINNAMON
I have the feeling if I suggest it to
him, he’ll start running
around in circles, screaming like a little girl.
170.
SERLEINA
As opposed to screaming like a big girl?
171.
CINNAMON
That’s just called bellowing, isn’t it?
172.
SERLEINA
It is when I do it.
173.
AKUMA
If he does, I’ll help you and maybe then we can
help each other
174.
AKUMA winks
175.
EPIPHANY
[With
what, catching him?]
176.
CINNAMON
Don’t think he’ll go for it, but Lee might.
177.
AKUMA
I meant we can help each other. I am
bi. I like girls too.
178.
EPIPHANY writes "LESBIANS?" on the
plot board
179.
LENA holds out her hand.
180.
EPIPHANY
[No.]
181.
LENA
Bi-erasure. Pony up.
182.
EPIPHANY reluctantly hands over the $5 she got
from Evryn.
183.
EPIPHANY erases "LESBIANS?" and
writes, "AKUMA GETTING LAID BY ANY MEANS NECESSARY"
184.
>CUE MUSIC: Any Means
Necessary by Hammerfall
185.
CINNAMON grimaces
186.
AKUMA
Is that a yes or no?
187.
EPIPHANY
[It's either a "I'm not fond of Oregano’s singing
voice" or "Are you fucking kidding me have you seen your face
EVER?"]
[But,
seriously, how the hell could that possibly be interpreted as a
"yes"?]
188.
CINNAMON
It’s a… “I’ve never slept
with a girl… so I’m undecided.”
189.
EPIPHANY
rolls eyes
[Oh
sure, use TACT.]
190.
CINNAMON
What the hell is "tact"?
191.
ORION
I think it’s a kind of powder.
192.
EVRYN
That’s talcum.
193.
ORION
Oh… Is it a kind of cake?
194.
EVRYN
Ignoring that. So, Cinnamon, you mean
you never slept with a girl except Désmoda, and she was brutal.
195.
CINNAMON
Fanfiction doesn’t count! And by the way, I happen to
love that song.
196.
OREGANO
Thanks, so do I!
197.
CINNAMON
Now please, never butcher it again.
198.
AKUMA
I’ll be gentle. Promise.
199.
REIYA
You ripped that line straight out of
every yaoi manga ever.
200.
SERLEINA
Also, she meant the song, not… her butt. Or… whatever. I don’t know. Why am I even speculating on this?
201.
EVRYN
a)
Epiphany,
let me offer you a little analogy, okay? "Akuma" is to
"yaoi" as "Vera Wang" is to "Lexaeus."
b)
…
Actually, I think I prefer thinking about Lexaeus in a wedding dress to
thinking about Akuma and sex being in any way related to each other.
202.
EPIPHANY
[Is it a common line in other forms of pornography?]
[I'm
afraid that I haven't had much exposure to it.]
203.
EVRYN
Probably. I don't pay that much
attention to the dialogue, if you know what I mean.
204.
SIGYN
—
205.
EPIPHANY holds out her hand.
206.
SIGYN
I was just going to ask why have you
had exposure to that kind of thing at all?
207.
EPIPHANY
[My
cousin Jirou doesn’t secure his computer and I needed to use it for a school
assignment. He still had an eroge open.]
208.
SIGYN
My condolences, except the opposite
of that.
209.
TOKIOMI rolls his eyes
210.
SIGYN
I will never forgive you for the
Smile Worms, Toki.
211.
CINNAMON
M’kay.
212.
AKUMA
Alright. Hang on. I need to get
Corri.
213.
/exit AKUMA
214.
EVRYN facepalms
215.
EPIPHANY
starts laughing
[She
needs Corri to sign a parental non-consent form]
216.
SIGYN
Oh hey, I’ve seen those!
217.
TOKIOMI
Ah yes, that older blond gentleman
brought one by the flat. Charming fellow, isn’t he?
218.
SIGYN
Can I just say how happy I am that
stash of "Tic Tacs" you accidentally bought in Saint James Park has
lasted you this long?
219.
EVRYN
"Non-consent" form?
220.
EPIPHANY
[If
Corri signed a CONSENT form, then it wouldn't be rape, now would it?]
221.
EVRYN
This is all explained on the Plot
Board, isn't it?
222.
EPIPHANY nods
223.
EVRYN
I'm too sober to read right now.
224.
OVD
You've been reading all
of her signs this entire episode.
225.
EPIPHANY
[Then
how do you Yeah, that.]
226.
EVRYN
That doesn't count! I always do that!
227.
SIGYN
Except when you cover your ears and
go, “La la la, I can’t hear you.”
228.
EVRYN
Okay, fine. I haven't had enough
MEDICATION.
229.
TOKIOMI blithely hands over a little blue pill.
230.
EVRYN
I, er... Thank you, I'm good.
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