1.
TITLE
How Orion Became a Demon and Other Inconsistencies
2.
SETTING
Orion's room
3.
Mon, Nov 10,
2008, 8:00 pm
4.
ILLYBRIUS
*sighs sadly*
Very well, but afterwards, we cuddle.
5.
ORION
Promise.
6.
[LIGHTS OUT and the following
is heard]
7.
(Evryn)
Ugh, again? Look,
honestly, I’m not homophobic, I’m not intolerant of S&M, and I’m certainly
no blushing flower, but the way these scenes are written are just so terrible
that I can’t bear to watch them played out. I’m far too embarrassed for the
actors and I don’t like feeling pity.
8.
(Zhang)
My exact
thoughts from what I hear. Does someone have an ice pick?
9.
(Brown)
No but I can
take your eyes out with this spoon?
10.
(Zhang)
Please....
11.
(Reiya)
I'd be complaining
even if one of them was female. And if it was vanilla. It's even less
interesting than the rest of the show.
12.
(Evryn)
Yeah, what she said. I
just wanted to make it clear that I'm generally not an intolerant person.
13.
WT
Orion pauses and looks up at Illybrius.
14.
(Orion)
Still want the
plug in?
15.
(Illybrius)
Yes.
16.
(Orion)
Lubed?
17.
(Lopez)
Nah he wants
it in raw dog!
18.
(Illybrius)
. . . Yes.
19.
(Evryn)
Translation: No fucking
duh, you scrub.
20.
WT
Orion lubes the plug and slowly puts it in.
21.
(Orion)
Master... I...
it burns...
22.
(Lopez)
Damn he used
that Zesty lube huh?
23.
(Zhang)
My eyes
burn...
24.
(Reiya)
Maybe you
should have used more lube then, Onion.
25.
(Evryn)
Mayyyybe I shouldn't have
replaced all his lube with expired salsa, hey?
26.
(Lopez)
Olé!!!
27.
(Marie)
He seems to hate using it anyway.
28.
(Reiya)
I would too if
someone kept replacing it with salsa.
29.
(Evryn)
You might say I decided
to... spice this sex scene up a bit!
30.
(Serleina)
Guys, let's stop
justifying Corri's Morton Forks, okay?
31.
(Reiya)
No.
32.
(Serleina)
He was going to say that
it burns regardless.
33.
(Reiya)
It's the
salsa.
34.
(Lopez)
It's
definitely the Salsa
35.
(Mansk)
The extra hot
kind
36.
(Zhang)
*gags*
37.
(Marie)
No, Corri's just mad that Illybrius ignored her
veiled "suggestion" to not use lube.
38.
(Evryn)
I thought she was just
ignorant of the fact that men's arses don't work like women's vaginas.
39.
(Marie)
... That is also a possibility, but considering
that anal tearing seems to be one of her fetishes—
40.
(Serleina)
🎵BACTERIA~~~🎵
41.
(Illybrius)
I know.
42.
WT
Orion gasps in pain
43.
(Orion)
M-Master...
it's in. I am so hard.
44.
(Illybrius)
Me too, actually.
45.
(Marie)
Yeah, that's realistic dialogue.
46.
(Illybrius)
Yes, well, OVD cut all my
lines about the weather and the interesting patterns on the ceiling.
47.
(Orion)
Do you... want
to use... the cock ring—
48.
(Oregano)
Hey guys, I
wrote a song!
49.
(Serleina)
NO.
50.
(Oregano)
🎵Do you wanna
use a cock ring?
Come on, let's
keep it hard—🎵
51.
(Serleina)
I SAID NO, REG.
52.
(Lopez)
That actually
makes this sound like a much better porno.... Which it isn't
53.
(Orion)
... on me?
54.
(Illybrius)
No. Same as Serleina.
Just no.
55.
(Orion)
*whimper*
56.
(Illybrius)
a. Making wounded puppy
noises isn't going to change my mind and is not, in fact, sexy, but rather
disturbing. Wait. I mean.
b.
Orion,
you masochist, I don't want to punish you at all. Wait. I don't? Okay.
57.
DESMODA
and DREPANON
He'd enjoy it too much.
58.
(Orion)
Then... if you
can't...
59.
(Illybrius)
I said I didn't want to,
not that I couldn't. I just want to hold you.
60.
(Orion)
I can't help
it... I...
61.
(Illybrius)
Have done nothing wrong.
62.
[CANNED LAUGHTER]
63.
(Orion)
I know, but...
this is how... I let go of things... that aren't... my fault.
64.
(Marie)
That's stupid. You made that up just now. This kind
of thing is why you discuss this kind of scene out-of-character beforehand. Or,
considering Falcon's age at the time, not write this kind of scene at all. You
are the adult here, Corri.
65.
WT
a.
Illybrius kisses Orion and presses the plug the
rest of the way in, more or less gently.
b. Orion gasps in pain and pleasure
66.
(Orion)
You... are a
kind Master.
67.
(Drepanon)
You know, you could at least pretend not to
be so disappointed.
68.
(Illybrius)
With those for whom I
care, yes.
69.
(Orion)
Thank you,
Master.
70.
(Illybrius)
Are you ready for the
paddle?
71.
(Orion)
*moan* Yes,
Master.
72.
WT
*SMACK*
73.
(Orion)
One.
74.
(Illybrius)
.....
75.
(Orion)
I am sorry for
speaking out of turn, Master.
76.
WT
Illybrius holds Orion
77.
(Illybrius)
I really don't want to do
this.
78.
(Orion)
I...
79.
WT
Orion lays down
80.
(Orion)
Yes, sir.
81.
WT
Illybrius snuggles up to Orion, intoxicated by his scent
82.
(Orion)
...
83.
WT
Illybrius pulls away, hurt
84.
(Illybrius)
I should go.
85.
(Orion)
No. Please
stay. I just...
86.
(Marie)
I don't want to hear Onion's excuses. They are
interfering with my enjoyment of this English muffin with strawberry and plum
jam.
87.
(Evryn)
You know, I think Onion
here was more likable as a cardboard-cutout villain, and that’s really fucking
sad.
88.
(Lopez)
The lack of
chemistry is painful
89.
(Lyle)
You know, when
in doubt, just fuck. Why is this so complicated?
90.
(Zhang)
Because it's
written by a woman who should just go read fancy lady porn
91.
(Serena)
Wait, what's
the difference between fancy lady porn and other porn?
92.
(Zhang)
They read very
specific erotica.... We turn on titts and jerk off for the most part
93.
(Brown)
Or Tentacles
in some people's case
94.
(Mansk)
Yeah, fucking
weirdos.
95.
(Serena)
Ooh, send me
links to tentacles!
96.
(Mansk)
Okay.
97.
(Evryn)
Wait, Serena, don't you
read vampire erotica?
98.
(Serena)
Only if it's
M/M.
99.
WT
a.
Orion "grabbes" Illybrius and holds him
close.
b.
Illybrius is confused and lays there somewhat
stiffly.
c. Orion makes a T_T face
100. (Illybrius)
Don't cry.
101.
WT
a.
Orion "bury" his face in Illybrius's
neck.
b.
Illybrius holds him close and taps at the plug,
gently but somewhat obnoxiously
c.
Orion whimpers, but doesn't move.
d.
Illybrius kisses him, breathing him in.
e.
Orion nuzzles even further down.
f. Orion whimpers. Illybrius purrs. Orion whimpers.
102. (Illybrius)
What's wrong?
103.
WT
Orion nuzzles into Illybrius's neck.
104. (Illybrius)
Please tell me.
105.
(Orion)
It's not
important, Kio. Akuma needs you more.
106. (Akuma)
Hey,
Illybrius? Could you help me with my Blu Ray—oh, shit. Never mind! Sorry!
107. (Illybrius)
It IS important. To me.
Damn it. Everybody either leaves, dies, or pushes me away.
108. [Violin noises]
109. (Illybrius)
Akuma, I can hear you.
110. (Akuma)
That's not me,
it's the Blu-Ray player! I got it to work!
111.
(Zhang)
Yeah,
this entire thing makes me wanna commit an Akuma but stay that way.
112. (Brown)
I can help
with that!!
113. (Zhang)
... No.
114.
(Marie)
I want to hear about Akuma's adventures with the
Blu-Ray player, not hear Corri trying to put Falcon on the guilt-train to
Fucktown.
115.
WT
Orion grabs Illybrius.
116. (Akuma)
Okay so, I had
to get up at six in the morning to head to Fry's— the electronics store, not
the grocery store.
117.
(Orion)
Please don't
go. I'm not pushing you away, I just... I'm sorry.
118. (Akuma)
Désmoda let me
borrow her motorcycle as long as I promised not to get pulled over, have a
miscarriage, and die by the side of the road.
119.
(Marie)
Reasonable.
120.
WT
Orion holds Illybrius close.
121. (Akuma)
Did you know
her license plate is customized? It's "MVEBTCH".
122. (Illybrius)
Please tell me what has
you so conflicted...
123. (Reiya)
Corri fiat.
124. (OVD)
I wish I had
the power to invoke a fiat vetoing all of Corri's fiats. *sigh*
125. (Akuma)
She got away
with it 'cause she said it was her grandmother's maiden name or something. I
guess being a 540-year-old vampire has its perks.
126.
WT
Orion nuzzles into Illybrius and holds him close.
127. (Désmoda)
Technically,
538, but we don't need to split hairs.
128. (Illybrius)
Answer me.
129. (Akuma)
Anyway, as I
was driving down the "Insert Road Here, asterisk, research needed", I
passed this cute little truck and there was a Golden Retriever who bore a
striking resemblance to Drepanon.
130.
WT
Illybrius holds Orion and caresses him, but still wants an answer.
131. (Akuma)
The dog had
the happiest smile on their face and I wanted to reach out and pet them.
132.
(Orion)
...
133.
(Marie)
Oh good, Onion shut up!
134.
(Orion)
Why won't you
let me feed?
135. (Désmoda)
Because
starve.
136. (Akuma)
But I didn't
think it would be the best idea since for once I was trying to not die,
so I kept driving.
137. (Illybrius)
What do you mean?
138. (Akuma)
Anyway, so I
get to the Fry's Electronics, and I circle the lot about three times trying to
find a parking spot.
139.
(Orion)
I feed on
sexual pain.
140. (Lopez)
That's a
pitiful excuse to try and manipulate this into exactly what you want
141. (Lyle)
This is
weirder than Mansk porn yo
142.
MANSK
That's because it contains far less actual porn and far more shit to make you
wanna kill yourself
143. (Serena, to
Lyle)
You think
tentacles are weird?
144. (Lyle)
Well I'm not
interested in watching an octopus fuck someone no ..... But that's just one of
the subjects
145. (Serena)
I mean... You
could use tentacle toys on me if you wanted to do something a little different.
146. (Akuma)
The first
time, I saw FIVE spots that I thought were promising, but they were taken up by
those little compact cars that drive all the way up to the front of the space.
147. (Illybrius)
I thought you just fed on
sex.
148. (Reiya)
Corri fiat.
149. (Evryn)
More like, Corri
bullshit.
150. (Reiya)
Exactly.
Onion, what you feed off of changes episode to episode. You can't expect
Illybrius to keep up with all of them.
151. (Akuma)
You know
what's funny? Three of them were... wait for it...
152.
(Orion)
If I did, I
would be like you.
153. (Evryn)
Am I sober, or was that
an insult?
154.
(Marie)
Sounded like an insult to me, because Onion talks
down about incubi and says they're "lesser demons".
155. (Sigyn)
Coming from
someone who only knows how to write one kind of demon, which is basically an
incubus rip-off? That stings. No, really. I'm feeling the burn.
156. (Akuma)
SILVER VOLVOS!
157. (Illybrius)
... I'm not a sadist. I
don't want to hurt you.
158. (OVD)
Objection!
Volvo won't come out with its compact XC40 model until 2017! And those
will be compact SUV's so they don't even count!
159.
(Orion)
I know.
I'll... find it another way.
160. (Zhang)
FINALLY!!! Can
we move on now? Is it over?
161. (Akuma)
I parked and
went inside. Initially I was looking for a VCR, but the helpful fellow in the
uniform said those were an outdated technology.
162. (Illybrius)
"Double ellipsis, followed
by keyboard mash speech".
163. [LIGHTS
ON]
164.
JEPH
[Rulean
hits Illybrius over the head with a frying pan. Illybrius faints.]
165.
ILLYBRIUS, from the
floor
Oh, right, I wasn't
supposed to actually say "keyboard mash speech". Fuck me. Wait,
don't. That was rhetorical.
166.
AKUMA
I thought about
asking if Blu-Ray players were hard to figure out, but in the end, I decided
I'd just put it together myself.
167.
MARIE
Probably a good idea.
168.
ORION
Illybrius?
169.
AKUMA
After I bought it, I
put it in my backpack and got back on Désmoda’s motorcycle.
170.
RULEAN
Well, that takes care
of that.
171.
AKUMA
The drive home was
uneventful, thankfully. Then I spent like two hours trying to set it up to my
liking and now here we are!
172.
MARIE
Cool! We should have
more "Akuma goes on an Adventure" episodes. Preferably not
interspersed with unspeakable nonsense.
173.
AKUMA
To be fair, most of
my actual adventures on this show are unspeakable nonsense.
174.
MARIE
We should have more
"Akuma goes on a WHOLESOME Adventure" episodes.
175.
AKUMA, playfully
Whargarbl~
176.
[exit AKUMA]
177.
ORION
Who?
178.
EPIPHANY
[Do
you suddenly not know Akuma? Or are you asking who Blu-Ray is?]
179.
EVRYN
I'd say he knows
Akuma rather well... Biblically!
180.
FAUS
IT BURNS!
181.
EPIPHANY
[Are
you a weeaboo?]
182.
FAUS opens his mouth
and cricket noises come out
183.
RULEAN
Don't worry. He'll
live.
184.
EVRYN
Good to know the
crickets weren't poisonous!
185.
ORION
Who are you?
186.
RULEAN
Now why would I tell
you that?
187.
ORION
You. You're the one
that killed Akuma, aren't you?
188.
EPIPHANY
[Note
how, as soon as it's obvious he's not going to get that information from
Rulean, he magically knows what Corri wants him to know anyway.]
189.
EVRYN
Remember kids,
metagaming is very, very annoying and will make people want to punch you in the
face.
190.
RULEAN
She killed herself.
191.
EVRYN
As she does.
192.
OVD
I'm going to have
to talk to that girl about misusing her lunch breaks.
193.
ORION
Don't hurt Illybrius,
please.
194.
EVRYN
Dude. He just hit him
over the head with a frying pan. How is that NOT hurting him?
195.
EPIPHANY
[Onion
has a monopoly on hurting Illybrius]
[Or
thinks he does]
196.
RULEAN
I have no reason to;
you do such a good job of it.
197.
EPIPHANY
[See?]
198.
MARIE
Frying pan violence
is still violence, but he's otherwise not wrong.
199.
ORION
Hurt me if you must.
200.
EPIPHANY
[Translation:
Please hurt me. Pleasepleaseplease.]
201.
EVRYN
Ru, can I borrow that
frying pan?
202.
OVD
Evryn, you may not
hit your castmates with a frying pan if they still have dialogue in the scene.
203.
EVRYN
Have I mentioned
today how much fun you're not?
204.
RULEAN
No.
205.
SIGYN
Technically, she just
did.
206.
EVRYN
You're far too
useful.
207.
TRINIAN
OVD, does this mean
Evryn may hit Orion with a frying pan once he's done with his scene?
208.
OVD
That's what I said,
isn't it?!
209.
EVRYN
No! You didn't!
210.
ORION
I feed off sexual
pain.
211.
EPIPHANY
[Translation:
PLEASEPLEASEPLEASEPLEASE!]
212.
ZHANG
This is the type of
idiot that makes we wanna see them go through non sexual pain or be locked in a
box to rott as torture or maybe have sound torture used on them. Anything that
doesn't fit their fantasy
213.
EVRYN
OVD, may I hit him in
the balls? Pleasepleasepleaseplease?
214.
OVD
Yes.
215.
EVRYN punches Orion
in the balls
216.
ORION
OWWWWW! THAT WASN'T
WHAT I MEANT!
217.
RULEAN
This means little to
me.
218.
FLUOU THE TRANSLATION GUY
[Translation: I don't
care]
219.
MARIE
That would not
normally encourage your enemy to take you up on that offer.
220.
ORION
I'll do anything if
you let Lee stay here for one more day.
221.
EPIPHANY
[Translation:
Corri is desperately fishing for a rape scene here.]
222.
RULEAN
You're the one who
brought me out.
223.
ORION
I ... how?
224.
RULEAN
He thought he'd put
me aside long ago.
225.
EPIPHANY
[That
doesn't answer the question satisfactorily.]
226.
EVRYN
Probably because
Désmoda wrote his lines specifically so that Orion could experience his own
Corri Sue-age.
227.
SIGYN
For something written
by Désmoda, this scene has surprisingly little rape or torture.
228.
EVRYN
Yeah, probably
because THAT'S ALREADY OVERDONE BY THE CORRI SIDE OF THINGS, YOU NIT.
229.
EPIPHANY
[In
fact, that's exactly what Corri is fishing for at this very moment.]
230.
ORION
And you are? Please
tell me? Why do this?
231.
EPIPHANY
[To
fuck with you.]
232.
EVRYN
And not in a way you
enjoy.
233.
EPIPHANY
[Or
in a way you enjoy not enjoying.]
234.
RULEAN
I'm not doing
anything. I am Illyriabriucce's supposed imaginary friend. Maheone's as well.
One of the many things we had in common, before they outgrew me.
235.
ORION
Meaning that you
*whimper* are something else.
236.
EPIPHANY
[An
entity born of thought.]
237.
EVRYN
Considering that
we're all fictional characters on a fictional TV show, he's not really any
different from the rest of us, though.
238.
OVD
Fourth wall? What
fourth wall?
239.
EPIPHANY
[We
had a fourth wall?]
240.
EVRYN
It comes and goes.
241.
MARIE
Unlike Onion,
who just won't go away!
242.
FAUS
An entity of THOT!
243.
EVRYN
And unfortunately,
Marie can't Begone him while he still has lines.
244.
RULEAN
It's your fault that
I'm here now. He knows it's impractical but he wants you all to himself.
245.
MARIE
Huh?
246.
EVRYN
I guess it's because
Rulean is something that Illybrius can have all to himself
now? Falcon's mind is a twisted place. And I would know.
247.
MARIE
I guess that's fair,
considering that Corri's guilt trips don't make sense either.
248.
ORION
How... can I fix
this? How can I give you what you need?
249.
RULEAN
When you express
yearning for another, his heart breaks. You'd break his heart until there's
nothing left and something else is forced to take over.
250.
EPIPHANY
[So.
. . Onion needs to get better acting lessons?]
251.
MARIE
No, Epiphany. Onion
needs to stop being such a little shit.
252.
EVRYN
I love how our
commentary has evolved over the last ten--
253.
OVD
EVRYN. It's
actually been more like eight years.
254.
TRINIAN
Um, what? it's 2024
right now--
255.
OVD
NO IT ISN'T SHUT UP
256.
ORION
I wasn't trying to
break his heart. I just need... to be able to stay by his side. I need the pain
in order to do that.
257.
ZHANG
It's not over
.... Where's bleach when you need it
258.
RULEAN, affecting
Magneto
Nobody ever tries.
They just do it.
259.
EVRYN
I think we've been
letting Désmoda watch the X-Men movies too much.
260.
DESMODA
Yes, well, I only
quoted Magneto because I knew he'd be offended.
261.
ORION
I just need sexual
pain to live and I know he can't give it to me but I love him anyway.
262.
EPIPHANY
[But
Illybrius has successfully fed you before!]
263.
EVRYN
That aside, how the
hell were you staying alive before you met Illy...oh... oh no... Poor Akuma.
264.
AKUMA, on the ground,
with angry marks
*whispered* I don't
dom, you unobservant--
265.
RULEAN, loudly
I don't care. Leaving
now.
266.
ORION
NO! Please! I...
would you... give me what I need?
267.
ZHANG
No, please die now
268.
EPIPHANY
[Could
you be a little more blatant in your porn-fishing?]
[What
happened to you trying to bargain for Illybrius's safety?]
[I
ask, knowing that you don't actually care.]
269.
RULEAN
--
270.
EPIPHANY, no sign
--
271.
[exit RULEAN, enter
USAGI]
272.
USAGI
Orion, you okay?
273.
ORION
L-Lee?
274.
USAGI
Usagi.
275.
AKUMA
*whispers*
unobservant
276.
EVRYN
SERIOUSLY. Lee's
voice actor and Usagi's voice actor sound nothing alike! Much like regular
Akuma and Lights-Out Akuma.
277.
REIYA
Muh?
278.
EVRYN
Yes, exactly!
279.
ORION
Where's Lee?
280.
USAGI
Illybrius is... he's
on the floor, in a kind of weird trance.
281.
EPIPHANY
[You
mean, he's concussed.]
282.
LYLE
No, no, he's
nonconsensually napping.
283.
ORION
He... Rulean or
whoever, he said...
284.
USAGI
His eyes are
half-glazed and he's just staring up at the ceiling. But he's definitely alive.
285.
EPIPHANY
[You
should probably take him to the hospital. That could be serious.]
286.
EVRYN
He's a demigod. Human
hospitals won't work on him.
287.
ORION
Didn't you see what
just happened?
288.
USAGI
I saw it. Look, I
fucking hate your guts, and propositioning someone else isn't helping.
289.
EPIPHANY
[Seriously.
What were you expecting to have happen?]
290.
USAGI
But I don't like
seeing my master hurt.
291.
ORION
THEN DO HIM A FAVOR
AND SLIT MY FUCKING THROAT, OKAY!
292.
SERLEINA, brandishing
her Device!
Ready? OKAY!
293.
EPIPHANY
[You
aren't even paying attention, are you?]
294.
EVRYN
Why would he do that?
295.
SERLEINA
Wait,
so...?
296.
MARIE
That's just Onion
being an emotionally-abusive little shit.
297.
SERLEINA
I
fail to see how this problem cannot be solved by the judicious application of a
DEVICE! to his throat.
298.
OVD
Thinking Room,
Serleina.
299.
MARIE
No, no, she has a
point! Onion being cut out of Illybrius's life would probably be unambiguously
good for him.
300.
USAGI
No, that would hurt
him MORE.
301.
MARIE
I mean, okay, there
would be the ouch at the start--
302.
ZHANG
I feel like Onion
withering away would be more satisfying.... Slow death he will supposedly face
from not feeding on Masochism.
303.
USAGI
Jeez, y'all-- meaning
Team Corri, not Commentary-- are practically interchangeable.
304.
ORION
Rulean said I was the
reason Illybrius is like this.
305.
USAGI
Yeah. I know. I heard
everything while I was backstage.
306.
ORION
First my family dies
because of me and now this.
307.
EPIPHANY rolls eyes
[And,
of course, it always has to be about YOU, Corri.]
308.
ORION
I'm not Corri, I'm
Orion! Bawwwwwww!
309.
USAGI
Like I said, y'all
are practically interchangeable.
310.
SERLEINA
TEXT
MESSAGE! Onion, your mom said your family
died out of shame from you being such a failing failure who fails.
311.
OVD
312.
Alright, Evryn, you're up!
313.
EVRYN smacks Onion
with the frying pan!
314.
WHOEVER F&W WANT TO DRAW
Huzzah! Huzzah!
Huzzah!
315.
--
ENDING
THEME: Will You Help Me Hide a Body
(At
the very end)
316.
OVD
I swear to Cthulhu
that if Onion doesn't come to work in the morning...
317.
EVRYN
What?
I didn't hit him that hard.
318.
OVD
I'm
not talking to you.
319.
SERLEINA
Hehehehe...
DEVICE!
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