Episode 44: Akuma's Miscarriage, part 4

 TITLE

Akuma's Miscarriage, part 4

11/02/08

 

TIME: 8.01 PM

 

3 EPIPHANY

[Remember earlier when Onion said if she lost the baby, she could die?]

[How is a little clump of cells not implanting going to kill her?]

 

4 EVRYN

Diffint. I see your point, but Diffint.

 

5 ILLYBRIUS

I should have asked Fabrizio to crystallise the child last night while you were in stasis. It wouldn’t have survived, but it would have given you more of a chance.

 

6 AKUMA

A chance to what? Lose more of my mind?

 

7 EVRYN

Like you have a functioning mind.

 

8 ILLYBRIUS

To survive.

 

9 AKUMA

The only thing that was being destroyed was my mind.

 

10 ILLYBRIUS

The child should have been from love, not rape. I’m so sorry.

 

11 EPIPHANY

   [So this gives you permission to abort it without her consent, too?]

 

12 EVRYN

Except Akuma can't really seem to make any proactive decisions on her own.

 

13 AKUMA

Please. It is not only your fault. I should take some of the blame as well.

 

14 ILLYBRIUS

For what?

 

15 AKUMA

For not telling you everything you needed to know.

 

16 EPIPHANY

[. . . Wait, so things are only Akuma's fault if it's victim-blaming?]

 

17 EVRYN

That's the most ... INTERESTING subversion of Never My Fault that I've seen to date.

 

18 ILLYBRIUS

If you can’t fix it, you’ve got to deal.

 

19 AKUMA

What?

 

20 ILLYBRIUS

We’ll do the best we can with what we have, with what we know now.

 

21 AKUMA

I agree.

 

22 ILLYBRIUS

Good.

 

23 enter ORION

 

24 EPIPHANY

[Oh, no, not HIM again.]

 

25 AKUMA

What is that?

 

26 ILLYBRIUS

Hmm?

 

27 AKUMA

a.   No. That is not food. That looks like shit.

b.   It’s what? I’m not eating it.

 

28

Akuma looks at Illybrius plaintively

 

29 AKUMA

He’s trying to feed me lizard guts or something.

 

30 EPIPHANY

   [Have you never actually SEEN lizard viscera?]

   [ It looks nothing like that.]

   [That's roe.]

 

31 ORION

It’s not lizard guts. It’s fish eggs.

 

32 EPIPHANY

   [See?]

 

33 ILLYBRIUS

I’ve eaten worse.

 

34 EPIPHANY

   [What are you talking about? Roe is delicious.]

   [Or, at least, was delicious back when I could eat it.]

 

35 EVRYN

That's Lee's way of saying he doesn't understand why Akuma's whinging about eating it.

 

36 EPIPHANY

   [Oh.]

 

37 SIGYN

Maybe it’s a texture thing?

 

38 AKUMA

No. I refuse.

 

39 ILLYBRIUS

Caviar? You’re feeding her caviar?

 

40 EPIPHANY

   [Yeah, those might be sturgeon.]

   [Sea urchin's better, though.]

 

41 ORION

a.   I would if she would try it. Fine.

b.   Steak with Velveeta and a potato with sour cream.

 

42 AKUMA

Better.

 

43 EVRYN

Well, she certainly has low-rent tastes.

 

44 ILLYBRIUS

If it helps, I won’t eat fish either.

 

45 SIGYN

I’m sure Akuma will be disappointed later.

 

46 AKUMA

I like most fish, but that was just nasty.

 

47 EPIPHANY

   [YOU'RE just nasty.]

[And you're eating Velveeta. Velveeta isn't cheese.]

 

48 ILLYBRIUS

Fuck. I hate this.

 

49 AKUMA

Go-men.

 

50 EPIPHANY

   [And then you start speaking in Japanese?]

   [Fucking weeaboo.]

 

51 ILLYBRIUS

No. It’s not you. It’s that whenever I get drunk, I—I’m horny as hell but I’m as emotional as Cinnamon.

 

52 AKUMA

Shall I let Orion take care of you?

 

53 ILLYBRIUS

I’m tempted, but I feel as though I should be supporting you instead. This is, what you call, a time in need?

 

54 AKUMA (with Epi holding up The Passive-Aggression of the Christ)

I’ll be fine. I need to eat. You can support me later. Let him take care of you. It’s his right as your bonded.

 

55 ILLYBRIUS

I could give a bull’s teat about that, but as you do need time to eat… Well, will you speak to me again when you’ve finished?

 

56 AKUMA

If I am still awake, I might fall asleep.

 

57 EPIPHANY

   [Well, duh. Sleeping people can't fall asleep. Then they'd be double asleep, and that doesn't work.]

   [Nonsense like this is why comma splices are bad.]

 

58 AKUMA

It’s been a long time since I was in my homeland again.

 

59 ILLYBRIUS

Very well. If you do fall asleep, I wish you sweet dreams.

 

60 CUE MUSIC: Sweet Dreams Are Made of Weebs

 

61 AKUMA

Thank you, Kibito.

 

62 EVRYN poses

Tree?

 

63 AKUMA

Have fun.

 

64 EPIPHANY

   [NO.]

   [BAD WEEABOO.]

 

65 ILLYBRIUS

And you as well.

 

66-68 EVRYN

But Epiphany's not a weeaboo!

 

69 ILLYBRIUS

I was talking to the actual weeaboo!

 

70 REIYA

What did I do?

 

71 ILLYBRIUS

The other – god damn it, there’s two of you fuckers. Just kill me now.

 

72 OVD

Sorry, your contract says you have to be here for another two years.

 

73 ORION

There we go. Now she is fed. I really need to get another pet in here to watch her.

 

74 EPIPHANY zaps Orion

 

75 ORION

I see you didn’t ask about our homeland.

 

76 ILLYBRIUS

Won’t remember in the morning.

 

77 ORION

Ah. Now what is it that you wanted?

 

78 ILLYBRIUS blushes

 

79 USAGI

Oh, get on with it already. He wants you to do him.

 

80 ORION

Oh. I figured you would want to spend more time with Akuma.

 

81 EPIPHANY

   [Translation: Shame on you for not wanting to spend more time with Akuma.]

 

82 ILLYBRIUS

I—Damn it, I do, but I can’t really concentrate on much except--

 

83 EPIPHANY

   [ {Crude doodle of a dong goes here} ]

 

84 ORION

Very well. Is this what you want?

 

85 ILLYBRIUS

Erto momenta. For the moment.

 

86 ORION

Well then, I will give it to you, but you must not remember not to get mad if I--I still need to check on her in case of problems.

 

87 EPIPHANY

   [Translation: I may demand that you return your attention to Akuma's foetus at any time.]

 

88 ILLYBRIUS

Too goddamn drunk to be mad.

 

89 SIGYN

I wish I had that problem.

 

90 EVRYN

Me too.

 

91 ORION

Good. Then strip. And once done, get on all fours with your ass in the air.

 

92 AHRRY

HEE-HAW, HEE-HAW, FUCK YOU, HEE-HAW!

 

93 EPIPHANY

   [Can't you go somewhere else to do that?!]

 

95 OVD

Unfortunately, it's in their contracts that this be part of the show.

 

96 EPIPHANY

   [This is terrible.]

 

97 EVRYN

Even worse, it's Corrible. Luckily for you, you don’t have to watch it.

 

98 Agequit EPIPHANY

 

99 LIGHTS OUT and the following is heard

 

100 ILLYBRIUS

I'm ready, Master Orion.

 

101 ORION

Good. Now this is for being too hasty. You need a spanking. And you had better count them as we go.

 

102 WHITE TEXT

Orion smacks Illybrius.

 

103 USAGI

Fuck this shit. I’m leaving.

 

104 REIYA

What? No fair. How come he gets to leave?

 

105 EVRYN

Because we're Commentary and he's just a character.

 

106 REIYA

Oh. Dang. Popcorn?

 

107 EVRYN

No thanks, I want to try and get drunk.

 

108 REIYA

Probably a good idea. I wouldn't have an appetite, either, but I just went through, like, three joints of Nef's stuff.

 

109 EVRYN

Really? Then you should find this entertaining.

 

110 REIYA

*giggles* Here's hopin'!

 

111 ILLYBRIUS

‘Sagi, what’s wrong?

 

112 USAGI

You're horny as hell, right? Well, I'm right here and you're with him instead!

 

113 EVRYN

Almost as if people can CHOOSE whom they want to have sex with! Amazing!

 

114 SIGYN

Wait, they can?

 

115 USAGI

Where the fuck does that leave me?

 

116 EVRYN

That sounds like a personal problem.

 

117 ORION

You can join.

 

118 enter MINESWEEPER

 

119 MINESWEEPER

A moment, Sir Enzeru. They are in the midst of a brawl. At least, that's what I was told to say. I can't see anything in this wretched darkness.

 

120 SERLEINA

Have you tried lighting a candle?

 

121 OVD

DO NOT.

 

122 CUE MUSIC: Light My Candle

 

123 ORION

That’s fine. Gives me an excuse to go check Akuma.

 

124 REIYA

That's. . . more blatant than I was expecting.

 

125 CUE fight-sounds

 

126 exit MINESWEEPER

 

127 ILLYBRIUS

Desolé. I love both of you boys.

 

128 ORION

I know.

 

129 WHITE TEXT

Illybrius snuggles both Orion and Usagi.

 

130 ILLYBRIUS

By the way, master, one.

 

131 ORION

Yes?

 

132 ILLYBRIUS

You told me to count. Counted one. One smack so far.

 

133 ORION

Yes, I know. However, I am waiting to see if you knew the rest. I guess not. You say the number, then “Thank you Master.”

 

134 EVRYN

He should thank you for domestically abusing him?

 

135 REIYA

Eh, it's consensual, innit?

 

136 EVRYN

I don't remember him consenting to that.

 

137 REIYA

Oh, hey, you're right. Huh. Do they not discuss this kinda stuff beforehand?

 

138 OVD

They certainly did not.

 

139 REIYA

This O-rai-uhn guy's a bad dom.

 

140 ORION

It's OR-ee-uhn!

 

141 EVRYN

Whatever you say, Corri-on.

 

143 USAGI

Haha, he would have said it if Cinnamon was here. She’s the expert at kinky S&M.

 

144a EVRYN

It's almost like Illybrius isn't into BDSM! SHOCKING!

 

144b REIYA

As I said before, this is something you talk about beforehand, you ding-dong dumbshit.

 

145 ILLYBRIUS

Shut up, you. One, thank you master.

 

146 EVRYN

We most certainly will NOT shut up! Consent is important, especially in BDSM situations.

 

147 WHITE TEXT

Orion smacks.

 

148 ILLYBRIUS

Two, thank you Master.

 

149 WHITE TEXT

Orion smacks.

 

150 ORION

Let’s make them a bit harder.

 

151 WHITE TEXT

Orion smacks.

 

152 ILLYBRIUS

Three… thank you, Master.

 

153 REIYA

This is boring!

   

154 EVRYN

I concur.

 

155 USAGI

You said I could join in. Join in doing what?

 

156 ORION

Getting spanked, for now.

 

157 WHITE TEXT

Orion smacks.

 

158 USAGI

No. I answer to nobody but Illybrius.

 

159 ILLYBRIUS

Four, thank you master.

 

160 ORION

Hmm. Seems they need to be a bit harder.

 

161 WHITE TEXT

Orion smacks.

 

162 USAGI

Fuck this. I’m out of here.

 

163 EVRYN

You said that already.

 

164 USAGI

I’m going back to Boston.

 

165 ILLYBRIUS

‘Sagi, ‘Sagi, don’t go.

 

166 USAGI

WHY NOT?!

 

167 ILLYBRIUS

I like you. Master, can he be holding me?

 

168 ORION

Better yet, go ahead and fuck him, but don’t be too rough.

 

169 WHITE TEXT

Illybrius makes a ^_^ face.

 

170 ILLYBRIUS

Thank you.  By the way, five? Thank you, Master.

 

171 ORION

You missed. That means we start over again.

 

172 EVRYN

He didn’t miss. He just said it belatedly.

 

173 REIYA

And no, it doesn't, because you didn't discuss this beforehand.

 

174 ILLYBRIUS

Start from one?

 

175 ORION

Yes.

 

176 USAGI

That is pointless. The punishment’s gonna put him to sleep. S’good you let him take me, but we’re both getting impatient for you to start fucking him alrea—

 

177 WHITE TEXT

Usagi is overcome by bliss.

 

178 ORION

Pet...

 

179 REIYA zaps Orion

 

180 ORION

Take him hard and fast. You’ll get your punishment as you do so.

 

181 ILLYBRIUS

Yes, Master.

 

182 USAGI

Hard and fast? Is there any other way?

 

183 ORION

I could have it do you very slow.

 

184 REIYA

"It"? What the fuck?

 

185 ORION

Show him how slow is pure bliss too, Pet.

 

186 REIYA zaps Orion

 

187 USAGI

OH MY GOD—I CAN FEEL EVERYTHING—

 

188 ORION

Very gentle thrusts, Pet.

 

189 REIYA zaps Orion

 

190 ILLYBRIUS

S’no fun.

 

191 ORION

Yes, but you need to prove a point to him.

 

192 REIYA

What point? That you're an ass?

 

193 WHITE TEXT

Orion smacks.

 

194 ORION

I know you are but what am I?

 

195 EVRYN

Stick a dildo in your eye.

   

196 ORION

Dare me to?

   

197a EVRYN

Ew.

 

197b. SIGYN

Copycat.

 

198 USAGI

a.   And that is why I won’t accept your offer, Orion.

b.  Maybe Illybrius doesn’t love me, but he doesn’t punish me like that.

c.   If you’re going to fuck him, fuck him.

d.  If not, go away and let him talk to Akuma.

 

199 ORION

Very well. It seems the Rabbit wants me to leave. Then you pleasure him. Just remember, you told me to leave.

 

200 REIYA

Failure to differentiate between Lee and Usagi. Good job.

 

201 ILLYBRIUS

Don’t! Master Orion, no leave.

 

202 ORION

Fine. I’ll stay. But you can use your pet.

 

203 REIYA zaps Orion

 

204 ORION

I’ll stay put.

 

205 ILLYBRIUS

But I want you. Both of you.

 

206 ORION

I gave you an order.

 

207 EVRYN

Yeah, I don't remember Illybrius ever actually agreeing to receive orders from you, so you can sit the fuck down, bucko.

 

208 ILLYBRIUS

Why are you so cruel?

 

209 REIYA

...Considering that he's a demon, that comes across as an incredibly stupid question.

 

210 EVRYN

"Demon" means something different where he's from. In Celestia, a "demon" is simply an unknown or uncategorized creature.

 

211 ORION

FUCK!

 

212 LIGHTS ON

 

213 USAGI

Shit! He’s shaking! WHAT THE FUCK?!

 

214 ORION

Damn it. I’ll be back. Akuma…

 

215 USAGI

Hey! Hey, calm down, my lord. You’re getting blood everywhere.

 

216 ORION

Fuck, Lee, she’s losing the baby.

 

217 EVRYN

Which Corri just made up just now to punish Illybrius for wanting sex from Orion. Charming.

 

218 EPIPHANY

   [Saw that one coming a mile away.]

 

219 USAGI

I know he needs to know that, but he’s already crying!

 

220 ORION

I have to have his permission!

 

221 USAGI

For what?

 

222 ORION

TO KILL THE CHILD OR LOSE THEM BOTH!

 

223 EPIPHANY

   [ I'm running out of ways to rehash how completely arbitrarily Orion treats the issue of obtaining consent to do something.]

   [His characterisation is really inconsistent]

   

224 ORION

I'm not incontinent!

 

225 SERLEINA

It's good to know you're litterbox-trained.

 

226 ILLYBRIUS

Kill the fetus.

 

227 ORION

I am sorry about this, Lee. Give me a few minutes.

 

228 USAGI

You should be sorry! You made him cry, you motherfucking son of a whore!

 

229 AKUMA

Kibito…

 

230 EPIPHANY

   [You are doing it wrong. Go directly to fail. Do not pass Go. Do not collect ¥20,000.]

 

231 EVRYN poses

Tree?

 

232 ILLYBRIUS

Miss Akuma

 

233 AKUMA

It hurts.

 

234 EVRYN

Yeah, that kinda hurt my ears, too. What the fuck, Lee?

 

235 USAGI

Akuma, I’m going to warn you the carpet’s covered in blood. Your brother made him cry.

 

236 AKUMA

The baby.

 

237 EPIPHANY

   [Probably also covered in blood.]

 

238 EVRYN

I'd say it sounded delicious if it wasn't Akuma's fetus.

 

239 ILLYBRIUS

I’m sorry.

 

240 AKUMA

Lee.

 

241 ILLYBRIUS

I’m here.

 

242 AKUMA

Go men Nazi.

 

243 EPIPHANY

   [And here we go with the Nazis again.]

 

244 CUE MUSIC: Springtime for Hitler

 

245 ILLYBRIUS

Don’t. I’m the one who should be sorry.

 

246 AKUMA faints

 

247 ILLYBRIUS

No! Akuma! What’s happening?

 

248 EPIPHANY

   [You started talking about yourself.]

 

249 ORION

I can’t stabilize her.

 

250 USAGI

TRY HARDER!

 

251 ORION

I AM!

 

252 EPIPHANY

   [You suck at first aid.]

 

253 USAGI

If you can’t save her, what the hell are you good for, huh?

 

254 EPIPHANY

   [Nothing.]

 

255 ORION

There! LEE! Reconnect the bond!

 

256 EPIPHANY

   [ Is the part where Lee shouts "Clear!" and shocks her with a defibrillator?]

 

257 ILLYBRIUS

Connecting--can she feel it?

 

258 EPIPHANY

   [Oh. Guess not.]

 

259 ORION

There. Now hang on.

 

260 EPIPHANY

[ I know I asked this already, but didn't you want to kill her earlier?]

 

261 ORION

Shut up, that's not the point!