TITLE
We Lived In
Italy Before It Was Greece
Part 1: 36
Pages of Utter Bullshit
TIME: 7.00
PM
3 ILLYBRIUS
Thinking
about humorous situations sometimes helps. Comedies and the like.
5 EVRYN
Whenever I
want to laugh my arse off, I think of Akuma going on a date!
6 AHRRY
That just
makes me sad because she goes on more dates than I do.
7 SERLEINA
SUCKS FOR YOU~
8 AHRRY
Moo.
9 AKUMA
I find
making things helps for me. Hey, Lee? I don’t think I’ll ever lose the gold in my eyes that I gained from you
or your ability with fire. However, it seems I boosted the fire with my own
power and can create it.
10 EPIPHANY
[So, new sparklepowers and she has precious metal
embedded in her eyes.]
11 REIYA
Meanwhile,
there's these cows in Avernum 1 in the Great Cave that are so lonely that they
stalk your party and just hug on you so that you can't go continuously because
you can only move one square at a time when there's a unit next to your party,
so it takes a bunch more time to get from point A to point B with these COWS
CLINGING ONTO YOU because you have to click for every square instead of being
able to hold down the button.
12 SIGYN
How, now?
13 REIYA
Because
Akuma's clinginess and Ahrry's mooing reminded me of it.
14 SERLEINA
HOW NOW, GOLD COW?
15 EVRYN
I think she means the COLOUR gold—
16 SERLEINA
That's what I just
SAID.
17 EPIPHANY
[She was responding to me.]
18 SERLEINA
Oh.
19 EVRYN
— but with
Akuma, you never know. And as for the sparklepowers, I assumed that was the
Razzlewater.
20 *awkward
pause*
21 EVRYN
I said, THE
RAZZLEWATER.
22 DREPANON,
offstage
I don't
wanna.
23 REIYA
Do it!
24 DREPANON
No!
There's... The Audience is there!
25 REIYA
Why WOULDN'T
the Audience be there?
26 DREPANON
I'm not
doing it again and you can't make me!
27 REIYA
Right... Be
right back, guys!
28 /schemequit Reiya
29 DREPANON
streaks the stage, sparkling and on fire
WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY?????
30 SERLEINA
I WOULD HAVE THOUGHT THAT AFTER GOING
THROUGH THIS THE FIRST THREE TIMES, YOU WOULD HAVE LEARNED TO STOP, DROP, AND
ROLL!
31 TOKIOMI
Sigyn, what
are you mumbling?
32 THE
STUDIO IS FLOODED. AGAIN.
33 OVD
GUG BLUB UB!!
34 Everyone
swims out the emergency window.... and then promptly starts falling. Then they
land, somewhat painlessly.
35 AKUMA
WEHHHHHTTTTT!
36 ILLYBRIUS
I’ll take that as a good thing.
37 SERLEINA
nobby.
38 AKUMA
THANKS FOR
RUBBING IT IN, SERLEINA!
39 SERLEINA
You're welcome~
40 EPIPHANY,
gleefully
[So much for that forge!]
41 EVRYN
HOW DID YOUR
MARKERS SURVIVE?!
42 EPIPHANY
[I put them in a baggie.]
43 EVRYN
Okay, but
how did you know the studio was gonna flood?
44 EPIPHANY
[I prepared myself ahead of time when I read the
script and saw mentions of Razzlewater.]
45 SIGYN
Yeah, but how
did you know I would save Dre—
46 EVRYN
ARE YOU
KIDDING ME.
47 OVD
So I guess we're
filming OUTSIDE, NOW.
48 SIGYN
At least I
didn't flood the entire building this time!
49 REIYA
I was gonna
say, at least you didn't flood the set with cooler water.
50 SIGYN
Why would I
*DO* that?!
51 REIYA
Because you
hate everything.
52 SIGYN
But I was
trying to— ugh! Forget it! You just don't understand me! No one understands me!
53 TOKIOMI
She was trying
to save that demon that was on fire. For... some... reason.
54 SIGYN,
blushing
Oh my god,
Tokiomi, shut up!
55 EVRYN
But you JUST
SAID—
56 SIGYN, luminescent
blush (have fun Shooping that, Piffy!)
URUSAI, BAKA!
57 EPIPHANY
[応答でそれを尊敬したくありません。]
(“I don’t
want to respect it in response”; was supposed to be “I don’t want to dignify
that with a response”)
58 TOKIOMI
At least it
wasn't, "Onegai, Otou-sama!"
59 REIYA
Yikes!
60 TOKIOMI
...There's ...
precedent.
61 EPIPHANY
[Don't tell Jirou I said this, but that is
disgusting.]
62 TOKIOMI
I agree.
63 EVRYN
Why would we
tell Jirou, and why don't you want us to?
64 EPIPHANY
[Most of his dating sims are sis-con.]
65 SIGYN
Ew, why.
66 REIYA
INCEST IS WI—
67 SERLEINA
makes an airhorn noise
68 SERLEINA
Back to the story, kiddos!
69 ILLYBRIUS
You should
be able to use some earth magic as well.
70 TOKIOMI
Please don't
encourage her to use earth magic. Because then we'll all end up six feet under.
And not in the sexy way.
71 EVRYN
Ayyyyyyy.
72 ILLYBRIUS
I was
talking to Akuma, the actual protagonist of this—
73 CIN
WHOA, WHOA,
WAIT A MINUTE.
74 ILLYBRIUS
Deuteragonist?
75 CIN
Fuck off!
76 AKUMA
I… haven’t tried that yet.
77 EVRYN
You should.
You should totally try fucking off.
78 OVD, from
THE FICUS
Illybrius, remember
last time Sigyn flooded the studio and I told you to let Akuma drown?
79 AKUMA
HEY!
80 ILLYBRIUS
Hey, I saved
my own self this time!
81 AKUMA
Lee!
82 DREPANON
*I* saved
Akuma.
83 OVD
Why?
84 DREPANON
Because I'm—
be— Spoi... Exp... ARGH!
85 SERLEINA
To spite the Audience?
86 DREPANON
YES THAT.
87 EPIPHANY
[Good job spiting the rest of us while you're at
it.]
88 EVRYN
Also, good
job spiting the person who started a flood to save your arse.
89 DREPANON
Thank you.
Now, Akuma, you were saying, about awakening your ability to use earth powers?
90 AKUMA
I said,
"I haven't tried that yet."
91 EPIPHANY
[Translation: Shut up. Earth powers
would involve sharing the spotlight with something more interesting than me.]
92 EVRYN
giggles
93 SIGYN
Um, you're
already sharing the spotlight with someone more interesting than you. Pretty
much everyone out here, in fact. Well, maybe not Tokiomi and me, but the rest
of you.
94 OVD
Also, while we are on
the subject of the studio flooding—
95 DREPANON
I thought we
were no longer on that subject!
96 OVD
I'm the director and
you can shut your whore mouth. Audience 1, you promised not to flood the studio
again unless Meta was in danger. Does Drepanon look AT ALL like Meta to you?
97 SIGYN
My apologies,
Director. Sometimes they're just so similar that I have difficulty telling them
apart, regardless of their physical appearances.
98 EVRYN
Well, that
explains why you're seemingly in love with both of them.
99 SIGYN,
luminescently blushing again
ONORE—!
100 EVRYN
NO YOU.
101 EPIPHANY
[The rudest "You".]
102 FRED
Akuma
probably won’t try earth
magic, because fire is cooler.
103 EVRYN
I would have thought fire was hotter.
104 FRED
And it makes
light!
105 DREPANON
I can
confirm that fire is, indeed, hotter than earth, at least, the earth on the
surface.
106 EPIPHANY
[Okay, because I was about to say.]
[Also, has Akuma never seen Avatar: The Last
Airbender? Toph is the coolest character on the show.]
107 EVRYN
She's
certainly cooler than anyone on this show.
108 FRED
I beg your
pardon.
109 EVRYN
What do I
look like, the Queen?
110. FRED
I'M THE
LIGHTING GUY.
111 OVD
That automatically
makes him the best.
112 SERLEINA
No, stupid. He's the best because he's Fred.
Fred is ALWAYS the best. Well, except when he's dead. Then he's just Dead Fred.
113 JEPH
[SUBTLE FORESHADOWING]
[but not for DoF]
114 AKUMA
Orion left
me a note saying you were going to tell the people. Did you?
115 EVRYN
Just to
recap, that's saying Orion left Akuma a note that said Illybrius was going to
tell the people of Celestia about the abortion of a non-Celestia denizen.
116 EPIPHANY
[Technically failure to implant, but it's being
treated by the narrative as an abortion, so we're calling it an abortion.]
117 REIYA
*slow clap*
118 ILLYBRIUS
I sent
Usagi. The villagers of Peruru dislike me strongly, but they do not seem to
mind him.
119 AKUMA
Oh. And you… named them?
120 EVRYN
The aborted
zygotes or the villagers?
121 ILLYBRIUS
I did, if
you don’t mind. The
zygotes, I mean. Presumably, Moon Moon named our villagers. I mean, I've got an
ex-wife named Oleander Swallow. Explain THAT.
122 AKUMA
No. I don’t mind. It is the father that names
the children, after all.
123 EPIPHANY
[So, Onion should have been the one to tell...
uh... the Demon Mafia?]
124 DREPANON
The Demon
Realm from which we hail is called Gä’Auth.
125 EVRYN
*bursts into
laughter* Oh, are you shitting me?
126 DREPANON
I shit you
not. Gä’Auth.
127 EPIPHANY
[Can you spell that?]
128 DREPANON,
condescendingly
Can you read
the subtitles, little girl?
129 EPIPHANY
[No, my glasses are fogged up.]
130 DREPANON,
still condescendingly
Capital G,
umlaut a, apostrophe, capital A, u, t, h.
131 EPIPHANY
[That's STUPID.]
132 DREPANON
That's Moon
Moon for you.
133 ILLYBRIUS
Damn Moon
Moon.
134 DREPANON
Well, I
would say that as the original Demon King, Moon Moon is already damned, in
fact.
135 OVD
I thought my
father-in-law was the original Demon King.
136 SIGYN
Hey, that's
what I was going t—Go on, OVD.
137 EVRYN
Actually, it
sounds like something my father would say. Which leads me to this: Why do *I*
have to be nice to Grandfather and he DOESN'T?
138 OVD
Presumably, because he
said so.
139 EVRYN
That's
bollocks.
140 SIGYN
Totally.
141 EVRYN
Right, so,
since Onion's the actual father, he should be the one to announce the names of
the aborted zygotes to the citizens of Remirum and ... Gä’Auth. There's no
reason to involve Celestia in this at all.
142 SIGYN
ACTUALLY WAIT!
Didn't Illybrius appoint Akuma as the new Meliara of Fertility and Bacon or
something?
143 EPIPHANY
[I thought she fainted instead of taking the job
offer. And then Corri yelled a lot.]
144 SERLEINA
Animals and Fertility, not Fertility and
Bacon!
145 SIGYN
Same thing!
146 TOKIOMI
Just because
you're a vegetarian now doesn't mean you get to lump all animals in with
"bacon".
147 EPIPHANY
[I do not understand the American Bacon Culture.]
148 TOKIOMI
Well, you
wouldn't. You can't eat.
149 AKUMA
But Orion didn’t tell me what they were before he
left. Would you please tell me?
150 ILLYBRIUS
I named them
Rangiora and Belladonna.
151 EVRYN
Okay, but
what did the actual father rename them?
152 DREPANON,
sarcastically
Jacqueline
and Jillian.
153 OVD
ANACHRONISMS!
154 DREPANON
According to
you, I am an anachronism!
155 OVD
Get off my—
156 DREPANON
Lawn?
157 OVD
... Oh. Shit.
158 AKUMA
Thank you.
They are beautiful names, Lee.
159 DREPANON
So are Jack
and Jill. Not that I would ever name my children that.
160 SERLEINA
No, what YOU named YOUR children was
arguably much, much worse.
161 OVD
Out-of-character,
Serleina!
162 SERLEINA
I'm a crew member, talking ficus!
163 DREPANON
places a lampshade gently on top of the talking ficus.
164 OVD
You still suck at
names.
165 DREPANON
It's a grand
tradition handed down through the ages from our progenitor, The Original Demon
King, His Majesty, the Great, Grand, and Terrible Moon Moon.
166 SIGYN
I love his
sense of humor.
167 EVRYN
He's 100%
serious.
168 TOKIOMI
Wait, no. No!
He can't be Sirius! That's— no!
169 EVRYN
Wait, you
actually know someone named Sirius?
170 SERLEINA
Yeah, she's another member of my pack, whose
name Tokiomi called out IN BED THAT ONE TIME.
171 TOKIOMI
Am I ever
going to live that down?
172 SERLEINA
Yeah, sure, right around the time America
lives down — uhh, I can reference the
2016-2020 presidency on the show, right?
173 EVRYN
We already
explained that to Onion, but uh, couldn't you have just said Bush?
174 SERLEINA
Yeah, but that's the one that helped us live
down Bush.
175 OVD
Now back to Akuma's
non-implanted eggs, "Rangiora and Belladonna". And their plant-themed
names.
176 AKUMA
I’m sure the girls loved them.
177 EPIPHANY
[They were clumps of undifferentiated cells, which
lack the ability to feel anything.]
[Such as love.]
178 SERLEINA
WHAT IS LOVE?
179 EVRYN
Something
you—
180 AKUMA
BABY DON'T
HURT ME, DON'T HURT ME, NO MORE!
181 REIYA
Well,
they're not anymore, are they?
182 AKUMA
I would have
called you. However… it is the time of mourning and I cannot break tradition.
183 EPIPHANY
[Fuck tradition.]
184 EVRYN
Ohbby. Also,
she's talking right now. So... yeah.
185 DREPANON
You should
have heard her when she was a new recruit. She literally never shut up, even in
her sleep. To this day I have a low tolerance for motormouths.
186 SIGYN
...oh.
187 ILLYBRIUS
I
understand.
188 SIGYN
Oh, like
you're so fucking stoic.
189 ILLYBRIUS
In any
event, I’d not have been
here to answer.
190 AKUMA
Well, it’s just that I cannot speak on the
phone for fear that the souls will want to remain here even though they don’t belong.
191 EVRYN
Oh, on the
phone! You and Onion didn't specify that before!
192 AKUMA
It’s silly, but… it was the least I could do, since I
was in no condition to witness the funeral.
193 ILLYBRIUS
It isn’t silly.
194 EPIPHANY
[Yes it is!]
194 EVRYN
It totally is!
195 DREPANON
No, he's
right. It isn't silly. It's mind-numbingly daffy.
196 SERLEINA,
spitting like Daffy
Tttthhhhhaaaay what?
197 DREPANON
Say whatever
you want, just don't spray it on me.
198 REIYA
Spray you
with cooler—
199 REIYA is tackled by an armored-up Sigyn
200 SIGYN is now on top of Reiya, holding her
crossbow at Reiya's throat.
201 SIGYN
You want to
try that again, sweetheart?
202 REIYA
...
203 SIGYN
...
204 REIYA
Yikes.
205 ILLYBRIUS
I don’t wish to upset you, but your host
has threatened to castrate me—
206 REIYA
Oh sure, all
YOU get is a castration threat! QUOTH THE REIYA, CRY-ETH MOAR.
207 SERLEINA
You do realize that castration is more
painful to live with than an arrow to the throat, right?
208 SIGYN,
quietly and calmly
Let's test
that theory. That's what you always say, right, Serleina?
209 SERLEINA
Okay, let's just all mellow out a bit and
let Illybrius continue with his boring story about Corri wanting to castrate
him.
210 AKUMA
I know.
211 ROSEMARY
You know
what?
212 EPIPHANY
[She knows that this is a theme with Corri.]
[Because Corri throws around castration threats
like they're candy.]
213 DREPANON,
instantly distracted!
Candy?
Where!
214 EPIPHANY
[Candrani isn't in this season.]
215 DREPANON
... Not
exactly my type. I was referring to the sweet food made with sugar or syrup and
combined with fruit, chocolate, or nuts.
216 EPIPHANY
[Well, I know a guy with a van. He's nice.]
217 CIN
For fuck's
sake. There's a candy shop two blocks down. I've got store credit under the
alias "Morgan Gray." Use it if you want. Just GO. You're holding up
production.
218 /gladquit
DREPANON
219 SIGYN
WHY DID YOU
*DO* THAT?!
220 CIN
Because
you're being paid to watch the show, not Drepanon's demon butt!
221 SIGYN
It wasn't his
butt I was— oh, forget it.
222 CIN
Do you think
we should tell him to put clothes on before he goes?
223 enter
DREPANON
224 DREPANON
I forgot my
trench coat.
225 DREPANON starts climbing the studio building
and kicks his way in through the window. When he reappears, he is wearing a
very wet, red-lined black trench coat.
226 /exit
DREPANON
227 SIGYN
bursts into very dramatic tears.
228 TOKIOMI
She... does
this. Though normally it's when I ask her to leave her room or take those
pictures of him down for a routine inspection of our flat.
229 AKUMA
When Orion
brought her here, she kinda overreacted.
230 TOKIOMI
Yes, I was
there for that, too. You don't need to remind me. You're not a very polite young
lady. I'm realizing that now.
231 AKUMA
I tried to
let her know it wasn’t only your fault—
232 EPIPHANY
[Try "not his fault in the slightest,"
actually.]
233 AKUMA
—but my
emotions were… jumbled at
best.
234 EPIPHANY
[no1curr]
235 AKUMA
I am sorry
that she did.
236 TOKIOMI
Not as sorry
as I am. I have to LIVE with it. The court order said so.
237 EVRYN
Okay, but
who’s the one who petitioned for guardianship?
238 TOKIOMI
I was
nominated, actually.
239 AKUMA
I'm talking
about Corri threatening to castrate Illybrius! I should have tried to explain
things better, but I was so upset I couldn’t remember how to write in English and Orion locked
himself in the library, so he was no help.
240 EPIPHANY
[But doesn't he claim to be
illiterate?]
241 EVRYN
ESPECIALLY in English?
242 SERLEINA
Like the sense made on this show, and also
the Audience's mom, it comes and goes.
243 EVRYN
♪ No help, no help at all, the stupid-arse Onion was no help at all! ♪
244 ILLYBRIUS
a) I understand.
b) However, I do not wish to come
between her and my own host’s friendship.
245 ROSEMARY
Who are your
friends?
246 EPIPHANY
[Presumably people who don't want to
remove his genitals from his person.]
247 EVRYN
So what
you're saying is that he has no friends.
248 ILLYBRIUS
You
understand, I assume?
249 EVRYN
After Epi
explained it, yes.
250. ILLYBRIUS
a) Cinnamon
is my follower and is thus honor-bound not to let any harm come to me if she
can help it.
b) For some
reason, she seems to forget that every time the FUCKING STUDIO GETS DESTROYED.
251 CINNAMON
Oops.
252 REIYA
I'm sure she
has her own stuff to worry about in that case.
253 ILLYBRIUS
That's no
excuse, you idiot! She's supposed to drop everything and come to my aid!
254 ROSEMARY
I didn’t know you could use cinnamon for
that. I usually use it on my toast.
255 EPIPHANY
[I like cinnamon. Cinnamon's okay,
too.]
256 EVRYN
I WANT to ask, but there's no way it won't sound perverted without
subtitles.
257 OVD
Evryn, we DO have
subtitles.
258 EVRYN
I don't get
subtitles during rehearsal, though.
259 OVD
Since when do you
rehearse?!
260 EVRYN
Where do you
think all my bloopers come from?!
261 MARIE
I'm allergic
to cinnamon.
262 CINNAMON
Oh.
263 MARIE
Ah-choo!
264 CINNAMON
Rude.
265 MARIE
It burns!
266 CINNAMON
Also rude.
267 MARIE
You know
what else is rude? Giving me chemical burns. On my tongue. It's terrible.
268 CINNAMON
... I...
apolo...gize?
269 TOKIOMI
I'm going to
stay far away from YOU.
270 MARIE
No, Tokiomi,
I actually mean cinnamaldehyde, the primary flavor compound in the spice. I
have a contact allergy.
271 REIYA
I was going
to suggest setting her up with Drepanon.
272 MARIE
Well, I'm
sure that'll happen anyway.
273 SIGYN
But—
274 MARIE
They're cute
together.
275 SIGYN
BUT—
276 AKUMA,
loudly
I know and
Corri knows. However, Corri has a problem with her temper when it comes to her
family.
277 EPIPHANY
[The question is, why would anyone
want to be friends with Corri?]
278 EVRYN
I assume because Akuma's a parasite and Corri was the best viable host.
279 EPIPHANY
[ I meant Illybrius's line about not
wanting to come between Cinnamon's and Corri's friendship.]
280 EVRYN
Cinnamon's not used to having anyone want to talk to her. APPARENTLY she
gives people contact burns on their tongues, so there's that too. Y'know, her
relationship problems with Bastion are starting to make more sense in light of
that.
281 MARIE
I MEANT THE
SPICE!
282 EVRYN
Suuuure you
did.
283 MARIE
I was just
giving her guff!
284 EVRYN
Suuuuuure
you were.
285 AKUMA
She would
never act on her threat unless I gave her an okay; that is never going to
happen.
286 ROSEMARY
She is very
nice, so I would not worry about it. Don’t be afraid.
287 EPIPHANY
[Sometimes I wonder how much the show Rosemary thinks
she's in differs from the actual one.]
288 EVRYN
Well, I
think she's just happier in her alternate reality. I know I would be.
289 ROSEMARY
Hello,
Evryn. Would you like some rainbow pie?
290 EVRYN
No thanks. I
have Flasky.
291 TOKIOMI
Rosemary's
right, though. Corri does seem nice, and all you lot ever do is talk trash
about her! What's wrong with you, rude girls?
292 EPIPHANY
[1) That's Doctor to you now.]
293 TOKIOMI
What's WRONG
with you, Dr. Rude Girl-who-is-Small?
294 EPIPHANY
[Should I start with the temporal rubber-banding,
the dead parents, the having to be home-schooled because I'm disabled and only
a quarter Japanese and school children are racist and ableist little shits
empowered by a cultural attitude towards bullying that amounts to everyone
sticking their fingers in their ears and pretending it's a) not happening and
b) my fault for not conforming hard enough, the probability that I will still
be here and losing my mind after the universe dies, the debilitation of rigour
mortis that never ends, the never knowing the sweet relief of unconsciousness
or sleep ever again, or the spending so much time listening to the manufactured
drama that is this show?]
295 TOKIOMI
I see. Have
you tried having a better att—ow!
296 TOKIOMI now has an arrow sticking through him.
297 SIGYN
We've had this
discussion.
298 EPIPHANY, with scalpel out.
299 EPIPHANY puts scalpel back in pocket.
300 EPIPHANY
[Thank you.]
301 AKUMA
And Orion
figured out that the last scripture has been broken.
302 ILLYBRIUS
Is that a
good thing?
303 AKUMA
In a way,
yes. Because it only said I would lose a child.
304 ROSEMARY
But you’re not explaining anything.
305 EPIPHANY
[You'll get used to that.]
306 AKUMA
But I didn’t lose ONE. I lost two, so it’s broken.
307 EPIPHANY
[It's in a language with distinct plurals!]
308. EVRYN
Yeah, it was
in English. Weren’t you paying attention during Scriptures? Wait, no, of course
you weren’t.
309. AHRRY
MISSION
SUCCESS!
310 ROSEMARY
I’m sorry, how many presents did you
get this year?
311 EPIPHANY
[ I haven't been counting.]
312 EVRYN
Seven hundred eighty-two if you count strychnine-laced cupcakes as a
"present"
313 EPIPHANY
[ Is that counting the cupcakes
individually or collectively?]
314 EVRYN
a)
If I were counting collectively, it'd be...
b) 67. 65 plates of cupcakes, a job offer,
and a detailed contract for that job.
315 AKUMA
Sorry. I am
still having a hard time.
316 ROSEMARY
With what?
317 EVRYN
Presumably,
Epiphany and me talking about Epiphany and me.
318 ILLYBRIUS
I
understand. Please don’t feel rushed.
319 AKUMA
I am making
you something.
320 ILLYBRIUS
That is
sweet of you.
321 AKUMA
It is my
weapons.
322 ROSEMARY
What are
your weapons?
323 AKUMA
Twin
double-edged swords that never dull because they are made with soul magic.
324 ROSEMARY
I don’t want to date you!
325 EPIPHANY
looks over at Evryn
[Say, English is your first language,
right?]
326 EVRYN
Yeah.
327 EPIPHANY
[Did what Akuma said have some
idiomatic meaning I'm missing?]
328 EVRYN
You asked if English was my first language, not Suemerican
329 EPIPHANY
[Oh.]
330 EVRYN
But it would be just like Akuma to bully someone into dating her, though
her methods seem to be more along the lines of guilt-tripping and other forms
of emotional abuse than anything physical... unless you count rape, which seems
to be these peoples' default mode.
331 AKUMA
They are
called Claw, which is silver, and Fang, which is black.
332 ROSEMARY
No, he is
called Felix and lives in Manchester.
333 EPIPHANY
[I agree with Rosemary.]
[What she's watching is much more interesting.]
334 ROSEMARY
And if he
were a she, she would be called Felicity and live in Womanchester.
335 LENA
LENA
APPROVES!
336 ROSEMARY
Therefore
they are called Felix and Felicity, not Claw and Fang.
337 DREPANON,
offstage
THE GRAND
MOON MOON TRADITION HAS BEEN FOILED YET AGAIN BY THAT RUDE BOT!
338 ROSEMARY
No, sir. YOU
are a rude bot!
339 REIYA
Seriously,
don't insult Rosemary like that. I will fight yo—ARGH!
340 SIGYN,
armored up, on top of Reiya, with her crossbow aimed at Reiya's throat
I'd like to
see you try.
341 REIYA
Is this
stock footage or a deja vu?
342 TOKIOMI
Yes. Sigyn,
stop tackling Commentary. It's not nice. Besides, I'm sure the Demon Lord
Descendant of Moon Moon can handle himself.
343 SIGYN
Yes but the
point is that *I* would like to be the one handling him! I— I mean... um...
344 REIYA
We KNOW what
you mean.
345 EPIPHANY
[Are you immortal, too? Because I don't know
anyone who would sass like that with a deadly weapon pointed at them who's
not.]
346 REIYA
There's a
deadly weapon pointed at me? I thought she was just trying to make out with me.
347 SIGYN
Why would you think
that?
348 DREPANON
Because
violence is foreplay for you.
349 SIGYN,
standing, regular
Fair enough.
350 REIYA
*cackles*
351 AKUMA
They are
almost done, but still need a few more things done before I give them to you.
352 ILLYBRIUS
I’m amazed. Thank you.
353 AKUMA
Well, I … lost the originals and have been
wanting to make them again ever since. I just have this feeling that you will
need them, so I am remaking them.
354 EPIPHANY
[Why didn't you just remake them for
yourself earli]
[Never mind. I forgot about the
"no agency" thing for a second.]
355 ILLYBRIUS
It is a nice
gesture, undoubtedly. I am a weaponsmith as well. You might have seen some of
my creations stuck inside the outer walls of the Tower, which I used to use as
target practice.
356 TOKIOMI
Now why would
you use a tower in your home as target practice when you've got a filler
villain uncle who will work just fi—
357 SUDDENLY, SIGYN is straddling Tokiomi's lap with
the arrow pointed at his face.
358 TOKIOMI
a) ARGH! DAMN IT!
b) ... I'm not sure which is more
disturbing, the fact that you're pointing a weapon at my face or the fact that
you're too old to be sitting in my lap AND YET.
359 REIYA
Hey, I'd
ship it.
360 MARIE
Ew.
361 AKUMA
I did. It
felt really good to be back in the forge. The fire I gained from you really
makes things easier.
362 EVRYN
Would it
make drying your forge off easier, by chance?
363 AKUMA
I also made
two angel figures from sand and the ashes of… of the girls.
364 REIYA
You know how
to do glass-blowing, too? Odd. I thought you only knew how to blow hot air.
365 EVRYN
I'd say she also knows how to blow Illybrius, since at least then her
mouth would be good for something, but then, I wouldn't know.
366 EPIPHANY
[No. What ashes? What you had were two specks.
Zygotes are tiny.]
367 EVRYN
Well, unless
Enzeru eggs are larger than a human woman's eggs for the sake of wangst, which
wouldn't surprise me. And for an extra special angst bonus, let's say maybe
they increase to three times their original size when fertilized?
368 EPIPHANY
[The leaps of biology required for that pain me.]
[It's not completely impossible, which pains me
more.]
369 EVRYN
Well, since
we're already apologizing to Ms. McGuire next episode thanks to Drepanon, I can
say that Akuma comes from a world that is undoubtedly High Nonsense.
370 EPIPHANY,
with a Single Emo Tear.
[So much nonsense]
[;A;]
371 ILLYBRIUS
I am glad
the fire has helped.
372 AKUMA
I’m sorry, Lee.
373 EPIPHANY
[What's she apologising for this
time?]
374 SERLEINA
a) TEXT
MESSAGE!
b)
"Her existence, if she
knows what's good for her." From someone called "Melfina". I
have no idea who that is, or how they got their name programmed into my phone.
375 EVRYN
I do. And
I’m not going to explain because she showed up before and if you weren’t paying
attention, that’s not my problem. Well, technically it is, but I’m lazy and I
get paid in thoughts and prayers, so there’s really no incentive for me to do
any extra work. But that being said, if anyone was going to apologise for
Akuma's existence, shouldn't that be her dad? Torin? Or at the meta-level,
Corri?
376 CORRI
I WILL NEVER
APOLOGIZE! AKUMA IS GREAT!
377 MARIE
Are we going
to be Making Akuma Great Again?
378 SIGYN casually pushes Marie's house, which falls
sideways into the Pit of Death.
379 MARIE
Oof. I have
fallen into the Pit of Death. It's awfully nice in here.
380 SIGYN
Damn it.
381 TOKIOMI,
now regular
At least you
got her off my lap. I have the most confusing... Never mind.
382 AKUMA
He’ll be home soon. He said he would be
back for you. I was thinking that maybe when I am better, about living in
Celestia for a while.
383 ILLYBRIUS
As you know,
the Temple On High is your property now. It’s the safest of all the palaces. It’s the only one I, not Larlia, built.
Pewter, diamonds, and pearls.
384 EPIPHANY
[Exposition!]
385 AKUMA
I know. I
saw it. Beautiful.
386 ILLYBRIUS
You’re also welcome to stay with my
mother.
387 CINNAMON
Yeah, but
who— aside from Marie, who's got awesome in-laws— would want to stay with their
mother-in-law?
388 SIGYN
Isn't
Neferbelii the Epic Weed Goddess?
389 CINNAMON
NO, she's
the Meliara of Wisdom and Food— oh. Okay, I see your point.
390 ILLYBRIUS
Her palace
is mostly topaz, with some similarly-colored gems and glass. Needless to say,
though I’ll say it
anyway, my own palace is always open for you.
391 EPIPHANY
[ I for some reason have the feeling
that Akuma cares even less than I do.]
392 EVRYN
Well, if he doesn't talk about himself sometime, he'll be completely
overpowered by The Akuma Show.
393 CORRI
And I would
like it much better if you guys had taken my suggestion and named it that!
394 OVD
No way! "Deceiver
of Fools" is a MUCH better name!
395 AKUMA
Your… mother?
396 SERLEINA
That's not how you say that.
397 AKUMA
No, before
you stepped all over my cue, Illybrius mentioned his mother. Xizven. I skipped
that step.
398 ILLYBRIUS
Neferbelii,
Meliara of Wisdom and Food.
399 FLUOU
THE TRANSLATION GUY
[Translation: Neferbelii, epic weed goddess.]
400 AKUMA
Yes. We just
went over that. I seem to have forgotten my manners and bonded with you without
meeting her.
401 SIGYN
Who the FUCK
meets someone's parents before banging their boyfriend or girlfriend?!
402 TOKIOMI
Um. Didn't you
at LEAST talk on the phone with your, uh, lover's father?
403 SIGYN
Yes but that
was AFTER I'd already fucked his son's brains out multiple times!
404 DREPANON,
offstage
Thank you
for hiring me, OVD, and putting me in a situation where I would have to
frequently be in the same room as HER. No. Really. I'm sure not planning to
stuff your mailbox full of dead squirrels.
405 REIYA
Well, now
that you've said that, he'll know who to point the police at when that happens.
406 DREPANON,
offstage
Gee. The
human police, against a Demon King. I am so intimidated. Can you not hear the
trepidation in my voice.
407 AKUMA
I kinda
dishonored myself.
408 EPIPHANY
[What kind of sentence is "I
kinda dishonoured myself"?]
409 EVRYN
A shitty one.
410 ILLYBRIUS
Please do
not worry.
411 EVRYN
But I am,
Illybrius! I AM worrying for future generations, if idiots like that are
actively trying to breed!
412 EPIPHANY
[Don't worry. She'll probably die next time.]
413 OVD
Yes, but then her
contract says we have to rez her.
414 EPIPHANY,
aggravated sigh
[LET ME HAVE THIS FOR JUST A MOMENT]
[Drepanon, can I join y]
[Wait]
415 DREPANON,
offstage
Go on, I can
read the reflection from the window opposite you.
416 EPIPHANY
[Drepanon, can I join you in stuffing OVD's
mailbox full of dead things?]
417 DREPANON,
offstage
That
depends. How fast can that chair of yours scurry?
418 EPIPHANY
[2.4 meters per second.]
419 DREPANON,
offstage
Very well.
It's a date.
420 SERLEINA
You DATE little GIRLS?!
421 DREPANON,
offstage
NO! It's a
figure of speech!
422 EPIPHANY,
>_<
[The last time I went out on that kind of date,
the guy ended up with a scalpel in his chest.]
[I was acquitted.]
423 *CH-CHK!*
424 DREPANON
Well then
it's a good thing it's not that kind of date, isn't it.
425 *SAFETY
GOING BACK ON noises*
426 ILLYBRIUS
Mother pays
little attention to me. If you would like to meet her, I will introduce you
when you are fully recovered.
427 DRAKE
Give her a
minute. She’s getting sick
again.
428 EPIPHANY
[Went too long without her pity
shot?]
429 DRAKE
We’ll be right back. Promise.
430 EPIPHANY
[Don't rush.]
431 ILLYBRIUS
Well,
whoever hears me first: I need Corri’s address. Cinnamon forgot to write it down.
432a. AKUMA hands Illybrius a piece of paper
432b. AKUMA
Here. I
think this is it. Sorry about that. Thought I was better.
433 ILLYBRIUS
Thank you.
434 AKUMA
It’s nothing.
435 ILLYBRIUS
Now I have
it written down.
436 EVRYN
You don’t say?
437 AKUMA
Okay. Ummm… Should you want to complete the bond
anytime soon, I can be ready. Just so you know.
438 EPIPHANY
[Did she just proposition him?]
439 EVRYN
Yes. I'm glad she didn't ask him for money, because she's not cool
enough to be a prostitute.
440 EPIPHANY
[Wait, why would anyone PAY to have
sex with Akuma? Isn't having sex with her bad enough?]
441 EVRYN
According to her backstory, she used to be a sex slave or some shit like
that.
442.
EPIPHANY
rolls eyes
[What was that trope again?
"Rape is the New Dead Parents"?]
443.
EVRYN
Why have dead parents when you can have abusive ones that turn you over
to a demon lord?
444.
EPIPHANY
[I'd rather have bad living
parents than good dead ones.]
[No offense meant to my aunt and
uncle, if you're watching this.]
[Please don't be watching this.]
445.
EVRYN
My sister was always my parents' favourite. I think I prefer it that way,
too.
446.
SIGYN
Wait, so, Akuma's parents, Torin and what's-her-name, turned Akuma over
to a demon lord, who sold her as a sex slave? Did I hear that correctly?
447.
EPIPHANY
[What do you expect?]
448.
SIGYN
For Akuma to have a different backstory from Caleb, maybe?
449.
EPIPHANY
[You know we can't have nice
things.]
450.
SIGYN
You have Drepanon.
451.
EVRYN
...who is a demon lord... who referred to Akuma as his
"recruit"...
452.
SIGYN
... Oh.
453.
EPIPHANY
[Like I said.]
454.
SIGYN
armors up
Akumano Torina Enzeru Falcon.
455.
AKUMA
Muhhh?
456.
SIGYN
YOU RUINED! MY LIFE!
457.
SIGYN fires about ten arrows in a row.
458.
SUDDENLY, A FICUS!
459.
AKUMA
WAH THERE'S A NAKED GNOME IN FRONT OF ME!
460.
OVD
My apologies, Audience,
but I would rather not return to the Thinking Room for letting Akuma die.
461.
EPIPHANY
[NO NICE THINGS, I TELL YOU!]
462.
SIGYN
Isn't the Thinking Room somewhat against the Geneva Conventions? And
wasn't it deactivated by the flood?
463.
OVD
...It's run by a
family, let's say, "sponsored" by Evryn's grandfather. They're not
exactly the type to conform to human rules like that, or, you know, physics, as
I found out after last time.
464.
EVRYN
I didn't know the director had ties to the Demon Mafia.
465.
ILLYBRIUS
I have no idea how to go about it. I didn’t even know I was bonding with Orion
until after—
466.
AKUMA
All that is needed is a partial bond and the two need to climax together.
467.
ILLYBRIUS
Ahh, very well.
468.
EPIPHANY
[Do people in this story have
little dials on their genitals so they can easily time that with precision
consistently?]
[I was under the impression that
simultaneous orgasms were difficult.]
469.
EVRYN
Well, I conjecture that Corri and her husband never have them, since
they're an actual requirement for bond completion here.
470.
SIGYN
They're not that difficult.
471.
SERLEINA
THEY WERE WITH YOUR MOM!
472.
SIGYN
Really? How bad in bed ARE you?
473.
TOKIOMI
She's not— *ahem* She's not serious.
474.
SERLEINA
No, I'm Ser-lei-na. You
already made that mistake.
475.
TOKIOMI
It runs in the family.
476.
SERLEINA
FORGETTING WHO YOU'RE IN BED WITH RUNS
IN TH— wait, no, I see your point.
477.
TOKIOMI
If I had a dime for every time I heard some random date storm out
because their name isn't Drepanon, I could buy a house in the Evergreen
district.
478.
AKUMA
It’s fine. Really.
479.
TOKIOMI
Maybe it would be fine for YOU.
480.
AKUMA
Yes, because I would be doing the exact same thing.
481.
EVRYN
And you're saying this in front of someone you want to sleep with you?
482.
AKUMA
Shhh, he doesn't know they're rela— um. I mean. Hey, remember that time
Orion stole your Angel Cookie?
483.
EVRYN
I AM DISTRACTED BY RAGE!
484.
AKUMA
ALL ACCORDING TO KEIKAKU! (Kee-Kay-Koh.)
485.
SIGYN
That was painful. You should be shot. OVD, move!
486.
SERLEINA
MOVE, BITCH, GET OUT THE WAY! GET OUT
THE WAY, BITCH, GET OUT THE WAY!
487.
OVD
no.
488.
ILLYBRIUS
Thank you. I merely need to remember all of this.
489.
OVD
You mean, except for
the parts you're not supposed to know yet. AKUMA.
490.
AKUMA
Go for it. I don’t mind. I also believe that Maheone was the one who came to this realm
with the tigers. I will tell you why.
491.
ILLYBRIUS
Go ahead.
492.
EPIPHANY
[You do realise it's gonna be
bullshit she made up, right?]
493.
EVRYN pulls
out a thermos of hot cocoa for Epiphany to sniff and a bag of popcorn for
herself.
494.
EPIPHANY
smiles.
495.
AKUMA
Well, I noticed an ink painting in the Exonerated Mahogany and it shows a
man coming through a portal—
496.
EVRYN
Was it Cave Johnson?
497.
a) AKUMA scowls at
Evryn
497b) AKUMA
—with the tigers.
498.
ROSEMARY
What is the truth of nothing?
499.
EPIPHANY
[Mu.]
500.
AKUMA
I'M NOT A COW! HOW DARE YOU!
501.
EVRYN
No, cows are useful. You, ma'am, are a ne’er-do-well. And not the fun
kind.
502.
EPIPHANY
[I'm not surprised she has no
understanding of Zen.]
503.
REIYA
What about the golden cows we were comparing to before that just cling on
you?
504.
DREPANON,
offstage
That would be my son's dear girlfriend.
505.
SIGYN
HEY!
506.
REIYA
Hay is for horses, better for cows!
507.
SIGYN
DUDE.
508.
REIYA
Caaaaaaave cooooowwwwwws. Stalking you. In the dark.
509.
SIGYN
Rude!
510.
REIYA
You hear their mooing. There is no escape.
511.
SIGYN,
Single Emo Tear
I'm in tears, here!
512.
REIYA,
quietly
Mooooo.
513.
AKUMA
Then he shows them that he can change. And from what I have read that you
and Cin have sent me, it matches Maheone’s description almost perfectly.
514.
ROSEMARY
You also don’t know how to spell.
515.
EVRYN
Speaking of things that run in the family...
516.
ILLYBRIUS
Almost? What does he look like in the painting?
517.
AKUMA
The thing I need to know is, what color was his animal form?
518.
ILLYBRIUS
Pale brunneous. A—a light brown, not light enough to be confused with
sandy.
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