1. 11/07/08 - Akuma and Illybrius Complete Their Bond. 10:00 PM.
2. AKUMA
nuzzles into Illybrius's chest.
3.
AKUMA,
behind the ficus
Now you’re really warm, Irubura.
4.
EVRYN
Yeah, I bet if you rub Ra, he gets
warm.
5.
EPIPHANY
[Yes,
that is how friction works.]
6. ILLYBRIUS
purrs and holds Akuma.
7.
AKUMA
I almost forgot what it was like to
be loved.
8.
EVRYN
And by “loved”, you clearly mean
“shagged”. Although, given your backstory—
9.
OVD
EVRYN!
10.MARIE THE PLUSHIE LADY
As much as I, a furry, find someone
purring kinda hot, shouldn’t that be giving Akuma unpleasant memories about the
FRICKIN TIGER?
11.AKUMA
I’m glad I have you, Irubura. For the first time in a
long time, I’m happy. I didn’t think it was possible.
12.EPIPHANY
[Your
mouth is moving, but all I hear is BAWWWWWWWWWWWW]
13.EVRYN
Thank the gods. I thought there was
something wrong with my ears.
14.SIGYN
I hear her continually talking about
molesting an Egyptian god, but maybe that's just me.
15.TOKIOMI
She's expressing gratitude, you jerks.
16.EPIPHANY, grinning
[Guilty
as charged.]
17.ILLYBRIUS
I’m very glad that we made up. I cannot bear to see the
effects unhappiness has on you.
18.EPIPHANY
{the bear who cannot}
19.AKUMA
Don’t worry. As long as we are bond
together, it won’t happen again.
20.
FLUOU Grammar Hammers Akuma
21.OVD
I'd like to put an
additional $2 on "under two episodes".
22.MARIE
“It won’t happen again”? Being happy?
23.EVRYN
It’s Akuma, so….
24.AKUMA
You have nothing to fear, Irubura.
25.MARIE
Why is this herring so dead?
26.META
You didn't think I'd want to eat a
live herring, did you?
27.OVD
Take your kippered
herring and get the fuck off my set, Torin!
28.META
Wait, what? I'm not Torin.
29.MARIE
Whatever.
30.MARIE, glowy eyes
BEGONE!
31.
META blinks out and disappears
32.ILLYBRIUS
I’ll try not to be so careless in the future!
33.AKUMA
I didn’t hurt your wings, did I?
34.ILLYBRIUS
My wings are fine. Luckily, they’re located on either side of my spine—
35.EPIPHANY
[Where
else would they be?!]
36.EVRYN
Hermes has wings on his ankles.
37.REIYA
And his hat!
38.ILLYBRIUS
—so they’re not too easy to get at, but I’d rather not take chances.
39.AKUMA
Gomen Nazi—
40.EVRYN
What the hell did she just say? Go
mean Nazi? Gumming Nazi?
41.AKUMA
GOMEN-NASI!
42.EPIPHANY
a) [You
fucking idiot.]
b) [It's
"gomen naSAi"]
c) [And
it means "I'm sorry"]
d) [And
you SHOULD BE.]
43.AKUMA
I was just so lost in the pleasure.
44.EVRYN
Nazis give you pleasure?
45.EPIPHANY
[Let's
go with that.]
46.EVRYN
It makes as much sense as anything
else on this show.
47.
A frying pan flies across the set, narrowly
missing AKUMA
48.EPIPHANY
[Alternately,
she was apologising to Désmoda, who does not accept said apology.]
49.DÉSMODA
Hitler is turning in his grave at the
very idea of having fans like Aksuema.
50.META, offstage
I resent Hitler. He was better with
women than I'll ever be.
51.EVRYN
He wasn’t Begoned properly!
52.META, offstage
Not even the Power of Begone can keep
me away from craft services!
53.MARIE
Did you know that my Sim House is
powered by a generator hooked up to Hitler's skeleton spinning in its grave?
But also, y'all are horrible.
54.META
At least I'm not CORRible.
55.SERLEINA
SPOILER
ALERT, JACKASS!
56.AHRRY
Leave me out of this!
57.SERLEINA
Oh, like I didn't catch you snorting crack off Mein Kampf last
weekend.
58.AHRRY
Well, what ELSE is that book good
for?
59.SERLEINA
My friend Dreg has been secretly ripping pages out to roll
joints in.
60.MARIE
Why does he need to do it secretly? No-one's
going to notice.
61.SERLEINA
I wish he HADN'T kept it a secret, because I was about to process that pile of
trash into a roll of toilet paper and donate it to the JCC.
62.REIYA
I feel like, even in toilet paper
format, they would find that insensitive.
63.SERLEINA
ARE
YOU SAYING I SHOULD BE MORE SENSITIVE? LIKE A DICKHEAD? ARE YOU SAYING I SHOULD
BE MORE LIKE A DICKHEAD, REIYA? BECAUSE I CAN! I CAN DO THAT! I WILL DO
THAT, JUST FOR YOU!
64.AKUMA
I won’t let it happen again, Irubura.
Promise.
65.EVRYN
What, the toilet paper thing? Wow,
Akuma, I never knew you cared.
66.ILLYBRIUS
If it does, I’ll just pin your arms again and no
harm done.
67.AKUMA, blushing
I... liked being like that.
68.EVRYN
Of course you did. That way, you didn’t feel you had to take responsibility
for the sex act.
69.REIYA
Evryn, that’s YOU. That’s YOUR kink!
Why are you projecting it onto her?
70.EPIPHANY
[Oh
sweet Thoth, I just realised that Aksuema is supposed to be the female lead of
a cheap bodice-ripper.]
71.ILLYBRIUS
I’m very glad.
72.EVRYN
You're depraved.
73.SIGYN
Epi, did you mean a cheap
Victorian bodice-ripper?
74.TOKIOMI
Sigyn. She's 6. You probably know
more about that than she would.
75.SIGYN
I knew about Victorian bodice-rippers
when I was 6, and she's been 6 for over twenty years!
76.EPIPHANY
[Ask
Averna. She's the English lit nerd.]
77.SERLEINA
SHE'S
LIT, YO!
78.SIGYN, blushing
I... I will.
79.SERLEINA
YOU
KNOW SHE'S STILL STRAIGHT, RIGHT?
80.DREPANON
Tits on toast, really? Averna too?
81.SERLEINA
JEALOUS?
82.SEI-SEI
DIIIIIID somebody say TOHHHHST?
83.MARIE
Sorry, Sei-Sei, it was an epithet.
84.ORION
Hey, I don't like her either, but you
don't need to blame her for everything.
85.EPIPHANY
[She
said "epithet", not "Epiphany".]
86.DREPANON
Does Orion have dyslexia?
87.AKUMA
Of what, the EARS?!
88.EVRYN
Auditory dyslexia is a real thing,
you know.
89.REIYA
I think it’s called “auditory
processing disorder”. You’re welcome for the subtitles, by the way.
90.EVRYN
He can’t read!
91.REIYA
Sucks to suck, Onion!
92.ORION
I don't think real-life dyslexics
would want to be associated with me anyway.
93.DREPANON
Have I ever told you how much I value
your low self-esteem as a form of common sense?
94.AKUMA
Yes.
95.ORION
He was talking to me.
96.SIGYN
I find it refreshing when he's
insulting the two of you.
97.AKUMA
Maybe... we could do that next time?
98.EVRYN
Have Drepanon stand in the room and
insult you guys while you’re shagging?
99.ILLYBRIUS
Certainly!
100.
EVRYN
OKAY. You’re both insane. Obviously.
101.
LENA
The word “insane” is derogatory—
102.
EVRYN
SHOVE IT UP YOUR BUNGHOLE!
103.
SERLEINA
KINKSHAME
LOL! FIFTY SHADES OF INTOLERANT!
104.
AKUMA
And if you... ever want... you
know... Orion to… he’s… I’d do it for you, Irubura.
105.
ILLYBRIUS
I’m sorry. I don’t understand what you’re saying.
106.
REIYA
I’m NOT sorry. I don’t WANT to
understand what you’re saying.
107.
MARIE
I think I understand what she’s
saying, and I wish I didn’t.
108.
AKUMA
Ummm…if you want him to join, I would do
it for you, Irubura.
109.
EVRYN
You’re suggesting a threesome with your
man and your brother-cousin. That’s kind of sick.
110.
SIGYN
How now?
111.
EVRYN
If you don't understand, I'm not
going to explain it.
112.
TOKIOMI
You really shouldn't waste your
breath. I've been trying to get that concept through her head since she was
twelve.
113.
MARIE,
with violin music (because Falcon is a jerk)
Actually, I think this is a sign of
Akuma’s desperation, and that’s really sad.
114.
ILLYBRIUS
That’s alright.
115.
EVRYN
AND TOKIOMI
No it’s not!
116.
DREPANON
That explains a lot.
117.
ILLYBRIUS
I was part of an orgy once and I didn’t exactly enjoy it.
118.
DREPANON
Only once, in over 6,000 years? Weak.
119.
MARIE
Why would he do it again if he didn’t
like it?
120.
REIYA
Why WOULDN’T he do it again if he
didn’t like it?
121.
EVRYN
Yeah, maybe he has to do it again to
make SURE he doesn’t like it!
122.
MARIE’S
HOUSE
Ummm, I’m going to take my asexual
ass over here.
123.
SIGYN
Please get tested, Drepanon.
124.
DREPANON
... I'm not going to do that for you.
125.
MARIE
Then do it for your Xem-self.
126.
DREPANON
... Xem-self. I like that. I'm going
to use that from now on. Everybody, may I have your attention? From now on, the
Demon Lord Drepanon is a "Xem-self".
127.
SIGYN
You realise you just publicly
announced that you've been taken over by Xehanort from the Kingdom Hearts video
game franchise, right?
128.
DREPANON
You're fucking with me.
129.
SIGYN,
smirking
If only.
130.
DREPANON
... I have to go clean my soapbox.
131.
[exit DREPANON]
132.
MARIE
He got Norted~!
133.
SIGYN
I mean, it's more believable than
"run my pie". His excuses for avoiding me are getting better!
134.
TOKIOMI
If you’ll excuse me, I’ve got to give
my goldfish swimming lessons.
135.
OVD
Sit your ass down.
You’re being paid to watch this.
136.
TOKIOMI
Okay, I believe you!
137.
DESMODA
Excellent. Now we move on to the next
step.
138.
AKUMA
I… did you heal the bite wound you made?
139.
EPIPHANY
[Translation:
Why did you stop talking about ME? Fix that.]
140.
REIYA
Akuma, wouldn’t you notice?
141.
DESMODA
No. Enjoy your rabies!
142.
ILLYBRIUS
Yes. It’s a habit. If you’d prefer I left the wounds be, I
will.
143.
AKUMA
Oh. Just wondering.
144.
MARIE
This is why you should acknowledge
that things are fictional and ask these questions OOC.
145.
ILLYBRIUS
Would you be offended if I asked to
speak with him now?
146.
FLUOU
[Translation:
You’re boring.]
147.
AKUMA
Orion isn’t here. He’s out getting a few things. Left
before we started.
148.
EVRYN
N— what? He's been here.
149.
ORION,
suddenly offstage!
I'm helping Drepanon clean his soapbox!
I'm also going to completely disregard that his soapbox is magically
self-cleaning! Just add water! OH GOD IT BURNS! DREPANON WHY?
150.
DREPANON
WHO THE FUCK KEEPS BLESSING THE WATER
COOLER?!
151.
TOKIOMI
Thank you, Father Gallagher.
152.
SIGYN
Wait, isn't that—
153.
TOKIOMI
He owes me some favors. No big deal.
154.
SIGYN
By that logic, I've owed you some
favors since I first met you.
155.
TOKIOMI
True.
156.
ILLYBRIUS
I might make you a necklace, if I can
find topazes at a local crafts store.
157.
EVRYN
Are you sure she wouldn’t appreciate
a pearl necklace more?
158.
MARIE
You’re a demigod and you shop for
gems at the craft store?
159.
ILLYBRIUS
I’m addicted to going to Michaels.
160.
AKUMA
Thank you. That would be wonderful.
Ow. Bit sore, but it’s worth it.
161.
EPIPHANY
[He
DID shatter your glass vagina.]
162.
EVRYN
She loves him for it.
163.
AKUMA
I love you, Irubura.
164.
EVRYN
a)
*takes a shot*
b) See?
165.
ILLYBRIUS
I love you too, ma pomme.
166.
EVRYN takes a shot
167.
AKUMA
I feel sleepy now. But it was so
nice.
168.
ILLYBRIUS
So do I, but I have fifteen minutes
before I have to leave.
169.
AKUMA
Thank you. I owe you so much.
170.
USAGI
Can I come out yet?
171.
EVRYN
I thought you had been out for a
month!
172.
AKUMA
Yes, Usagi. It’s safe.
173.
EPIPHANY
[If
you consider "the floor is covered in glass shards" to be
"safe"]
174.
ILLYBRIUS
Mm, think nothing of it.
175.
EVRYN
Once again, you're depraved.
176.
ILLYBRIUS
I’m happy when you’re happy.
177.
EPIPHANY
[Are
you hitting on Evryn now?]
178.
EVRYN
Do not want!
179.
AKUMA
You can have Irubura back, Usagi.
Sorry for keeping him so long.
180.
USAGI
That's ok, I was actually hoping we
could all chat.
181.
AKUMA
Irubura... You left a few bruises.
182.
ILLYBRIUS
Sorry.
183.
AKUMA
It's fine. I just happened to realize
you left them around my wrists.
184.
MARIE
I feel like this is the kind of thing
they should have negotiated beforehand.
185.
DESMODA
Where’s the fun in that?
186.
AKUMA
Hey Usagi... I have a couple pics you
might like. Like barbarians?
187.
EPIPHANY
[I
prefer to play spellcasters.]
188.
SERLEINA
NOT
ME! I’M A BARD!
189.
USAGI
I like Illybrius. Does that count?
190.
ILLYBRIUS
C'mere, you—
191.
AKUMA
Get him, Irubura!
192.
USAGI
OW! NO NOOGIES!
193.
AKUMA
lol
194.
USAGI
No jk jk jk lo lo lol
195.
AKUMA
You deserved it.
196.
USAGI,
=P
197.
USAGI
DON'T SAY IT!
198.
AKUMA
Careful. Do not stick your tongue out
unless you are going to use it.
199.
USAGI
I SAID, DON'T SAY IT!
200.
ILLYBRIUS
ROFLOL!
201.
AKUMA,
:P
202.
ILLYBRIUS,
on the floor
Same goes for you, pomme.
203.
AKUMA
I will use it, just tell me when and
where, Irubura.
204.
USAGI
♫ The more I see, the less I know,
the more I'd like to let it go ♫
205.
ILLYBRIUS
You mean, the more you see, the less
you want to know.
206.
AKUMA
I have to agree.
207.
ILLYBRIUS
Hmm. I'm tempted to be an evil
bastard and make you two French kiss each other.
208.
AKUMA
I'm all for it! Come here, Usagi.
209.
USAGI
No fucking way.
210.
CIN
Do it! Do it! Do it!
211.
AKUMA
I wouldn't unless I was ordered,
relax.
212.
EVRYN
No! What the fuck? Don’t do it
anyway!
213.
MARIE
I’m sorry, but all I’m picturing in
my head right now is Illybrius holding a pair of Barbies and going, “Now kiss.”
214.
ILLYBRIUS
Hmm... As interesting a sight as it
would be, I won't make you. Instead...
215.
ILLYBRIUS kisses both Akuma and Usagi.
216.
EPIPHANY
[Is
this an indirect kiss thing?]
217.
EVRYN
Yes, why?
218.
EPIPHANY
[Eww.]
219.
EVRYN
Agreed.
220.
AKUMA kisses back.
221.
AKUMA
Thank you, Irubura.
222.
USAGI,
;)
I'ma thank him later.
223.
ILLYBRIUS
Speaking of which, bedtime. Sweet
dreams, ma pomme.
224.
AKUMA
Go for it. Wear him out, Usagi.
225.
ILLYBRIUS
Not possible.
226.
CIN
Night, peoples.
227.
AKUMA
Good night, Irubura, Cin, Usagi.
228.
USAGI,
>_<
See you later— hopefully when you're
dressed.
229.
AKUMA
BRAT!
230.
EVRYN
She’s been standing behind a ficus,
Usagi! How would you know the difference?
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