1. TITLE
Orion, the Magnificent
Flip-Flopper, part 1
2.
Thu, Nov 6,
2008; 6.27 PM
SETTING: Akuma’s room
3.
ILLYBRIUS,
wearing a coral necklace
Bonjour
4.
AKUMA is
knitting
5.
AKUMA
Give me one
moment.
6.
AKUMA finishes
row
7.
AKUMA
Okay, I’m
done. Would you like me to fetch Orion for you?
8.
ILLYBRIUS
Absolutely.
9.
AKUMA
Fine. Give me
a moment.
10.
EVRYN
You just had a
moment. Sit the fuck down.
11.
AKUMA
He's in the
shower. He says he’ll be right out; he just needs to dress.
12.
EVRYN
I don't really
see the point of that, actually.
13.
EPIPHANY
[You didn't even go anywhere. Couldn't you have
just mindhived that WHILE you were knitting, or are you incapable of
multitasking?]
14.
AKUMA
I can answer
the telephone while giving a bl—
15.
OVD
Moving on, swiftly!
16.
ILLYBRIUS
Very well. Thank
you.
17.
OVD
You're welcome.
18.
AKUMA
He says for me
to keep you busy till he’s done. Illybrius? Airy gay toe.
19.
EPIPHANY
[Language-butchering weeaboo.]
[{picture of
fist shaking}]
20.
ILLYBRIUS
Hmm?
21.
AKUMA
Thank you.
22.
ILLYBRIUS
I understand
the term. What I meant to ask was, why?
23.
AKUMA
I was thanking
you for everything you have done for me.
24.
ILLYBRIUS
I honestly do
not deserve your thanks.
25.
EPIPHANY
[Yeah, there's not very many people I'd wish that
on.]
26.
SIGYN
I know someone
who—
27.
EVRYN
Yeah, yeah.
28.
AKUMA
Your halberd
and Claw and Fang are in your closet.
29.
EVRYN
Much like
Illybrius!
30.
AKUMA
You’re welcome. He is your husband.
31.
EVRYN
The halberd?
Or Claw? Or Fang?
32.
AKUMA
Enjoy
yourself. Goodbye, Illybrius.
33.
EPIPHANY
[Translation: BAWWWWWWWWWWW I HATE YOU FOR NOT
LOVING ME ENOUGH BAWWWWWWWWWW]
34.
exit AKUMA,
enter ORION
35.
EVRYN
Enough for
what?
36.
EPIPHANY
[Enough
to exceed his love for everything else put together, I guess?]
[Love
is one of those things that's hard to empirically quantify.]
37. >CUE MUSIC: What Is Love?
(Baby don't hurt me)
38.
ORION
I'm here.
39.
EVRYN
No! You are
not love!
40.
ORION
How are you?
41.
ILLYBRIUS
Quite possibly
about to throw up. Too much chocolate, hot peppers, and alcohol.
42.
EPIPHANY
[Were you on a dare or something?]
43.
EVRYN
I tried to
cook while sober.
44.
SIGYN
Never do that.
Never, Evryn. Nevryn.
45.
EVRYN
Thanks. I’ll,
er, try to remember. In fact, I won’t be able not to. No matter how much I'd
like to.
46.
EPIPHANY
[Next time, you should give him shouchuu
with wasabi mixed in.]
[And I don't mean just a little to give it a
kick.]
47.
EVRYN
Ooh,
brilliant!
48.
ORION
Oh. And your
plans for tonight?
49.
ILLYBRIUS
I have none.
Well, I, er—
50.
ORION
That’s not
what you led me to believe.
51.
EPIPHANY
[When did this turn into an interrogation?]
52.
EVRYN
Dude, you
jumping to conclusions is something you ought to look into on your own
53.
CIN
He's gonna go
back to Celestia, where he’ll have a relatively clear head.
54.
SIGYN
And not eat
Evryn’s cooking, maybe.
55.
ORION
Very well. I
can wait. After all, my charge just went storming out with her brother to go
buy a new laptop since she gave Corri back hers today.
56.
EPIPHANY
[This is syntactically structured like a guilt
trip, but the actual content is confusing me.]
57.
EVRYN
Don't look at
me. I wasn't tripping out when they wrote their lines.
58.
>CUE
MUSIC: Misery Loves Company by Emilie Autumn
(Lyrics) "You're so easy to read, but the book is boring
me."
59.
CIN
She doesn’t seem exactly happy lately.
60.
EVRYN
When is Akuma
ever HAPPY, Cinnamon?
61.
EPIPHANY
[Although, admittedly, at this point, she has
plenty of reasons not to be happy.]
62.
EVRYN
As do we all.
You don't see me walking around demanding pity from everyone, though. And you
also don't do that.
63.
USAGI
Right, hang on
a sec.
64.
ORION
Of course not.
She’s... changed. Are you there?
65.
EPIPHANY
[Did you leave the switch for your optical sensors
in the "off" position again?]
66.
ORION
I’m not a
robot!
67.
ROSEMARY
Liar.
68.
EPIPHANY
[Huh. Guess not, if you could read that.]
69.
ORION
Shut up!
70.
EPIPHANY
[ I didn't say anything.]
71.
ORION
You’re being
rude to me with your hands!
72.
EVRYN
Actually—nope.
Too easy. Much like your mum.
73.
ORION
How would YOU
know?
74.
SERLEINA
Because I TOLD HER!
75.
ORION
How would YOU
know?!
76.
SERLEINA
How WOULDN’T I know?
77.
ORION
Oh...
78.
SERLEINA
a)
TEXT
MESSAGE!
b) Oh shit. Okay, Serleina, be coo. It
says, "Thankfully I've learned how birth control works, so being easy
isn't a problem for me anymore. Unlike before. When I had Orion. Or as you like
to call him, Onion."
79.
ILLYBRIUS
I want to be
with you.
80.
SERLEINA
a) TEXT MESSAGE!
b) She says you're not her type. And
you're also not mine, just in case you were leaning towards directing that at
me.
81.
EPIPHANY
[ Isn't he your half-brother?]
82.
SERLEINA
Yeah, exactly. We
have that thing, you know, that thing where we can't be attracted to each other
because we knew each other in our formative years?
83.
EPIPHANY
[The Westermarck Effect!]
84.
SERLEINA
Yeah, that!
Thankfully, it works with Illybrius and me, unlike one of our cousins.
85.
ILLYBRIUS
I imagine this
is an uncomfortable situation.
86.
SERLEINA
The slightest
chance that you were hitting on me? Yeah, that's pretty damn uncomfortable.
87.
ILLYBRIUS
I am not
exactly good company, especially not enhypered on booze and sugar.
88.
EPIPHANY
[ I don’t think either of those things
cause hyperactivity.]
[ In the case of sugar, it's cultural expectation
confirmation bias at work. A study was done wherein two sets of children were
given artificially sweetened drinks. The parents who were told their children
were given the sugary drink perceived their children as more hyper.]
89.
ILLYBRIUS
Ok but
consider this: I’m a nonhuman being from another galaxy.
90.
ORION
I don’t mind.
Hold on. She’s asking for
money.
91.
EVRYN
Wait, I thought
the Conny arc was on hold. Are you sure you're not just having auditory
hallucinations?
92.
EPIPHANY
[*~Corri HiveMind~*]
93.
ORION
There. They
left again. Drake will watch her while they are out.
94.
EPIPHANY
[Why do they need constant
supervision?]
[I don't need constant supervision.]
95.
EVRYN
Well, you see,
unlike you, Akuma is totally useless.
96.
EPIPHANY
[Didn't she say during the Conny episodes that she
was a soldier? In a war? That she got PTSD from?]
97.
OVD
You weren't supposed to KNOW that yet.
Sadly, it’s not against Akuma’s contract to share her own backstory.
98.
EPIPHANY
[WHY DOES SHE NEED A MALE CHAPERONE TO GO
SHOPPING?!]
99.
EVRYN
She cannot do
anything on her own, and thus needs these big str— I mean, weak little wimps to
look after her.
100.
SIGYN
I was going to
say that some people require 24-hour supervision for safety purposes,
especially if they’re a flight risk.
101.
REIYA
I don't get
it. If she needs a bodyguard, why doesn't she just take Serleina?
102.
SERLEINA
Because then I’d have to deal with her.
103.
ILLYBRIUS
Last night, I
supposed you might hate me.
104.
ORION
No. I asked
for it. I deserved it.
105.
EVRYN
That has
horrible implications, but considering that it’s YOU, I won’t argue too much
about it.
106.
ORION
However...
have you ever watched someone die?
107.
SIGYN,
cheerfully
Yes, lots!
108.
ILLYBRIUS
Yes.
109.
ORION
You know how
their eyes seemed to go blank as they stop breathing?
110.
EVRYN
Consistent
tenses! How do they work?
111.
ILLYBRIUS
Yes.
112.
ORION
I never knew a
person—
113.
EVRYN
Biblically?
114.
ORION
--could
survive if their soul died.
115.
EPIPHANY
[See, now we're getting into the
question of how one defines "life".]
[And being able to properly explain all sides of
that debate is one of the few things philosophy majors are good for.]
116.
SIGYN
That’s why I
went to trade school, kids!
117.
TOKIOMI
Me, too.
Because before becoming an auto mechanic, I was a philosophy major.
118.
EVRYN
Really?
That's... surprising.
119.
TOKIOMI
How so?
120.
EVRYN
N-no reason, I
guess.
121.
ORION
But when you
see the light in their eyes fade… you know they should stop breathing too,
right?
122.
ILLYBRIUS
Not
necessarily.
123.
EPIPHANY
[See, that's what the MDs said about me.]
124.
EVRYN
And that's
what I keep saying about Onion.
125.
ORION
It must be
painful. Living even though your soul can't go on anymore.
126.
EVRYN
And that's why
there should be more Gravelings in the world.
127.
EPIPHANY
[On the one hand, my soul is no longer
in my body, if I even had one to begin with.]
[On the other hand, I'm not exactly
"living", either.]
128.
ILLYBRIUS
Ask Oleander.
Her soul tore itself up after I divorced her. Her brother had to remove it.
129.
EPIPHANY
raises her eyebrows
[Wow. I don't know very many guys who can perform
a successful animectomy.]
130.
EVRYN
More
importantly, is that the brother you were cheating on her with, Illybrius?
131.
ILLYBRIUS
I don't see
how that's relevant.
132.
ORION
What does
anime have to do with anything?
133.
EVRYN
...Animectomy
as in soul-removal, Epi?
134.
EPIPHANY
[Yes.]
[Removal of anime is called an intervention.]
135.
EVRYN
I thought that
was when a bunch of irritating people usher you into a room and tell you that
drinking is BAD.
136.
EPIPHANY
[Really? It was anime for my cousin.]
137.
SIGYN
It was sex
addiction for me. It ... didn't work.
138.
TOKIOMI
I'VE NOTICED.
Especially considering that I started having nightmares around the same time
YOU did.
139.
EVRYN
Anime
intervention, though? That sounds silly. I mean, Pet Shop of Horrors, Sailor
Moon, Yu Yu Hakusho, Death Note, Madoka, Boku no Pico... anime can be great!
140.
SIGYN
*squee!* Light
and Misa forever! Also, Boku no Pico is the literal best.
141.
TOKIOMI
Your mileage
may vary. Actually, it really should. Her watching that before bed is one of
the reasons I started having nightmares.
142.
EPIPHANY
[How can you leave out JoJo's Bizarre Adventure?]
143.
EVRYN
Never seen it.
144.
EPIPHANY
[We're fixing that!]
145.
EVRYN
Okay! Wait.
Does your cousin watch the show? This show?
146.
EPIPHANY
[. . . My family kinda doesn't know this is what
I'm doing.]
147.
EVRYN
Oh, that's a
relief. I don't have to go on a bullshit rant about how anime rots the brain.
148.
SIGYN
I'll do it for
you!
149.
EVRYN
Shut up,
elitist.
150.
EPIPHANY
[Go watch your shota bullshit.]
151.
SIGYN
I would just
like to point out for the record that I was much more intelligent before I
started watching my shota bullshit.
152.
TOKIOMI
Actually, you
were always a straight-A student. You just started... "expressing
yourself" a little bit differently.
153.
EPIPHANY
[You realise that I have three PhDs and also watch
anime, yes?]
154.
SIGYN
Yes, and I've
also found drafts of your signs in the rubbish bins. You're not exactly the
best at expressing YOURself, either. Half of them just end with
"Words". Not actual words. The word, "words". Or they
consist entirely of "[concept] goes here."
155.
EPIPHANY
[Do you get YOUR grades on YOUR first drafts?!]
156.
SIGYN
Yes, actually,
I do! I ALSO do my homework the same day it's assigned instead of
wasting time watching anime. As Tokiomi pointed out, I don't watch it until
just before bed.
157.
TOKIOMI
I didn't know
that was because you were concerned about your grades.
158.
SIGYN
Why would I be
concerned about my grades? I’m in the 98th percentile, with my first
drafts. It’s just easier to do it right when it’s assigned so I’m not wasting
time worrying about it later.
159.
EPIPHANY
[Are you sure it's not because you're ashamed to
watch shota bullshit in the light?]
160.
SIGYN
Do I have the
skin tone of someone who does anything in the light ever?
161.
TOKIOMI
Besides
stalking Meta?
162.
SIGYN
It's not
stalking if we're together!
163.
EPIPHANY
[ It can still be stalking.]
164.
SIGYN
That doesn't
make any sense. You've completely lost me.
165.
ORION
Everything
seems forced. Their laugh, their smile—
166.
EPIPHANY
[The sex that you have with them.]
167.
ORION
That, too—even
their anger. Is it always like this?
168.
EVRYN
No, you're
thinking of Kingdom Hearts Nobodies. They lack a heart, not a soul.
169.
SIGYN
Also, actors
who read their lines directly from cue cards. Like... well, Namine’s actress.
170.
ILLYBRIUS
Why did you do
what you did to Akuma?
171.
ORION
I didn't rape
her. I just ripped her clothes and spooked her really bad.
172.
EVRYN,
sarcastically
And that's SO
much better.
173.
ORION
I know, right?
174.
EPIPHANY
[This is a blatant retcon.]
175.
SIGYN
And my
interest in him is ret-gone.
176.
OVD
I don't think you can do that. I also
don't think that's what that trope means.
177.
SIGYN
What trope?
178.
ILLYBRIUS
Whatever for?
179.
ORION
I wanted you
to rape me.
180.
EPIPHANY
[Wouldn't it by definition not be rape if it's
what he wanted to have happen?]
181.
ORION
I was dying. I
feed only on rape.
182.
EVRYN
Someone get
this man some canola!
183.
EPIPHANY
[He feeds only on rape?]
[. . . No. I am not going to try to logic this one
out. That way lies madness.]
184.
EVRYN
Madness? This!
Is! Idiocy!
185.
LENA
ABLEIST!
186.
SIGYN
SHUT IT, I’M
TRYING TO WATCH THE SHOW! Also, Orion is suddenly interesting again!
187.
EPIPHANY
[No, he's not.]
[We've been over why he's not.]
188.
ORION
That's what a
pyric demon does.
189.
EVRYN
Pri. A. Pic.
190.
ILLYBRIUS
As for if it’s
always like that, I made a point to avoid Oleander. I do know somebody who
feels as though all her emotions are forced, as though she is merely a hollow
shell playing for the stage.
191.
ORION
I’m sorry.
192.
SERLEINA
Your FACE is
sorry.
193.
EPIPHANY
[Everyone is sorry.]
194.
SERLEINA
His MOM should be
sorry.
195.
ORION
Well since you
know her so well, why don't you ask?
196.
SERLEINA,
talking on phone
Hi, hello, is this
Onion’s mom? Oh, hi! No, I can’t see you… Behind Tokiomi?... No, but he’s
pretty tall... So, did you hear—okay... He is?... Okay, thanks so much, I’ll
let him know.
197.
SERLEINA,
regular
She says you're
the reason abortions were invented. And also that she's sorry. Hey, since
you're out there, thank you for the apology, Mrs. Sri-vaka! You the real MVP!
198.
ILLYBRIUS
But, she—meaning
Cinnamon, not your mother—is not so much soulless as soul-sharing. My
counterpart: Our emotions are intertwined, to a point. Don't mistake me—she
dislikes you strongly—
199.
EVRYN
We don't blame
her. For that, at least.
200.
ILLYBRIUS
—while I feel
the opposite.
201.
SIGYN
I don't blame
you. For that, at least.
202.
EPIPHANY
[No, this is extremely blameable.]
203.
SIGYN
What? He's
hot.
204.
EPIPHANY
[He's not.]
205.
SIGYN
Aren't you
asexual? And more importantly, a child?
206.
LENA
WE’VE BEEN
OVER THIS.
207.
OVD
Aren't YOU seventeen?
208.
SIGYN
That's... a
little bit different.
209.
TOKIOMI
To be entirely
fair, she's been like this since she was twelve.
210.
CINNAMON
Wow, right on!
211. CINNAMON and SIGYN high-five.
212.
ILLYBRIUS
However, if my
heart breaks, she can feel it as well. If hers breaks, I feel it. It’s rather
annoying.
213.
ORION
Last night...
she saved me.
214.
ILLYBRIUS
Cinnamon or
Akuma? Or your mom?
215.
SERLEINA
Dude, why would
his mom save him when we
JUST FOUND OUT—
216.
ORION
She doesn't
want to be called Akuma ever again, but yes, that is who I mean.
217.
EPIPHANY
holds up a $5 bill
[Voting under one week before they
start calling her Akuma again.]
[Also, note how Orion bluntly and gracelessly
derails the conversation back towards Akuma and Corri's characters.]
218.
SERLEINA
Well, considering
how much his mom regrets him, and how I keep bringing it up, I can’t say I’m
all that surprised.
219.
SIGYN
She meant
towards the Corris as opposed to paying attention to what Illybrius is actually
saying.
220.
SERLEINA
Oh. Illybrius
should try to be louder and more attention-getting. LIKE ME! I’m
pretty hard to ignore.
221.
SIGYN
Yes. Yes, you
are.
222.
EVRYN
You're not
really one to talk, though.
223. A hat descends from the sky
224.
OVD
Drop that money in the kit, Epiphany.
225.
EVRYN
Betting ten
that it'll be sometime within this episode, er, all-inclusive, I mean.
226. EVRYN drops a handful of singles in the hat
227. EPIPHANY drops in her $5
228.
ILLYBRIUS
I do not
understand what happened.
229.
EVRYN
We made a bet,
Illybrius.
230.
ILLYBRIUS
In a manner, I
love her.
231.
EVRYN takes a shot
232.
EVRYN
WHY, THOUGH?!
233.
ILLYBRIUS
I care for
her, but merely in the manner that close friends might. Meanwhile, I’m
completely infatuated with you and I do not know, honestly, if it is love or a
passing fancy.
234.
ORION
Well, it turns
out she doesn't care anymore. And I owe her a life debt. When you wouldn't let
me come, I couldn't move.
235.
EPIPHANY
[WHAT THE FUCK?]
236.
SIGYN
That's not how
orgasm-denial works. At all. Or edging, for that matter.
237.
ORION
She fed me her
energy to keep me alive long enough to finish.
238.
EPIPHANY
[WHAT THE FUCKING HELL?!]
239.
ORION
Then she... I
am disgusted with myself.
240.
EVRYN
That’s just
your good judgement talking. You should listen to it, for once.
241.
ORION
I should never
have come near you or her.
242.
EPIPHANY
[Which spelling is that?]
243.
DREPANON
READ THE FUCKING
SUBTITLES!
244.
EPIPHANY
[NO!]
245. ILLYBRIUS twirls coral necklace idly and longs
for absinthe
246.
ILLYBRIUS
I don’t know
how long to keep you on edge before it gets to be too much.
247.
EPIPHANY
[That's what communication is for!]
248.
SIGYN
Don't be
silly, that never works on this show!
249.
ORION
It doesn't
matter. Next time I will give you a safeword.
250.
EPIPHANY
[WHY DIDN'T YOU HAVE ONE OF THOSE BEFORE?!]
251.
EVRYN
Because, Epi,
if he had, then he wouldn't be able to guilt trip his partner over edging him.
252.
SERLEINA
“Light”. Because, you know. The world would
be dark without Light.
253.
SIGYN
I KNOW,
RIGHT?!
254.
ORION
I think she
will keep Drake gone long enough for you to do whatever this thing entails.
255.
ILLYBRIUS
I don't know
what I am doing at all. I act on the passion of the moment, as I did six
thousand years ago.
256.
EVRYN
Well, I mean,
if you're going to lack character development, you may as well go into overkill
about it.
257.
ORION
I will stay
with you for as long as you want. That is why I gave everything up to be here.
258.
EPIPHANY
[You just got out of the shower, didn't you?]
259.
EVRYN
I think he
means in this realm, as opposed to ... Gä'Auth. God damn it, why was Moon Moon
allowed to name things?
260.
DREPANON
He was the
original Demon Lord. He could do whatever the fuck he wanted!
261.
EVRYN
You must be so
proud.
262.
DREPANON
Thank you, I
am.
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