Episode 40: The Last Entry

 1.   TITLE

The Last Entry

 

2.   <date and time redacted> 

Note: The entire episode will be in Sepia.

 

3.          MAHEONE

As I write this I realize that I am a fool.

 

4.          EPIPHANY

[You don’t say, Mr. “Beautiful Fool”?]

 

5.          FLUOU

Yes, except his name didn't actually start meaning that until Larlia—

 

6.          CIN

Yes, we all know the backstory!

 

7.          FLUOU

Actually, the audience doesn't.

 

8.          SIGYN

Nor do we really care.

 

9.          CIN

Well—you and Jeph and OVD or whoever can read it to everyone later.

 

10.     FLUOU

Fine by me. I’m good with this not making sense.

 

11.     MAHEONE

I should have never let Illybrius into my bed that night.

 

12.     EPIPHANY

[ I hear that he is a serial teddy thief.]

 

13.     MAHEONE

If I hadn't, none of this would have happened.

 

14.     ROSEMARY

Would you bring me flowers?

 

15.     EVRYN

We’ll see a florist after the show. 

 

16.     MAHEONE

He came to me and snuggled up to me, drunk of course.

 

17.     ROSEMARY

That's a long shot.

 

18.     EPIPHANY

[Or at least a tall shot.]

 

19.     EVRYN

Probably about five Flaskies worth of shots.

 

20.     MAHEONE

I must admit, I was shocked, but saw nothing wrong with it.

 

21.     ROSEMARY

What do you think it would taste like?

 

22.     EPIPHANY

[Booze?]

 

23.     MAHEONE

I thought I could control myself, but I was wrong and can never forgive myself now.

 

24.     EPIPHANY

[ I know where this is going. . . .]

 

25.     MAHEONE

a)          I woke up to the feel of something not right.

b)          I looked around my room, but found nothing that should have woken me.

c)          I tensed when I felt something move beside me, but then relaxed when I realized it was only Illybrius.

 

26.     ROSEMARY

No it isn't, Dave. Think back, Dave.

 

27.     EVRYN

I love how she just renames everyone.

 

28.     MAHEONE

I should have left the room then, but I didn't.

 

29.     ROSEMARY

What color are your eyes?

 

30.     EVRYN

Per Cin’s song about him, grey like a cloudy sky.

 

31.     MAHEONE

When I saw how peaceful he was, it made it almost hard to believe that this was my friend.

 

32.     ROSEMARY

I beg to differ.

 

33.     EPIPHANY

[He's kinda the opposite of peaceful]

 

34.     MAHEONE

Knowing I would never have another chance, I decided to kiss him.

 

35.     EVRYN

Dude! He was, like, drunker than I am most nights.

 

36. Sigyn hands Epiphany $10

 

37.     SIGYN

I fail to see how that's a problem.

 

38.     EPIPHANY

[Well, for one, it's out-of-character.]

 

39.     SIGYN

Oh. Yes, that is a problem.

 

40.     MAHEONE

I only meant to kiss him once.

 

41.     EPIPHANY

[THAT IS NOT A GOOD EXCUSE.]

[The real Maheone would never do that.]

[You suck at this "impersonation" thing.]

 

42.     ROSEMARY

Now I'm discerning between you or me. You mean everything. I only mean some things.

 

43.     EPIPHANY

[That is actually possibly one of the most important lines in this entire episode.]

 

44.     EVRYN

It's possible that it's even foreshadowing!

 

45.     OVD

WHAT?! FORESHADOWING ISN'T ALLOWED!

 

46.     MAHEONE

His lips tasted so sweet, however, that I am afraid I lost control of myself after that.

 

47.     EPIPHANY

[ I hate how you keep reinforcing the false narrative that men are mindless animals unable to make rational or moral decisions when confronted by the sexy.]

[The real Maheone would never do something so heinous.]

 

48.     LENA

Can I have that back, please?

 

49. EPIPHANY'S CHAIR steps off the Designated Soapbox.

 

50.     DREPANON

I'm about to log into Facebook. Can I borrow that for—

 

51.     LENA

ONE hour.

 

52.     EVRYN

What's sad is that Maheone’s lines are written by a woman.

 

53.     EPIPHANY

[Can we petition to get her deported to Mars?]

 

54.     OVD 

No, her contract is still good for another *mumbles* years.

 

55.     ROSEMARY

Why is there never anything on TV?

 

56.     EPIPHANY

[Because of inane shows like this taking up all the space?]

 

57.     MAHEONE

I wanted him so bad, I couldn't help myself.

 

58.     FLUOU

It’s “badly”. You wanted him so “badly”. And you still could have helped yourself.

 

59.     MAHEONE

His skin was so soft.

 

60.     ROSEMARY

Wrong.

 

61.     MAHEONE

He even leaned into my touch.

 

62.     LENA

OVD, the rape apologism is making my skin feel funny.

 

63. [CUE MUSIC: Crawling by Linkin Park]

 

64.     SIGYN

That's how you know the *mumbles* are working.

 

65. EPIPHANY holds out her hand.

 

66. SIGYN ponies up.

 

67.     LENA

Wait, why do YOU get paid for her making ME more uncomfortable?

 

68.     EPIPHANY

[Are YOU trying to pay for classes and supplies for a fourth doctorate?]

 

69.     LENA

No, but I do have student loans from my women's studies courses.

 

70.     EVRYN

That's your own stupid fault. Go work at Subway or something to pay them off.

 

71. enter SERLEINA

 

72.     SERLEINA

YEAH, MAKE ME A SANDWICH! Sorry I'm late, what did I miss?

 

73.     EVRYN

The usual.

 

74.     SERLEINA

Really? Are we in a lights-out scene?

 

75.     SIGYN

No, Maheone— who apparently isn't the real Maheone— is giving a bad monologue about how he kissed his blackout-drunk best friend way back when.

 

76.     MAHEONE

a)          I know now that he needs the affection that he, himself, cannot show.

b)          I would be the one to give him what he needs.

c)          First, I need to get him out of those clothes.

 

77.     EPIPHANY

[WHY IS THAT IN PRESENT TENSE?]

 

78.     MAHEONE

He was so easy to undress.

 

79.     ROSEMARY

What did he do to you?

 

80.     EVRYN

It's more like what Maheone did to him.

 

81.     MAHEONE

It was almost too easy, since he never woke once during the whole process of me moving him to get off his pants and vest.

 

82.     EPIPHANY

[ I need an adult.]

 

83.     EVRYN

A responsible adult?

 

84.     EPIPHANY

[Preferably.]

 

85.     EVRYN

You're scr— er, there are none of those here.

 

86.     EPIPHANY

[What about an irresponsible adult with a loaded gun?]

 

87.     OVD

He doesn't appear till season 3.

 

88.     SIGYN

Where are your Xaldins?

 

89.     EPIPHANY, ;_;

[ I DON'T KNOW THAT'S THE PROBLEM]

 

90.     MAHEONE

a)          Once I finished undressing him, I could only stare at him.

b)          He was so beautiful.

 

91.     ROSEMARY

Who was beautiful?

 

92.     EVRYN

Illybrius, apparently.

 

93.     ROSEMARY

Are you saying I'm fat?

 

94.     EVRYN

Yes.

 

95.     MAHEONE

There are just no other words to describe how he looked, laying there, naked, on my sheets.

 

96.     ROSEMARY

And how many of you are there out there? Are you unique?

 

97.     EVRYN

I think there are about three of him.

 

98. enter THE XALDINS

 

99.     XALDIN 1

[Sorry we're late.]

 

100.XALDIN 2

[We got held up by Security.]

 

101.XALDIN 3

[And by "Security", he means a muscular redhead with a bad temper.]

 

102.       EPIPHANY gives Serleina an accusatory stare.

 

103.SERLEINA

Dude, three hooded figures walk into a building and I assume they're here to steal shit or kill folks.

 

104.EPIPHANY

[YOU'VE SEEN MY XALDINS BEFORE]

[THEY ALWAYS WEAR THOSE]

 

105.SERLEINA

They had their hoods up and because of Kingdom Hearts logic, I couldn't recognise them!

 

106.EPIPHANY

[Oh.]

 

107.MAHEONE

I couldn't help but kiss him again.

 

108.ROSEMARY

Because you are a real vampire.

 

109.EPIPHANY

[Hey! Don't insult vampires like that!]

 

110.EVRYN

Why not? Vaan does.

 

111.EPIPHANY

[Sparklepires don't count.]

[Unless they're Dio.]

 

112.VAAN

VEXCUSE ME. I am not a Sparklepire. I am a GLITTERPIRE.

 

113.EPIPHANY

[And if Dio were here, you would be his bitch.]

 

114.SERLEINA

WOOF.

 

115.VAAN

—

 

116.SERLEINA

BORKL.

 

117.MAHEONE

His lips were so sweet.

 

118.ROSEMARY

I know, we're talking about beards.

 

119.EPIPHANY

[ I don't think Illybrius is anyone's beard.]

 

120.EVRYN

No, but Akuma's probably his.

 

121.MAHEONE

It made me wonder what the rest of him tasted like.

 

122.ROSEMARY

I don't know. Shouldn't you?

 

123.EPIPHANY

[No.]

 

124.MAHEONE

a)  Would he stay just as sweet?

b)  I suddenly craved to know, and I would find out.

c)   I moved from his lips to his cheek, his taste staying the same.

 

125.EPIPHANY

[Does Illybrius sweat sugar? That seems terribly inefficient.]

 

126.EVRYN

No, but according to Corri, he tastes like honey. I don't know why the fuck she thinks that.  Maybe her brain has become bees. Poor fuzzy little bastards.

 

127.MAHEONE

I moved onto his neck, and he shifted into my touch, letting out a small noise.

 

128.ROSEMARY

Are you real?

 

129.EVRYN

No. He's clearly imaginary. Or some sort of impostor.

 

130.MAHEONE

That noise he made only encouraged me.

 

131.ROSEMARY

What is your name?

 

132.FLUOU

We've been over this. His name is “beautiful fool.”

 

133.MAHEONE

I worked my way down his body, kissing his chest. His skin was so sweet.

 

134.EPIPHANY

[Stop it.]

 

135.ROSEMARY

Hey, all work and no play makes Jack a dull boy.

 

136.EVRYN

I’LL NEVER LET GO, JACK!

 

137.MAHEONE

Just like his lips.

 

138.ROSEMARY

Blue is not a country.

 

139.EPIPHANY

[Wait, his lips were a dull blue?]

[Faker didn't say anything about STRANGLING him.]

 

140.EVRYN

Or she could be implying that no one is buying his cheap imitation of Bliu.

 

141.EPIPHANY

[ I didn't realise he was still trying.]

 

142.OVD

It gets so much worse.

 

143.MAHEONE

a)  He was like the sweetest thing I had ever had.

b)  I moved on to his nipples and kissed them, feeling him move into my touch again.

 

144.EPIPHANY

[Stop it.]

 

145.MAHEONE, now with two spears through him

I gently rubbed his chest, feeling his other nipple harden under my touch.

 

146.ROSEMARY

Was our conversation so useless to you?

 

147.EVRYN

Not as useless as this script.

 

148.MAHEONE

I remember that I pulled back to look at him.

 

149.EPIPHANY

[Did you realise you were acting like a fucking rapist?]

 

150.MAHEONE

His skin was beginning to flush and he looked even more beautiful than before.

 

151.ROSEMARY

That's so cool. 

 

152.EPIPHANY

[Not you, too, Rosemary!]

 

153.       ROSEMARY has +1 spear through her.

 

154.MAHEONE

He was even starting to harden.

 

155.ROSEMARY

Indeed. As was his protégé.

 

156.EPIPHANY

[OVD, make them stop.]

 

157.OVD 

OvD, mAkE tHeM sToP

 

158.       +1 spear through ceiling.

 

159.OVD

Ow, my sit-meats!

 

160.MAHEONE

It made me wonder if the other parts of his body were all just as sweet.

 

161.EPIPHANY

[You can wait until he wakes up and ask!]

 

162.MAHEONE

I moved further down his body kissing and gently nipping at his skin.

 

163.ROSEMARY

Down there?

 

164.EPIPHANY

[Guyyyyssss, stop it!]

 

165.MAHEONE, 3 spears

When I finally made it to his hip he was fully erect and a wonderful size.

 

166.ROSEMARY, 2 spears

Wow, that's... Beautiful.

 

167.MAHEONE

a)  I stroked him savoring the soft skin until I could take no more and decided that yes I would love to taste him.

b)  I slowly took him into my mouth being careful not to score him with my teeth.

 

168.EPIPHANY

[Stop it.]

 

169.MAHEONE, 4 spears

a)  It wouldn't do to hurt him in such a tender area.

b)  I took as much of him in my mouth as I possibly could and began to suck.

 

170.ROSEMARY, 3 spears

No.

 

171.MAHEONE, 5 spears

It was hard at first but I got the hang of it.

 

172.ROSEMARY

No, the first things you told me were that you were a person and did not have a job.

 

173.LENA

Rapists aren't people.

 

174.EVRYN

By that criterion, there are very few people on this show.

 

175.SIGYN

Or in the Audience.

 

176.       EPIPHANY holds out her hand.

 

177.       XALDIN retrieves the $10 and ponies up because he is not comfortable with a self-admitted rapist being that close to Epiphany.

 

178.EPIPHANY

[Not that 3 is a large number anyway.]

[But thank you for your donation.]

 

179.XALDIN #3, slightly offended.

[ It gets the job done.]

 

180.MAHEONE

I only wish I could have taken all of him in.

 

181.ROSEMARY

Don't trust your secrets to the sea.

 

182.REIYA

Can we switch to what Rosemary is watching?

 

183.OVD

Naaaaaaaaahhhhhhhh. I'm enjoying watching Maheone get used for target practice.

 

184.MAHEONE

He was even beginning to leak and his taste was overpowering.

 

185.ROSEMARY

Do you get tired just sitting there?

 

186.EPIPHANY

[ I'd like to wring his neck, but he's taller than me.]

 

187.MAHEONE +1 spear

It was delicious.

 

188.ROSEMARY

What do you think of Pumpkin Pie?

 

189.MAHEONE, with Epiphany writing in the background

I picked up my pace knowing he was more than likely getting close.

 

190.EPIPHANY

[ I like the smell of Pumpkin Pie.]

 

191.ROSEMARY

I do too.

 

192.MAHEONE +1 spear

a)  He was making the most interesting noises.

b)  They were so arousing.

 

193.ROSEMARY

And I think it was amazing. It won 2 Oscars.

 

194.MAHEONE +1 spear

a)  It was making me wonder if he thought it was Larlia doing this to him in his dreams or maybe even Larlia doing it for real.

b)  That thought made me give him a rather sharp bite to the crown of his head.

c)   He came hard in my mouth and I managed to swallow all of it and noticed that he had awoken and was looking down at me but was still rather drunk.

d)  I climbed up him and gave him a kiss, letting him taste the essence I had gotten him to produce for me.

e)  He squirmed and shifted below me as I did, rubbing against me and making me harder than I already was.

f)     Not wanting him to ruin the mood, I pressed him down, wanting him to be still.

 

195.EPIPHANY

[How can there be a “mood” to ruin if you’re a rapist? Rapist.]

 

196.ROSEMARY

I would be impressed with your ability to keep me engaged in this conversation.

 

197.EPIPHANY

[ I would be impressed with the fact that he's still standing after being riddled with spears, but I don't like him.]

 

198.MAHEONE +3 spears

a)  He probably thought this was just a dream or drunken fantasy.

b)  I had to prove him wrong.

c)   I wanted him to know that this was real and that he was mine.

d)  He would always be mine.

e)  I grabbed the oil from where I had it in case he should ever want me or I ever had this chance.

 

199.EPIPHANY

[You keep a bottle of lube around just in case you have a chance to rape someone?]

 

200.MAHEONE +3 spears

I barely had enough oil but it would do.

 

201.EPIPHANY

[. . . I don't even.]

 

202.MAHEONE +1 spear

At least I had the sense to prepare him a bit before I was going to slide into him.

 

203.EVRYN

So, what you're saying is that it’s okay to rape someone as long as you lube up first?

 

204.ROSEMARY

Maybe, I'm not so sure, though.

 

205.EVRYN

No, Rosemary! The answer is no! No, no, no, no, no!

 

206.ROSEMARY

True. I'm sorry, I wasn't paying attention.

 

207.MAHEONE +1 spear

I rubbed the oil against him and slid two fingers in and moved them around a bit and listened to the whimpers he made.

 

208.       THE XALDINS recall their spears, while Serleina yells things like "RIP!" and "SQUELCH" and "BLEEEEEDDDD".

 

209.MAHEONE, super bloody, now with only 1 spear in him

Thinking he had enough, I coated myself in the last of the oil and slid in.

 

210.ROSEMARY, slightly bloody where her spears were

And what are those feelings?

 

211.OREGANO

WHAT IS THIS FEELING, SO SUDDEN AND NEW?

 

212.MAHEONE, 2 spears

He made such a beautiful noise as he arched up against me.

 

213.SIGYN

I FELT THE MOMENT I LAID EYES ON YOU!

 

214.MAHEONE, 3 spears

It was like a pleading whimper of pleasure that made me start thrusting into him at a fast pace.

 

215.DREPANON

My pulse is rushing

 

216.MAHEONE, 4 spears

He grabbed at my back and I could feel his claws dig into my back and I hissed out in pain and grabbed both his arms and slammed them down hard.

 

217.SIGYN

My head is reeling

 

218.MAHEONE, 5 spears

I didn't want this to be the rough sex he was used to.

 

219.EPIPHANY

a)  [Too late for that.]

 

b)  DREPANON, simultaneously

My face is flushing

 

220.MAHEONE, 6 spears

I wanted it to be about love.

 

221.EPIPHANY

a)  [WAY Too late for that.]

 

b)  SIGYN, simultaneously

What is this feeling?

 

222.MAHEONE, 7 spears

Deciding that he would probably try to do that again, I figured it would be best to bind his hands.

 

223.DREPANON

Fervid as a flame

 

224.MAHEONE, 8 spears

He twisted under me as I kissed him and finally I managed to fully restrain his hands behind his back with a strip of the sheets.

 

225.SIGYN

Does it have a name, yeeeeessss

 

226.MAHEONE, 9 spears

He looked up at me and it seemed his eyes were pleading and begging for more.

 

227.EPIPHANY

a)  [Your rapistgoggles are showing.]

 

b)  DREPANON, simultaneously

Loathing, unadulterated loathing

 

228.MAHEONE, 10 spears

How was I to resist that look coming from him?

 

229.EPIPHANY, while Those Two are singing

a)  [You could have chopped your own balls off]

 

b)  SIGYN

For your face.

 

c)   DREPANON

Your voice.

 

d)  SIGYN

Your clothing

 

230.MAHEONE, 11 spears

I gave in and pounded into him a bit harsher than I had intended, but loving the noises he made.

 

231.DREPANON

Let's just say, I loathe it all!

 

232.MAHEONE, 12 spears

He had already pushed my patience to its limits and I was too far gone to resist.

 

233.EPIPHANY

a)  [Stop talking.]

 

b)  SIGYN, simultaneously

Every little trait however small makes my very flesh begin to crawl

 

234.EPIPHANY

a)  [You may continue singing.]

 

b)  DREPANON, simultaneously

With simple utter loathing

 

235.MAHEONE, 13 spears

I kissed him and told him how much I loved him over and over again until we both finally reached our peak.

 

236.SIGYN

There's a strange exhilaration

 

237.DREPANON

In such total detestation

 

238.SIGYN

It's so pure, so strong!

 

239.MAHEONE, 14 spears

Noticing the sky beginning to lighten, I figured it must have been several hours since we started.

 

240.DREPANON

Though I do admit it came on fast

 

241.SIGYN

Still I do believe that it can last

 

242.MAHEONE, 15 spears

For the first time since I tied his hands together, I looked up at his face and noticed the tears.

 

243.EPIPHANY

a)  [Way to fail your Spot check.]

 

b)  DREPANON, sim.

And I will be loathing, loathing you my whole life long!

 

244.MAHEONE

He was crying.

 

245.EPIPHANY

a)  [ I wonder why.]

 

b)  REIYA, sim.

Dear Drepanon, you are just too good

 

246.MAHEONE

The pillow and part of the bed was soaked with his bloody tears.

 

247.REIYA

How do you stand it, I don't think I could

 

248.MAHEONE, 16 spears

I pulled back and realized just how bad I must have hurt him.

 

249.REIYA

She's a terror, she's a tartar, we don't think you show a bias, but Drepanon, you're a martyr

 

250.MAHEONE

I was horrified.

 

251.DREPANON

Well, these things are sent to tryyyyy uuuuus

 

252.MAHEONE

In my state of frenzy I must have lost all control of myself.

 

253.EPIPHANY + BS button

[Bullshit.]

 

254.EVRYN

Besides, Maheone isn’t a berserker. Dumbass.

 

255.MAHEONE, 17 spears

He was covered in bruises and bitemarks.

 

256.EPIPHANY

[Did you roll a fucking 1, or is the penalty modifier for rapistgoggles really that bad?]

 

257.EVRYN

I think he just rolled a 1 at fucking.

 

258.MAHEONE, 18 spears

I pulled out of him and he let out a noise of pain.

 

259.REIYA

a)  Poor Drepanon, forced to reside with someone so disgusticified, we just want to tell you, we're all on your siiiiiide!

 

b)    THE XALDINS recall their spears, while Serleina yells things like "RIP!" and "SQUELCH" and "BLEEEEEDDDD".

 

260.MAHEONE (bloody, with 0 spears)

I winced and decided to be safe, checked to see where else I had hurt him.

 

261.ROSEMARY

I don't quite understand what you're trying to say either. Let's talk about something else?

 

262.SIGYN

Let's sing about it!

 

263.DREPANON

No.

 

264.       exit DREPANON

 

265.EPIPHANY, Santa Claus scowl

[How did he even get here without paying the fee?]

 

266.SERLEINA

Sorry, I was distracted and forgot to bounce him. PRE-EMPTIVE AIRHORN NOISES!

 

267.SIGYN

I didn't—

 

268.SERLEINA

*ACTUAL AIRHORN NOISE*

 

269.MAHEONE

It was to my horror I found that I had torn him very badly.

 

270.EPIPHANY

[Did you shine a flashlight up his ass, or do you have the equipment for a colonoscopy in your room, too?]

 

271.MAHEONE

There was a good amount of blood under where he was laying and I realized I shouldn't have been so hasty in preparing him and not using enough oil.

 

272.EPIPHANY

[. . . No, you SHOULDN'T HAVE RAPED HIM.]

 

273.MAHEONE, 1 spear

a)  I rushed to clean him up and heal him, apologizing the whole time I did so.

b)  But I guess it was too late for that.

c)   He said nothing the whole time as I untied him and wiped away the blood and healed any signs of what I had done to him.

 

274.ROSEMARY

I think I'll leave now. I can't afford to waste my time on here right now.

 

275.       exit ROSEMARY

 

276.MAHEONE

a)  He just sat there and cried.

b)  Ashamed of myself, I held him as he cried, but I guess he ran out of tears, because soon he stopped and fell back asleep.

c)   I released him and realized I was covered in blood, both from what I did to him and his crying.

d)  I rushed to clean myself up, and as I washed, realization of what I did hit me.

e)  I just raped the only person I ever cared for.

 

277.EPIPHANY

[And are we supposed to feel sorry for you, after you just so lovingly described the act in horrible lurid detail despite having been told many times to stop?]

 

278.EVRYN

Well, you see, rapists tend to do things despite being told to stop.

 

279.EPIPHANY

[. . . I walked right into that one, didn't I?]

 

280.MAHEONE, 2 spears

a)  I dried off and dressed myself and went to check on him again.

b)  He was still asleep and clutching my pillow.

c)   Berating myself for being a fool I grabbed his clothes and redressed him.

d)  I picked him up and took him home to his own his room as quickly as I could.

e)  As I tucked him into bed I realized that he had been right.

f)     This would change us for the worst.

g)  I wouldn't be able to face him knowing that I had raped him not even a few hours ago.

h)  Realizing just what would have to be done I decided to block his memory of what happened.

 

281.EPIPHANY

[So, after violating his body, you also violated his mind?]

 

282.EVRYN

His existence violates the universe.

 

283.       enter ROSEMARY

 

284.ROSEMARY

There is no snack table in the sea.

 

285.MAHEONE, 3 spears

It's the only thing I can do now.

 

286.EPIPHANY

[No, actually. You could have shot yourself.]

 

287.MAHEONE, 4 spears

As much as I love him I fear hurting him like this again.

 

288.EVRYN takes a shot

 

289.MAHEONE

a)  As I started to perform the spell I realized that someone from Celestia could easily undo the spell.

b)  With a quick thanks to that Dark Guide that hated me so much I cast an Enzeru spell to seal the memory.

c)   Now no one can undo it unless they know which spell I used.

 

290.EPIPHANY

[ If only we had a database of magical spells with a search engine. . .]

 

291.EVRYN

It's not like we could use any electronic de... wait... Akuma, let me see your phone?

 

292.AKUMA

What? No! It's mine!

 

293.EVRYN

But it's the only one that wasn't damaged in the surprise flood!

 

294.MAHEONE

a)  Soul magic is hard to break.

b)  I just hope he never finds out and asks one to undo the spell.

 

295.EPIPHANY

[OVD, can I blackmail my fellow castmates?]

[More so, I mean?]

 

296.OVD

As long as it doesn't involve doing them significant bodily harm that would impede them from doing their jobs.

 

297.ROSEMARY

Like what?

 

298.EVRYN

Like... all the stuff she's not allowed to do?

 

299.SERLEINA

We could introduce her to Marigold and *she* could teach Epiphany how to go about blackmail. I don't like the woman much, but she did manage to get a certain demon lord wrapped around her little finger.

 

300.MAHEONE

I went and got a carafe of water to help his hangover in the morning.

 

301.SIGYN

Roofie hangovers are the worst.

 

302.MAHEONE

a)  Not wanting to have anything like this happen again I decided to leave him a note.

b)  If I want to protect him the best thing I can do is push him away even though I love him.

 

303.       EVRYN takes a shot

 

304.MAHEONE

I wrote down the only thing I thought he would understand and left it there and went home.

 

305.ROSEMARY

That is very mean, to yell at pancakes.

 

306.EPIPHANY

[You know, that gives me an idea. . . .]

 

307.OVD

Epiphany, you may not have your fellow castmates flattened in any way, shape, or form.

 

308.EPIPHANY

[Killjoy.]

 

309.OVD

EXCEPT financially, I guess, since you're already extorting them.

 

310.EPIPHANY, innocent eyes

[ I haven't a clue what you mean.]

 

311.OVD

You're using the Plot Board as a racketeering device.

 

312.EVRYN

Oh, she is not. Look at her! Look at that innocent face! How could this POSSIBLY be her fault? Clearly *I'm* the one who actually came up with it.

 

313.SERLEINA

Wait, wasn't that her defense when she got acquitted of murder?

 

314.EPIPHANY

[That wasn't my ENTIRE defense!]

 

315.EVRYN

Wouldn't killing a pedophile fall under justifiable homicide?

 

316.EPIPHANY

[ It was classed as self-defense.]

 

317.TOKIOMI

I wish my lawyer was as good as the rude doctor's.

 

318.DÉSMODA

Um, I waived your attorney’s fees for the last engagement. You’re WELCOME.

 

319.TOKIOMI

a)  You waived them because your firm guarantees your clients don’t have to pay unless you win.

 

b)  DÉSMODA

Well, there’s not a lot I can do for you if you insist on doing the exact opposite of what I advise you to.

 

320.MAHEONE

Seeing the state of my room I decided that my things needed to be cleaned now so I hurried to get out the blood before it dried which I did much to my relief.

 

321.EPIPHANY

[That sentence reminds me of you in a lot of ways. It needs to be taken out and shot.]

 

322.MAHEONE

a)  Knowing I wouldn't sleep I rushed to get a few things done before I had to leave.

b)  No one would miss me for a few hours and it will also give me a chance to make sure that no one else finds out about what happened.

 

323.EPIPHANY

[A good way to do that is to not confess to your crimes on tape.]

 

324.SIGYN

I know, right?

 

325.       EPIPHANY holds out her hand.

 

326.SIGYN

I meant hypothetically, like, uh, if I was shoplifting aga— I mean, for the first time, in a manner of speaking, I wouldn't admit to it on camera.

 

327.       EPIPHANY pouts.

 

328.       EVRYN "re-liberates" something Sigyn has shoplifted recently and hands it to Epiphany.

 

329.ROSEMARY

Wow, you hit it right on the nose.

 

330.EVRYN

Someone should hit HIM on the nose with a rolled-up newspaper.

 

331.MAHEONE

a)  I guess I need to check the archives just to be safe.

b)  When he came in later I was thankful he didn't remember but I let him think that he knew what I problem was.

c)   After he left I decided to come back here to get his present early however I fear he might not accept her now.

d)  But I made her for us.

e)  Still she will feel his pull and they will meet soon.

f)     She is my apology to him, even though I know I do not deserve his forgiveness ever.

g)  He always will be the one I love.

h)  Seeing her still so young though I think I will give her to him when she is a bit older.

 

332.EPIPHANY

[. . . And here I didn't think this episode could get any creepier]

 

333.MAHEONE

True by their years she is in her late twenties but she still looks like a child.

 

334.EPIPHANY

[This is the most bullshit origin story.]

 

335.EVRYN

Wait till the Devil May Cry "reboot" comes out.

 

336.MAHEONE

a)  Illybrius would never take her knowing that.

b)  I have explained everything that I have done now to the best of my ability in this language.

 

337.LENA

You mean to say that you could have described how you raped him in an even more fetishistic way in another language?

 

338.EPIPHANY

[ I don't believe it.]

 

339.MAHEONE

a)  I hope that should the day come if he ever finds out about what crimes I have committed against him he can understand why I did what I have done.

b)  Of course by then things may just be too late to fix.

c)   Should you ever see this Illybrius, my love, I am sorry for what I did.

d)  Maybe we can be together...in our next life, my love.

 

340.EVRYN

Stop. Quoting. Axel.

 

341.       FLASH to present

(No longer Sepia)

 

342.ILLYBRIUS

I never wanted to be protected...

 

343.MAHEONE (full colour)

You may not have wanted to be protected, but I did it anyway.

 

344.EPIPHANY

[ I'm starting to sense a pattern here.]

 

345.MAHEONE

a)  She is safe.

b)  We are going to spend the day at the Temple on High, since it is my home, but by dusk, we will be gone again.

c)   I am so sorry, Illybrius.

 

346.EVRYN

And yet, still a better love story than Twilight.

 

347.SIGYN

No, it really isn't. Though it's vaguely more palatable than Fifty Shades of—

 

348.OREGANO

SMACK THAT! ALL ON THE FLOOR

SMACK THAT! GIVE ME SOME MORE

SMACK THAT! TILL YOU GET SORE

SMACK THAT! OH~~~

 

349.ROSEMARY

What would you do with wings?

 

350.EPIPHANY

[Kill everyone.]

 

351.EVRYN

What, even me?

 

352.ROSEMARY

What is your IQ?

 

353.EPIPHANY

[172, but once you're past 145 or so the exact number stops really mattering.]