TITLE
Akuma’s
Miscarriage, part 5
11/02/2008,
9:00 p.m.
3
ORION
Almost.
4
ILLYBRIUS
Miss
Akuma--
5
AKUMA
Lee…
6
ILLYBRIUS
There
you are.
7
ORION
Almost.
Keep breathing. Focus on Lee, okay?
8
AKUMA
Kibito
9
EVRYN poses
Tree?
10
EPIPHANY
[I wonder if one of my Nene's friends
can do anything with angel wings. . . .]
11 EVRYN
I know a woman who makes lovely masquerade masks out of them.
12
ILLYBRIUS
I’m
here, my love.
13
AKUMA
Can’t.
14
EPIPHANY
[He can't be here?]
15
ILLYBRIUS
Yes,
you can!
16
ORION
I
know, please, just a few more minutes.
17
ILLYBRIUS
Come
on, focus. I know you have it in you.
18
ORION
Please
just hang on. Fuck. Marcus, the knife!
19
enter MARCUS THE WEAPONS GUY
20
MARCUS hands Orion a knife
21
exit MARCUS THE WEAPONS GUY
22
AKUMA
Kibito.
23
EPIPHANY
[I don't suppose we
could just pluck her feathers for arts and crafts and then bread and deep fry
the rest of her?]
[I mean, almost anything
smells good deep fried.]
24 OVD
Epiphany,
you may not cook your fellow castmates.
25 EVRYN
But can she pluck Akuma's feathers?
26 OVD
Yes.
27
EPIPHANY grins, produces a set of tweezers
28
ILLYBRIUS
I’m
here! Akuma, you will make it!
29
AKUMA
So
warm. Il vran. Vran.
30
ORION
Lee?
Fuck! Damn it! Lee!
31
EPIPHANY, with feathers accumulating at her feet
[You're a terrible
surgeon. Can't keep your cool at all.]
[My dad always used to
say that the worst thing you can do in an emergency is panic.]
32
SIGYN
And,
how did that work out for him?
33
EPIPHANY
[He was a neurosurgeon. When he died,
there wasn't enough time to panic or not.]
34
SIGYN
And
I'm sure if I got a Ouija board in here, he'd love to tell us all about it.
35
EPIPHANY
[You don't think I've tried using a
Ouija board to contact my parents?]
[It doesn't work for anyone who died
in that accident.]
36
SIGYN, blankly
Oh.
That's a shame.
37
ILLYBRIUS
I’m
here.
38
ORION
She’s
not doing well but she is alive. For a few minutes there, we couldn’t separate
her life from the child’s. We came very close to losing them both.
39
EPIPHANY
[Maybe if you weren't
the shittiest surgeon ever, you wouldn't be doing such a shitty job.]
40
ORION
Oh and I suppose you could do better?
41
EPIPHANY
[Yes!]
42
ORION
I hate your face!
43 EPIPHANY
[I hate your very
existence.]
44 ORION
I hate my existence too! I wasn't meant to exist! I should just go and
die!
45 OVD
As much
as I'm inclined to agree, your contract forbids your permanent death until
2010.
46 ORION
Fine! Then I'll just kill myself and come back so I can kill myself again
and come back again for my stupid contract!
47 EPIPHANY
[Why? So we'd pay more
attention to you?]
48
ORION
a.
Yay!
It’s working!
b.
Now
to make a post on my Facebook about it, so I'll get EVEN MORE attention! That's
what the cool kids are doing nowadays, right?
49
ILLYBRIUS
Dertine-briucce.
50
ORION
Can
you feel her?
51
ILLYBRIUS
Yes.
Can she feel me?
52
ORION
She
said she could before passing out, so I would guess so.
53 EPIPHANY
[When was this?]
54 ORION
Before she passed out!
55 EPIPHANY
[No, I mean, we've been
sitting here the whole time. She never said anything.]
56 ORION
She said it so quietly only I could hear her.
57 EPIPHANY
looks at Evryn
[Did you see her mouth
moving?]
58 EVRYN
I was trying not to look at her face. But those two have such an advanced
hivemind that I'm not surprised the whiny quack surgeon could hear her voice in
his head.
59
ORION
I
want you to keep an eye on the bond. If you notice her end getting weak, just
push a little energy through.
60
ILLYBRIUS
To
borrow Usagi’s colloquialism, DUH!
61
ORION
Now
I need to… hmm? FUCK! I was stupid!
62
EVRYN
What
else is new?
63
USAGI
No
kidding.
64
ORION
Shut
up.
65
USAGI
No.
66
EPIPHANY
[You're only realising
this now?]
67 ORION
Shut UP.
68 EPIPHANY
flips Orion the bird.
69
ORION
I
know why the pregnancy didn’t take now.
70
USAGI blows raspberry
71
ILLYBRIUS
Damn
it! Orion, ignore Usagi and the miniature scientist.
72 ORION
What's a scientist? Is that like a shaman?
73 EPIPHANY
[Short answer: No.]
[Long answer: Scientists
are people who figure out why and how stuff works via collection of empirical
data. Shamans are licensed religious practitioners who make use of applied
spiritology.]
74 ORION
Too complicated; my head hurts.
75
EPIPHANY
[I'd have thought you'd
be used to that.]
76 ORION
What do you mean?
77
EPIPHANY
[If you're so simple
that even that makes your head hurt, you must be in near-constant pain, no?]
78 ORION
Why would you say that?
79 EPIPHANY
[Because anyone with a grade-school
grasp of English should be able to understand what I said back there.]
80a. ORION
Is English that weird language they speak in England where they call
French fries chips?
80b.
How is that relevant if you're always writing in Epiphanese?
80c.
SIGYN
Onion,
is your brain waterlogged or are you always this stupid?
80d.
ORION
My
brain isn't waterlogged. I haven't even been IN the water for, like, two hours
now!
81
ILLYBRIUS, irritably
Tell
me why the pregnancy didn’t take.
82
ORION
She
was carrying twins. Both girls. I didn’t notice when I removed them before, but
now…. Her body was trying to carry twins and ran out of energy far too soon for
the pregnancy to take.
83
ILLYBRIUS
I
see.
84
AKUMA
Go
men Nazi.
85
EPIPHANY
[And the fucking weeaboo
is awake.]
86
USAGI
Illybrius.
87
ILLYBRIUS
My
eyes hurt.
88
EPIPHANY
[You looked at her face,
didn't you?]
89 EVRYN
IT BUUUUUUUUUUUUUURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRNS!
90
SIGYN
Well,
I suggest you stop using Razzle Dazzle in your eyedrops.
91
EVRYN
That
doesn't work on me.
92
SIGYN
I
would think that using glittery eyedrops would hurt almost anyone, but okay.
93
ORION
She’s
waking.
94
EPIPHANY
[No shit. She was
butchering my mother's mother tongue a few seconds ago.]
95
USAGI
Illybrius!
No! Illybrius!
96
ORION
At
times like this, I really wish I was as heartless as people say I am.
97
USAGI
This
ain’t about you, bub!
98
EPIPHANY
[From the Corri Socks' perspective,
EVERYTHING is about them.]
99
ORION
No,
but they are both crying tears of blood now.
100
USAGI
His
crying’s YOUR FUCKING FAULT!
101
ORION
How
is it my fault she lost the children?
102
EPIPHANY
[How ISN'T it your fault, Onion?]
[Now that you bring it up.]
103
SIGYN
I
assumed it was my fault for causing the flood and, you know, the stress of
Akuma almost drowning. Wait, what am I saying? This ENTIRE THING can be blamed
on Onion. Sweet! Easy out!
104
EPIPHANY
[What "stress"? Akuma's in
mortal peril ALL THE TIME. She must be used to it by now.]
105
USAGI
I
said HIS crying! And he ain’t crying because the kids were lost!
106
ORION
Very
well. I see. You comfort him, then. I will take care of Akuma.
107
enter CIN
108
USAGI
YOU’RE
THE ONE WHO MADE HIM CRY! WHY THE FUCK SHOULD I COMFORT HIM?
109
EVRYN
Because
you're his friend, maybe?
110
EPIPHANY
[He does have kind of a point about
Corri Socks never wanting to deal with Illybrius's feelings ever at all.]
111
SIGYN
I
just assumed that was because it was inconvenient for men to have feelings,
though.
112
EVRYN
What.
WHAT?
113
SIGYN
What
do you mean, what? Meta considers it inconvenient for me to have feelings, so I
just assumed that Corri, being a woman, would write her characters as
considering male feelings to be inconvenient.
114
EVRYN
Oh,
okay then, that makes sense!
115
CIN
USAGI,
SHUT THE FUCK UP! ORION HAS TO ATTEND TO AKUMA, UNLESS YOU’RE WILLING TO TAKE
CARE OF HER, SO YOU’RE THE ONLY ONE WHO CAN TAKE CARE OF LEE! Now why don’t all
of you stop acting like a bunch of damn fowl with your heads cut off before I
cut something else off?!
116
USAGI
Illybrius--
117
ORION
Is
he better?
118
REIYA, mockingly
Is
he better?
119
CIN
He’s
well enough to be manipulating the shape and texture of the blood, so yes.
120
CIN trips
121a.
CIN
Aah,
I’m falling.
121b.
A grail? What the hell is anyone gonna do with a grail?
122
EVRYN
If
Illybrius is a demigod and he’s crafting a grail, does that make it a holy
grail?
123
EPIPHANY
[And, if so, does this
mean there's going to be a battle royale to the death over it a la Fate/Stay
Night?]
[Please tell me there's
going to be a battle royale to the death.]
124
EVRYN
I hope so, too! And if I win, I'm going to ask for all the contracts to be
nullified and for a carving knife so I can stab everyone I don't like on this
show!
125
SERLEINA
Or you
could just borrow mine.
126
SERLEINA holds up her Grail.
127
GRAIL opens to reveal a carving knife.
128
SERLEINA'S VOICE
Behold,
my DEVICE!
129a
ILLYBRIUS
S’pretty.
And no, I just want discount bubble tea. They give you a lower price if you
bring in your own cup.
129b.
AKUMA jumps for joy
FUCK
YEAH, DISCOUNT BUBBLE TEA!
130a
ORION
Akuma,
don’t do that. I don’t have all the stitches in.
130b.
EPIPHANY
[Translation: You guys,
stop paying attention to Illybrius!]
[Also, what part of her body even
needs stitching up? The zygote wasn't even attached!]
131.
AKUMA, to Onion
Like
you can comprehend the joys of bubble tea, you wastrel.
132
ORION
Oh,
no, I'm just creating her new winter wardrobe! I'm sewing the clothes directly
onto her body!
133
EPIPHANY
[Isn't that why the Archduke
Ferdinand died? He was sewn into his clothes so they couldn't remove them in
time.]
134
ORION
In
time for what?
135
EPIPHANY
[To render appropriate first aid for
his gunshot wound.]
136
ORION
Oh,
we don't need to worry about that. OVD said there won't be a gunman in the show
until 2010.
137
AKUMA, wearing swatches of mismatched fabric and patterns
Orion,
you have the best sense of fashion. I love you, dear brother.
138
EVRYN takes a shot.
139
ORION
Not
now, Akuma. We must wait, till after the episode.
140
FRED
I'm
the Lighting Guy! I speak for the lights. And the lights say, "Can you
not?"
141
ILLYBRIUS
Akuma,
please don’t do anything to disrupt your healing.
142
AKUMA
I
wasn’t strong enough.
143
EPIPHANY rolls eyes
[Here we go. . .]
144
ILLYBRIUS
Listen
to me. You did not fail at anything.
145
EVRYN
Except
life!
146
ILLYBRIUS
I
felt badly about the circumstances of that child anyway. Those children, as it
seems.
147
AKUMA
Children?
No…
148
ILLYBRIUS
This
isn’t a good time.
149
AKUMA
Kiv?
150
ILLYBRIUS
Akuma,
I will tell you more when you are recovered. I do not want to say anything that
will jeopardize your health right now.
151
ORION
Lee,
use your bond. Put her in a healing sleep.
152
EPIPHANY
[Because it's not like
she has self-agency.]
153
ILLYBRIUS
I
can send her energy, but I do not know how to do that.
154
ORION
Uopin:
Sleep. Ij: of. Virule: Healing.
155
ILLYBRIUS
♪
All through the night
Sleep
for time to recover ♪
156
ORION
Note
to self: must learn that. She’s out. Lee, if I had even thought her capable of
carrying twins, I would have tried to recreate the bond between the two of you
myself.
157
ILLYBRIUS
Now
you know.
158
ORION
Enzerus
are not supposed to be capable of carrying twins.
159
EPIPHANY, deadpan
[This is my caring
face.]
160
ILLYBRIUS
Yes,
well, Miss Akuma is rather extraordinary.
161
ORION
Yes.
Yes she is.
162
EVRYN
An
extraordinary pain in all our arses.
163
ORION
I
need to finish her stitches and burn the two as it is Enzeru tradition. Do you
mind?
164
ILLYBRIUS
No.
165
ORION
If
you want, you can tell your people. It is a normal custom to us for a village
to know a death--
166
EVRYN
Biblically?
167
ORION
--
so they may send their blessings and offerings.
168
EPIPHANY
[Translation: Tell more
people about it! We feed on the attention!]
169
SIGYN
So
why can't he just put it on his Facebook like his suicide threats?
170
ORION
Because
I'm still learning how to read Facebookian!
171a
ILLYBRIUS
*laughs*
My people despise me, for the most part. I already let them know that I would
be keeping my post as Maharus of Youth and Battle, and they were most dismayed.
171b
CIN
That’s
because most of them know you as an obnoxious prick.
172
ORION
You
did it for Akuma, I take it. Still, she is a goddess now, right? Then they
should mourn us as well.
173
EPIPHANY
[Translation: WE
HUNGER!]
174
ILLYBRIUS
No,
I did not do it for Miss Akuma. Yes, she is what you might consider a goddess.
I will have Usagi inform them. They seem to like him.
175
USAGI
That’s
because I’m smokin’ hot and most of the citizens are women.
176
SIGYN
You
just implied that all women are attracted to hot men, and that no men are.
177
USAGI
Oops.
178
ORION
Good.
I hate to do this, but they will need names. Would you rather I…?
179
ILLYBRIUS
I
can do it.
180.
ORION
Very
well.
181
ILLYBRIUS
It
is Drakoste custom to name newborn girls after plants. I hope this does not
clash with any of your customs?
182
ORION
No.
They only need to bear the Enzeru name, or in this case, it would be Enzeru-Falcon.
183
ILLYBRIUS
Rangiora
Enzeru-Falcon and Belladonna Enzeru-Falcon.
184
ORION
They
are beautiful names, Kio. I am sure they are happy with them. And I am sure
Akuma will love them.
185
ILLYBRIUS
What
does “Kio” mean?
186
ORION
It
means “love”. A term of affection.
187
EPIPHANY
[Any similarity to
"koi", a Japanese word meaning the same thing, is purely
coincidental, I'm sure.]
[ </sarcasm> ]
188 ORION
No, koi is a fish!
189 EPIPHANY
[They're homophones, you
idiot. Japanese has a lot of those.]
[That's why we have
kanji.]
190 ORION
Fish aren't homophobic, you idiot!
191 EPIPHANY
[HomophoNes. From Greek:
"homo" meaning "same" and "phone" meaning
"sound".]
192
ORION
I don't have a homo phone!
193
EPIPHANY
[Evryn, you don't fail
at reading comprehension. Can you be assed to explain it?]
194 EVRYN
Look here, demon boy. "Koi" has two different meanings in
Japanese. And you're a moron.
195 ORION
So?
196
EVRYN
...Yeah, no, I can't be arsed to explain it.
197
AHRRY
HEE-HAW!
THE FISH ARE IN LOVE!
198
ORION
Ohhhhh.
Okay, then.
199
AHRRY
Never
send a lady to do an ass's work.
200
ORION
There,
here stitches are done. I have to, you know. Perform the funeral rights.
201 EVRYN
No, perform the funeral lefts!
202 ORION
What?
203 EVRYN
Well, you said "right" as in the direction. Funeral rites
are rituals.
204
ORION
I know.
205 EPIPHANY
[She's saying your line
is spelled wrong in the script.]
["Right" and
"rite" are also homophones, by the way.]
206
ORION
Are
they in love with the fish, too?
207
ILLYBRIUS
In
a sense, I know, but as I told Miss Akuma, most of our deceased are eaten.
208
AHRRY
By
the fish that are in love. With words that SOUND ALIKE AND ARE SPELLED
DIFFERENTLY, ORION.
209
ORION
Ohhh,
is that what a home grown phone is?
210
AHRRY
...Close
enough.
211
ORION
Mommy,
mommy, I learned a new word!
212
SERLEINA, phone pose
TEXT
MESSAGE! She says that's nice, but you're still an idiot, and she should
have... well...
213
SERLEINA gestures to Akuma, in bloodied patches on the floor, with two little
specks next to her with the tagline "imagine tiny cells"
214
ILLYBRIUS
Though,
the more honored are laid to rest directly inside the ground and candles are
lit for them.
215
ORION
I
can gather the ashes afterwards for you if you like.
216
ILLYBRIUS
Thank
you for the gesture, but it isn’t necessary.
217
ORION
Very
well. Now I must go. And Illybrius, I really am sorry, about everything.
218
SERLEINA
No,
you're not. But you know who is sorry? YOUR MOM!
219
ILLYBRIUS
I
forgive you, mijn pomme.
220
ORION
If
you feel up to it, travel across the bond and stay with her. She needs you. Now
I must go. These children must be sent back home.
221
EPIPHANY
[Go already!]
[I'm sick of your stupid
face.]
222
ORION
At least I'm not a meanie-faced midget with a homophobic fish!
223
EPIPHANY
[I am not a midget, and
my fish don't have the mental capacity to understand sexuality.]
224
ORION
You don't have the mental capacity to understand FISH!
225
EPIPHANY
[Please tell that to my
Biology PhD.]
226 ORION
I don't talk to "phuh-deez".
227
ILLYBRIUS
Very
well. Douven-noire.
228
ORION
Farewell.
229
[exit ORION]
230
SOME LADY stands up from the audience section.
231
SOME LADY
I
would just like to offer each and every one of you a personal apology for the
existence of the demon Orion.
232
OVD
...
Apology halfway-accepted, Mrs. Sri-vaka.
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