TITLE
How Orion Became a Demon and Other
Inconsistencies
SETTING
Orion’s room
Mon, Nov 10, 2008; 5.25 PM
ILLYBRIUS
Orion? I had an urgent message from
Cinnamon. Are you alright?
Ori…?
Orion? ORION!
Orion, where are you?
ORION peeks out from behind a curtain (or the
Ficus, depending what we feel like drawing)
Here.
ILLYBRIUS
You scared me.
ORION
Sorry. I’m not feeling too well.
ILLYBRIUS
I know. I’m not supposed to be here
right now, so if I suddenly disappear, know that I’ll be back.
EPIPHANY
[Please, don't
linger on our account.]
ORION
I am such a fool. I broke my promise
to you.
ILLYBRIUS
How?
EPIPHANY
[What promise, and
does anyone care?]
ORION
I promised to protect Akuma for you
and… I’ve looked everywhere for her but I can’t find her. I am… truly sorry
Kio.
EPIPHANY sighs
[You are so
angstnoying]
EVRYN
Trust me, he gets worse in this
episode. My normal state of drunk is not drunk enough for this.
ILLYBRIUS
It’s alright. I’ve been assured that she’ll
be back before the full moon. Please don’t ask for details, because I cannot
give them, but she will be back.
EPIPHANY
[Oh,
excellent. I know a werewolf who has been dying to meat her.]
OVD
Epiphany, you may not
feed or introduce your fellow castmates to werewolves on the
full moon.
EVRYN
Then why do we have Serleina?
OVD
She’s Security! And she can get her
own food.
ORION
You heard from her? NO!
EPIPHANY
[Has your evil plan
been foiled?]
EVRYN
Maybe he’s just scared of Serleina.
SERLEINA
HE SHOULD BE! Also, I peed in
his shoes and then rinsed them out with Razzlewater.
ORION
Please, I feel nothing from Drake’s
connection to her, please.
ILLYBRIUS
I can’t—I can’t say anything more.
ORION
Is she okay? At least grant me that
much.
EPIPHANY
[So
your hivemind only works when it doesn't get in the way of angst?]
EVRYN
I think he might be
testing Illybrius.
EPIPHANY
[So
it's a pop quiz?]
EVRYN
I guess.
ILLYBRIUS
She is as well as can be expected.
ORION
That doesn’t tell me shit, Illybrius
Falcon!
EVRYN
Want me to speed-dial the pot real
quick?
DÉSMODA
You have a dealer on speed-dial?
EVRYN
I meant the pot that calls the kettle
black.
ILLYBRIUS
I know. I’m sorry.
Ow! That was unnecessary!
ORION
She’s dead, isn’t she?
DREPANON
Obvs. Don't you watch at home?
ILLYBRIUS
Yes, but Blake promised to revive her
soul.
EPIPHANY
[Who's Blake?]
EVRYN
Dances with Character Shilling?
EPIPHANY
[Oh, him.]
[That bastard.]
ILLYBRIUS
Please, don’t tell Akuma.
EVRYN
What, that Blake doesn’t know who his
father is? But Corri already tells everyone what a slag her mum is, even though
it isn’t true.
OVD
Evryn! No foreshadowing!
EVRYN
I wasn’t! I’m just saying, Terri’s a
really cool lady and it’s not fair of her daughter to be such a lying
twatmonkey about her.
ILLYBRIUS
I was told to say nothing, to say
that we were on our honeymoon. I mean—don’t tell Corri. Shit.
EPIPHANY
[ It's okay, I get
those two confused sometimes, too.]
EVRYN
It’s easier to get rid of shit than
it is to get rid of Corri.
EPIPHANY
[ I meant confusing
Corri and Akuma.]
ILLYBRIUS
I’m sorry, but Larlia’s spell to heal
her from the lapis didn’t help.
ORION
It was for nothing. Everything I did…
EPIPHANY
[Stop whinging.]
[ I'm not sure if
you're whinging because you're ACTUALLY SAD that you failed to protect her or
because you weren't the one to kill her (your characterization is so
inconsistent on this point), but either way, it's annoying and I don't want to
hear it.]
ILLYBRIUS
She will be revived, Orion.
ORION
It doesn’t matter.
EPIPHANY
[You're right.
Nothing Illybrius does matters.]
ORION
The Gods abandon those in need.
EVRYN
THOR, GET YOUR ARSE BACK HERE!
SIGYN
*laughs sarcastically* Good luck with
that.
AHRRY
I AM NO-ONE'S ASS!
SERLEINA
Hey, wait a minute, then why are you
squatting in my home?!
AHRRY
Because you buy those delicious
dollar store Pop Tarts!
ORION
My prayers did nothing to help while
I was looking for her. IT MEANT NOTHING; SHE DIED ANYWAY!
EPIPHANY
[Hi. Welcome to
reality. The gods are not all-powerful, and can't please everyone.]
[Besides, who'd
bother saving her if she's getting brought back anyway?]
EVRYN
In my experience, the gods are as
powerful as they choose to be within their own domain, but none of the ones to
whom I've spoken much care for Akuma, except the crazy weed goddess.
SIGYN
Onion, you're a demon. Why would the
gods listen to you?
EVRYN
Yeah, that might be it. Neferbelii's
unlikely to discriminate on that ground, considering that she's a demon who
achieved goddess status. Somehow.
ILLYBRIUS
When she is, we’ll have to make sure
nothing of this sort happens again. Blake said he could revive her once, but
after that—after that, we’re on our own, and if she dies again, she’s fucked.
EVRYN
This is your Neighborhood Watch
Committee reminding everyone that necrophilia is still illegal!
ORION
I failed her.
ILLYBRIUS
So did I.
EPIPHANY
[Yay.]
ORION
How did she die?
EPIPHANY
[Well, she
distracted the healer who asked not to be distracted, and then Dances With
Character Shilling finished the job, and shilled her character posthumously.]
ILLYBRIUS
Orion, I wanted so badly to help her.
She died… protecting Maheone.
EPIPHANY
[Dun
dun DUNN!]
[. . .
or something like that.]
EVRYN
If Maheone were dead,
he'd be turning in his grave.
ORION
The one that took her.
ILLYBRIUS
Rulean stabbed her in the chest with
a blade that was incorporeal to everyone except Akuma.
EPIPHANY
[Then
how was he holding it?]
[Selective incorporeality is ridiculously finicky, by the way. An
embarrassing number of things (and people) have fallen into the center of the
Earth because of it being done wrong.]
EVRYN
Rulean was...er...also
incorporeal or some stupid shit like that?
EPIPHANY
[Oh.]
[And
how long is his contract for?]
OVD
The rest of this year.
EPIPHANY
[Damn.]
ILLYBRIUS
It damaged her soul.
ORION
Enzeru Death Blade…. You mean someone
had high level Enzeru magicek? I’ll kill them all if I have to.
EPIPHANY
[So now we're back
to wanting to kill Akuma and her family?]
EVRYN
Just her family, really, although
that should include Illybrius, who is her husband, and Onion himself, since
he's her brother and/or cousin.
ILLYBRIUS
Rulean. Rulean had the blade.
ORION
There is only one person I know who
knew that kind of magicek.
EPIPHANY
[
Illybrius might as well not be talking, huh?]
EVRYN
Also, what the hell is "magicek"?
ORION
Oh, it's a Dridarien
word. You wouldn't know it.
EPIPHANY
[HIPSTER!]
>enter CINNAMON
CINNAMON
Someone call for me?
ILLYBRIUS
He claims to be a childhood friend of
mine and Maheone’s, but… I just don’t remember him at all.
ORION
I don’t care.
EPIPHANY
[Finally, one of them ADMITS it for once.]
SIGYN
I think Corri also did
last month, in "Lucky". Illybrius was talking and Corri said, "I
don't care about that" twice.
ORION
He’s dead once I find him. I’ll be
back.
ILLYBRIUS
Orion, please don’t do anything that
will make you end up dead too. I—I don’t want to lose you along with her.
ORION
Akuma’s younger brother Dray was the
only person that could do Class 3 Soul Magicek.
EPIPHANY
[Suddenly, previously-unseen technobabble!]
EVRYN
At least he’s being original, if only
because no-one knows what the hell “magicek” is supposed to be.
ORION
If this guy can do it, that means he
knows Dray.
EVRYN
Biblically?
ORION
I need to find out how.
EVRYN
I just said how! “Biblically” is an
adverb! It answers “how”!
EPIPHANY
[Will
this interrogation be before or after you kill him?]
EVRYN
Living people tend to have better
diction than the dead.
EPIPHANY
[Usually.]
DRAKE
You can’t go anywhere. SIT! You are
too weak. And look! You are bleeding again, you prick!
EPIPHANY
[Oh,
hello. I take it Lee wasn't prescient enough to realise this was one of those
times where he was supposed to ignore Orion's wishes.]
EVRYN
I think Orion’s true wish is to have
attention called to how damaged his body is and that Drake is actually the one
fulfilling that wish, but there’s no way in hell Lee would be prescient enough
to realise that, either.
ORION
Stay out of this, Drake.
DRAKE
NO!
ILLYBRIUS
He’s infiltrated Cinnamon before. He’s
… strong. Strong enough to knock her out.
ORION
I will hurt you, Drake. Now let go.
DRAKE
NO! YOU NEED TO FEED!
ILLYBRIUS
Orion—Orion, please at least gather
strength before you go.
ORION
Fine. Since you are offering.
ILLYBRIUS holds Orion close
DRAKE
Get off, Illybrius. He wants it.
EPIPHANY, Spock eyebrow
[Wait,
what.]
EVRYN
He wants Illybrius to
get off on him?
EPIPHANY
[Oh!]
[ I
thought he meant "get off OF him".]
EVRYN
All he said was
"get off" and I just extrapolated from there.
OVD
On this show, you never
know.
FRED
Is this the part where I
hit the lights?
OVD
In a moment, Fred.
ILLYBRIUS
Oh! I’m starting to be dizzy—
DRAKE
Get going, Lee.
ORION
Protect yourself!
EPIPHANY
[Suddenly, PSA about proper condom use?]
EVRYN
Remember, people: Use
condoms, or you might end up with a little oops like Aksuema!
ILLYBRIUS
But—I—I want to be with him! I don’t
want to protect myself! I want to feed him!
EPIPHANY rolls eyes
[Just
get it over with, already!]
ORION
Fine. I’ll take what I can get. You…
Drake… it doesn’t matter.
ILLYBRIUS
Orion, I love you.
EVRYN takes a shot
ILLYBRIUS
Drake, piss off.
ORION
He’s out.
EPIPHANY
[And so am I.]
/agequit Epiphany
[LIGHTS
OUT and the following is heard]
WHITE TEXT
Illybrius sheds his clothes quickly and helps Orion out of his.
Orion throws Illybrius down to the floor and kisses him harshly.
(Orion)
Sorry, but I’m in no mood to be sweet.
(Illybrius)
I noticed.
(Serleina)
YOU SHOULD GET YOUR BLOOD SUGAR UP ANYWAY! NO ONE CARES HOW YOU
FEEL!
WHITE TEXT
Illybrius kisses Orion back eagerly.
(Orion)
Dry or lube?
(Serleina)
DRYER LUBE? WHO THE FUCK PUTS LUBE IN A DRYER?!
WHITE TEXT
Orion flips Illybrius over roughly and bites him on the back of the neck
harshly.
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