1. TITLE
The Anubis Episode
2.
SETTING
The Realm of the Dead
3.
Mon, Nov 10
2008 | 8:00 PM
4.
AKUMA
He was the Impare I remember as he held me. I... I...
5.
ILLYBRIUS holds
Akuma close.
6.
ILLYBRIUS
I know
7.
AKUMA
I'm sorry. When that guy came in, all I could think of... was keeping
the two of you safe.
8.
TOKIOMI, 😀
Okay, I believe you!
9.
EPIPHANY, 🙄
[She just wanted an excuse to be a martyr again.]
10.
ILLYBRIUS
I know.
11.
EPIPHANY
[See? Even ILLYBRIUS knows!]
12.
AKUMA
The God in charge of my care wants to speak to you. If you have the
time.
13.
ILLYBRIUS
Of course I do.
14.
AKUMA
Okay. He'll be here in a moment.
15.
[enter ANUBIS
(actually Drepanon, in Terra's armour.)]
16.
EPIPHANY looks
at script
17.
EPIPHANY looks
at Anubis.
18.
EPIPHANY
[ I thought Anubis was supposed to enter.]
19.
ANUBIS
I am to assume that you are her mate?
20.
ILLYBRIUS
I am.
21.
ANUBIS
Good. This will make things far easier.
22.
EPIPHANY
[How?]
23.
EVRYN
Well, you see, because he's her penis-having man husband, it'll be
easier for Anubis to team up with Illybrius to take away the sodden remnants of
Akuma's agency.
24.
DÉSMODA
Good thing Anubis isn't beholden to HIPAA!
25.
TOKIOMI
...and by "good", you mean "terrible", right?
26.
DÉSMODA, 😀
27.
TOKIOMI
RIGHT?!
28.
ANUBIS
Now that I know what I am looking at,
29.
REIYA
Illybrius's side girl?
30.
FAUS
EWWWWWWUh.
31.
REIYA,
defensively
The way Anubis phrased that makes it sound like he didn't know what he
was looking at before he confirmed that Illybrius was the husband!
32.
ANUBIS
her condition is worse than most.
33.
EPIPHANY
[What else is new?]
34.
EVRYN
By "condition", do you mean her face?
35.
ILLYBRIUS
How so?
36.
ANUBIS
The gemstone that was embedded in her heart not only drained her of her
strength, but also poisoned her magic. Her body is trying to purge her magic,
and that is only part of the problem.
37.
ILLYBRIUS
I supposed that much. What else?
38.
EPIPHANY
[Well, she's written by Corri.]
39.
EVRYN
And her face!
40.
REIYA
She has been written by Corri's face!
41.
EVRYN, proudly
Exactly!
42.
SEI-SEI,
offstage
Hey, Drepanon, don't bogart the— Huh? Where did Drepanon go?
43.
ANUBIS
The remaining pieces of the gem are not only poisoning her magic, but
also making it impossible for me to heal certain things.
44.
EPIPHANY
["Anubis", my man, since when do you heal
people? You're the guardian of the DEAD.]
45.
EVRYN
Apparently he owes her a favour of some kind because she's a Mary Sue
and everyone loves her
46.
NATE
Can we get the Anubis from The Sacrificial Princess and the King of
Beasts in here? I don't like this guy.
47.
EPIPHANY
[He would be berating Akuma for her stupidity in
this situation. I vote for it.]
48.
FAUS
Yes, I feel quite the same!
49.
ILLYBRIUS
Arche Regene. It's an ancient Drakoste spell. I believe Esme knows it.
50.
ANUBIS
Yes, a spell could remove it. However, it could also damage her magic
core further than it already is.
51.
EPIPHANY
[Why don't you just cut it out surgically? She's
already sort of dead.]
[You don't even need to use anaesthesia! She'd jump
at the chance to get that sweet, sweet pity!]
52.
EVRYN, 😀
And Amber Sweet is addicted to the knife!
53.
NATE
Yes, but she needs help with the agony, and Akuma revels in it because
she can get pity points.
54.
ILLYBRIUS
Of all the ones that come to mind, Arche Regene is the least likely to
damage her. Its name, in English, translates to Rain of Evers, also to Rain of
Life. It should dissolve and remove the remaining lapis.
55.
ANUBIS
You misunderstand the problem. Her magic is rejecting all the other
spells.
56.
EVRYN
So her magic is anti-magic?
57.
EPIPHANY
[No, her magic is bullshit.]
58.
FAUS
Anti-magic bullshit!
59.
EPIPHANY
[You can only solve it one way and it's the way
Corri has decided already.]
[Stop suggesting solutions to the problem.]
60.
DÉSMODA
I have a Solution for the Problem!
61.
SEBASTIAN
Nice.
62.
MARIE, 🙄
Of course you do, Désmoda, you're needlessly edgy all the time and were
just looking for a reason to talk about hitmen again.
63.
TRENT
I love that game!
64.
DÉSMODA
Who said anything about a middleman?
65.
MARIE sighs
aggressively
66.
ILLYBRIUS
I see. However, if the lapis is allowed to remain within her system...
67.
ANUBIS
If it remains, she cannot return to any world or plane that can be
offered.
68.
EVRYN
Say no more! We're keeping it in, boys!
69.
ANUBIS
Excuse you, you're not a penis-having man-husband. You don't get to make
that call.
70.
EVRYN
Aww.
71.
EPIPHANY
brandishes her scalpel
72.
DÉSMODA
Oh, and I'M the needlessly edgy one. OKAY.
73.
TRENT, 😀
Oh, that's just because Marie hates you!
74.
DÉSMODA
... okay, that's fair.
75.
ILLYBRIUS
There should be something... something that can act as a relaxant to her
magic, that will let the spell work...
76.
AHRRY
If the problem is that the lapis is in Akuma's blood, then why not
perform a bloodletting? Or hell, why not a transfusion? You can't purify the
magic— or her soul— as long as the source of the poison remains. Also, if the
body rejects the poisoned core, and all spells have failed to affect the core,
then why not focus efforts on altering the body to tolerate the altered
magic?
77.
SERLEINA
DING-DONG!
78.
AHRRY
Wut?
79.
SERLEINA
YOU'RE WRONG!
80.
SIGYN
Yeah, that was complete bullshit—
81.
REIYA
Oh, I get the doorbell thing now.
82.
SIGYN
—so why wasn't it erased in pre-prod?
83.
REIYA
How is it bullshit?
84.
SIGYN
Well, if you got bitten by a snake, would pouring all your blood out do
the trick?
85.
SERLEINA
WELL, THERE'S ONLY ONE WAY
TO FIND OUT!
86.
EUGENIE
Serleina, are you trying to get your visitor's pass revoked?
87.
SERLEINA
Well, I mean, if Drepanon
can all of a sudden pass himself off as Anubis, I don't see why I would get in
trouble for bloodletting the Audience.
88.
SIGYN
Wait, that's Drepanon? Hm. He's a bit chubby for the armour, inne?
89.
EVRYN
To be fair, it's really fucking cheap armour.
90.
ANUBIS, through
gritted teeth
Time here passes differently. She spent her first five years here in a
coma due to the poisoning.
91.
EPIPHANY
[The Anubis I know pays better attention to what
people are talking about.]
92.
ANUBIS
—!
93.
EVRYN
That's because this isn't the real Anubis. It's his little-known twin
brother, an00b15.
94.
EPIPHANY
[Your ability to pronounce L337 impresses me.]
95.
EVRYN
I've had practice. Also, my sister and I are producing a record called
"3LEET357". It's based on this one demon's shitty emo poetry.
96.
ILLYBRIUS
I realize that. However, the fact that time passes differently there
should not prevent you from finding that relaxant;
97.
EPIPHANY
[Your logic has no place here.]
98.
ILLYBRIUS, Ignoring That
though admittedly, it would help if I could remember its name.
99.
ANUBIS AN00B15
Please don't think me lax in this matter. As one God to another, you
must understand that even we are not perfect.
100.
TRENT
...is that blasphemy?
101.
SEBASTIAN
I can't tell, either.
102.
AN00B15
I am helping her to the best of my ability.
103.
EPIPHANY
[Bullshit!]
[You are literally just here to deliver the Corri
crisis and railroad Illybrius into whatever stupid thing she wants him to do
tonight!]
[Like Onion and Dural before him!]
104.
EVRYN
Who the fuck is— ohhh, right. I vaguely remember him.
105.
SIGYN
What about Vaan?
106.
SERLEINA
YOU FUCKING WOULD ASK ABOUT HIM!
107.
EPIPHANY
[I was trying to forget about him.]
108.
SEBASTIAN
I liked his tutu.
109.
MARIE
The tutu was nice.
110.
AN00B15
However,
111.
EUGENIE
Shame corner, young man!
112.
AN00B15, in the
However Shame Corner
this is taking longer than what we could have hoped for, and in doing
so, it also makes the chances of her soul remaining rather high.
113.
ILLYBRIUS
Maheone ought to be able to help some. He's rather proficient with soul
magic. I'm a good healer, but currently I am so low on power that I do not know
how to channel what I have left.
114.
SEBASTIAN
Wow, that must really suck for you.
115.
EPIPHANY
[Poor Illybrius thinks he's a participant in this
conversation.]
116.
AN00B15
You used your power for her?
117.
ILLYBRIUS
Yes.
118.
AN00B15
Please tell me how you used your power. It might help me in healing her.
119.
ILLYBRIUS
Actually, I gave up approximately half of my own soul a few months ago
to be here, on Earth with my conduit as she ages past what would previously
have been my limit. More recently, Miss Akuma was involved in a battle with a
demon named Orion, and I forced her to tap into the remaining of my power that
she... would survive.
120.
AN00B15
I see. So yours is the energy I sense.
121.
ILLYBRIUS
I would assume so.
122.
AN00B15
Well, I will continue to try to help her, but I must warn you that in
three more days, if I can't fix her, she will have to stay. (pleasegodno)
123.
ILLYBRIUS
I trust you to do your utmost.
124.
EPIPHANY
[This is the one thing I trust this guy about:
Wanting to get Akuma off of his hands as fast as possible.]
125.
EVRYN
And nobody can blame him.
126.
XALDIN
[Incorrect. We also cannot blame him.]
127.
AN00B15
I am Anubis. I refuse to do anything less than my best.
128.
EPIPHANY
[That's probably still not very good.]
129.
[exit AN00B15]
130.
AKUMA
a.
Lee?
b.
*pause* Irubura?
131.
DREPANON, offstage
Please don't.
132.
[enter RULEAN]
133.
RULEAN
Don't worry your pretty little head about him. He'll be fine,
eventually.
134.
EVRYN
Who, Ra?
135.
AKUMA
You. What do you want with Lee?
136.
RULEAN
Nothing at the moment. It's rather entertaining to watch his husband
break his black little heart.
137.
TRENT
...Why?
138.
AKUMA
It would break Lee if you hurt him.
139.
RULEAN
Don't you see: I'm not the one hurting. I'm just watching Orion break
Illybrius's heart... break it until there's nothing left and someone else is
forced to take over.
140.
MARIE
That is some Corri Villain-level monologuing.
141.
DÉSMODA , 😀
Thank you! That's probably the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
142.
AKUMA
Bastard. If I wasn't stuck here...
143.
RULEAN
But you are.
144.
AKUMA
No thanks to you.
145.
OREGANO
🎵You are coping,
coping and seething🎵
146.
RULEAN
Now, now.
147.
AKUMA
Leave them alone!
148.
MARIE
Akuma likes the Cope-a-Cabana?
149.
RULEAN
I am.
150.
AKUMA
So now you... need a new playmate. Is that it?
151.
TRENT
You guys are gonna play Scrabble?!
152.
RULEAN
No.
153.
TRENT
Apples and Oranges?
154.
AKUMA
I don't understand.
155.
TRENT
Well, it's this game where—
156.
RULEAN
I don't care.
157.
TRENT, 😢
Oh, okay.
158.
AKUMA
I do.
159.
EPIPHANY
[ I don't.]
160.
EVRYN
I neither understand nor care.
161.
RULEAN
Bored now.
162.
TRENT
You guys are mean!
163.
AKUMA
You poor thing.
164.
TRENT
*sniffles* Thank you. At least someone cares.
165.
[exit RULEAN;
enter USAGI]
166.
USAGI
Akuma, it's Usagi. Rulean's gone.
167.
SIGYN
We know. We were reading the slides. Also, wow, Akuma really doesn't
know how to negotiate with a demon who has no interest in her body.
168.
DREPANON
...
169.
EVRYN
Snack Table, you're oddly silent. For once.
170.
DREPANON
I am not interested in her body.
171.
EVRYN
Yeah, well, when she was training with you or whatever, did she attempt
to throw hers—
172.
DREPANON
More than the Audience.
173.
EVRYN
... Oh. Well, firstly, I am so very, very sorry, from the bottom of the
sucking black void where my heart should be. Secondly, it's kind of like
Akuma's, like, a Reverse Nice Guy. Like, she thinks if she puts enough Begging
Tokens into a demon, rape will fall out.
174.
MARIE
That's how Corri would like it to work!
175.
SIGYN
Tch. That's what the invention of—
176.
DREPANON
I will pay you to stop talking.
177.
SIGYN
Good. Pay me in sex.
178.
EPIPHANY
[Pay ME in money.]
179.
SIGYN ponies
up.
180.
DREPANON also
ponies up (!!!)
181.
DREPANON
Well, you're not as hard on the eyes as Akuma. I suppose.
182.
AKUMA
...
183.
TRENT
Wow. I'm regretting being volunteered for this.
184.
AKUMA
Trent, what?
185.
TRENT
Hey, in my defence, I was told there would be snacks!
186.
OVD
Akuma, it's your line.
187.
AKUMA
I don't wanna.
188.
OVD
Okay, then we can just revoke your visitor's pass and leave you here,
all alone, with only the echo of your own whiny voice to keep you company.
189.
AKUMA, quickly!
Thank the Goddesses. Are you okay?
190.
USAGI
Yeah, but you're not.
191.
AKUMA
No. I... died.
192.
EPIPHANY
[Will you be coming to the ZA meeting this week?
Please say no.]
193.
EVRYN
It'd make her feel too safe. Some zombies eat brains. She has none.
194.
USAGI
Yeah, I know.
195.
EPIPHANY, 😠
[Evryn, you don't have Z-word privileges.]
196.
EVRYN
I don't really believe in those, to be perfectly frank.
197.
AKUMA, OOC
Yeah, you don't want to hear the kinds of things she says about Meta
behind his back.
198.
AKUMA
But you are okay, right?
199.
USAGI
I said I was.
200.
AKUMA
Yeah, but.... You were in bad shape.
201.
USAGI
Look, I got permission from Neferbelii to break Purity because you need
the topaz.
202.
EPIPHANY
[First lapis, now topaz. What semiprecious stone
will be next? Turquoise?]
203.
FAUS
No, she's at the gym.
204.
USAGI
Obviously, though, I can't bring it to you.
205.
AKUMA
No, but Blake can.
206.
USAGI
Good. Send Blake to Peruru, and hopefully he can help me break down
pieces of Purity for you.
207.
EPIPHANY
[Why can't you just go to the rock store?]
208.
USAGI
Because I always end up overspending and they don't accept lettuce as a
currency.
209.
AKUMA
Blake is a lost soul. If you can leave the pieces out, he can bring them
here.
210.
USAGI
Leave the pieces out where?
211.
AKUMA
On a rock behind the Bleeding Glass Palace. He knows where that is.
212.
EPIPHANY
[Glass doesn't bleed. You should stop touching
sharp things.]
[Actually, keep touching sharp things.]
213.
USAGI
Will do.
214.
EVRYN
Also, Dark Red Precious Stone Palace was too long a name.
215.
AKUMA
Good. I can't stay much longer. I... take care of him for me?
216.
USAGI
Fuck no. I'll take care of him because he's my master and I love him.
217.
EVRYN takes a
shot
218.
AKUMA
Then I'll be happy. Give him a kiss for me, please?
219.
USAGI 😀
Sure thing. Any excuse to kiss him.
220.
AKUMA
Go. Give him my love and lots of kisses, okay?
221.
USAGI
Heh, sure thing. You get better.
222.
AKUMA
Promise.
223.
TRENT
But does an00b15 promise?
224.
EVRYN
Dunno, I was sober when he was talking.
225.
AKUMA
You need to show me around, remember?
226.
USAGI
Yea.
227.
AKUMA
Bye
228.
USAGI
Bye.
229.
[exit USAGI,
DREPANON, SIGYN]
230.
SERLEINA
RELIEF-QUIT SERLEINA!
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