1. TITLE
Akuma and Illybrius Complete Their Bond
2.
11/07/2008
| 7:00 PM | Akuma’s room
3.
CINNAMON
Then I’ll butt in: He loves you, even though
it doesn’t seem that way.
What would make it seem that way?
4.
AKUMA
Then let me put it this way.
Illybrius is married.
5.
CUE MUSIC:
Funeral March
6.
SIGYN
Funny, Serleina.
7.
SERLEINA
I thought so.
8.
AKUMA
He made his choice. I must abide by
it.
9.
EVRYN
You really get off on letting people
control you, don’t you?
10.
EPIPHANY
reads; FLUOU holds her sign
[Remember,
in Corri's book, slavery is both sexy and glamourous]
11.
EVRYN
I'd like to see her survive one day
as my family's slave. On second thought, she'd just bungle everything.
12.
EUGENIE
We don't have slaves, dear. We have
house elves. There is a distinction, you know.
13.
AKUMA
I have my own mistress for now, until
I lose everything.
14.
EVRYN
Is it okay with your husband that you
have a mistress?
15.
REIYA
Wait, Akuma's married?
16.
EVRYN
I thought she and Illybrius were
married?
17.
REIYA
No, that's him and Onion.
18.
EVRYN
No, I mean before that.
19.
OVD
If they got married, it was entirely off-screen and
therefore irrelevant.
20.
AKUMA
I told Usagi that even though I will
always love Illybrius, he now has someone that can give him what he wants.
21.
EVRYN
Demon dick? You can literally get
that anywhere.
22.
DREPANON
Gee.
23.
EVRYN
Better yet, just go out and buy a
strap-on so you don't have to deal with the man attached to the penis.
24.
AKUMA
I refuse to interfere. I can never
have him.
25.
SIGYN
Not with that attitude, you can’t.
26.
EPIPHANY
turns page; FLUOU holds her sign:
[
Is she done whining yet?]
27.
EVRYN
Epi, this is Akuma we're talking
about. Is she ever done whining?
28.
EPIPHANY
reads; FLUOU holds her sign
[A
girl can hope, right?]
29.
EVRYN
How did you know I was going to say
that?
30.
FLUOU,
in his own handwriting
[Contingency
signs.]
[Also,
rehearsal.]
31.
EVRYN
I don't rehearse.
32.
FLUOU,
in his own handwriting
[That
explains a lot.]
33.
CINNAMON
Yes, Illybrius is married, but he’s also been married a few times
previously without it having affected how he felt about the others he loved.
34.
EVRYN
Like that time he had an affair with
his second wife’s brother.
35.
CINNAMON
They were all marriages of
convenience, or arranged marriages, in one case. Just because he chose to marry
Orion doesn’t mean he feels
any lesser about you.
36.
EPIPHANY
reads; FLUOU holds her sign
[Seriously.
Marriage doesn't mean much when it's political.]
37.
SIGYN
That's horrifying.
38.
ILLYBRIUS
This is an uncomfortable repeat of
six thousand years ago.
39.
EPIPHANY
reads; FLUOU holds her sign
[That's
because Akuma never learns.]
40.
ILLYBRIUS
I meant for me.
41.
EVRYN
Well, you never learn either.
42.
ILLYBRIUS
Apparently not.
43.
AKUMA
I, as Akuma, was not strong enough to
continue on when Illybrius asked Orion to marry him. I was right there and all
I could do was break. It hurt, knowing that a demon, my enemy, married
the last man I will ever love.
44.
EPIPHANY
reads; FLUOU holds her sign
[Translation:
BAWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW]
45.
SIGYN
I was just about to say.
46.
CINNAMON
Quite honestly, I think that marriage
benefits Orion more than it will benefit Illybrius. Orion now has a constant
bedmate and doesn’t have to subsist off the odd rape.
47.
EPIPHANY
reads; FLUOU holds her sign
[Now
it's just the regular rape]
48.
EVRYN
Yes, but at least it's predictable.
49.
CINNAMON
However, Illybrius’s infatuation… I went through something similar a
year or so ago.
50.
EVRYN
And the year before that, and the
year before that, and the year before that—
51.
CINNAMON
It faded, and I realised who I really
loved.
52.
EVRYN
Your 7-Wonder Bullet Assortment?
53.
CINNAMON
Illybrius already knows he loves you,
even if he doesn’t act like it half the time. All you have to do is wait for his
infatuation with Orion to fade, which it will. And quite honestly, you don’t even have to wait—we’ve all told you Illybrius won’t turn you away if you want him. And
you… do want him,
right? Answer directly—I don’t want to hear anything about rules or morals or any of that.
54.
AKUMA
You want the truth from me and
nothing less, right?
55.
EPIPHANY
reads; FLUOU holds her sign
[ I know, right?]
[
It's ridiculous to ask something like that from you.]
56.
EVRYN
Let me guess. Contingency signs for
any situation?
57.
JEPH
[More or
less.]
58.
CINNAMON
The truth, the whole truth, and
nothing but the truth.
59.
EVRYN
You know she’s mentally adding “and then some,” right?
60.
AKUMA
The truth is that I love and respect
Illybrius enough that I am more than willing to let him have Orion and not
stand in his way. I know Orion needs a constant bedmate and I could handle
that. However, I could not handle him wanting to just get me out of the way so
that they could fuck.
61.
EVRYN
You mean you want to watch?
62.
EPIPHANY
reads; FLUOU holds her sign
[
I wouldn't be surprised]
63.
EVRYN
On second thought, neither would I
64.
AKUMA
When I knew that Illybrius loved
Orion, I knew I could never compete—
65.
EVRYN
Funny, I never heard him ask you to.
66.
AKUMA
—so I sat back and said nothing, but
my bond with Illybrius didn’t agree. I started losing control of everything.
67.
CUE MUSIC: Don’t
You Like the Control by Under the Influence of Giants
68.
EPIPHANY
reads; FLUOU holds her sign
[Translation:
BAWWWWWWW I CAN'T DO ANYTHING ON MY OWN LOOK UPON MY UGLY AND INEFFECTUAL
VISAGE AND TAKE PITY BAWWWW PITYYYYY MEEEEEEEEEE BAWWWWWWWWWWWW]
69.
AKUMA
I am setting things on fire and
making things explode because—
70.
EVRYN
You’re a pyromaniac.
71.
AKUMA
—the power he gave me is out of
control.
72.
EPIPHANY
[Conveniently
making all that property damage you caused magically not your fault.]
73.
SIGYN
Let's see if the district attorney
sees it that way.
74.
MARIE
It's also possible that she's doing
it because destroying glassware gives her control over something in her life,
however small.
75.
EVRYN
Tits on toast, just become a bulimic
like a regular person.
76.
LENA
EVRYN.
77.
EVRYN
LENA.
78.
AKUMA
So I went looking for someone to help
control it. My bond with Mistress Pumpkin is helping, just not very well—
79.
EVRYN
That's because she doesn't give a
shit about your control issues and it isn't *her* property, so she isn't going
to order you not to destroy it.
80.
AKUMA
—so now I am using whatever I can to
keep my magic from killing anyone.
81.
EPIPHANY
reads; FLUOU holds her signs
[Translation: BE GRATEFUL THAT I'M SO SELF-SACRIFICING THAT I'M
NOT KILLING EVERYONE AROUND ME OUT OF HAND.]
[OVERLOOK THE FACT THAT I'M STILL RECKLESSLY ENDANGERING
EVERYONE AROUND ME BY BEING HERE]
[THERE IS NO-ONE TO PITY ME IN THE MOUNTAINS]
[EXCEPT
MAYBE SOME GOATS]
82.
SEI-SEI
No, I don't pity her either, and I
don't think my four-hoofed brethren would. They just don't care.
83.
EVRYN
She so deserves to get goatsed.
84.
EPIPHANY
reads; FLUOU holds her sign
[ I dunno. She's already got a pretty good view of the inside of
her own anus.]
[
I can't imagine that the inside of another would be too surprising.]
85.
EVRYN
I can totally see Akuma as a
proctologist. It's the closest to arousing a man she'll ever get.
86.
EPIPHANY
reads; FLUOU holds her sign
[Did you hear that, Weeaboo?]
[You
just go burned.]
87.
AKUMA
*sobs* You are so MEAN! Even now, I
am willing to let Illybrius stay with Orion, only to keep them both happy. Illybrius’s happiness is all that matters to me
now. My comforts mean nothing. There. The truth you seek.
88.
EPIPHANY
reads; FLUOU holds her sign
[Translation:
DON'T YOU SEE HOW WONDERFUL AND POINTLESSLY SELF-SACRIFICING I AM? PITYYYYYYY
MEEEEEEEEE! BAWWWWWWWWWWW]
89.
SIGYN
What a fucking weenie. No wonder
Epiphany mistook her for a prop in the pilot.
90.
CINNAMON
Oh boy. Well, thanks for your
honesty.
91.
FLUOU
[Translation:
Take your pity-seeking wangst and shove it up your ass, sideways.]
92.
CINNAMON
But he loves you and he—I’m going to let him tell you.
93.
FLUOU
[Translation:
Fuck this, my presence here is pointless.]
94.
SIGYN
Yeah, but why would she let that stop
her? I never let that stop me.
95.
DREPANON
We are all fully aware of that.
96.
SIGYN
Mean. But at least I never get
mistaken for a prop.
97.
AKUMA
Thank you. I refuse to hear anything
if it is only a relay message.
98.
FLUOU
[Translation:
Bawww, you’re hogging my favourite pawn’s precious screen time!]
99.
MARIE
Akuma, you don't show Illybrius that
same respect, so whatever.
100.
ILLYBRIUS
I did not know. I had no idea that
you felt so strongly. I should have known, of course I should have! I
hate that you feel you have to just sit back and— you don’t! You absolutely don’t have to take the back seat to
anybody!
101.
EVRYN
But he’d appreciate it if you’d plunge into his back seat once in a
while, if you know what I mean.
102.
ILLYBRIUS
I love you.
103.
EVRYN takes a shot
104.
EVRYN
You mean Akuma, right?
105.
ILLYBRIUS
The fuck, dude? Of course, AKUMA. I
meant for you, UH-KOO-MUHH—
106.
AKUMA
You finally learned how to properly
pronounce my name! Oh, Kibito, I'm so happy!
107.
EVRYN
Happy enough to learn how to
pronounce "koibito"?
108.
AKUMA
Let's not get ahead of ourselves.
109.
ILLYBRIUS
—to keep Fjoreone; it was a gift from
my heart and when you returned it, it was as though you’d given up on life completely, which
seems to be the case.
110.
AKUMA
I did give up. You broke me that
night.
111.
EVRYN
Blame, blame, it’s so much fun to blame!
112.
EPIPHANY
[
If she reaches any harder she might turn into a toothbrush.]
113.
EVRYN
Wait, what's she reaching for?
114.
EPIPHANY
[More opportunity to rehash how much Illybrius should feel
guilty and pity her.]
[She's
like a broken record.]
115.
EVRYN
You think she's bad? Wait till a few
episodes when you meet—
116.
OVD
No spoilers!
117.
ILLYBRIUS
You should know, always remember,
that I am capable of loving several people at once, equally. I would never
truly wish to choose between… anybody.
118.
MARIE
He's just that indecisive.
119.
SIGYN
Mood.
120.
AKUMA
I know that.
121.
EVRYN
Could have fooled the hell out of me.
Why aren't you more poly-positive if you're aware of that?
122.
SIGYN
To be entirely fair, that kind of
lifestyle isn't for everybody.
123.
EPIPHANY
[See
what I mean about how Akuma was reaching?]
124.
EVRYN
She should reach for a noose and hang
herself.
125.
LENA
EVRYN.
126.
EVRYN
LENA.
127.
AKUMA
However, you have only truly shown
that you care for me twice.
128.
EVRYN
AT LEAST HE SHOWED IT, YOU DEMANDING
LITTLE SCABY!
129.
EPIPHANY
[That's really manipulative of her, putting it like that.]
[Just
how far does he have to go to ~really~ show that he ~truly~ cares enough for it
to count?]
130.
EVRYN
She's a bottomless fucking pit and
nothing will ever be enough!
131.
ILLYBRIUS
You know, in Tree Culture, this is
considered a dick move.
132.
ILLYBRIUS and SIGYN high-five
133.
AKUMA
Once when you tried to give me a
child and then the night when you held me.
134.
REIYA
So Evryn meant that literally, then.
135.
AKUMA
How was I supposed to know that I wasn’t only there to be someone you could
sweet-talk?
136.
EVRYN
Because if he just wanted something
to sweet-talk, he’d get a REAL cat and not a tiger-furry?
137.
MARIE
a) What is it with Team Corri and
automatically assuming that that everyone is only out to exploit them?
b) That could be an interesting
character flaw, if it was done properly.
c)
Too
bad Corri's allergic to the concept of character flaws.
138.
CORRI
DID SOMEBODY SAY "CHARACTER
FLAW"? IT BURRRRNNNNNS!
139.
SIGYN
Meanwhile, I wish Tokiomi had that
problem. He's got the opposite of that problem.
140.
ILLYBRIUS
There was another time. The day you
kept regressing. I spoke to one of Cinnamon’s old contacts to find a spell to get your wings back.
141.
AKUMA
Right. I seem to keep forgetting that
I have them again.
142.
EVRYN
Because of course, if it’s something nice he’s doing for you, you’re going to forget it in favour of
having things about which to angst.
143.
AKUMA
I will be forever in your debt for
that.
144.
ILLYBRIUS
I’m not an ass-kisser.
145.
AHRRY
Thank God.
146.
EVRYN
Wait, didn't you tongue Onion's arse?
147.
EPIPHANY
[THAT'S
UNSANITARY!]
148.
SIGYN
Be glad you weren't actually in the
room.
149.
SERLEINA
That's why we were all singing.
150.
DREPANON
Is *that* what you call it?
151.
ILLYBRIUS
I don’t sweet-talk anybody unless I really
care for them—
152.
EVRYN
Or need something from them.
153.
ILLYBRIUS
—with the exception of Jonathan, and
that was only to get the spell.
154.
AKUMA
When you asked Orion to marry you, my
only thought was to run away and never come back.
155.
EVRYN
So why didn’t you?
156.
EPIPHANY
[Because
if she went away she wouldn't be around to hear people pitying her for it]
157.
AKUMA
Nothing mattered anymore. I was
thinking about running to Celestia.
158.
EVRYN
So you were thinking of running away
from here, because you couldn’t stand the thought of your One True Love™ marrying someone else… but you wanted to run to his
homeland? Sorry,
what?
159.
REIYA
She wants to claim it for her own and
Sue it up
160.
EVRYN
Dude... no. It's already Sue-ish
enough. It's like the Sparklypoo of other realms.
161.
REIYA
If she ever went there, she'd
probably cause a singularity of Sueage that would cause all of Celestia to implode.
A Suengularity, if you will.
162.
EUGENIE
Shame Corner.
163.
EVRYN
I thought it was funny.
164.
REIYA
is now standing next to Marie's house.
165.
ILLYBRIUS
I don’t ever want you—
166.
EVRYN
In Celestia, because you’d taint the entire galaxy
irreparably!
167.
ILLYBRIUS
—to feel that you have to compete
with anybody! I would never—NEVER— ask that of anybody I love!
168.
AKUMA
I want to believe you.
169.
EVRYN
No you don’t.
170.
AKUMA
But my soul can’t take any more pain. I don’t want to cry myself to sleep
anymore.
171.
EPIPHANY
[Translation:
BAWWWWWWW STOP TRYING TO TAKE AWAY MY EXCUSE TO ANGST AT YOU BAWWWWWWWW]
172.
ILLYBRIUS
Then tell me what motivation I would
have for lying.
173.
AKUMA
I don’t know. I don’t know anything anymore.
174.
EVRYN
Oh, like you ever did.
175.
EPIPHANY
[She's
just upset that he's poking holes in her excuses.]
176.
EVRYN
Maybe she should stop making excuses
and talk straight?
177.
EPIPHANY
[We're talking about AKUMA here.]
[You
got to set your expectations a bit lower.]
178.
EVRYN
My expectations ARE low, but I still
have standards.
179.
EPIPHANY
[Then you are going to continue to be disappointed by what
happens in this show.]
[.
. . Okay, so am I.]
180.
EVRYN
Don't worry. Soon you'll stop being
surprised and therefore disappointed at anything. You'll just be completely
dead inside. Figuratively speaking.
181.
ILLYBRIUS
I am so tired of everybody feeling as
though they’re not good
enough for this or that.
182.
EVRYN
Although lately, their low
self-esteem is just good common sense.
183.
ILLYBRIUS
Everybody I talk to lately has an
inferiority complex, and it’s frustrating. You deserve everything wonderful that
this shithole of a world has to offer, everything fabulous held in any other
world. Every day, it seems I am trying to convince somebody how splendid they
are, and it… somehow, nobody
seems to believe me. Why would I lie about something like that? I would never
try to make somebody feel better about themselves unless I was certain they
ought to.
184.
EPIPHANY
[Translation:
I am fucking sick of your pity orgy. Stop it.]
185.
AKUMA
Illybrius, forgive me for offending
you—
186.
EVRYN
With my vapid, boring existence.
187.
AKUMA
—but I have had nothing but pain and
betrayal all my life. Then, the one time I find something worth it, I got
shoved aside and found out that I was nothing more than a twisted version of a
pet—
188.
EPIPHANY
zaps Akuma
[STOP WHINING]
[
I HATE YOUR VOICE]
189.
EVRYN
And I hate your face!
190.
EVRYN
zaps Akuma
191.
AKUMA
—for the same man that will be the
last man I ever love. Forgive me for waiting for the rest of the world to give
me a kick while I’m down because the moment when I needed you the most, you weren’t there.
192.
EVRYN
It is not his responsibility to make
you happy. Get off your fat ass and do it yourself.
193.
ILLYBRIUS
YOU WERE NOT A PET!
194.
EPIPHANY
notably DOESN'T zap Illybrius
[
I am all in favour of getting her to stop whining]
195.
AKUMA
I want to be with you. I never want
to leave your side. I want you to hold me.
196.
EPIPHANY
starts advancing on Akuma, holding a sign over her head
[SHUT
UP ALREADY]
197.
AKUMA retreats
198.
EPIPHANY chases AKUMA, waving sign,
indefinitely
199.
AKUMA
(being chased by Epiphany wielding a sign)
I want so many things, but I am so
afraid to ask for them—
200.
EVRYN
But apparently, you have no problem
demanding them.
201.
AKUMA
—because I don’t want to be rejected.
202.
EVRYN
Dude. I got turned down for over 200
jobs before I got offered this one. We ALL face rejection. Deal with it.
203.
SIGYN
Okay, but to be fair, being rejected
asking for something from someone you love is somewhat more unpleasant than
being turned down for a job.
204.
ILLYBRIUS
Listen to me, Enzeru: I don’t care what the fuck Maheone made you
for or whatever he did—
205.
EVRYN
He and Akuma had NEVER ACTUALLY MET
before casting for this show began.
206.
ILLYBRIUS
—but you were never a pet in my eyes.
207.
EVRYN
Yes, you were so much less.
208.
ILLYBRIUS
I always considered you a miracle.
209.
EVRYN
Protip: Cooler water and Neferbelii’s weed do NOT go together. Do NOT put
the Razzlewater in your bong. Unless you're Drepanon, in which case it's
hilarious.
210.
SIGYN, anger marks and Santa Claus Scowl
211.
ILLYBRIUS
A lady—
212.
EVRYN
That’s a laugh.
213.
ILLYBRIUS
—a warrior—
214.
EVRYN
An even bigger laugh.
215.
ILLYBRIUS
—a complex being—
216.
EVRYN
Really, because she looks like a
spore to me.
217.
EPIPHANY
stops
[Are you kidding?]
[Spores look AWESOME]
[ I think she's more akin to methicillin-resistant
Staphylococcus aureus]
[Boring,
near-impossible to get rid of, and comes in bunches]
218.
EVRYN
Well, whether she's a fungus or
bacteria, she still ruins everything.
219.
EPIPHANY
[Agreed.]
220.
ILLYBRIUS
—complex but unutterably wonderful—
221.
EVRYN puts hands over ears, shakes head
222.
EVRYN
Make it go away!
223.
EPIPHANY
[HE'S BEEN INFECTED]
[EVERYONE
PUT ON YOUR HAZMAT SUITS]
224.
ILLYBRIUS
—and I would never reject you.
225.
EVRYN
Just wait.
226.
ILLYBRIUS
I just realised that I did, and I am
truly regretful of it. It will not happen again.
227.
EVRYN
Taking bets— over/under two weeks?
228.
EPIPHANY
[Does it count if he's rejecting her organs?]
[Because
if it does, two hundred on under.]
229.
EVRYN
If by "organs" you mean
"vagina," then yes.
230.
EPIPHANY
[ I was thinking more along the lines of her liver.]
[You
see, I know a surgeon who]
231.
OVD
Epiphany, you may not arrange for your coworkers' organs to
be transplanted.
232.
EPIPHANY
[Dammit.]
233.
EVRYN
takes out cell phone
Hello, GeneCo? I'd like to cancel an
appointment.
234.
AKUMA
I hope it doesn’t, because if it does, there won’t be enough of me left to save next
time around.
235.
EVRYN
Do it, do it, do it!
236.
EPIPHANY
[DO
IT NOW]
237.
ILLYBRIUS
I am, finally, aware. I love you.
238.
EVRYN takes a shot
239.
ILLYBRIUS
I love you—
240.
EVRYN takes a shot
241.
ILLYBRIUS
—and I love you just as much as I
love everybody else.
242.
EVRYN takes a shot
243.
EVRYN
Because all women love to be lumped
in with everybody else.
244.
a)
ILLYBRIUS
Bastion, Usagi, and
Orion.
b) SERLEINA
EMO ROLL CALL!
c) ILLYBRIUS
You four mean more to me than
anything. I would never give one of you up for another.
245.
AKUMA
I am willing to give you another
chance, because if you screw up—
246.
EVRYN
Oh sure, put all the burden on him,
you manipulative little toadstool.
247.
EPIPHANY
[ I think she's implying that he screwed up just now by saying
that he ONLY loves her as much as he loves those other three.]
[So
he's on strike two. One more and he probably won't be out because if she
actually left him for someone else she wouldn't have anything to whine about]
248.
ILLYBRIUS
Liri daiye krya. Love before life.
Again, if I screw up again. Well, I should like to know what I can do to
prevent screwing up again.
249.
EVRYN
She’s going to be on the hunt for flaws,
so the easiest solution would be to kill yourself now.
250.
AKUMA
I want to try with you.
251.
FLUOU
[Translation:
She wants you to help her form babby.]
252.
EPIPHANY
[Because,
by her standards, you don't REALLY care about someone unless you try to form
babby with them]
253.
EVRYN
So... lesbians and gay men don't REALLY
care about each other from Akuma's standards?
254.
EPIPHANY
[
I would not be surprised.]
255.
ILLYBRIUS
I am inexpressibly happy that you
would even consider giving me another chance. What can I do to make my feelings
for you more clear?
256.
AKUMA
What I want, you are not ready for.
257.
EVRYN
Then don’t bring it up.
258.
EPIPHANY
[Or
at the very damn least make up your mind.]
259.
ILLYBRIUS
Let me be the judge of that, please.
260.
AKUMA
Well, if you remember, two days ago,
you promised my brother that you would complete your bond with me, but broke
that promise and spent the night with Orion instead. I figured it just meant
you were not ready.
261.
EPIPHANY
[Or
it could just be that you're creepy as fuck anyway, and Orion has date rape
pheromones.]
262.
ILLYBRIUS
Oh. Shit.
263.
AKUMA
Now you remember.
264.
EVRYN
How did he forget about the date rape
pheromones?!
265.
EPIPHANY
[He
probably forgot about the date rape pheromones because of the date rape
pheromones.]
266.
EVRYN
...Wait, what?
267.
EPIPHANY
[You
know how Rohypnol works?]
268.
EVRYN
looks sad
Not firsthand.
269.
SIGYN raises her hand
270.
EPIPHANY
[. . .]
271.
ILLYBRIUS
There is no tactful way to put this,
so—
272.
CUE
MUSIC: U-G-L-Y by Daphne and Celeste
273.
ILLYBRIUS
Yes, I had forgotten my promise.
274.
AKUMA
I know. Orion was rather upset by it—
275.
EVRYN
Why? He got a bedmate out of it, didn’t he?
276.
REIYA
Yeah, shouldn't that particular demon
be the epitome of "Doesn't Matter, Had Sex?"
277.
EPIPHANY
[Do
you really expect the Corri Sock Hive Mind to keep track of who's pretending to
feel what?]
278.
EVRYN
Journals! How do they work?
279.
REIYA
Maybe he got left in the dryer.
280.
AKUMA
—while my brother was downright
furious. However, I figured that if in ten more days, the day of Corri’s 22nd fall—
281.
EVRYN
What does that have to do with
anything?
282.
EPIPHANY
[Apparently she falls down stairs a lot. We should feel sorry
for her.]
[Too
bad she'd have better luck wringing orange juice from a stone than pity from my
cold, dead heart]
283.
a)
EVRYN
She meant Corri's
birthday.
b) EPIPHANY
[New rule: Given that a Big Deal is made over Akuma's numbered
metaphorical fallings, use "autumn" or "harvest" when
referring to someone having a number of the season that comes after summer and
before winter.]
c)
CORRI
No,
it's more fun this way! Also, awfully bold of you to assume I *don’t* get
pushed down the stairs every year on my birthday.
d)
EPIPHANY
[Is there a waiting list?]
e)
CORRI
Why would
I tell you if there was?
284.
AKUMA
—if you didn’t complete the bond, I was going to
ask your mother for help in breaking your half.
285.
EVRYN
That’s a laugh. His mum’s the WEED GODDESS OF CELESTIA. She’d be too busy smoking and getting the
munchies to give you any real help.
286.
EPIPHANY
[Evidently,
Akuma was smoking Neferbelii's weed when she decided to ask her for help.]
287.
EVRYN
From what I hear, Nef always offers
visitors weed upon their arrival.
288.
ILLYBRIUS
I should have remembered. I’m so sorry!
289.
AKUMA
I have forgiven you, just like I have
forgiven everything else that you have done.
290.
EVRYN
No, if you’d really forgiven him, you wouldn’t have brought it up.
291.
EPIPHANY
[Her passive-aggressiveness is so annoying.]
[She
should be a woman about it and at least insult him to his face if she's that pissed
off.]
292.
EVRYN
Seriously. Like for instance, Akuma,
you are a scum-sucking twat-blister who uses passive-aggressiveness and
manipulation to get your way because you're somehow allergic to honest
communication, and that behaviour is a good way to get Illybrius to leave you.
293.
EPIPHANY thumbs-up
294.
ILLYBRIUS
In a way, I’m almost glad I haven’t known you long.
295.
EVRYN
You’d be gladder if you didn’t know her at all. Biblically.
296.
ILLYBRIUS
There’s so much less to forgive.
297.
EVRYN
Pwned!
298.
ILLYBRIUS
However, I cannot imagine my life
longer without you.
299.
EVRYN
Dude, you’ve been alive for over six thousand
years. Don’t you think it’s time to stop cluttering up this
world with your emo uselessness?
300.
EPIPHANY
[What percentage of his lifetime has he been with her for?]
[Because
I'm pretty sure it's small enough that this barely counts as a fling.]
301.
EVRYN
Well, he's known her since June or
July of this year... Not Biblically, just in general.
302.
EPIPHANY
pulls out a calculator, pushes buttons for a bit
303.
EPIPHANY
raises eyebrows
[Their
entire span of having known each other is roughly equivalent to that time I
bothered to go to the trouble of finding a guy who was both a pedophile AND a
necrophiliac, spent a week getting to know him, and then had sex once before
deciding that it was boring and my time would be better spent reading.]
304.
EVRYN
And yet, you're the most normal one
on this show and in its fanbase... so far, at least.
305.
EPIPHANY
[
I'm really not sure how we managed that.]
306.
SIGYN
... What the fuck, Epiphany?
307.
EPIPHANY
[You
didn't know about the time I got acquitted of murder?]
308.
SIGYN
You KILLED him?! What is wr... you
know what, maybe that's not the best question for ME to ask.
309.
EPIPHANY
[
I'm glad you have at least THAT much self-awareness.]
310.
SIGYN
I'm actually very self-aware. I have
Obsessive Love Disorder, Autism Spectrum Disorder, Borderline Personality
Disorder, and... you didn’t actually ask. Sorry. I talk too much. That's a
flaw.
311.
AKUMA
Lee, my power is spiraling out of
control.
312.
EPIPHANY
[Translation:
BAWWWWWWW I can't control anything I want you to SAAAAAAVE MEEEEEEE
BAWWWWWWWWWWW]
313.
AKUMA
I need help—
314.
CUE MUSIC:
Help! by the Beatles
(“sung” by
Serleina)
315.
TOKIOMI
How is THAT helpful?
316.
SERLEINA
It makes ME feel better!
317.
EPIPHANY
[
I like the Beatles.]
318.
SIGYN
I don't, which is why I don't mind
Serleina absolutely murdering their songs.
319.
AKUMA
—but…. That was why I asked Mistress
Pumpkin for help. I need someone with enough power to keep me from overloading.
320.
EPIPHANY
[Quick!
Remove the control rods from the central core!]
321.
AKUMA
Oooh, kinky.
322.
EPIPHANY
[You
really have no idea how nuclear reactors work, do you?]
323.
AKUMA
What's a nukular reactor?
324.
EPIPHANY facepalms
325.
AKUMA
whines
What?
326.
EPIPHANY
[You
are too stupid to live. Please stop.]
327.
AKUMA
*starts crying* You're so mean!
328.
A satisfied grin spreads across EPIPHANY's face
329.
EPIPHANY
[
It's these moments (and the money) that make this job all worth it]
330.
OVD
By the way, half your pay for this episode is going to
Fluou, since you couldn't be assed to hold your own signs and chose to sit
there reading instead.
331.
EPIPHANY
[. . . ]
[Worth
it.]
332.
ILLYBRIUS
The good news is—
333.
EVRYN
That you just saved a bunch of money
on your car insurance by switching from Geico?
334.
EPIPHANY
[You're
pregnant, and Pumpkin is the father?]
335.
EVRYN
You realise that Désmoda's going to
kill all of you for using her birth name, right?
336.
ILLYBRIUS
—that Pumpkin is far more powerful
than me, even when I was at full power. The bad news is—
337.
EVRYN
That you’re pregnant, and Sarah Palin’s the father?
338.
EPIPHANY
winces
[Ouch.]
339.
DÉSMODA
My e-peen is bigger than Sarah
Palin's!
340.
SIGYN
Yes, but is it bigger than Donald
Trump's?
341.
DÉSMODA
Everyone's peen is bigger than Donald
Trump's, e-peen or otherwise.
342.
SIGYN
Please tell me you don’t know that
firsthand.
343.
DÉSMODA,
deadpan
I don’t know that firsthand.
344.
ILLYBRIUS
—that she isn’t the most compassionate of
priestesses.
345.
EVRYN
I know, right? I love that about her!
346.
ILLYBRIUS
Thus, very little inclined to be of
much use.
347.
FLUOU
[Translation:
Since she doesn’t actually want to help the Corri Sues, she’s not getting a lot
of screen time on this show.]
348.
EPIPHANY
[She
is so lucky.]
349.
OVD
Note to self: Give Désmoda her own plotline.
350.
DÉSMODA
Suck Akuma's furry robot dick,
director.
351.
SERLEINA
HEY,
GIVE THAT BACK!
352.
AKUMA,
with one hand behind her back
NO!
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