Episode 51. Drossel's Family Hates Conny, part 3 | November 4, 2008 at 5:01 p.m.

TITLE

Drossel's Family Hates Conny

 

November 4, 2008 | 5:01 PM

 

Tokiomi’s apartment

 

3 DROSSEL

I have a job lined up January 19th. I get $4,300 a month after taxes.

 

4 OVD

No-one gets that round of a number after taxes!

 

5 MARIE

I mean, maybe he rounded?

 

6 OVD

Maybe, but he's probably bullshitting!

 

7 MARIE

Well, yeah, of course he's bullshitting.

 

8 OVD

I don't appreciate bullshitting about MONEY, MY ONE TRUE LOVE.

 

9 EVRYN

Well, that explains why you've never mentioned a spouse or partner.

 

10 OVD

Not really.

 

11. DREPANON

I'm with OVD on this one.

 

12 OVD

Stop agreeing with me, you cuck.

 

13 DROSSEL

I can pay after I get my first check. She’s in collage.

 

14 EVRYN

What kind of a collage? The kind where you cut things out of a magazine or is it more abstract?

 

15 MARIE

The kind where you cut money out of a person.

 

16 OVD

NOOOOO!!! MY MONEY!!!

 

17 EVRYN

Not YOU, for fuck's sake.

 

18 SIGYN

Try to get seasonal work. Bijan Bakery downtown is looking for people. Look, I know this is unsolicited advice, but two months is too long to wait to start working if you’re having a child.

 

19 EPIPHANY

[Good thing they're not really having a child!]

 

20 DROSSEL

I’ve tried and I can’t stay up here two months. The cash we need can hold us till my job.

 

21 EVRYN

That sounds stupid. Why are you rejecting solutions? You’re not a Corri Sue.

 

22 EPIPHANY

[I think it's time I re-used some signs from Lucky.]

["How about we [REASONABLE SOLUTION TO THE PROBLEM]?"]

["No, that won't work."]

 

23 DROSSEL

And for about two months were goons have to be with Emmit cause he’s having surgery.

 

24 EVRYN

Translation, Fluou?

 

25 OVD

He’s taking a sick day. He’s, quote, “sick of all these grammatically challenged assholes.” Meanwhile, I'm tired of these MOTHERFUCKING TYPOS IN THIS MOTHERFUCKING SCRIPT!

 

26 DROSSEL

We have to be with him till he’s Heald.

 

27 EVRYN

A student at Heald College? I’m sure they take anyone.

 

28 SIGYN

Look, I can’t do much. I certainly can’t get a loan due to legal complications—

 

29 EVRYN

Also, you’re a minor. Which your writer seems to keep forgetting.

 

30 MARIE

I think that *is* the legal complication.

 

31 OVD

Canon accepted!

 

32 SIGYN

—and I can’t get you 25 grand. I need to save up for a place for Meta and me, and that includes a phone that actually works, grocery money, and a deposit. But out of what’s left, deduct half for savings, we can see if what I can get you will help.

 

33 DROSSEL

Thank you. Deposit for where we will live is $2,500 deposit, $1,400 rent.

 

34 SIGYN

HOLY SHIT. That’s a lot of money. I live in low-income housing, and my uncle pays about $200 a month.

 

35 EVRYN

Of course he does. He runs an auto body shop in San Jose. Do you know how many fucking auto body shops there are in San Jose? He should go into a different line of work. Maybe he could get a job as the voice actor on a shitty YouTube show.

 

36 OVD

Evryn, I literally pay you in thoughts and prayers.

 

37 EVRYN

My day job is as a stripper. I don't need the cash.

 

38 MARIE

Aren't you fifteen?

 

39 EVRYN

Yeah, but my other employer doesn't know that. I've been passing as 21 for years. Evil Overladies are really fucking good forgers, just so you know.

 

40 MARIE

You're lucky I'm not your mom, or you would be GROUNDED.

 

41 CIN

You know, when I was a teenager—

 

42 EVRYN

You're still a teenager, remember?

 

43 CIN

Right. Anyway, my Earth dad has a problem with Ash—

 

44 MARIE

Valid.

 

45 CIN

a)  and not only forbade me from talking to him, but checked my cell phone records and called any number he didn't recognize to make sure I wasn't disobeying.

b)  So, you know, I took my allowance down to the bank and got it changed into quarters so I could call Ash on a pay phone instead, because my dad worked late and never got home in time to stop me.

c)   My point is, it doesn't matter how strict a parent you are, if your kid wants to do something, they're probably going to find a way to do it.

 

46 MARIE

Ash is a convicted pedophile.

 

47 EVRYN

To be entirely fair, that's because the law doesn't distinguish between pedophile and ephebophile. Also, at this point— meaning, in November of 2008— Cinnamon does not know that he was actually guilty because he pitted her and her closest friend against each other so they couldn't contrast the bullshit stories he told each of them. Anyway, I'm not particularly arguing against you, but I will say that I get paid a LOT of good money to be looked at and not touched. And Drossel can't have any of it, especially not the money.

 

48 OVD

I've never been more proud.

 

49 SIGYN

You guys have issues. And Cin, your taste in men is—

 

50 (BRRRRIIIIIIIINNNNNNNNNNGGGG)

 

51 SIGYN

I wonder who that could be?

 

52 TOKIOMI, Phone Pose

Yes, hello, Mr. Pot. I'll pass it on.

 

53 TOKIOMI

He says you're one to talk. I agree.

 

54 (BRRRING!)

 

55 TOKIOMI, Phone Pose

Oh. I don't see what you mean.

 

56 DROSSEL

That’s the cheapest we can get. It’s so high because Conny has a thepy dog.

 

57 EVRYN

What the hell is a “thepy” dog?

 

58 SERLEINA

MAYBE IT’S A PET ROCK!

 

59 SIGYN

Wow. Hey, where’s this place located? I’m looking for an apartment, too.

 

60a DROSSEL

Fresno. It’s in a nice area.

 

60b SERLEINA bursts out laughing

 

61 REIYA

I can't believe people actually call it "Fresno".

 

62 SERLEINA

What now?

 

63 REIYA

San Francisco?

 

64 SERLEINA

No, they call that Frisco. Fresno is a city in Southern California.

 

65. REIYA

Oh, yeah...

 

66 AHRRY

We lived in Fresno before it was known as Frisco!

 

67 OVD

Awkward foreshadowing, Ahrry!

 

68 AHRRY

YOU'RE AWKWARD FORESHADOWING! AND FAKE NEWS!

 

69 OVD

SPOILERS!

 

70 REIYA

Isn't that meme an anachronism?

 

71 AHRRY

YOU'RE AN ANACHRONISM!

 

72 REIYA

Well you're NOT WRONG! So THERE!

 

73 DROSSEL

It’s close to my work and it doesn’t get shot up.

 

74 EVRYN

Yeah, that’s generally what I look for in a flat, not getting shot up.

 

75 SIGYN

Uhh. Yeah, I think I’ll stay here for a while.

 

76 DROSSEL

Yeah.

 

77. SIGYN

Do you have a bank account? Or do you live near a Western Union?

 

78. DROSSEL

I’m still at Job Corps.

 

79 EVRYN

And that has what to do with opening a bank account?

 

80 DROSSEL

I don’t have an account.

 

81 SIGYN

I had a credit union account when I started at Job Corps. Closed it partway through to buy Meta a pizza for his birthday.

 

82 DROSSEL

Oh.

 

83 EVRYN

That was stupid.

 

84 SIGYN

I recommend credit unions rather than banks. Some don’t have very strict requirements and they don’t make you pay a monthly or yearly fee.

 

85 DREPANON

I recommend you stop trying to help someone who doesn't want to be helped. And you should stop trying to help Drossel, too.

 

86 SIGYN

I suggest you take your unsolicited advice and shove it right up your pretty blond—

 

*Roll credits*