1.
TITLE
Corri Bangs Her
Brother, part 3
2.
SETTING
A dark cave
somewhere?
3.
11/09/08
| 7:00 PM
4.
AKUMA
Please... save him. Forget me.
5.
DÉSMODA
No.
6.
EPIPHANY
[ I wish I could forget her.]
7.
DÉSMODA
I'm going to read the script and see
what happened to him.
8.
AKUMA
Hurry.
9.
DÉSMODA
scans script
10.
DÉSMODA
Oh... shit.
11.
AKUMA
Hurry
12.
EVRYN
She's reading as fast as she can, you
bint.
13.
DÉSMODA
It could definitely be worse.
14.
EPIPHANY
[ It could always be worse.]
15.
EVRYN
Worse than being on this show?
16.
EPIPHANY
[We could get launched into the sun.]
17.
EVRYN
That would be a mercy kill.
18.
EPIPHANY
[Maybe for you.]
19.
EVRYN
Okay, but how could being launched
into the sun be any more painful than watching this, day after day?
20.
EPIPHANY
[This show isn't going to last for more than five billion more
years before it explodes.]
21.
OVD
You don't know
that.
22.
DÉSMODA
I'm going to tell you what happened,
then I'm going to revive him.
23.
REIYA
So, not urgent, then?
24.
DÉSMODA
Remember that discussion we had about
me notcaring? I get paid to help the Corri Sues. I don't get paid enough to
care.
25.
AKUMA
'k
26.
EVRYN
throws a banana at Akuma
27.
DÉSMODA
Somebody must have snuck up on him
while he was resting and rubbed that stuff on him. If the jar is completely
empty, I suspect it was put on his entire body. It is a powerful aphrodisiac—
of the type that is particularly dangerous to men. It makes them so horny
that they... whether they're able to satisfy their lust or not, they end up
spilling all their sang.
28.
EVRYN
Drakoste language has
"sang" to refer to both semen and blood as sister essences.
29.
EPIPHANY
[Ah. I was about to ask.]
30.
AKUMA
Safe?
31.
DÉSMODA
It exhausts them and usually they
die. I know because I used to use it on my pets.
32.
EPIPHANY zaps Désmoda
33.
EPIPHANY
[That is really fucked up, by the way.]
34.
DÉSMODA
Blonde hair, don't care.
35.
AKUMA
Will he be okay?
36.
DÉSMODA
What part of "blonde hair, don't
care" did you not understand?
37.
OVD
Désmoda, do you
remember that "storage facility" we were going to overlook in
exchange for your participation?
38.
DÉSMODA
Fine. "If I can get that shit
washed off him without him having another orgasm, yes. If not, no."
39.
AKUMA
He can't die.
40.
EPIPHANY
[She's obviously delirious. Usagi isn't me.]
41.
DÉSMODA
He can and he might, but I'm going to
anesthise him so he won't feel anything. That will make him less likely to die.
42.
EPIPHANY
[Désmoda's an anesthesiologist?]
[Cool.]
43.
EVRYN
No, but she's one hell of an S&M
expert and an Illybriic priestess.
44.
EPIPHANY
[ I'd say "close enough for government work", but then
the anesthesiologists and government employees I know would be upset at me.]
45.
DÉSMODA perks up
a)
What kind of
governmental work?
b)
Does it pay better
than this?
46.
EPIPHANY
[A lot of different kinds.]
47.
DÉSMODA
Give me a list after we're done
filming and I'll see what I can help you with.
48.
EPIPHANY smiles
brightly
[Okay!]
49.
DÉSMODA
By the way, I have the ability
to perform anesthesiology. I simply never bothered with jumping through hoops
for the license to do so.
50.
AKUMA
It would kill Irubura to lose us
both.
51.
EPIPHANY's
expression sours
[That's nice.]
52.
EVRYN
What if he just misplaced you both?
53.
DÉSMODA
Well, that would probably just put
him in a coma. Or in an Akoma.
54.
CINNAMON
He's not... not going to lose...
either of you if I can... help it. How are you bound there? Is it just
lapis, or are you chained?
55.
AKUMA
I'll be fine. Just can't move.
56.
EPIPHANY
[Then why were you implying in your previous line that you're
going to die?]
57.
EVRYN
Because DRAMA!
58.
CINNAMON
How's Corri doing in your absence?
59.
AKUMA
Caleb... keeping her safe. Some
kind of spell. I'm turning to stone and lapis is draining me.
60.
REIYA
Either you're in mortal peril or
you're not in mortal peril. Make up your mind.
61.
EVRYN
Or just flip a coin.
62.
EPIPHANY
[ I'm surprised that you looking into the basilisk's eyes didn't
turn IT to stone instead of the other way around.]
63.
CINNAMON
I'll send Esmé in Illybrius's name.
She is likely to know how to help. Pumpkin's taking care of Usagi... but
nobody can find...
64.
AKUMA
Cin
65.
CINNAMON
Nobody can find Illybrius. I have a
headache.
66.
DÉSMODA
Don't worry, you'll get used to it.
67.
AKUMA
I'm trapped somewhere, no way out,
sealed in.
68.
EPIPHANY
[ It's called a set. We're recording.]
[The walls are closing in.]
69.
CINNAMON
Head hurts. Pulsing. Can't hardly
see...
70.
AKUMA
Lee?
71.
CINNAMON
No, still me. Still…
72.
CINNAMON
faints
73.
RULEAN sits
up, rubbing head
74.
RULEAN
I'll say this for her: She puts up a
good fight.
75.
AKUMA
Why?
76.
RULEAN
She's in the way.
77.
EPIPHANY
[She hit you hard enough that you were unconscious for a few
minutes.]
[ I think that's more than "being in the way".]
78.
REIYA
No, Désmoda hit him, not Cinnamon.
79.
AKUMA
Leave them alone. My offer still
stands. Please.
80.
EPIPHANY
[She'd REALLY enjoy it.]
81.
RULEAN
No
82.
AKUMA
Do whatever you want to me, just
leave them alone. Anything you want.
83.
REIYA whispers
As long as it's sex.
84.
EPIPHANY
[Stop that right now.]
85.
RULEAN
I'll free you, but don't get in the
way.
86.
AKUMA
No. I'll fight you. Leave them
alone. I'll be your slave for the night, please.
87.
REIYA
I don't think she understands what
the word "fight" means.
88.
EPIPHANY
[Well, she also thinks she's a warrior so]
[ I GUESS WE ALL KNOW WHAT DREPANON'S IDEA OF MILITARY TRAINING
IS!]
89.
SIGYN
I VOLUNTEER AS—
90.
OVD
SIT THE FUCK DOWN.
91.
RULEAN nopes the fuck out of there
92.
EVRYN
Clearly, Rulean has STANDARDS. Unlike
you.
93.
SIGYN
I have STANDARDS.
94.
EVRYN
I meant Akuma.
95.
EPIPHANY
[We're not opening the can of worms that's discussing your
standards. Not today.]
96.
DÉSMODA
Come on, let's be fair. Maybe Akuma's
throwing herself at Rulean because Drepanon told her that's all she was good
for during her, ah, "training".
97.
TOKIOMI
MAYBE talk like that is why she's
like that.
98.
EPIPHANY
[You're putting way too much thought into this and looking for
depth that isn't there.]
99.
MARIE
Even if that's so, isn't creating
depth where there once was none a worthy endeavor?
100.
ILLYBRIUS,
offscreen
Usually, but Akuma is irritating.
101.
EVRYN
So are you.
102.
ILLYBRIUS,
offscreen
Yeah, but I'm irritating in a guy
way. She's irritating in a whiny, high-pitched, girl way.
103.
EVRYN
OVD, can we kill him yet?
104.
OVD
That would be a
reprieve for him. Just kneecap him after this episode.
105.
DREPANON
Désmoda is correct, though. How else
would you expect me to demoralize an angel?
106.
EVRYN
Honestly, I'd think having to hang
around her Onion-infested brother would do that quite well.
107.
DREPANON
Exactly.
108.
EVRYN
What're you on about?
109.
DREPANON, slowly
and "patiently"
What kind of demon is Orion?
110.
DÉSMODA
You brilliant bastard.
111.
REIYA
I'm lost.
112.
EVRYN
Good. Stay there.
113.
SERLEINA
Okay, class, let's turn to page 1 so that our little Reiya can
keep up. Drake Enzeru was an angel, right, and angels exist to serve their
gods. Drake committed suicide for whatever stupid reason—
114.
LENA
ABLEIST!
115.
SERLEINA
HE'S A CORRI CHARACTER, LENA, OF COURSE IT WAS A STUPID REASON.
116.
EVRYN
Honestly, I'd think it's reason
enough. But go on.
117.
SERLEINA-SENSEI,
with glasses and a yardstick.
The Twin Goddesses clearly take this sort of thing personally,
and probably wrote into the law of the land that any angel who affronts them by
throwing away the life the Goddesses so generously gave them must now become
possessed by their enemy species for eternity.
118.
MARIE
Not that you'd know it from Corri's
writing, but there is more than one kind of demon.
119.
SERLEINA
Corri's writing ability or lack thereof aside, we're going full
Watsonian here. So after breaking down Akuma's will and possibly literally
beating into her that all she's good for is to pleasure her demon captor and
his friends and/or subordinates and/or clients—
120.
DREPANON
Affirmative.
121.
DÉSMODA, approvingly
Wicked.
122.
SERLEINA
—what better sort of demon to infest her brother with than a
rapedemon?
123.
ORION
It's pronounced "Pyric".
124.
EPIPHANY
[No, Serleina pronounced it correctly.]
[So shut up. You can't read.]
125.
REIYA
But why would the goddesses have one
of their angels infested with a rapedemon?
126.
EVRYN
Because shut the fuck up.
127.
DREPANON
They don't. The ruler of the demons decides which demon
possesses the fallen angels.
128.
REIYA
But why would the goddesses make a
deal with the—you?
129.
OVD
Spoilers.
130.
DREPANON, again
with exaggerated patience
The Goddesses just leave the door
open. Do you expect me to not walk in?
131.
AKUMA
Kumpa?
132.
DÉSMODA AND
DREPANON
KAMPAI!
133.
DÉSMODA
That's quite a good strategy,
actually, especially if she really was as feisty as Corri tries to present her.
134.
DREPANON
Yes, well, you won't see her trying
to make too many of her own wretched decisions nowadays, will you?
135.
EVRYN
... OVD?
136.
OVD
Yes, you can
kneecap him after the episode, too.
137.
EVRYN
No, not that, although thank you! Now
that we know he's responsible for her lack of agency, do we still get to mock
her for it?
138.
OVD
Yes, because that
explanation was pulled entirely out of Falcon's ass and is not, in fact,
CorriCanon. Akuma's actual behavior is CorriCanon.
139.
MARIE
She's supposed to be a Victorian
romance heroine.
140.
AHRRY
DIIIIIIID SOMEBODY SAY
"HEROIN"?
141.
MARIE,
halfheartedly
Begone, ass.
142.
AHRRY, like a sheep
NAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
143.
AKUMA
Please. Lee. Cin.
Pumpkin. Usagi. Enon. Impare
144.
SERLEINA
EMO ROLL CALL! ABSENT! PRESENT! ABSENT! PROBABLY DEAD! ABSENT!
DON'T GIVE A FUCK!
145.
CINNAMON
I'm still here.
146.
SERLEINA
Yes, I marked you as Present.
147.
AKUMA
Why... pleeaase... I can't. I'm so
sorry.
148.
EPIPHANY, gleefully
[Stop whining.]
[You're obnoxious.]
149.
CINNAMON
I know, right? I mean... I know.
150.
AKUMA
Remember your promise
151.
EVRYN, imitating
Mufasa
“Remember... who you are”
152.
REIYA
Femnas?
153.
EVRYN
Mufasa, you cultureless swine.
154.
CINNAMON
Can't... OWWW!
155.
EVRYN
Have you been in my sleeping pills?
Or perhaps the cooler water?
156.
AKUMA
No.
157.
EVRYN
Wow, that gust of wind sounded oddly
like someone I wasn't talking to offering their half-a-cent's worth.
158.
AKUMA
Please, anyone.
159.
EVRYN
And THAT gust of wind sounded oddly
like that obnoxious whining about which Epiphany was complaining!
160.
enter
ILLYBRIUS
161.
SERLEINA
YOU'RE LATE! MARKED TARDY ON THE EMO ROLL CALL!
162.
ILLYBRIUS
claps erasers together, deadpan.
163.
ILLYBRIUS
You fucking knew I was here. I was
commentating from the snack table.
164.
SERLEINA
Does the snack table look like the classroom?
165.
ILLYBRIUS,
DREPANON, AND SEI-SEI
YES.
166.
ILLYBRIUS
Miss Akuma
167.
AKUMA
Save them. My family. Save them.
Pleeeeeeeeasssse
168.
EPIPHANY
[No. Shut up.]
169.
ILLYBRIUS
Rubéhaus called. He is... so angry.
He... he said we are all... corrupt... hung up on me just as I could get
through. I don't have long.
170.
AKUMA
Lee, I love you.
171.
EVRYN
takes a shot
172.
AKUMA
I'm sorry.
173.
SERLEINA
APOLOGY NOT ACCEPTED! DROP DOWN AND GIVE ME TWENTY!
174.
AKUMA, in push-up
position
Muhhhhhhh. I can't do this, I'm
half-frozen with the lapis!
175.
SERLEINA
EXCUSES ARE LIKE ASSHOLES, ENZERU! EVERYBODY HAS ONE AND NO-ONE
WANTS TO HEAR IT!
176.
ILLYBRIUS
I love you too.
177.
EVRYN
takes a shot
178.
SERLEINA
Case in point.
179.
ILLYBRIUS
Let him free you. You can help better
when you're free and purged of the lapis.
180.
REIYA
Purge the weeaboo. Purge the unclean.
Snuff out the unnecessary. Snuff out the unwanted!
181.
ILLYBRIUS
'sagi... Where is my Usagi?
182.
AKUMA
Help him. He's dying. Please.
183.
REIYA
I thought Désmoda fixed that.
184.
DÉSMODA, offstage
SORRY, CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SNACK
TABLE!
185.
SEI-SEI
SOMEONE REFILLED THE SNACKS?!
186.
EPIPHANY
[Drepanon can hear us from the snack table.]
187.
DÉSMODA
OMNOMNOM DELICIOUS BABY JERKY.
188.
DREPANON
189.
Hey, you said I
could have first dibs!
190.
DÉSMODA
Yes, well... are you familiar with
the idiom, "You snooze, you lose"? OM!
191.
ILLYBRIUS
No...
192.
DÉSMODA
Oh, I guess it runs in the family.
193.
EVRYN
Désmoda, aren't you his cousin?
194.
AKUMA
Some sex drug
195.
ILLYBRIUS
No...
196.
AKUMA
Hurry
197.
ILLYBRIUS
Where... where is... Ori...
198.
ORION
Waiting for Désmoda and Drepanon to
be done bogarting the baby jerky, duh!
199.
AKUMA
I don't know, probably with Cor.
Save him.
200.
EPIPHANY
[He's at the snack table, he'll be fine.]
201.
ILLYBRIUS
Where is Ma...heo...
202.
AKUMA
Forgive my death, Lee. I still
love you.
203.
EPIPHANY
[YOU SAID EARLIER YOU WOULD BE FINE.]
[MAKE UP YOUR MIND.]
204.
SERLEINA
She's clearly just trying to get out of PT.
205.
ILLYBRIUS
You will not die.
206.
SERLEINA
Thank you for having my back, Illybrius.
207.
AKUMA
But my arms are killing me!
208.
SERLEINA
No they're not!
209.
DREPANON
It's not worth arguing with her.
Remember Orion's special whistle.
210.
SERLEINA
Dude, I'm not summoning Onion to sic 'er for something this
minor. What's wrong with you?
211.
MARIE
Heeee's a demon. It's kind of how
they do.
212.
SERLEINA
Yeah, but I still feel like he's overreacting. Go away,
Drepanon, I can't deal with you when you're being all irrational like this.
213.
DREPANON,
anger marks
214.
ILLYBRIUS
Where is Maheone? Do you know?
215.
AKUMA
With that Turtledove guy. I'm so
sorry.
216.
EPIPHANY
[Stop apologising for everything. Just stop talking.]
217.
AKUMA
*whimpers*
218.
DREPANON
puts his fingers to his mouth and—
219.
ILLYBRIUS
No... no... no...
220.
DREPANON
lowers his hand, sulking.
221.
AKUMA
Leeeeeeeeeee... Is anyone there? Silv
va we? Kumpa noire? Please, if you find this, do not give in.
Believe in yourselves. Please. "Death is never the end of an adventure;
it's only the beginning of another."
222.
REIYA
Did you just fucking quote
Dumbledore?
223.
EPIPHANY
[Did you practice that in front of the mirror?]
224.
EVRYN
I was wondering why all the mirrors
on this set were broken...
225.
enter
BLAKE
226.
(Blake
is in a cheerleader uniform.)
227.
CINNAMON
Don't die!
228.
BLAKE's
eyes grow wide
229.
CINNAMON
Don't... I can't lose another part of
my newfound family! Bastion's breaking up with Lee... won't talk to him.
230.
EPIPHANY
[Woah. Sympathetic character motivations.]
231.
EVRYN
I'll be shocked when they're from
Team Corri.
232.
BLAKE
And... you are?
233.
CINNAMON
Cinnamon.
234.
BLAKE
Pleasure to make your acquaintance,
my lady.
235.
EPIPHANY,
fire thoughts and Santa Claus scowl
236.
CINNAMON
Who are you?
237.
BLAKE
A friend.
238.
EPIPHANY
[ It's polite to give your name. She gave hers.]
239.
BLAKE
I stopped the petrifying of her body,
240.
EPIPHANY
[Hello, "I stopped the petrifying of her body,". You
have a terrible name. Your mother must have really not liked you.]
241.
EVRYN
In the grand DoF tradition, I shall
rename him. With apologies to the lovely Das Mervin, I shall call him... Dances
With Nonplot!
242.
BLAKE DANCES WITH
NONPLOT
—but I'm not sure how much good it
will do with the lapis still lodged in her body.
243.
ILLYBRIUS
Then please extract the lazurite.
244.
DANCES WITH NONPLOT
Whatever that guy did, he wanted to
make sure that no one could undo it.
245.
EPIPHANY pulls out
scalpel
[Calling bullshit. Let me at her.]
246.
OVD
Epiphany, you may
not perform surgery on your fellow castmates.
247.
DANCES WITH NONPLOT
Tell me, is the young blond-haired
boy okay?
248.
EVRYN
Which one?
249.
CINNAMON
Ask Pumpkin. I'll get her if I can.
250.
CINNAMON
goes behind a prop and starts texting
251.
DANCES WITH NONPLOT
Excuse me? It was rather rude to
leave like that.
252.
ILLYBRIUS
Hmm? I'm still here. Did you
mean her? Who... I'm confused.
253.
DANCES WITH NONPLOT
I wanted to know if the young man
with blond hair was doing better. For friends, you seem to be a very rude
bunch.
254.
EPIPHANY
[Says the guy who won't give his name.]
255.
REIYA
And we asked you WHICH "young
man with long blond hair". There's, like, a hundred on this show.
256.
SERLEINA
IT'S RAINING MEN! HALLELUJAH IT'S RAINING MEN
257.
EVRYN
Dude, one of them's your uncle, inne?
258.
SERLEINA
If you call 38 "young".
259.
EVRYN, blushing
I mean...
260.
CINNAMON
I'm sorry. I meant to get Pumpkin,
since she is on standby where Usagi is, and she can give a better report than I
can.
261.
DANCES WITH NONPLOT
Well, can you please? I would
like to have some good news on this end.
262.
CINNAMON
I will, but will you please tell me
your name?
263.
enter
DÉSMODA
264.
DANCES WITH NONPLOT
Please, update first, then I promise
my name. And I need his too, just in case I have to recall his soul.
265.
EPIPHANY
[Um, no.]
[Who the fuck are you and why should they disclose "the
young blond boy's" medical status?]
266.
DÉSMODA
a)
His name is Usagi
den Huisdier, but originally it was Hati. I don't know his former last name.
b)
… Anything to make
this shitshow stop.
267.
DANCES WITH NONPLOT
Well, as long as I have a name, I can
find the soul.
268.
EPIPHANY
[ Is that why you're afraid to give yours?]
269.
DANCES WITH NONPLOT
And his condition, young lady?
270.
DÉSMODA
He is recovering.
271.
DANCES WITH NONPLOT
Good to know. See, I told you things
would get better, Akumano. Now just rest. Let the first spell finish.
272.
CINNAMON
Thank you for helping her.
273.
DANCES WITH NONPLOT
I owed her.
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